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“So bad, dude.” - Somebody from the Blog, on some random date
Ever since that fateful day when the above quote was posted onto the Blog, we have adopted it as our unofficial slogan. So bad, dude. It works to describe almost anything. Last week’s episode of RAW. A CMC post about Miami sports. The presidency of William Henry Harrison. The smell of Cyke’s last shit.
But most importantly, it can be used to describe wrestlers!
Your calls have been answered and after months of anticipation, we finally have it: the So Bad, Dudes Tournament! 25 of you submitted lists of awful wrestlers, with 225 total wrestlers receiving votes. But in the end, only 65 made the list, with one of those already being eliminated by way of the So Bad-dle Royal Play-In Match. But only one wrestler will remain and be named the Baddest Dude in Wrestling!
But enough of this introduction. Here is our special guest emcee, the Baddest MAN on the Planet, Mr. Mike Tyson! Mike, are we going to find out who the Baddest DUDE in Wrestling is?
Tyson: We will, heartbreak!
Okay then. Let’s reveal our first bracket!
THE FIGHT FOR THE RIGHT REVERSE BATTLE ROYAL MATCH BRACKET
VS.
[1] EL GIGANTE/GIANT GONZALES VS. [16] THE RENEGADE
Our first bout features the Number One Overall Seed taking on the man who defeated Kamala in the So Bad-dle Royal Play-In Match. El Gigante was having bad matches in WCW with Ric Flair when Ric Flair could wrestle a broom to at least a 3.5 star match. He then jumped ship to the WWF where he wrestled in a costume with an airbrushed asscrack. The Renegade was an Ultimate Warrior clone who wound up committing suicide after his release from WCW. WAY TO PUT A DAMPER ON THE TOURNAMENT WITH TWO DEAD GUYS IN THE OPENING ROUND, BLOG. That’s so bad, dudes. Renegade has one tournament victory already, CAN HE OVERCOME THE ODDS?
VS.
[8] THE BOOGEYMAN VS. [9] THE BLUE MEANIE
Tick tock, tick tock! Our number eight seed is commin’ ta getcha! So bad that he was bounced off of Tough Enough for lying about his age, The Boogeyman eventually found his way to SmackDown where he ate a tumor off of Jillian Hall’s face (with a side order of worms) and withered away in ECW purgatory. The Blue Meanie, the number nine seed, can best be described by Jerry Lawler during the 1997 ECW Invasion: “Blech!” Basically a fat guy in Daisy Dukes who was naked on a couch once and blew kisses at Goldust. Oh and he got his ass kicked by JBL live on Pay Per View. And fucks Jasmin St. Claire. If that’s not bad, then I don’t know what is. Will gross defeat fat? The only sure thing is that bad will triumph.
VS.
[5] KURRGAN VS. [12] NEW JACK
Our next matchup is the classic 5 Seed vs. 12 Seed bout, which historically has the most lower-seeded upsets. Our 5th seed is Kurrgan, who was a member of the Truth Commission before finding notoriety as a member of the Oddities. I think he went on to star as “Generic Soldier #348760038” in 300. Our 12th seed is New Jack, who almost killed a big fat guy named Mass Transit for not being a wrestler. So I will refrain from any negative comments about him. Diving off of balconies is the biggest and greatest contribution to the wrestling business ever! Fucking Terri Runnels is cool! But it probably smells bad, dude. Please don’t let the threat of New Jack murdering you influence your vote.
VS.
[4] KENZO SUZUKI VS. [13] TANK ABBOTT
Our fourth seed LOVES THE USA and was one of WWE’s first steals from TNA! After realizing that a Japanese guy named Hirohito might be just a tad bit offensive, Kenzo Suzuki was repackaged as Kenzo Suzuki. Managed by his wife Hiroko, Kenzo stunk up the joint, winning the SmackDown tag titles with Rene Dupree before being released after less than a year on the roster. Tank Abbott was similar to Ken Shamrock, making the transition from the UFC to professional wrestling. But WCW didn’t realize that Shamrock’s success in wrestling was because he wasn’t fat and useless. Abbott wreaked havoc on WCW programming, threatening to kill biker jobbers until he revealed that he was a closet 3 Count fan, and became their manager. And he SANG while doing so. Could Kenzo be “fucking voted out” or will Tank mimic the ladies and go down... for the 3 Count?
