(no subject)
Hiya Jeff...
Oh man, my head is stuck in a very yucky place today for some reason...
I just can’t get the memories of right before you died, when I found you and all that happened after... its playing in my head over and over.... no matter what I seem to do, it’s just there!
So I thought I’d write a little bit in the journal to see if I can “get it out”... so far, it’s not working!
Did you feel any pain, or was it like the “amazing high” it’s supposed to be? Did you plan this? Did you actually play this stupid breath play game, or were you having a bad moment, and decided to try suicide? I know everything points to no, but it’s a nagging thing I have in the back of my mind...not always, but sometimes... and I replay the morning’s events to see if I can remember anything that was so bad that you’d do that... and nothing comes to mind that’s overly BAD....
Did you hear me screaming at the top of my lungs? Did you “see” me and Stephen pulling you out of that little closet?? Did you see Stephen performing CPR? Were you already GONE?? Did you “see” me hysterical going back and forth to the front door to your room while on the 911 call?... when I look back, I knew when I found you hanging there that you were already gone... I just FELT it, you know???
Oh God, that trip to the ER and seeing you lying there dead on the bed... your neck all red... your tongue sticking out just a bit... your eyes all bloodshot.... Calling Auntie Steph...your Dad... saying a prayer with the police chaplain over your dead body... Stephen standing behind me holding me and you..... WTF?
Why Jeff? Will I ever know? No.. probably not... and if I do get to find out when I’m in heaven, will it even matter then?....
Almost 7 months ago and it feels like 7 minutes ago...
Ok... I HAVE to get out of this prison of a house (it feels like that today)... I’m going into town... where, of course, I’ll have panic attacks upon panic attacks, but I’m thinking it’s the lesser of two evils at the moment....
and.. you know, I’m not stupid enough to think that I won’t think these things, and feel these things when I’m in MA.... no matter where I am, you’ll be in my heart and memories, thoughts... and oh yeah, you’ll still be DEAD.... ugh..
Love you so much Jeffie,
Mom xoxoxox