Gift Fic For jarithka [2/2]
To: jarithka
From: kyjr
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Title: sugar and salt [2/2]
Pairing/Group: Nishikido Ryo/Ueda Tatsuya
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Ryo's potty mouth, self harm
Notes: University AU - I did, however, take some liberties. Yes, their ages are all over the place. Title taken from Sho's 'sugar and salt'. Thank you to all the lovely people who cheered me on and listened to my whining, especially to O-chan who held my hand and calmed me down numerous times <3 To jarithka, I hope you enjoy this! It's a little different to what you specified... it just took on a mind of its own. Seriously. I also hope you have very happy holidays :)
Summary: Ryo doesn't know what to expect from his first year at university. It's a new year, a new start. But it's one of his new room mates that confuses him more than any engineering assignment does.
Part 1 | Part 2
They find out that Shige's birthday is in July - it's a long story that ends only when Kame sits on Shige to wrench the information out of him - and so they organise a surprise party. He's the one who deserves one the most, they think. Ryo and Ueda are put on decorations while Kame takes food; Yamapi is in charge of inviting everyone. 'Everyone' being the other people on their floor.
Their exams are horrid and Ryo doesn't want to talk about them. He's passed, though, which he supposes is good. They've got about two months free, now, and most of the other guys have organised to go home after Shige's birthday party. Yamapi's mother lives in Chiba alone, and Kame's family have moved up to Hokkaido, so both want to go visit for a while because they know it'll be a few months until they can see them again. They're not too sure of Shige's plans, but they had bribed his best friend Koyama - who shares his history classes - to make sure he stays until the first weekend of their holiday.
"Why do we have to decorate?" Ryo bitches as he holds the end of a paper streamer. Ueda's attached to the other end, fastening it somewhere above the kitchen window. "This is boring."
"Why are you complaining?" Ueda sighs, hands on his hips as he stares at Ryo. "You're not even doing anything!"
"I'm-- I'm holding this," Ryo retorts softly, staring at the end of the streamer.
"Oh, aren't you clever?" Ueda asks in a baby voice as he climbs down off the kitchen counter. "But you were meant to be hanging it up." Ryo pouts.
"I'm bored--"
"This is all for Shige!" Kame exclaims from the kitchen, from where he's . "You have to do it out of the goodness of your heart."
"...What goodness? Do you know me at all?" Ryo asks. Kame rolls his eyes.
Ryo is bullied into blowing up balloons as Ueda finishes, because he's said that Ryo can't be trusted doing anything else. Ryo thinks this is a little unfair but goes to do his job, because Ueda has recently taken up boxing lessons and Ryo doesn't want to test his skills right now.
After a few hours, the place looks great. There are streamers criss-crossing everywhere, with Ryo's balloons tacked up into groups of three or four around the place. It's all very ten-year-old of them but they couldn't resist. Yamapi laughs at them for a good two minutes when he finally comes home from his job as a waiter in a nearby cafe, before Kame recruits him to help clean up. Then it's Ryo's turn to laugh.
Shige's face when he walks in is priceless, even if his friend Koyama seems more excited than he does. He looks half-dazed so Kame has to drag him in and sit him down; his friends group around him like a swarm of bees. "You-- I-- Huh?" is all he can say as he looks around, eyes wide. "I just-- Hi." The apartment is packed with other people from the floor, including that Tegoshi kid from next door, who has decided to hang fake mistletoe up in every doorway he can reach. No-one knows why.
"Happy birthday, dork," Ryo says with a smile, and ruffles Shige's hair. He swats his hand away but beams up at him happily, still looking rather lost as he tries to take everything in. He's gotten rather fond of Shige lately, even if he still leaves his books everywhere and has stupid hair.
"He's so cute," Ueda laughs later, as they watch Shige stumble over some of Ryo's balloons that have found their way to the floor. "I need--"
"Ueda," Yamapi calls, sidling up to them. "Mistletoe," is all he says, before kissing him full on the mouth. Ryo can only watch, this strange feeling coursing up through his body as Yamapi pulls away and throws a grin in Ryo's direction. "See ya," he winks, and disappears into the crowd of people as Ueda blinks at Ryo, as surprised as he is.
"Wh-What just happened?" he asks, stunned, and Ryo just shakes his head.
"I... have no idea," he says, but he's suddenly quite aware that the feeling running through his veins is jealousy. White hot jealousy; he doesn't know what to do with that at all. "I gotta-- talk to-- someone," he mumbles into his beer, and leaves to find Yamapi. He just misses the confused look on Ueda's face as he passes.
Yamapi's alone on the balcony when he finds him, so he lights up a cigarette and goes to join him. "Sorry about that," Yamapi says, but there's a laugh in his voice that Ryo knows is for him.
"No, you're not," he mutters, before reiterating. "I mean-- Why're you apologising?" He takes a long drag from his cigarette and lets the nicotine do its job, steadying his hands and clearing his head. He watches the smoke curl up into the sky, winding around the stars before disappearing into the night.
Yamapi chuckles and takes a sip from whatever's in his cup - it's something red. "Kissing Ueda," he says simply. Ryo quickly takes another drag. "What are you two, anyway?" Yamapi asks as he leans back against the railing and gives Ryo a pointed look.
"What do you mean?" Ryo asks, shuffling himself so he can look over the railing, down onto the street below.
"You know exactly what I mean," Yamapi says. "You two aren't just friends."
"That's exactly what we are," Ryo says firmly, setting his jaw. "Friends."
"You don't seem like it to me," Yamapi shrugs, watching him over the top of his cup carefully. "You're too close."
"There's nothing there," Ryo snaps. "Just friends, Pi."
Yamapi looks at him thoughtfully as Ryo tips his bottle up and empties it. "So the way you were glaring at me when I kissed Ueda--"
"Was nothing," Ryo interrupts, with less conviction than he'd like. "It's not--"
"I don't believe you," Yamapi laughs. "Not one bit. And I don't think anyone in there believes you either," he adds, gesturing inside to where the party is still going. "There's something between you two and I guess you haven't seen it yet, but it's pretty fucking clear to the rest of us."
Yamapi lets that sink in, leaning away and going back to staring at the lights of the city. There's no fucking way Yamapi is right. Sure, Ryo was jealous, but that-- that means nothing. Right? Right. "You're reading too much into it," Ryo eventually sighs, and puts out his cigarette before leaving Yamapi and going back inside, where he's welcomed by that Tegoshi planting a sloppy kiss on his cheek. "Oh-- gross," he hisses, pushing him away - Tegoshi just laughs and carries on his business.
"Ah, I see you've met Tegoshi," Ueda says, a huge smile on his face as he hands Ryo another beer. Ryo looks up into Ueda's dark eyes as he takes it, feeling a rather warm sensation in his stomach as Ueda watches him curiously. "What? What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Ryo mumbles, dragging a hand over his forehead and cursing Yamapi for making him feel things that he doesn't want to feel. "Too much excitement for one day," he says eventually, because Ueda's got that look on his face that means he's not going to let it drop until he gets an answer. Ueda just rolls his eyes and takes hold of Ryo's elbow, steering him to the couch.
"Go sit down then, old man," he laughs. Ryo's elbow feels all tingly when Ueda lets go.
"Don't leave me though," Ryo finds himself saying, once Ueda's made sure he's sitting next to Kame and this boy Ryo doesn't know - he has big eyes and floppy hair. Ueda gives him a strange look that sends shivers down his spine.
"I would never," Ueda says, strangely serious, and sits by Ryo's feet. He winds an arm around Ryo's leg and plays with the shoelaces on Ryo's shoes.
Yamapi walks past with a knowing look in his eye, and Ryo decides that that's enough beer for tonight.
*****
It's one thirty in the morning and Ryo's half-asleep, his mind wavering between two states when Ueda sneaks into his room. "Ryo?" he calls, and Ryo grunts. "Can I sleep here?"
"Eh?" Ryo rolls over and squints into the darkness, trying to find Ueda's figure. He jumps when there's a hand on his shoulder.
"Nakamaru's asleep in my bed," he answers quietly. His voice cuts through the silence of the night softly, like his voice is afraid to disturb it. "I'd ask Kame, but he took that Ryosuke kid into his room, and I don't want to know what's happening there--"
"No more," Ryo whines, rolling back over. "Do what you want." He's too sleepy for this crap.
He hears Ueda laugh before carefully crawling in beside him; Ryo's bed is by no means large so that means they have to squish in, making sure knees are tucked in and arms are kept to themselves. Ueda settles quickly, and Ryo can feel his breath on the back of his neck, making goosebumps rise on his arms. "What's up?" Ryo asks quietly, because he knows something's troubling him.
"Did you mind that Yamapi kissed me?" Ueda asks, and suddenly it's like everything stops - the night, the air, Ryo's heart.
"No."
"Okay. It just seemed like--"
"No."
"...Okay."
"Could you--" Ryo starts, before pausing. The air is thick with anticipation as Ueda waits; Ryo stares at the wall until he continues his thought. "Could you... I dunno-- Love him or something?" he says, regretting it immediately. He feels Ueda laugh faintly behind him and then there's a finger poking him in the back.
"No," Ueda says firmly. "I couldn't love him."
Ryo feels stupid for continuing the discussion - what is this, anyway? - but he does. "Who could you love, then?"
It's a ridiculous conversation but it's hitting something inside Ryo that makes him want to hear the answer. Ueda's quiet for a moment, and Ryo shivers as Ueda's finger moves to catch his shirt and pull lightly. "You," he answers, his voice as soft as anything. "I'm not saying I do, though," he adds quickly, as Ryo's heart thuds uncomfortably. "Just saying... I could."
