Letter #299 Because I am a Fan.. - Posted on 27/11/10
People who I love, who I am thankful for and who I feel so sorry to
People who I regret not loving and caring for more than I already have..
People whose mere presence hurts my heart..
People I can't protect
People I can't hold on to
People who are precious to me... who I can't explain in words alone
People who taught me how to love
.
.
I want to hold on to you.. I want to tell you not to leave us
I want to tell you everything that I've been wanting to say to you
I'm so scared that it'll end this way and we'll part and leave each other
I'm scared because I don't know how I'll live every day without you
I tried to laugh.. and I found myself laughing.
But.. But you know.. I couldn't do it on my own volition.
I keep hurting, and wearing out and getting tired.. and it all shows on my face
So I cry every day, but I pretend to be bright in front of others because I hate showing weakness
I cried today, did you know that? Maybe I'm just too young
I survive, filled with half dread and half anticipation..
Though I'm worn out and tired, I still hold on
But.. Now that I think about it, we've come too far. There's no way we could go back and fix things
Maybe I knew that from the start, maybe that's why I've been crying so much
Even if we went back in time, we'd still be having a hard time
and we might get hurt more than we have now
I know it's the end, I know that so well, so I cry
I... like you so much. I want to go back
I want to go back to when the five of you used to smile under the name TVXQ
I want to hold on to you.. I want to drag you to the past...
But..Because I am a fan.. Because I'm one of the many people who love you
I.. can't do anything, I don't know what to do, I think I'm going crazy
Every day suffocates me, whatever I do, I think of you. It makes me cry
So to hide my tears, I act more foolish, more bright, I smile more
I pray for your happiness, I pray for your freedom..
Yunho, Changmin, Yoochun, Junsu and Jaejoong are all such frail beings..
But you don't even get treated humanely, I wish you could be free
Honestly.. I wish Yunho and Changmin would just ditch SM
I'm so scared, will I be able to smile when I see you performing individually?
How much more will I have to hurt.. How much longer will we have to suffer...
Because I am a fan, because I am a fan, I must continue this one-sided love
Because I am a fan, I must keep watching over you
As a fan, I love you so much and I pray for you happiness
Under the name of 'Fan', I have been hurt because I love you so much
Because I am a fan, I love you and no matter how many tears I shed or scars I receive
I will never be able to leave this place by your side
Because no matter how hard I try, all I'll be doing is walking in circles..
Because I could never leave you
Because I am a fan.. Because I am a fan.. Because I can't help but be a fan..
by. 동방바라기
Source: [Naver Blog]
Translation credits: jeeelim5@tohosomnia.net
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