VS.
[6] BILLY GUNN VS. [11] PHINEAS I. GODWINN/MIDEON
Our next matchup, officially dubbed the BLOG OF DOOM ASS-OFF 2012, probably has taken place in real life, during both the New WWF Generation era AND the Attitude Era! Our number six seed is named Billy, and he absolutely sucks. A cowboy turned outlaw who loves to stick, pick, and probably lick asses, Billy Gunn has been involved in so much crap that I can’t even begin to start listing it all, so I will only list three: Cute Kip, Chyna’s BFF and Rockabilly. His opponent also likes asses, although he prefers the stuff that comes out of asses, both human and pig. His resume of bad is slightly less awful than Billy’s, as he spent years toiling around the tag team division as a pig farmer with his brother Henry O. (GET IT? HOG AND PIG! LOLOLZERS) before he shed his overalls and replaced them with, well, nothing. But in-between that, he carried an eye to the ring and stole the European Championship from Shane McMahon’s gym bag. Which of these two men will show more ass in the next round?
VS.
[3] REESE/THE YETI VS. [14] LOCH NESS/GIANT HAYSTACKS
The Dungeon of Doom EXPLODES! Our number three seed is the YET-TAY (TM and Copyright 1995 by Tony Schiavone. All Rights Reserved) otherwise known as Ron Reese. Reese floated around WCW as Dungeon of Doom member The Yeti and then became a member of Raven’s Flock as Reese, yet another jobber who wrestled in jorts. His career peaked in 1998 when he was featured as a playable character in WCW/nWo Revenge, a video game that is So Good, Dude. I don’t know much about Loch Ness other than he was a big fat British guy who went by the name Giant Haystacks in the United Kingdom. He also teamed with the late Big Daddy, another big fat British guy. Will fat reign supreme over jorts? YOU DECIDE.
VS.
[7] GIANT SILVA VS. [10] TOMMY DREAMER
The number seven seed of the bracket is the Giant Silva, who was a member of the Oddities. I like to refer to him as “The Oddity That Wasn’t Kurrgan or Earthquake” so let’s go to Wikipedia for help: His only highlight was at Summerslam 1998 when he, Golga, and Kurrgan defeated Kaientai in a 3 on 4 Handicap match. WELP! Considering I have a victory over Kaientai, that must mean that Silva is bad, dude. His opponent is a little more famous, nicknamed “The Heart and Soul of ECW” or something similar. Tommy Dreamer had a long feud with Raven and wrestled in ECW forever, even after six months of checks were bounced. He then went on to WWE and WWECW where he did a lot of MEHmorable stuff like eat hair and drink toilet water. And then he went to TNA. But he gets to fuck Beulah McGillicutty every night, so he must not be all bad, right? No matter who wins this one, we’ll all be chanting S-B-D! S-B-D! S-B-D!
VS.
[2] NATHAN JONES VS. [15] THE KISS DEMON
G’day, mates! Our number two seed is Naffan Jones, who comes from a land Down Under. Jones had a brief cup of coffee with WWE in 2003. Set to team with the legendary Undertaker at Wrestlemania, he was deemed so bad that he was TAKEN OFF THE CARD. He then vanished until Survivor Series when he was a member of PAUL HEYMAN’S HALF TON OF HUMANITY (TM and Copyright 2003 by Michael Cole. All Rights Reserved.) and then quit the company days later. His opponent was just an average guy named Dale Torborg. UNTIL ONE DAY. Gene Simmons wanted THE BUSINESS~!!! to rock and roll all night, as well as party every day, so he approached WCW with an idea for a wrestler based on KISS. And thus, the KISS Demon was born. But after Bryan Adams declined the roll, it was Torborg who was chosen to make KISS-tory. He was married to Asya in real life, and Vince Russo worked that into a storyline where Vampiro abducted her and I guess showed her his love gun. Only YOU can decide whether the next round features terrible Australia puns or a review of a KISS album by Our Boy An-Day.
And that concludes our first bracket! Tune in throughout the week as the rest of the brackets are revealed. Voting for round one will be open all week as each bracket is posted. Email votes to tbanks531 AT gmail DOT com or send via Facebook message.