There're ten thousand things flitting through Ryo's head, all begging to be spoken, but the only thing he ends up saying is a small "Oh."
Ueda chuckles, and Ryo hears him turn around and pull the covers up. "Night, Ryo," he says, flinging an arm around to whack him wherever he can.
"Night," Ryo answers, elbowing Ueda in the back in response. Ueda grunts and hits him back. "Stop hurting me, bitch," Ryo growls, and Ueda laughs.
"Good night."
"Yeah, whatever."
*****
He could love him.
Ryo doesn't know what this means to him, but something inside him is telling him that it kind of means a lot. But it's not like he said he does love him, though. It would be different then. So-- So why is Ryo so focused on this? Why is he fixating on the way Ueda's finger had curled into his shirt, or the way his voice had been so soft that night? Ueda's not acting any differently now, so Ryo shouldn't either. Right? Right. So he should stop being so weird. Because Ueda's not. So he should-- Stop. Yes. Yeah.
"Honey, could you pass me the milk?" Ueda asks one morning, and Ryo drops the carton onto the floor, spilling milk all over the floorboards.
So much for that idea.
"You've put ideas into my head," he growls at Yamapi one night. They're back on the balcony; Ryo's got his legs dangling through the railing and Yamapi's leaning against the wall, one of Ryo's cigarettes hanging from his lips. "I hate you."
"You don't," Yamapi answers, in that bored tone of his. "And I didn't put anything in your head that wasn't already there."
"Shut up, I don't care," Ryo says maturely, swinging his legs. "But I--"
"You like him," Yamapi says, a slow smirk spreading on his face. "You really do."
"No, I don't."
"You do," Kame whispers from the door, and both Yamapi and Ryo jump. "Sorry. But you do. Surprise."
Ryo falls back, letting his back his the floor. "Get out, Kamenashi, you are not in this conversation." Kame sniffs but goes to finish cleaning the kitchen, even though Ryo had just done it a few hours ago. "I'm confused," Ryo says eventually, heaving out a sigh. "So, so confused."
"I don't know what you're not hearing here," Yamapi says, rolling his eyes as he pokes Ryo in the side with his foot. "You like Ueda. Duh."
"Don't," Ryo grumbles, but he knows that deep down, Yamapi is right. "I'm not-- Not--"
"Gay?" Yamapi supplies helpfully. Ryo groans and throws an arm over his eyes.
"Yeah, that."
Yamapi just laughs and gets to his feet, bending down and clapping a hand on Ryo's shoulder. "Okay," he says, this stupid look on his face like Ryo's a complete idiot. "Okay."
So Yamapi leaves Ryo on the balcony, his head feeling rather fuzzy with thoughts that he doesn't want to think about. He really kind of hates Yamapi.
*****
Ryo busies himself with music - since the semester is over, he doesn't have anything else to occupy his mind, and his mind really needs to be occupied. And for the first time in forever, Ryo locks his door.
There's a thud as Ueda walks into the door, and Ryo has to laugh. "What're you doing?" Ueda calls from the opposite side.
"Being by myself," Ryo answers, and he knows he's said the wrong thing when Ueda doesn't answer. He just can't see him right now; he needs time to himself. His mind is a mess and it sucks; every single thought is suddenly about Ueda and he doesn't want that at all. It's like he's haunting him.
So instead he tries to focus on his guitar, playing as hard as he can and mumbling lyrics under his breath as the plays, until his mind is full of music notes and muttered words. Until everything makes a little more sense; until his mind becomes just a little calmer. He knows his guitar, he knows these strings. It's all familiar.
But then, this thing with Ueda-- No, there's no thing. It's a thought, not a thing. It's not familiar at all. It's terrifying, the idea of falling when he doesn't-- when he can't--
Ryo's B string breaks with a twang, snapping up and curling over upon itself. He sits and stares at it for a while, feeling a little breathless, watching the way it wavers in the air. It seems to glare at him, thrumming with some strange energy that almost scares Ryo. He sighs and sets his guitar down, and that's when he hears the keyboard in the room next door. He knows he should go apologise but he's still... He still can't see Ueda right now.
So he starts avoiding him. He goes out with Yamapi to bars and clubs, drinking until his vision goes fuzzy and he needs Yamapi to piggy-back him home. When he drinks, he doesn't think of Ueda. He thinks about the meaning of life and about the insides of computers but not Ueda, and it's a wonderful reprieve to his ever-thinking mind. It feels like he can breathe again.
It's all so stupid though. Everything. Everything is stupid.
"Make it go away," he whispers one night, against Yamapi's shoulder. Yamapi just shakes his head and takes his drink away.
*****
Ryo's so busy trying to avoid Ueda that he doesn't notice him withdrawing into himself.
*****
Kame goes to see his parents that second week; he makes them promise to clean the fridge and to not let Shige into the alcohol again. He gives everyone huge hugs and tells them to stay safe; it's like he's leaving forever even though he's only going for about three weeks. Ryo swears he has tears in his eyes when he leaves. Yamapi laughs and goes to drive him to the train station, and so Ryo disappears into his room in order to not be left alone with Ueda. Shige's here, but Shige doesn't count.
He works on his computer this time, trying something new that they had learnt this semester. It's all thumping bass and electronic noise and it's not all that good, but it's fun to tinker around with the new program they had to learn to work with. He doesn't know how long he works for, but he goes for a wander when he's done, going to grab himself a sandwich. Shige's on the lounge, watching a documentary about bees again, and Ryo watches for a whole minute before he starts feeling phantom insects all over.
Ryo goes to take his sandwich into his room, but not before realising that Ueda's door is open. "Shige... Where's Ueda?" he asks around a mouthful of bread.
"Bath," Shige responds, and something - he doesn't know what - makes Ryo pause before going back into his room.
The bathroom isn't too far away so he goes to check on him - he has this horrible feeling that something is wrong. "Ueda? It's Ryo. You okay in there?" he calls, watching the door as if he can see through it. "...Ueda?" he asks again, when there's no noise from the other side. He hears Yamapi come home but he's not focused on that, instead latching onto the noise of the running water from behind the door. "Ueda!" Maybe he can't hear him over the top of the water.
"What's going on?" Yamapi asks on his way to his room. "You trying to catch Ueda naked or something?" He jumps back with his hands up in surrender when Ryo growls at him. "Okay, okay! Just a jo-- Is that water?"
Ryo follows Yamapi's line of sight; there's water seeping out from under the door, gently reaching for their feet. Ryo's heart drops and all he can do is stare at the water, not really seeing it as it starts to lap at his socked feet. Yamapi tries the doorknob but there's no luck; it's locked from the inside.
"Ueda!" Yamapi yells suddenly, banging on the door with a sudden sense of urgency. "Ueda--"
But then Ryo's there, snapping to attention. "Get a knife," he instructs, and Yamapi goes. "Ueda Tatsuya, open the fucking door right now!" he roars, surprised that the wood of the door doesn't buckle from the force of his punches. He tries the doorknob again but it doesn't give and Ryo gets more frustrated, every single part of him concentrating now on the sound of the water gushing inside.
Yamapi's back, sliding on the wet floor a little as he gets there. Ryo holds his breath, everything on edge as Yamapi sticks the end of the knife into the lock and turns; it slides to the left easily but Ryo doesn't even wait for Yamapi to move before he's bursting through the door. He almost falls over in his haste but that isn't what makes him stop breathing; Ueda's lying in the bath, still fully-clothed, the water pounding into the over-full bath and pouring back out again.
There are scarlet-red cuts on Ueda's wrists, bleeding out into the water, stark against his pale skin.
And then everything comes back in a flash, and Ryo wakes up with a jolt. "Ueda," he whispers, quickly racing to pull him out of the bath. Yamapi's there to catch Ueda's legs and help lower him to the bathroom floor carefully, his eyes as wide as Ryo's must be. "Ueda, it's Ryo," Ryo says, his hands all over Ueda's body, checking for a hundred things at once - is he breathing? Should he stop the bleeding? Should he check for other injuries?
"What's ha-- Oh my god," Shige gasps, standing by the doorway and surveying the scene with disbelieving eyes.
"Shige, go call for an ambulance," Ryo snaps, pressing his hands to Ueda's cheeks, his arms, his forehead. "Now," he prods, and Shige snaps out of it, nodding violently before tripping as he turns as fast as he can and runs out of the hallway. "Pi, make sure he's alright," he adds; Yamapi seems torn between this situation and Shige but realises that Ryo's right.
"I'll be back soon," he says, before disappearing down the corridor.
"Ueda," Ryo keeps repeating, his hands once again on Ueda's chest. "Come on," he whispers; he can feel Ueda's heartbeat fluttering under his hands. "Come on, Tatsuya, wake up for me." He moves his hands to Ueda's face, feeling his breath come in weak puffs; his eyes trail down to Ueda's wrists, unsure of whether to touch them or not. But the sight makes his stomach turn and it's then that he realises he's got tears running down his face; he bats them away angrily because he just doesn't have time for that right now. But they don't listen, and they don't stop.
"Don't you leave me," Ryo mumbles, his hands back to fluttering about Ueda's face, leaning over him to press his face into the crook of Ueda's neck, feeling that flutter of a heartbeat against his cheek. "Don't you dare. Don't you dare."
*****
Ueda doesn't leave him.
When he walks into the hospital room and sees Ueda sitting up in bed, smiling at his nurses, it's like he can breathe again. It takes Ueda three days to be discharged from hospital, as long as he isn't left alone for a while. He doesn't need any kind of psychological help, they say, unless he wants it - which he doesn't. He's got gauze pads on his wrists and a drip in his arm, but other than that he looks fine.
