star watcher
When im out here i find myself outside watching the stars. Then i start thinking about the shit i fucked up on and what i wish what my life would be like. since im a pisces my head is always in the clouds. i do find myself day dreaming alot when shit aint goin my way. and i truly hate it cuz i know non of it will ever happen. i love the stars i could watch them all night long i do want to find someone who i will love like i do cody but he would treat me the way i should be treated and everyone would like him. i dono maybe i will find him i do hope soon. i dono how much of this missing cody i could truly take. Everyone i know i need to get over him i do and im trying dont think that im not. sometimes i feel like i am and then its a step bck for me when the thoughts of us being happy together stick in my head. yall are sitting there propably bitching at me telling me to get the fuck over him! but its not that simple yes i know he has moved on i realize this and yall seem to not realize this but telling me this shit over and over again is seriously not helping me out at all. i need to do my own thing to try and get over this, but yall saying that stuff just makes me feel more like shit. after a while i cant take it anymore. it also makes it hard for me when i find him looking at me and looking away when i look and then to find him look at me again. i truthly think deep down inside that he does find himself at points missing me. yet this could also be my head up in the cloud buisness but i dont have any clue. i also hate the fact that i cant find anyone to take his place at this time. i was just talking to one of the girls that works out here and aparently everyone is in the hospital. one of the ladys who works here called the almbulance cuz her gal bladder right as she got here. nikki is in the hopital because she is throuwing up everywhere and then one of ninas friends is in the hospital because he hit his head when they were tubing or sumthing like that. amy said she would keep me posted on them. but yeah we also talked about 1st loves. nina still cares about hers and i still care about mine as much as we hate it.but anywho i do wonder if my crohns is acting up. i dont want to go back into the hospital at all. i dont want to be ona liquid diet or have to have 3 IVs in 5 days again. but i cant control it. my parents seem to think me staying home is goin to help me not have a flar up which i total bullshit. my mom pulled the whole guilt trip about the hospital and then cody being there and everything. the cody part made me bawl but her and her guilt trips dont work anymore. everytime we fight she brings that up and it pisses me off. it is now 12:30 and i still havent had a beer i doubt that i will have one tonight which is a bitch. ill have one when i get home tomorrow. i dono if i will get a tattoo but i do want one. if i got one it would be a old time rose with a tear drop. it would be me for the last oh i would say 17 years of my life. there is not a single month where i dont cry. mainly because of my parents or just my mom. i truly have had a shity life but after a while u find ur self putting on a happy face for the people so u dont look weak. i know i do that. there are days where i want to break down and cry soo hard but i smile and tell everyone that i am fine. when im at work i dont think about shit. im having a good time doin something i enjoy. and if its a friday night i chill with a server or a bartender which ever wants to do something. i dont usually have more than a couple of beers then i go home and crash and i love that. i dont have to try and force my self to sleep and i do actually sleep. i have became and insomniac(sp?). i either cant sleep at all or i wake up constantly. but yeah my cousin is watching jackass the movie and i think im goin to go watch that so try and make my night just somewhat of a better night. but i am trying to keep my self sane.