Ever since that fateful day when the above quote was posted onto the Blog, we have adopted it as our unofficial slogan. So bad, dude. It works to describe almost anything. Last week’s episode of RAW. A CMC post about Miami sports. The presidency of William Henry Harrison. The smell of Cyke’s last shit.
But most importantly, it can be used to describe wrestlers!
Your calls have been answered and after months of anticipation, we finally have it: the So Bad, Dudes Tournament! 25 of you submitted lists of awful wrestlers, with 225 total wrestlers receiving votes. But in the end, only 65 made the list, with one of those already being eliminated by way of the So Bad-dle Royal Play-In Match. But only one wrestler will remain and be named the Baddest Dude in Wrestling!
But enough of this introduction. Here is our special guest emcee, the Baddest MAN on the Planet, Mr. Mike Tyson! Mike, are we going to find out who the Baddest DUDE in Wrestling is?
Tyson: We will, heartbreak!
Okay then. Let’s reveal our first bracket!
THE FIGHT FOR THE RIGHT REVERSE BATTLE ROYAL MATCH BRACKET
VS.
[1] EL GIGANTE/GIANT GONZALES VS. [16] THE RENEGADE
Our first bout features the Number One Overall Seed taking on the man who defeated Kamala in the So Bad-dle Royal Play-In Match. El Gigante was having bad matches in WCW with Ric Flair when Ric Flair could wrestle a broom to at least a 3.5 star match. He then jumped ship to the WWF where he wrestled in a costume with an airbrushed asscrack. The Renegade was an Ultimate Warrior clone who wound up committing suicide after his release from WCW. WAY TO PUT A DAMPER ON THE TOURNAMENT WITH TWO DEAD GUYS IN THE OPENING ROUND, BLOG. That’s so bad, dudes. Renegade has one tournament victory already, CAN HE OVERCOME THE ODDS?
VS.
[8] THE BOOGEYMAN VS. [9] THE BLUE MEANIE
Tick tock, tick tock! Our number eight seed is commin’ ta getcha! So bad that he was bounced off of Tough Enough for lying about his age, The Boogeyman eventually found his way to SmackDown where he ate a tumor off of Jillian Hall’s face (with a side order of worms) and withered away in ECW purgatory. The Blue Meanie, the number nine seed, can best be described by Jerry Lawler during the 1997 ECW Invasion: “Blech!” Basically a fat guy in Daisy Dukes who was naked on a couch once and blew kisses at Goldust. Oh and he got his ass kicked by JBL live on Pay Per View. And fucks Jasmin St. Claire. If that’s not bad, then I don’t know what is. Will gross defeat fat? The only sure thing is that bad will triumph.
VS.
[5] KURRGAN VS. [12] NEW JACK
Our next matchup is the classic 5 Seed vs. 12 Seed bout, which historically has the most lower-seeded upsets. Our 5th seed is Kurrgan, who was a member of the Truth Commission before finding notoriety as a member of the Oddities. I think he went on to star as “Generic Soldier #348760038” in 300. Our 12th seed is New Jack, who almost killed a big fat guy named Mass Transit for not being a wrestler. So I will refrain from any negative comments about him. Diving off of balconies is the biggest and greatest contribution to the wrestling business ever! Fucking Terri Runnels is cool! But it probably smells bad, dude. Please don’t let the threat of New Jack murdering you influence your vote.
VS.
[4] KENZO SUZUKI VS. [13] TANK ABBOTT
Our fourth seed LOVES THE USA and was one of WWE’s first steals from TNA! After realizing that a Japanese guy named Hirohito might be just a tad bit offensive, Kenzo Suzuki was repackaged as Kenzo Suzuki. Managed by his wife Hiroko, Kenzo stunk up the joint, winning the SmackDown tag titles with Rene Dupree before being released after less than a year on the roster. Tank Abbott was similar to Ken Shamrock, making the transition from the UFC to professional wrestling. But WCW didn’t realize that Shamrock’s success in wrestling was because he wasn’t fat and useless. Abbott wreaked havoc on WCW programming, threatening to kill biker jobbers until he revealed that he was a closet 3 Count fan, and became their manager. And he SANG while doing so. Could Kenzo be “fucking voted out” or will Tank mimic the ladies and go down... for the 3 Count?