One day Ryo asks what had happened but Ueda dodges the question, going all steely-eyed, so he lets it drop.
"You're coming with me," Ryo murmurs, when Ueda is packing his bags to come back home. He pauses and turns, cocking his head. "To Osaka. It's my parent's fortieth wedding anniversary next week, and I was thinking about going down. But I can't leave you, so you're coming with me."
Ueda smiles slightly, and Ryo feels lighter. "But I don't want to intrude," he says, shaking his head. His hair isn't spiked today and it always kind of surprises Ryo when that happens; it softens his face so much that it transforms him completely.
"You won't be," Ryo says, shrugging from his place on Ueda's hospital bed. There are chairs for guests to sit on but Ryo likes the way the mattress squeaks when he swings his legs. "You won't be intruding if I'm telling you to come."
"Not asking, then?" Ueda says, quirking his lips into another smile. Ryo's heart twists as he realises how close he was to losing that.
"No," he says stubbornly. "You have no choice in this matter."
Ueda looks over to him, this soft look in his eyes. "Can't argue with that, then," he says eventually, and sticks his tongue out at Ryo.
*****
The train ride down to Osaka is a quiet one, with both Ueda and Ryo immersed in their own thoughts on the Shinkansen. They're sharing earphones, even though Ryo complains about Ueda's music tastes, and Ueda's immersed in his book; Ryo's stolen Shige's iPad (with permission, sort of), and is trawling through it trying to find good games. He tries not to let his mind wander to the gauze patches attached to Ueda's skin under his long-sleeved pullover, but he can't help it. It's driving him crazy, not knowing what happened.
He'd fucking missed Ueda. Avoiding him had been stupid, he thinks. Stupid and pointless, because Ueda's Ueda and he hasn't changed. He's still got those bright smiles, and those piercing eyes, and that easy way of talking that Ryo loves. He's still warm, and here, and breathing, and Ryo is so fucking grateful for that.
With a rapidly beating heart, Ryo places a hand on Ueda's arm and quickly looks back to his game. He feels Ueda jerk a little before turning in Ryo's direction, but that's all. He shifts slightly to make it more comfortable, and then the hand that's not holding his book is playing lightly with the ends of Ryo's fingers, and Ryo thinks everything's okay again.
Ryo's parent's house is rather big, built on a small hill on the corner of two side streets. It's surrounded by a high stone wall but it still looks rather welcoming, with trees flowing over the wall; Ryo remembers as an annoying twelve-year-old stealing his father's oranges from this side and running away to enjoy them on the swings in the nearby park. The house itself is white-brick, with wooden windowsills and huge double front doors that seem to tower above them as they stand on the doorstep. They can hear a yapping noise - Ryo tells Ueda quietly that that's their dog, Sam, who is teeny tiny and of no threat whatsoever.
"You're finally here!" Ryo's mother yelps as she opens the door - Sam shoots out to greet Ueda, who laughs and bends down to pet him. She's a rather portly woman, with Ryo's smile and temper; she's holding a wooden spoon in one hand and she's got an apron tied around her waist. And it's now that Ryo suddenly feels homesick, wanting to give his mother a huge hug - because she gives the best hugs, no matter what. So he does.
"Missed you," he mutters against his shoulder, because he's suddenly five again and his mother will be able to make everything go away. She says nothing but rubs his back, and he only pulls away when he hears Ueda clear his throat. "Oh, this is Ueda," he introduces flippantly; Sam suddenly backtracks and runs in the one spot in his haste to get to Ryo - he mustn't have noticed him before. "Hey, buddy!"
"Nice to meet you," Ueda says meekly, and Ryo watches from the corner of his eye how his mother judges him, looking him up and down before nodding.
"I'll get Seishirou to carry your things - you'll be staying in Ryo's room," she says, and trots away holding her spoon high. "Seishirou!" she screeches down the hall. "I need you out here!"
"Your family is..." Ueda trails off as he shuts the door to Ryo's bedroom after Ryo's oldest brother leaves. Ryo laughs, and kicks his bag into place by his bed.
"Yeah," is all he says. "I get what you mean."
That night, they all eat dinner together, minus Ryo's youngest brother who is touring with his baseball team and won't be back until Thursday. They sit around the low table and speak over the top of each other, flinging peas into one anothers' bowls and screeching insults at each other until Ryo's mother has enough and smashes her wooden spoon down upon the table. The quiet lasts for only a few minutes. But when Ryo turns his head after a particularly vicious attack from his little nephew, he sees Ueda laughing at the chaos, and decides that it's all kind of worth it.
The main reason Ryo had wanted to bring Ueda here was to take his mind off everything. He doesn't know what happened, but he wants to help Ueda in whatever way he can. Making him laugh is step one.
The problem is, he doesn't know what the other steps are.
*****
Ryo's put on cleaning-up duty, so by the time he gets back to his room, Ueda's sitting on the floor, going through some of Ryo's old notebooks. It should annoy him, but it doesn't.
"These are shit," Ueda says without looking up.
"I was like fourteen when I wrote those songs!" Ryo retorts, climbing onto his bed.
"No excuses," Ueda laughs, before his voice drops. "Can I... Have a shower?" he asks softly, not meeting Ryo's eyes. "I don't know where the bathroom is," he quickly adds, when Ryo stiffens. "It'd be nice if my host would've shown me around."
Ryo watches Ueda's expression, watches the way his fingers skate along the edges of his jumper. "Sure," he says, and it surprises him how easily that comes out. "Don't be too long."
"Will you miss me?" Ueda asks, cheeky smirk back on his face.
"Yeah," Ryo answers seriously, and Ueda's eyes widen as his smile falls. "Here, I'll get you a towel."
He'd be lying if he said he wasn't worried the whole time Ueda was gone. When he walks back into Ryo's room with the towel clutched in his hands, wearing baggy sweatpants and a tattered old shirt, Ryo breathes a small sigh of relief. Ueda flashes him a sheepish grin.
Ryo crawls out of his bed that night and onto Ueda's futon, pressing a gentle hand to Ueda's shoulder when he stirs in his sleep. "Wha--?"
"Just me," Ryo assures him, and Ueda sighs in what Ryo can only describe as contentment, nodding once before shuffling over to give him some room. His body is warm beside his own. Warm and there.
Ryo goes to sleep with the thought that yeah, he's really fallen for Ueda.
And it's not scary at all.
*****
The anniversary dinner is insane. They're all meant to be on their best behaviour but that just means that they're wearing suits rather than jeans and t-shirts as they throw peas at each other. Aunts and uncles that Ryo hasn't seen in years pop up out of the woodwork to congratulate him on entering university and for doing so well, etcetera etcetera, while Ueda hangs back, quite content to watch Ryo suffer.
"You look good in a suit," he comments in passing, and Ryo pulls on his tie a little. He hates suits.
"Of course I do," Ryo barks, but Ueda just laughs and hands him another flute of champagne.
"You look like you need this."
When they get back to the house, Ryo falls into his room and collapses onto his bed face-first. "I hate family gatherings," he mumbles; Ueda hits him over the head and grabs his towel. "They're all so... boring."
"I'm going to shower; you'd better be changed by the time I come back," he warns, and Ryo rolls over.
"Fine."
He's a good boy and changes into sweats and an old shirt that his brother had passed down to him. Ryo's sitting on his bed when Ueda comes back, his hair still damp from the shower and sticking up in all directions, and Ryo feels his stomach flop at the sight.
"I did as I was told," he says, and Ueda laughs as he puts his dirty clothes away.
"So I see." A pause, then "Ryo, can you help me with something? I tried to do it the other night by myself, but..." Ueda's holding a pack of island dressings from the hospital, with a cautious look in his eye. "It's okay if you can't--"
"I'll do it," Ryo says firmly. "But you'll have to come here." Ueda climbs onto the bed, looking nervous as he hands the box over. "Stop looking like I'm gonna eat you," Ryo adds, poking Ueda's cheek. "What do I do?"
Ueda slides his left sleeve up slowly, turning his arm so his wrist is facing the ceiling. "Just... make sure you place it on the..." His sentence goes unfinished but Ryo knows what he means, opening the box and pulling a dressing out. He sighs and stares at the sliver of red on Ueda's wrist, seeming almost innocent even though Ryo remembers its horrid beginnings. He knows Ueda's watching him carefully, can feel the intensity of his gaze on the top of his head, but he can't stop himself from taking Ueda's hand in his own gently. Ueda doesn't freeze, so Ryo keeps going, dropping the dressing into his lap and sliding his other hand along Ueda's forearm, careful to skirt around the cut. He feels every breath, every thought of Ueda's as he continues just running his fingertips up and down his arm and hand, tracing everything to memory as if Ueda will slip through his fingers.
"I'm sorry," Ueda whispers. It's not even a whisper and Ryo isn't entirely sure it's even spoken at all; it's something that makes itself barely heard in the dead of night. "I just... Things got to me. Everything." Ryo's breath starts to shake as he realises what Ueda's doing, but he continues just moving his fingers over Ueda's skin, not saying a word. "My parents didn't want me to choose music. I think I've told you that before. And I knew that, but... They disowned me, a few months back," Ueda says, a bitter tone creeping into his not-whisper. Ryo's fingers stumble. "I mean, I know I'm an adult now and I've been living by myself since I was eighteen but still... It hurts. Knowing that I can't go back there even if I wanted to; knowing that they don't want to see me at all. They're not the nicest people but they're still my parents." Ueda uses his right arm to clear away the tears threatening to spill, and that's when Ryo presses a kiss to Ueda's palm.
