Time to say goodbye . . .
So I put my plan into action today. I brought Ben some flowers, and I had a whole speech planned. I rehearsed it a bunch last night, but you know me, I have a way of mangling everything I try to say aloud. I started by telling him about the Cleveland thing, and saying that I was leaving this weekend to go back home, and I wanted to clear the air with us. So it started out all nice and polished and ended up going totally off-topic somewhere near the middle. (I think I even made a reference to Yentl somewhere in there.) Needless to say, the whole thing went over like a train wreck. He sat there patiently the whole time. His face was totally blank, except for the slightest hint of a smile at one point. I don't think he even noticed. It was then that I thought I had a chance. But when I finished, he just got up and walked away. I just kind of stood there for a minute, unsure of how to proceed. Eventually, I realized I needed to move, so I went back to work. We did not speak or even look at each other for the rest of the day. Right before we left this afternoon, he came up to me, and said he hoped I had a good trip. I said thank you. He opened his mouth like he wanted to say more, but then just walked out. He left the flowers.
I need to accept the fact that it's over, before it even really had a chance to begin. We're finished. I'm going to Cleveland to help with the new project, and he's going to just stay here in London. I know I want to be with him, and I think he wants to be with me, but maybe we're just not ready for that right now. Maybe we should really be apart for a while. Maybe we should be apart forever. I just don't know. I do know that, based on our brief time together, I've never felt this way about anyone before, not even Scott. There's just something about Ben and me, this undefinable thing. Like Superman and Lois Lane, Kirk and Uhura, Xena and Gabrielle. . .It's just there. And like those others, maybe ours could be something special. We just need to see where this goes. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. (I hope . . .)
I need to accept the fact that it's over, before it even really had a chance to begin. We're finished. I'm going to Cleveland to help with the new project, and he's going to just stay here in London. I know I want to be with him, and I think he wants to be with me, but maybe we're just not ready for that right now. Maybe we should really be apart for a while. Maybe we should be apart forever. I just don't know. I do know that, based on our brief time together, I've never felt this way about anyone before, not even Scott. There's just something about Ben and me, this undefinable thing. Like Superman and Lois Lane, Kirk and Uhura, Xena and Gabrielle. . .It's just there. And like those others, maybe ours could be something special. We just need to see where this goes. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. (I hope . . .)