VS.
[6] BILLY GUNN VS. [11] PHINEAS I. GODWINN/MIDEON
Our next matchup, officially dubbed the BLOG OF DOOM ASS-OFF 2012, probably has taken place in real life, during both the New WWF Generation era AND the Attitude Era! Our number six seed is named Billy, and he absolutely sucks. A cowboy turned outlaw who loves to stick, pick, and probably lick asses, Billy Gunn has been involved in so much crap that I can’t even begin to start listing it all, so I will only list three: Cute Kip, Chyna’s BFF and Rockabilly. His opponent also likes asses, although he prefers the stuff that comes out of asses, both human and pig. His resume of bad is slightly less awful than Billy’s, as he spent years toiling around the tag team division as a pig farmer with his brother Henry O. (GET IT? HOG AND PIG! LOLOLZERS) before he shed his overalls and replaced them with, well, nothing. But in-between that, he carried an eye to the ring and stole the European Championship from Shane McMahon’s gym bag. Which of these two men will show more ass in the next round?
VS.
[3] REESE/THE YETI VS. [14] LOCH NESS/GIANT HAYSTACKS
The Dungeon of Doom EXPLODES! Our number three seed is the YET-TAY (TM and Copyright 1995 by Tony Schiavone. All Rights Reserved) otherwise known as Ron Reese. Reese floated around WCW as Dungeon of Doom member The Yeti and then became a member of Raven’s Flock as Reese, yet another jobber who wrestled in jorts. His career peaked in 1998 when he was featured as a playable character in WCW/nWo Revenge, a video game that is So Good, Dude. I don’t know much about Loch Ness other than he was a big fat British guy who went by the name Giant Haystacks in the United Kingdom. He also teamed with the late Big Daddy, another big fat British guy. Will fat reign supreme over jorts? YOU DECIDE.
VS.
[7] GIANT SILVA VS. [10] TOMMY DREAMER
The number seven seed of the bracket is the Giant Silva, who was a member of the Oddities. I like to refer to him as “The Oddity That Wasn’t Kurrgan or Earthquake” so let’s go to Wikipedia for help: His only highlight was at Summerslam 1998 when he, Golga, and Kurrgan defeated Kaientai in a 3 on 4 Handicap match. WELP! Considering I have a victory over Kaientai, that must mean that Silva is bad, dude. His opponent is a little more famous, nicknamed “The Heart and Soul of ECW” or something similar. Tommy Dreamer had a long feud with Raven and wrestled in ECW forever, even after six months of checks were bounced. He then went on to WWE and WWECW where he did a lot of MEHmorable stuff like eat hair and drink toilet water. And then he went to TNA. But he gets to fuck Beulah McGillicutty every night, so he must not be all bad, right? No matter who wins this one, we’ll all be chanting S-B-D! S-B-D! S-B-D!
VS.
[2] NATHAN JONES VS. [15] THE KISS DEMON
G’day, mates! Our number two seed is Naffan Jones, who comes from a land Down Under. Jones had a brief cup of coffee with WWE in 2003. Set to team with the legendary Undertaker at Wrestlemania, he was deemed so bad that he was TAKEN OFF THE CARD. He then vanished until Survivor Series when he was a member of PAUL HEYMAN’S HALF TON OF HUMANITY (TM and Copyright 2003 by Michael Cole. All Rights Reserved.) and then quit the company days later. His opponent was just an average guy named Dale Torborg. UNTIL ONE DAY. Gene Simmons wanted THE BUSINESS~!!! to rock and roll all night, as well as party every day, so he approached WCW with an idea for a wrestler based on KISS. And thus, the KISS Demon was born. But after Bryan Adams declined the roll, it was Torborg who was chosen to make KISS-tory. He was married to Asya in real life, and Vince Russo worked that into a storyline where Vampiro abducted her and I guess showed her his love gun. Only YOU can decide whether the next round features terrible Australia puns or a review of a KISS album by Our Boy An-Day.
And that concludes our first bracket! Tune in throughout the week as the rest of the brackets are revealed. Voting for round one will be open all week as each bracket is posted. Email votes to tbanks531 AT gmail DOT com or send via Facebook message.