Ueda's eyes are a whirlpool of emotion when Ryo finally raises his head to look at him, but he just presses another kiss to the skin on his hand. And another, and another. Soft and gentle, because Ryo doesn't know how to talk to people but he can do this. "And then you..." Ueda continues, and Ryo's lips quiver above the joint between Ueda's forefinger and thumb. "You stopped talking to me. You just-- stopped. And there was nothing I could do or say because you didn't let me, and I..." Ueda takes a deep breath, and then Ryo can feel his forehead resting against the top of his head, still lowered to where Ueda's arms rest on his knees. "I wanted to hate you so much, but I couldn't. I was so confused."
"Me too," Ryo answers, his own small murmur whispered against Ueda's skin, so close to his wrist that Ueda shivers. He pulls away carefully, giving Ueda time to fix himself up, and reaches for the dressing again. He smooths it down on Ueda's skin, making sure it's good and secure before he moves to the other arm, sliding the sleeve down himself and taking hold of it so it's at eye level when he starts pressing kisses to that one, too. He feels Ueda shiver, feels that shiver rack his body too. "I'm sorry," Ryo breathes. "I was an idiot." He's not going to explain why he was ignoring him but an apology is an apology and Ueda takes it, nodding once and making Ryo's heart thump painfully in his chest. One more kiss to Ueda's skin and he's pulling the package of the dressing open and placing it softly over the cut they both know will scar, hiding it away from the world once more.
"Don't let me sleep alone tonight," Ueda says heavily, and Ryo knows that something's changed between them there, thinks that maybe from the first touch of his lips to Ueda's fingers that Ueda had become aware of his feelings for him. Maybe. Who knew such a word could feel so heavy on one's tongue?
Ueda's arms curl around Ryo's body that night, his fingers curling into Ryo's shirt like he'll never let go.
*****
"When's your birthday?" Ueda suddenly asks. They're back in Tokyo now, sitting on the couch in the middle of an awfully quiet apartment. The others don't get back for a few more weeks, which kind of sucks; it's kind of nice having the place to themselves.
"November," Ryo answers gruffly; Ueda's interrupting his television show. "You?"
"October."
"I'm not gonna remember that," Ryo says truthfully. "Write it down somewhere so I'll remember." He regrets saying that later, when he finds a piece of paper in his guitar case with 'October 4th' written on it in big, messy handwriting.
Nothing has happened since that night at Ryo's parents' place; they've gone back to how they were before Ryo started ignoring Ueda. But Ueda shares things more now and Ryo, even when he doesn't know what to say, will listen. He's learnt that Ueda doesn't need someone to answer him, he just needs someone to listen. So, that's Ryo's job.
It's comfortable between them. Nice, warm, and familiar, like hot cocoa on a wintery night. Every night Ueda lets Ryo change his bandages, and more often than not he climbs into bed with him, falling asleep before Ryo can voice any complaints. There are none, but it'd be nice to have the option of complaining. Sometimes he wakes up and Ueda's curled himself into Ryo's back, pressing his hands against Ryo's shoulderblades as his breath comes in steady puffs against Ryo's neck; other times he awakes to Ueda sprawled out all over, his head off the bed and his legs thrown over Ryo's torso. He likes the former better. He gets kicked in the head less often in those situations.
Nothing really pushes Ryo to tell Ueda what he's feeling. He knows now that it can't be anything other than what it is, and once he accepts that, he's fine. He ignores that Ueda is another man, that he's his best friend. Ueda is Ueda, and that's that. To Ryo, it's that simple. But he doesn't know if he wants to tell him about it. That's a completely different thing.
He needs someone to talk to.
Nakamaru is tall, and has a lot of hair that all seems to grow in the one direction. He makes fantastic cookies, though, and Ryo helps himself to another three before he's ready to hear Nakamaru's answer to his little story.
"Why're you asking me?" Nakamaru says eventually, peering at Ryo over the rim of his teacup. "I don't even know you."
"No, we met that one time-- At-- Th... Shige's party! We met at Shige's party," Ryo says, nodding emphatically. "Look, Nakawhatsit--"
"Nakamaru," he supplies quickly.
"Yeah," Ryo says, nibbling on the edge of another cookie. "I just need advice."
"I'm not comfortable with this," Nakamaru sighs, wringing his hands together. "Ueda's a good friend of mine and I--"
"Just tell me whether I should tell him or not," Ryo says exasperatedly.
"I think you should," Nakamaru's room mate says from the couch. "No feelings should go unsaid, right?"
"But Koki--"
"Doesn't matter," this Koki guy says. "Ueda deserves to know the whole truth, and then he'll be able to make a decision on it. Little half-confessions aren't gonna get you anywhere."
Nakamaru drags a hand across his forehead. "To be honest... You're probably confusing him with these sporadic hints here and there," he explains. "He's probably wondering if you are going to confess--"
"And what happens if you don't say anything, and someone else comes along?" Koki asks, now hanging off the back of the couch in order to speak to Ryo face-to-face. "Will you be okay letting him go just like that? Or will you confuse him more by telling him when this other guy loves him too?"
The two let that sink in - Nakamaru throws a cookie at Koki's head when he thinks Ryo isn't looking - and Ryo realises they're right. He nods to himself, slowly standing back up. "Yeah," he says, sounding more confident than he feels. "I have to tell him."
Nakamaru's eyes are kind when he turns to him. "You do," he says, and holds the plate of cookies out for Ryo to take. "Here, take them," he adds quietly, shifting his eyes over to where Koki has had enough excitement and has moved back to watch his football game. "Koki made a ton, and I can't eat them all alone. Please."
"Good luck, squirt," Koki throws over at him as he leaves, and Ryo barely manages to contain his comeback before the door is shut behind him.
*****
"It's raining," are Ueda's first words as he walks back in, shaking his umbrella out and placing it into the stand. Ryo's heart leaps into his throat.
"H-Hey," he says, rushing over to help Ueda with the shopping bags. "Did you get everything?" When is the right time?
Ueda nods, already sifting through the bags as Ryo dumps them onto the kitchen counter. "Guess what?" he beams, rocking backwards and forwards on the balls of his feet in excitement.
"What?" Ryo asks, attempting to grab hold of the sugar from the bags.
"I'm making you takoyaki tonight," Ueda says brightly, biting his lip as he waits for Ryo's response. Ryo pauses and turns, feeling the smile on his face before it even registers that he's smiling.
"Seriously?"
"Seriously!"
I love you.
The words go unsaid as Ryo tries to help Ueda with dinner, getting knocked back every time until Ueda threatens to hit him with anything within arms reach, so Ryo goes to sit in the lounge until Ueda finishes. His awkward love confessions can wait until later, when his mind is a little clearer. Maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow sounds good.
"Done!" Ueda announces after a while, walking into the lounge room with his homemade takoyaki. He's covered in batter and it looks like he's burnt his fingers, judging by the bandaids wrapped around three of them, but he looks so proud of himself.
The takoyaki look horrible and taste even worse; even so, Ryo eats all of his. "You don't have to do that," Ueda laughs, giving up on his and sitting back. "Really, Ryo."
"You worked hard though," Ryo says, and Ueda rolls his eyes.
"But they taste like dirt," he says with another laugh, and Ryo has to agree with that.
"Cooking isn't your strong point," he says around a mouthful, and suddenly Ueda's looking at him strangely. "What?"
"Nothing," he says softly. "I'm gonna take a shower. I've got batter in my hair..."
A while later they're sitting in Ryo's room as he changes the bandages on Ueda's arms again. The skin is healing, now, and soon Ueda won't need these anymore. Which is fantastic, Ryo thinks, but it means he won't be able to touch him so intimately. He softly traces the outline of the forming scar with the tips of his fingers, barely-there touches that make Ueda shiver.
"What're you thinking about?" Ueda asks quietly; the rain thunders down outside, trying to drown out his voice, but Ryo catches it.
"You," he answers truthfully. He looks up into Ueda's eyes as he smooths down the adhesive of the dressing, caressing Ueda's skin again. His eyes are so deep, so bright, and Ryo can't look away.
"Me?"
"Yeah." And Ryo knows it can't wait for tomorrow, it has to be now. He takes a breath to say something, but Ueda's face is slamming shut and he's backing away, pulling his arms out of Ryo's grip and sliding his sleeves back down again.
"No," he says, and Ryo feels more than a little broken. "Not-- No."
"You don't--" Ryo tries, but Ueda's standing and fisting his hair in frustration, and Ryo doesn't know what to do. He wasn't expecting this.
"No, stop that," Ueda says, voice quivering as he tries to hold in his emotions. "You just-- I--I'm so confused, and-- I need to get out of here," Ueda finishes with a growl, more to himself than to Ryo, and runs. Ryo doesn't move until he hears the front door slamming, too shocked to do anything but stare at the place Ueda had been moments before.
"What the fuck--" Ryo curses, quickly following Ueda's lead and heading outside; he slips a little on the stairs as he makes his way down to the ground floor and is greeted by a curtain of rain as soon as he opens the door. "Ueda!" he calls, but of course there's no answer; he starts running, uncaring of the rain soaking him to the bone almost immediately.
But Ryo knows Ueda, and he knows Ueda would have found somewhere secluded to sit and think, even in the middle of the rain. He quickly backtracks, checking the alleys in between the buildings, making sure he checks every shadow just in case. He finds him leaning back against the wall in one of the alleys, staring up at the rain; he's not even trying to hide. Ueda turns when he hears Ryo panting and waits for him to come closer, his earlier confusion and frustration just a ghost in his eyes.
"What the--" Ryo pants. "What was that?"
Ueda watches him awhile - he watches him so long that it gets a little weird. "I... You confuse me," he says eventually, pronouncing every syllable slowly, as if testing it on his tongue. Ryo blinks at him.
"Huh?"
