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Hey Kiddo,
Well, today was beyond gorgeous out... upper 60s, not a cloud in the sky... I brought Abby to the vet this a.m. and she was a good girl, mostly. But, she weighs 62 lbs!! She’s a little chubba!.. so, she’s going on a diet... The only reason she gained weight is because, as you remember, she’d enjoy 2 dinners... hers and Sammy’s!....too funny...
I’m not sure she even knows that you are gone, mostly because she’s not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, u know?... But I know Sammy absolutely knows... Sometimes he walks down the hall and just looks in the direction of your room, or when I cry, he comes up to me and just stays with me... Abby used to cry with me, but since I cry so freakin’ MUCH, she’s just used to it now....
Auntie Leslie turned 33 today... yet another day that goes by that you can’t celebrate it with us.... But, It does make me a little happy knowing that I can guarantee your were mentioned more than once as they had their cake... I got lucky with that because I’ve heard from so many moms and dads how their families just don’t want to mention their Angel and say things to them things like “we need to move on” or “it’s time to stop grieving and get on with your life”... But, Stephen and I just don’t get that at all from our family and friends ...Friends like Holly, Geraldine, Steve & Donna Clapp, Michele......these people are just so special to me....they don’t even realize how much it means to me to be able to just be myself and talk about whatever, bring up your name and they don’t get all embarrassed or uncomfortable... just very special people...
Our family isn’t afraid to talk about you and how much it SUCKS that you’re gone.. they don’t put any pressure on us to “buck up”... well, YOU know who wants us to “buck up”, but I’m not getting into that right now... cuz then I’ll get all worked up and pissed off and I don’t want to right now...
I WOULD NOT have gotten this far if it weren’t for Our Stephen... His concern, his listening, his understanding, his love...his strength.....Well, you know how we are together... he’s just the most amazing person and the love I feel for him sometimes overwhelms me.... and I’m so glad that you got to see that and feel that, you know?... I worry about him all of the time, and I HATE that he’s still in pain and I HATE that I have to leave... but because of who he is, and how much he loves me and understands me, and also knowing that YOU are here with him... it helps a little...
Auntie Steph is another person who’s gotten me this far. She doesn’t really know it, but she’s saved my life 3x since you died.... I’d get it in my mind that I was just DONE and that I was going to write some letters to those I loved saying I was so sorry, and then get the dryer hose that I bought and clamp it onto my tailpipe and just end it... I was so close a few times..... But, I’d think about Stephen and my family and the kids and then I’d call her and we’d just chat about whatever and she’d let me just cry and cry on the phone and she’d listen and she’d share what she was feeling and then talk about the kids and what their up to, and it would get me past the feeling of complete desperation...... and then I’d put the dryer hose away... and carry on....
Auntie Leslie is also another person who’s gotten me through the past 6 months... She would just call me every day and she would just vent and I’d vent and then we’d crack up about something.... she doesn’t even realize how much her phone calls mean to me.. I know that she’s so busy with the new restaurant, but she’d take the time and either email me or call me and just say she loves me and misses me......and of course, her Lem is just a sweetie, and I’m so happy to call him my Brother... I love him... and I love the fact that although grief is experienced very differently in Brasil, that he still just lets me talk and always gives me just the greatest hugs ever...
Jim, my brother-in-law, has helped me get this far too.....he just a sweetheart and I love him... he just quietly let’s me talk or vent or whatever, and he’s just there with his compassionate eyes and... he’s just so special.... I know you just thought he was great and I know the feeling is mutual... and some of his silly jokes or stories about his life just makes me laugh so much, and that always helps me... and I know that he hurts for me and for Stephen and would do just about anything for us... you don’t find that in many people, you know?
I don’t have A LOT of people in my life that I can lean on, and above are just a few... my Mattie and Alex and Hilary are one of the biggest reasons I’ve gotten this far... I love them more than I could ever put down in words... they’re just always there for me, no matter what... and they talk about you... they’re just my Mattie and My Alex and My Hilary..... they’re my babies too! And I’m so proud to have them in my life and to be so close to them all.... I’m lucky to have them because they’re the best people I’ve ever me in my life...
Niki & Adam have been amazing also.. Niki has never given up on me even though I've been bad lately, and just haven't been communicating... but she knows it's because I'm going through a bad patch and she still calls and texts me and Adam is still plugging along and sending tons of emails...
Graeme hasn't forgotten me either..He'll just text me, out of the blue and say things like he's thinking of me and he loves me.... Stephen has amazing kids and I just love them both...and I love my Niki, of course!!
And of course, My Holly (well, she’s more than a friend, she’s our other SISTER!!) and Geraldine.. and Clappa & Donna.... and Michele....I consider myself honored to call them my friend...I could write and write and write more about each and every one of them, but I’m crying too hard now and I need to stop....
Stay tuned for more on my friends and family..... it feels good writing about them and I know you probably know all of the above, but... when I write to you, you have to be the good boy and LISTEN until I’m done!! LOL!!
I love you my Jeffie.... thanks for sending these people my way... I know you must have a hand in this because you must really hate seeing me the way I am... definitely not who I used to be when you were alive... and will never be like that again...
Love you and Miss you so MUCH!
Love,
MomMoms..... thanks for holding me up a little.....