"You confuse me so much," Ueda repeats, his hands back in his hair, and all Ryo can do is watch and listen. "Whenever you're near, every part of me is on edge. Every single part of me. And it scares the hell out of me because damn it Ryo, I'm so in love with you," he finishes, a hopeless look in his eye as he fights to keep the tears at bay. "But I-- I know where you stand with that, and I know that you don't--"
"Shut up," Ryo snaps, walking forward to grab onto Ueda's arms. "Repeat what you just said," he says, his voice quivering. His hands shake from where they clutch onto Ueda, and he's so sure he's heard those words he's been dying to say to him, but he thinks that maybe the rain had morphed them into something he had wanted to hear.
"I'm sorry," Ueda murmurs, biting onto his bottom lip; his eyes are so sad.
"Repeat it," Ryo says, stepping closer in order to hear it just right.
"I love you," Ueda says quietly, like the words should be forgotten as soon as they've been said. Ryo doesn't know how he's feeling at the moment; he's a mess of emotions, a confused jumble of feelings that don't know what they're doing. His heart is beating hard in his chest but he knows he needs to hear Ueda out, here, before he does something stupid. "I've loved you ever since you said we could study together." Ryo laughs at that, and Ueda sniffles a little, but there's a tiny smile on his face.
Ryo pulls him into a hug, running his hands up and down Ueda's back as he shakes in his hold - whether it's from the unloading of feelings or the cold, Ryo doesn't know. Whatever it is, he's shivering from the same thing. Ueda clutches onto the back of Ryo's shirt, holding him as tightly as Ryo is, and Ryo doesn't ever want to let go.
"I'll move out as soon as I can," Ueda says, and Ryo stiffens, pulling away and glaring at Ueda.
"What?"
"You don't want--"
"Don't you tell me what I want," Ryo growls, sliding his hands up to cup Ueda's face. "I'll tell you what I want," he adds, moving closer and closer, until Ueda is a hairsbreadth away, until he can see the pain and confusion shining in those eyes. "I want you," is all he says.
Ueda's even more confused now, and he worms his way out of Ryo's hold. "What're you doing?" he practically yells. "I--"
"Shut the fuck up and listen to me!" Ryo roars, and stuns Ueda into silence. "It's confusing to me too. But I get it now. I get that you-- you're fucking amazing, Tatsuya. You-- Don't make me say it all aloud, because you know me, and you know I suck at this stuff, but... Don't you dare think, for one second, that I don't love you too, because I do." The words aren't as difficult to say as Ryo expects, and Ueda's eyes grow wide. "I love you."
"But I--"
"Stop talking," Ryo murmurs, drawing Ueda close again. "Let me kiss you."
So Ryo kisses him, trying to convey every single thing he's feeling into that one kiss, trying to show Ueda how much he cares, holding him like he's scared he'll break yet feeling like he's not holding him tight enough to keep him here against him. Ueda kisses back tentatively, asking permission that Ryo's already granted, slow and unsure, and Ryo feels like he's soaring. Ryo pulls back reluctantly, moving the wet hair out of Ueda's face and peering into his eyes, that bundle of emotion inside of him bounding about every which way.
"Let's go home?"
*****
"You once said you could love me," Ryo says quietly, once they're back inside and have dried themselves off. They're sitting on Ueda's bed, their backs to the wall as they watch the rain pour down outside. It's better to watch rain, rather than be drenched in it, Ryo thinks.
"Yeah, I did," is all Ueda says, before he climbs over to hug Ryo around the waist. "Thank you."
"For?"
"Loving me when I thought I was broken," Ueda answers. "For letting me love you."
Ryo runs his fingers through Ueda's hair. There's nothing to say to that so he doesn't try; he knows what his silences mean to Ueda. "I think it's time for bed," Ryo says eventually. "I'm exhausted."
For the first time, Ueda sleeps in Ryo's arms. Ryo presses a kiss to the top of his head and he curls in close, his face turned into Ryo's neck and his arms around Ryo's waist. "I love you," he whispers, half expecting it to be lost into the night.
"I love you too," Ueda murmurs, and it's so much better when it's pressed into skin, when it reverberates through Ryo's body.
At the start of the year, Ryo never would have expected his life to have panned out the way it has. There have been so many ups and downs, so many twists and turns. But now that he's here, he wouldn't trade it for anything. Ueda's fingers draw mindless patterns into the skin at his elbow, tracing over a scar he'd gotten years before when his friends from Osaka dared him to ride a motorbike across their makeshift jumps. His touch feels like it's dancing across his skin and he sighs, feeling content and warm. Ryo wraps his arms around him tighter, feeling Ueda's heartbeat pressed against his chest.
They just have to tell the other guys when they get back - and Yamapi. Ryo groans at the thought, and Ueda pinches him.
"Go the fuck to sleep, Ryo, you're freaking me out."
"Sorry."
Ueda snuggles closer - it's kind of the cutest thing ever - and sighs. "It's okay. Make it up to me with breakfast tomorrow."
Ryo laughs. "No, make it yourself."
Ueda knees him in response and moves closer. "I don't make pancakes as good as you do."
"Yeah, they're kind of the best, huh?" Ryo responds, and Ueda laughs lightly. "Fine. Just promise never to make takoyaki again."
"I promise."
--the end--
Part 1 | Part 2
From: kyjr
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Title: sugar and salt [2/2]
Pairing/Group: Nishikido Ryo/Ueda Tatsuya
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Ryo's potty mouth, self harm
Notes: University AU - I did, however, take some liberties. Yes, their ages are all over the place. Title taken from Sho's 'sugar and salt'. Thank you to all the lovely people who cheered me on and listened to my whining, especially to O-chan who held my hand and calmed me down numerous times <3 To jarithka, I hope you enjoy this! It's a little different to what you specified... it just took on a mind of its own. Seriously. I also hope you have very happy holidays :)
Summary: Ryo doesn't know what to expect from his first year at university. It's a new year, a new start. But it's one of his new room mates that confuses him more than any engineering assignment does.
Part 1 | Part 2
They find out that Shige's birthday is in July - it's a long story that ends only when Kame sits on Shige to wrench the information out of him - and so they organise a surprise party. He's the one who deserves one the most, they think. Ryo and Ueda are put on decorations while Kame takes food; Yamapi is in charge of inviting everyone. 'Everyone' being the other people on their floor.
Their exams are horrid and Ryo doesn't want to talk about them. He's passed, though, which he supposes is good. They've got about two months free, now, and most of the other guys have organised to go home after Shige's birthday party. Yamapi's mother lives in Chiba alone, and Kame's family have moved up to Hokkaido, so both want to go visit for a while because they know it'll be a few months until they can see them again. They're not too sure of Shige's plans, but they had bribed his best friend Koyama - who shares his history classes - to make sure he stays until the first weekend of their holiday.
"Why do we have to decorate?" Ryo bitches as he holds the end of a paper streamer. Ueda's attached to the other end, fastening it somewhere above the kitchen window. "This is boring."
"Why are you complaining?" Ueda sighs, hands on his hips as he stares at Ryo. "You're not even doing anything!"
"I'm-- I'm holding this," Ryo retorts softly, staring at the end of the streamer.
"Oh, aren't you clever?" Ueda asks in a baby voice as he climbs down off the kitchen counter. "But you were meant to be hanging it up." Ryo pouts.
"I'm bored--"
"This is all for Shige!" Kame exclaims from the kitchen, from where he's . "You have to do it out of the goodness of your heart."
"...What goodness? Do you know me at all?" Ryo asks. Kame rolls his eyes.
Ryo is bullied into blowing up balloons as Ueda finishes, because he's said that Ryo can't be trusted doing anything else. Ryo thinks this is a little unfair but goes to do his job, because Ueda has recently taken up boxing lessons and Ryo doesn't want to test his skills right now.
After a few hours, the place looks great. There are streamers criss-crossing everywhere, with Ryo's balloons tacked up into groups of three or four around the place. It's all very ten-year-old of them but they couldn't resist. Yamapi laughs at them for a good two minutes when he finally comes home from his job as a waiter in a nearby cafe, before Kame recruits him to help clean up. Then it's Ryo's turn to laugh.
Shige's face when he walks in is priceless, even if his friend Koyama seems more excited than he does. He looks half-dazed so Kame has to drag him in and sit him down; his friends group around him like a swarm of bees. "You-- I-- Huh?" is all he can say as he looks around, eyes wide. "I just-- Hi." The apartment is packed with other people from the floor, including that Tegoshi kid from next door, who has decided to hang fake mistletoe up in every doorway he can reach. No-one knows why.
"Happy birthday, dork," Ryo says with a smile, and ruffles Shige's hair. He swats his hand away but beams up at him happily, still looking rather lost as he tries to take everything in. He's gotten rather fond of Shige lately, even if he still leaves his books everywhere and has stupid hair.
"He's so cute," Ueda laughs later, as they watch Shige stumble over some of Ryo's balloons that have found their way to the floor. "I need--"
"Ueda," Yamapi calls, sidling up to them. "Mistletoe," is all he says, before kissing him full on the mouth. Ryo can only watch, this strange feeling coursing up through his body as Yamapi pulls away and throws a grin in Ryo's direction. "See ya," he winks, and disappears into the crowd of people as Ueda blinks at Ryo, as surprised as he is.
"Wh-What just happened?" he asks, stunned, and Ryo just shakes his head.
"I... have no idea," he says, but he's suddenly quite aware that the feeling running through his veins is jealousy. White hot jealousy; he doesn't know what to do with that at all. "I gotta-- talk to-- someone," he mumbles into his beer, and leaves to find Yamapi. He just misses the confused look on Ueda's face as he passes.
Yamapi's alone on the balcony when he finds him, so he lights up a cigarette and goes to join him. "Sorry about that," Yamapi says, but there's a laugh in his voice that Ryo knows is for him.
"No, you're not," he mutters, before reiterating. "I mean-- Why're you apologising?" He takes a long drag from his cigarette and lets the nicotine do its job, steadying his hands and clearing his head. He watches the smoke curl up into the sky, winding around the stars before disappearing into the night.
Yamapi chuckles and takes a sip from whatever's in his cup - it's something red. "Kissing Ueda," he says simply. Ryo quickly takes another drag. "What are you two, anyway?" Yamapi asks as he leans back against the railing and gives Ryo a pointed look.
"What do you mean?" Ryo asks, shuffling himself so he can look over the railing, down onto the street below.
"You know exactly what I mean," Yamapi says. "You two aren't just friends."
"That's exactly what we are," Ryo says firmly, setting his jaw. "Friends."
"You don't seem like it to me," Yamapi shrugs, watching him over the top of his cup carefully. "You're too close."
"There's nothing there," Ryo snaps. "Just friends, Pi."
Yamapi looks at him thoughtfully as Ryo tips his bottle up and empties it. "So the way you were glaring at me when I kissed Ueda--"
"Was nothing," Ryo interrupts, with less conviction than he'd like. "It's not--"
"I don't believe you," Yamapi laughs. "Not one bit. And I don't think anyone in there believes you either," he adds, gesturing inside to where the party is still going. "There's something between you two and I guess you haven't seen it yet, but it's pretty fucking clear to the rest of us."
Yamapi lets that sink in, leaning away and going back to staring at the lights of the city. There's no fucking way Yamapi is right. Sure, Ryo was jealous, but that-- that means nothing. Right? Right. "You're reading too much into it," Ryo eventually sighs, and puts out his cigarette before leaving Yamapi and going back inside, where he's welcomed by that Tegoshi planting a sloppy kiss on his cheek. "Oh-- gross," he hisses, pushing him away - Tegoshi just laughs and carries on his business.
"Ah, I see you've met Tegoshi," Ueda says, a huge smile on his face as he hands Ryo another beer. Ryo looks up into Ueda's dark eyes as he takes it, feeling a rather warm sensation in his stomach as Ueda watches him curiously. "What? What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Ryo mumbles, dragging a hand over his forehead and cursing Yamapi for making him feel things that he doesn't want to feel. "Too much excitement for one day," he says eventually, because Ueda's got that look on his face that means he's not going to let it drop until he gets an answer. Ueda just rolls his eyes and takes hold of Ryo's elbow, steering him to the couch.
"Go sit down then, old man," he laughs. Ryo's elbow feels all tingly when Ueda lets go.
"Don't leave me though," Ryo finds himself saying, once Ueda's made sure he's sitting next to Kame and this boy Ryo doesn't know - he has big eyes and floppy hair. Ueda gives him a strange look that sends shivers down his spine.
"I would never," Ueda says, strangely serious, and sits by Ryo's feet. He winds an arm around Ryo's leg and plays with the shoelaces on Ryo's shoes.
Yamapi walks past with a knowing look in his eye, and Ryo decides that that's enough beer for tonight.
*****
It's one thirty in the morning and Ryo's half-asleep, his mind wavering between two states when Ueda sneaks into his room. "Ryo?" he calls, and Ryo grunts. "Can I sleep here?"
"Eh?" Ryo rolls over and squints into the darkness, trying to find Ueda's figure. He jumps when there's a hand on his shoulder.
"Nakamaru's asleep in my bed," he answers quietly. His voice cuts through the silence of the night softly, like his voice is afraid to disturb it. "I'd ask Kame, but he took that Ryosuke kid into his room, and I don't want to know what's happening there--"
"No more," Ryo whines, rolling back over. "Do what you want." He's too sleepy for this crap.
He hears Ueda laugh before carefully crawling in beside him; Ryo's bed is by no means large so that means they have to squish in, making sure knees are tucked in and arms are kept to themselves. Ueda settles quickly, and Ryo can feel his breath on the back of his neck, making goosebumps rise on his arms. "What's up?" Ryo asks quietly, because he knows something's troubling him.
"Did you mind that Yamapi kissed me?" Ueda asks, and suddenly it's like everything stops - the night, the air, Ryo's heart.
"No."
"Okay. It just seemed like--"
"No."
"...Okay."
"Could you--" Ryo starts, before pausing. The air is thick with anticipation as Ueda waits; Ryo stares at the wall until he continues his thought. "Could you... I dunno-- Love him or something?" he says, regretting it immediately. He feels Ueda laugh faintly behind him and then there's a finger poking him in the back.
"No," Ueda says firmly. "I couldn't love him."
Ryo feels stupid for continuing the discussion - what is this, anyway? - but he does. "Who could you love, then?"
It's a ridiculous conversation but it's hitting something inside Ryo that makes him want to hear the answer. Ueda's quiet for a moment, and Ryo shivers as Ueda's finger moves to catch his shirt and pull lightly. "You," he answers, his voice as soft as anything. "I'm not saying I do, though," he adds quickly, as Ryo's heart thuds uncomfortably. "Just saying... I could."
There're ten thousand things flitting through Ryo's head, all begging to be spoken, but the only thing he ends up saying is a small "Oh."
Ueda chuckles, and Ryo hears him turn around and pull the covers up. "Night, Ryo," he says, flinging an arm around to whack him wherever he can.
"Night," Ryo answers, elbowing Ueda in the back in response. Ueda grunts and hits him back. "Stop hurting me, bitch," Ryo growls, and Ueda laughs.
"Good night."
"Yeah, whatever."
*****
He could love him.
Ryo doesn't know what this means to him, but something inside him is telling him that it kind of means a lot. But it's not like he said he does love him, though. It would be different then. So-- So why is Ryo so focused on this? Why is he fixating on the way Ueda's finger had curled into his shirt, or the way his voice had been so soft that night? Ueda's not acting any differently now, so Ryo shouldn't either. Right? Right. So he should stop being so weird. Because Ueda's not. So he should-- Stop. Yes. Yeah.
"Honey, could you pass me the milk?" Ueda asks one morning, and Ryo drops the carton onto the floor, spilling milk all over the floorboards.
So much for that idea.
"You've put ideas into my head," he growls at Yamapi one night. They're back on the balcony; Ryo's got his legs dangling through the railing and Yamapi's leaning against the wall, one of Ryo's cigarettes hanging from his lips. "I hate you."
"You don't," Yamapi answers, in that bored tone of his. "And I didn't put anything in your head that wasn't already there."
"Shut up, I don't care," Ryo says maturely, swinging his legs. "But I--"
"You like him," Yamapi says, a slow smirk spreading on his face. "You really do."
"No, I don't."
"You do," Kame whispers from the door, and both Yamapi and Ryo jump. "Sorry. But you do. Surprise."
Ryo falls back, letting his back his the floor. "Get out, Kamenashi, you are not in this conversation." Kame sniffs but goes to finish cleaning the kitchen, even though Ryo had just done it a few hours ago. "I'm confused," Ryo says eventually, heaving out a sigh. "So, so confused."
"I don't know what you're not hearing here," Yamapi says, rolling his eyes as he pokes Ryo in the side with his foot. "You like Ueda. Duh."
"Don't," Ryo grumbles, but he knows that deep down, Yamapi is right. "I'm not-- Not--"
"Gay?" Yamapi supplies helpfully. Ryo groans and throws an arm over his eyes.
"Yeah, that."
Yamapi just laughs and gets to his feet, bending down and clapping a hand on Ryo's shoulder. "Okay," he says, this stupid look on his face like Ryo's a complete idiot. "Okay."
So Yamapi leaves Ryo on the balcony, his head feeling rather fuzzy with thoughts that he doesn't want to think about. He really kind of hates Yamapi.
*****
Ryo busies himself with music - since the semester is over, he doesn't have anything else to occupy his mind, and his mind really needs to be occupied. And for the first time in forever, Ryo locks his door.
There's a thud as Ueda walks into the door, and Ryo has to laugh. "What're you doing?" Ueda calls from the opposite side.
"Being by myself," Ryo answers, and he knows he's said the wrong thing when Ueda doesn't answer. He just can't see him right now; he needs time to himself. His mind is a mess and it sucks; every single thought is suddenly about Ueda and he doesn't want that at all. It's like he's haunting him.
So instead he tries to focus on his guitar, playing as hard as he can and mumbling lyrics under his breath as the plays, until his mind is full of music notes and muttered words. Until everything makes a little more sense; until his mind becomes just a little calmer. He knows his guitar, he knows these strings. It's all familiar.
But then, this thing with Ueda-- No, there's no thing. It's a thought, not a thing. It's not familiar at all. It's terrifying, the idea of falling when he doesn't-- when he can't--
Ryo's B string breaks with a twang, snapping up and curling over upon itself. He sits and stares at it for a while, feeling a little breathless, watching the way it wavers in the air. It seems to glare at him, thrumming with some strange energy that almost scares Ryo. He sighs and sets his guitar down, and that's when he hears the keyboard in the room next door. He knows he should go apologise but he's still... He still can't see Ueda right now.
So he starts avoiding him. He goes out with Yamapi to bars and clubs, drinking until his vision goes fuzzy and he needs Yamapi to piggy-back him home. When he drinks, he doesn't think of Ueda. He thinks about the meaning of life and about the insides of computers but not Ueda, and it's a wonderful reprieve to his ever-thinking mind. It feels like he can breathe again.
It's all so stupid though. Everything. Everything is stupid.
"Make it go away," he whispers one night, against Yamapi's shoulder. Yamapi just shakes his head and takes his drink away.
*****
Ryo's so busy trying to avoid Ueda that he doesn't notice him withdrawing into himself.
*****
Kame goes to see his parents that second week; he makes them promise to clean the fridge and to not let Shige into the alcohol again. He gives everyone huge hugs and tells them to stay safe; it's like he's leaving forever even though he's only going for about three weeks. Ryo swears he has tears in his eyes when he leaves. Yamapi laughs and goes to drive him to the train station, and so Ryo disappears into his room in order to not be left alone with Ueda. Shige's here, but Shige doesn't count.
He works on his computer this time, trying something new that they had learnt this semester. It's all thumping bass and electronic noise and it's not all that good, but it's fun to tinker around with the new program they had to learn to work with. He doesn't know how long he works for, but he goes for a wander when he's done, going to grab himself a sandwich. Shige's on the lounge, watching a documentary about bees again, and Ryo watches for a whole minute before he starts feeling phantom insects all over.
Ryo goes to take his sandwich into his room, but not before realising that Ueda's door is open. "Shige... Where's Ueda?" he asks around a mouthful of bread.
"Bath," Shige responds, and something - he doesn't know what - makes Ryo pause before going back into his room.
The bathroom isn't too far away so he goes to check on him - he has this horrible feeling that something is wrong. "Ueda? It's Ryo. You okay in there?" he calls, watching the door as if he can see through it. "...Ueda?" he asks again, when there's no noise from the other side. He hears Yamapi come home but he's not focused on that, instead latching onto the noise of the running water from behind the door. "Ueda!" Maybe he can't hear him over the top of the water.
"What's going on?" Yamapi asks on his way to his room. "You trying to catch Ueda naked or something?" He jumps back with his hands up in surrender when Ryo growls at him. "Okay, okay! Just a jo-- Is that water?"
Ryo follows Yamapi's line of sight; there's water seeping out from under the door, gently reaching for their feet. Ryo's heart drops and all he can do is stare at the water, not really seeing it as it starts to lap at his socked feet. Yamapi tries the doorknob but there's no luck; it's locked from the inside.
"Ueda!" Yamapi yells suddenly, banging on the door with a sudden sense of urgency. "Ueda--"
But then Ryo's there, snapping to attention. "Get a knife," he instructs, and Yamapi goes. "Ueda Tatsuya, open the fucking door right now!" he roars, surprised that the wood of the door doesn't buckle from the force of his punches. He tries the doorknob again but it doesn't give and Ryo gets more frustrated, every single part of him concentrating now on the sound of the water gushing inside.
Yamapi's back, sliding on the wet floor a little as he gets there. Ryo holds his breath, everything on edge as Yamapi sticks the end of the knife into the lock and turns; it slides to the left easily but Ryo doesn't even wait for Yamapi to move before he's bursting through the door. He almost falls over in his haste but that isn't what makes him stop breathing; Ueda's lying in the bath, still fully-clothed, the water pounding into the over-full bath and pouring back out again.
There are scarlet-red cuts on Ueda's wrists, bleeding out into the water, stark against his pale skin.
And then everything comes back in a flash, and Ryo wakes up with a jolt. "Ueda," he whispers, quickly racing to pull him out of the bath. Yamapi's there to catch Ueda's legs and help lower him to the bathroom floor carefully, his eyes as wide as Ryo's must be. "Ueda, it's Ryo," Ryo says, his hands all over Ueda's body, checking for a hundred things at once - is he breathing? Should he stop the bleeding? Should he check for other injuries?
"What's ha-- Oh my god," Shige gasps, standing by the doorway and surveying the scene with disbelieving eyes.
"Shige, go call for an ambulance," Ryo snaps, pressing his hands to Ueda's cheeks, his arms, his forehead. "Now," he prods, and Shige snaps out of it, nodding violently before tripping as he turns as fast as he can and runs out of the hallway. "Pi, make sure he's alright," he adds; Yamapi seems torn between this situation and Shige but realises that Ryo's right.
"I'll be back soon," he says, before disappearing down the corridor.
"Ueda," Ryo keeps repeating, his hands once again on Ueda's chest. "Come on," he whispers; he can feel Ueda's heartbeat fluttering under his hands. "Come on, Tatsuya, wake up for me." He moves his hands to Ueda's face, feeling his breath come in weak puffs; his eyes trail down to Ueda's wrists, unsure of whether to touch them or not. But the sight makes his stomach turn and it's then that he realises he's got tears running down his face; he bats them away angrily because he just doesn't have time for that right now. But they don't listen, and they don't stop.
"Don't you leave me," Ryo mumbles, his hands back to fluttering about Ueda's face, leaning over him to press his face into the crook of Ueda's neck, feeling that flutter of a heartbeat against his cheek. "Don't you dare. Don't you dare."
*****
Ueda doesn't leave him.
When he walks into the hospital room and sees Ueda sitting up in bed, smiling at his nurses, it's like he can breathe again. It takes Ueda three days to be discharged from hospital, as long as he isn't left alone for a while. He doesn't need any kind of psychological help, they say, unless he wants it - which he doesn't. He's got gauze pads on his wrists and a drip in his arm, but other than that he looks fine.
One day Ryo asks what had happened but Ueda dodges the question, going all steely-eyed, so he lets it drop.
"You're coming with me," Ryo murmurs, when Ueda is packing his bags to come back home. He pauses and turns, cocking his head. "To Osaka. It's my parent's fortieth wedding anniversary next week, and I was thinking about going down. But I can't leave you, so you're coming with me."
Ueda smiles slightly, and Ryo feels lighter. "But I don't want to intrude," he says, shaking his head. His hair isn't spiked today and it always kind of surprises Ryo when that happens; it softens his face so much that it transforms him completely.
"You won't be," Ryo says, shrugging from his place on Ueda's hospital bed. There are chairs for guests to sit on but Ryo likes the way the mattress squeaks when he swings his legs. "You won't be intruding if I'm telling you to come."
"Not asking, then?" Ueda says, quirking his lips into another smile. Ryo's heart twists as he realises how close he was to losing that.
"No," he says stubbornly. "You have no choice in this matter."
Ueda looks over to him, this soft look in his eyes. "Can't argue with that, then," he says eventually, and sticks his tongue out at Ryo.
*****
The train ride down to Osaka is a quiet one, with both Ueda and Ryo immersed in their own thoughts on the Shinkansen. They're sharing earphones, even though Ryo complains about Ueda's music tastes, and Ueda's immersed in his book; Ryo's stolen Shige's iPad (with permission, sort of), and is trawling through it trying to find good games. He tries not to let his mind wander to the gauze patches attached to Ueda's skin under his long-sleeved pullover, but he can't help it. It's driving him crazy, not knowing what happened.
He'd fucking missed Ueda. Avoiding him had been stupid, he thinks. Stupid and pointless, because Ueda's Ueda and he hasn't changed. He's still got those bright smiles, and those piercing eyes, and that easy way of talking that Ryo loves. He's still warm, and here, and breathing, and Ryo is so fucking grateful for that.
With a rapidly beating heart, Ryo places a hand on Ueda's arm and quickly looks back to his game. He feels Ueda jerk a little before turning in Ryo's direction, but that's all. He shifts slightly to make it more comfortable, and then the hand that's not holding his book is playing lightly with the ends of Ryo's fingers, and Ryo thinks everything's okay again.
Ryo's parent's house is rather big, built on a small hill on the corner of two side streets. It's surrounded by a high stone wall but it still looks rather welcoming, with trees flowing over the wall; Ryo remembers as an annoying twelve-year-old stealing his father's oranges from this side and running away to enjoy them on the swings in the nearby park. The house itself is white-brick, with wooden windowsills and huge double front doors that seem to tower above them as they stand on the doorstep. They can hear a yapping noise - Ryo tells Ueda quietly that that's their dog, Sam, who is teeny tiny and of no threat whatsoever.
"You're finally here!" Ryo's mother yelps as she opens the door - Sam shoots out to greet Ueda, who laughs and bends down to pet him. She's a rather portly woman, with Ryo's smile and temper; she's holding a wooden spoon in one hand and she's got an apron tied around her waist. And it's now that Ryo suddenly feels homesick, wanting to give his mother a huge hug - because she gives the best hugs, no matter what. So he does.
"Missed you," he mutters against his shoulder, because he's suddenly five again and his mother will be able to make everything go away. She says nothing but rubs his back, and he only pulls away when he hears Ueda clear his throat. "Oh, this is Ueda," he introduces flippantly; Sam suddenly backtracks and runs in the one spot in his haste to get to Ryo - he mustn't have noticed him before. "Hey, buddy!"
"Nice to meet you," Ueda says meekly, and Ryo watches from the corner of his eye how his mother judges him, looking him up and down before nodding.
"I'll get Seishirou to carry your things - you'll be staying in Ryo's room," she says, and trots away holding her spoon high. "Seishirou!" she screeches down the hall. "I need you out here!"
"Your family is..." Ueda trails off as he shuts the door to Ryo's bedroom after Ryo's oldest brother leaves. Ryo laughs, and kicks his bag into place by his bed.
"Yeah," is all he says. "I get what you mean."
That night, they all eat dinner together, minus Ryo's youngest brother who is touring with his baseball team and won't be back until Thursday. They sit around the low table and speak over the top of each other, flinging peas into one anothers' bowls and screeching insults at each other until Ryo's mother has enough and smashes her wooden spoon down upon the table. The quiet lasts for only a few minutes. But when Ryo turns his head after a particularly vicious attack from his little nephew, he sees Ueda laughing at the chaos, and decides that it's all kind of worth it.
The main reason Ryo had wanted to bring Ueda here was to take his mind off everything. He doesn't know what happened, but he wants to help Ueda in whatever way he can. Making him laugh is step one.
The problem is, he doesn't know what the other steps are.
*****
Ryo's put on cleaning-up duty, so by the time he gets back to his room, Ueda's sitting on the floor, going through some of Ryo's old notebooks. It should annoy him, but it doesn't.
"These are shit," Ueda says without looking up.
"I was like fourteen when I wrote those songs!" Ryo retorts, climbing onto his bed.
"No excuses," Ueda laughs, before his voice drops. "Can I... Have a shower?" he asks softly, not meeting Ryo's eyes. "I don't know where the bathroom is," he quickly adds, when Ryo stiffens. "It'd be nice if my host would've shown me around."
Ryo watches Ueda's expression, watches the way his fingers skate along the edges of his jumper. "Sure," he says, and it surprises him how easily that comes out. "Don't be too long."
"Will you miss me?" Ueda asks, cheeky smirk back on his face.
"Yeah," Ryo answers seriously, and Ueda's eyes widen as his smile falls. "Here, I'll get you a towel."
He'd be lying if he said he wasn't worried the whole time Ueda was gone. When he walks back into Ryo's room with the towel clutched in his hands, wearing baggy sweatpants and a tattered old shirt, Ryo breathes a small sigh of relief. Ueda flashes him a sheepish grin.
Ryo crawls out of his bed that night and onto Ueda's futon, pressing a gentle hand to Ueda's shoulder when he stirs in his sleep. "Wha--?"
"Just me," Ryo assures him, and Ueda sighs in what Ryo can only describe as contentment, nodding once before shuffling over to give him some room. His body is warm beside his own. Warm and there.
Ryo goes to sleep with the thought that yeah, he's really fallen for Ueda.
And it's not scary at all.
*****
The anniversary dinner is insane. They're all meant to be on their best behaviour but that just means that they're wearing suits rather than jeans and t-shirts as they throw peas at each other. Aunts and uncles that Ryo hasn't seen in years pop up out of the woodwork to congratulate him on entering university and for doing so well, etcetera etcetera, while Ueda hangs back, quite content to watch Ryo suffer.
"You look good in a suit," he comments in passing, and Ryo pulls on his tie a little. He hates suits.
"Of course I do," Ryo barks, but Ueda just laughs and hands him another flute of champagne.
"You look like you need this."
When they get back to the house, Ryo falls into his room and collapses onto his bed face-first. "I hate family gatherings," he mumbles; Ueda hits him over the head and grabs his towel. "They're all so... boring."
"I'm going to shower; you'd better be changed by the time I come back," he warns, and Ryo rolls over.
"Fine."
He's a good boy and changes into sweats and an old shirt that his brother had passed down to him. Ryo's sitting on his bed when Ueda comes back, his hair still damp from the shower and sticking up in all directions, and Ryo feels his stomach flop at the sight.
"I did as I was told," he says, and Ueda laughs as he puts his dirty clothes away.
"So I see." A pause, then "Ryo, can you help me with something? I tried to do it the other night by myself, but..." Ueda's holding a pack of island dressings from the hospital, with a cautious look in his eye. "It's okay if you can't--"
"I'll do it," Ryo says firmly. "But you'll have to come here." Ueda climbs onto the bed, looking nervous as he hands the box over. "Stop looking like I'm gonna eat you," Ryo adds, poking Ueda's cheek. "What do I do?"
Ueda slides his left sleeve up slowly, turning his arm so his wrist is facing the ceiling. "Just... make sure you place it on the..." His sentence goes unfinished but Ryo knows what he means, opening the box and pulling a dressing out. He sighs and stares at the sliver of red on Ueda's wrist, seeming almost innocent even though Ryo remembers its horrid beginnings. He knows Ueda's watching him carefully, can feel the intensity of his gaze on the top of his head, but he can't stop himself from taking Ueda's hand in his own gently. Ueda doesn't freeze, so Ryo keeps going, dropping the dressing into his lap and sliding his other hand along Ueda's forearm, careful to skirt around the cut. He feels every breath, every thought of Ueda's as he continues just running his fingertips up and down his arm and hand, tracing everything to memory as if Ueda will slip through his fingers.
"I'm sorry," Ueda whispers. It's not even a whisper and Ryo isn't entirely sure it's even spoken at all; it's something that makes itself barely heard in the dead of night. "I just... Things got to me. Everything." Ryo's breath starts to shake as he realises what Ueda's doing, but he continues just moving his fingers over Ueda's skin, not saying a word. "My parents didn't want me to choose music. I think I've told you that before. And I knew that, but... They disowned me, a few months back," Ueda says, a bitter tone creeping into his not-whisper. Ryo's fingers stumble. "I mean, I know I'm an adult now and I've been living by myself since I was eighteen but still... It hurts. Knowing that I can't go back there even if I wanted to; knowing that they don't want to see me at all. They're not the nicest people but they're still my parents." Ueda uses his right arm to clear away the tears threatening to spill, and that's when Ryo presses a kiss to Ueda's palm.
Ueda's eyes are a whirlpool of emotion when Ryo finally raises his head to look at him, but he just presses another kiss to the skin on his hand. And another, and another. Soft and gentle, because Ryo doesn't know how to talk to people but he can do this. "And then you..." Ueda continues, and Ryo's lips quiver above the joint between Ueda's forefinger and thumb. "You stopped talking to me. You just-- stopped. And there was nothing I could do or say because you didn't let me, and I..." Ueda takes a deep breath, and then Ryo can feel his forehead resting against the top of his head, still lowered to where Ueda's arms rest on his knees. "I wanted to hate you so much, but I couldn't. I was so confused."
"Me too," Ryo answers, his own small murmur whispered against Ueda's skin, so close to his wrist that Ueda shivers. He pulls away carefully, giving Ueda time to fix himself up, and reaches for the dressing again. He smooths it down on Ueda's skin, making sure it's good and secure before he moves to the other arm, sliding the sleeve down himself and taking hold of it so it's at eye level when he starts pressing kisses to that one, too. He feels Ueda shiver, feels that shiver rack his body too. "I'm sorry," Ryo breathes. "I was an idiot." He's not going to explain why he was ignoring him but an apology is an apology and Ueda takes it, nodding once and making Ryo's heart thump painfully in his chest. One more kiss to Ueda's skin and he's pulling the package of the dressing open and placing it softly over the cut they both know will scar, hiding it away from the world once more.
"Don't let me sleep alone tonight," Ueda says heavily, and Ryo knows that something's changed between them there, thinks that maybe from the first touch of his lips to Ueda's fingers that Ueda had become aware of his feelings for him. Maybe. Who knew such a word could feel so heavy on one's tongue?
Ueda's arms curl around Ryo's body that night, his fingers curling into Ryo's shirt like he'll never let go.
*****
"When's your birthday?" Ueda suddenly asks. They're back in Tokyo now, sitting on the couch in the middle of an awfully quiet apartment. The others don't get back for a few more weeks, which kind of sucks; it's kind of nice having the place to themselves.
"November," Ryo answers gruffly; Ueda's interrupting his television show. "You?"
"October."
"I'm not gonna remember that," Ryo says truthfully. "Write it down somewhere so I'll remember." He regrets saying that later, when he finds a piece of paper in his guitar case with 'October 4th' written on it in big, messy handwriting.
Nothing has happened since that night at Ryo's parents' place; they've gone back to how they were before Ryo started ignoring Ueda. But Ueda shares things more now and Ryo, even when he doesn't know what to say, will listen. He's learnt that Ueda doesn't need someone to answer him, he just needs someone to listen. So, that's Ryo's job.
It's comfortable between them. Nice, warm, and familiar, like hot cocoa on a wintery night. Every night Ueda lets Ryo change his bandages, and more often than not he climbs into bed with him, falling asleep before Ryo can voice any complaints. There are none, but it'd be nice to have the option of complaining. Sometimes he wakes up and Ueda's curled himself into Ryo's back, pressing his hands against Ryo's shoulderblades as his breath comes in steady puffs against Ryo's neck; other times he awakes to Ueda sprawled out all over, his head off the bed and his legs thrown over Ryo's torso. He likes the former better. He gets kicked in the head less often in those situations.
Nothing really pushes Ryo to tell Ueda what he's feeling. He knows now that it can't be anything other than what it is, and once he accepts that, he's fine. He ignores that Ueda is another man, that he's his best friend. Ueda is Ueda, and that's that. To Ryo, it's that simple. But he doesn't know if he wants to tell him about it. That's a completely different thing.
He needs someone to talk to.
Nakamaru is tall, and has a lot of hair that all seems to grow in the one direction. He makes fantastic cookies, though, and Ryo helps himself to another three before he's ready to hear Nakamaru's answer to his little story.
"Why're you asking me?" Nakamaru says eventually, peering at Ryo over the rim of his teacup. "I don't even know you."
"No, we met that one time-- At-- Th... Shige's party! We met at Shige's party," Ryo says, nodding emphatically. "Look, Nakawhatsit--"
"Nakamaru," he supplies quickly.
"Yeah," Ryo says, nibbling on the edge of another cookie. "I just need advice."
"I'm not comfortable with this," Nakamaru sighs, wringing his hands together. "Ueda's a good friend of mine and I--"
"Just tell me whether I should tell him or not," Ryo says exasperatedly.
"I think you should," Nakamaru's room mate says from the couch. "No feelings should go unsaid, right?"
"But Koki--"
"Doesn't matter," this Koki guy says. "Ueda deserves to know the whole truth, and then he'll be able to make a decision on it. Little half-confessions aren't gonna get you anywhere."
Nakamaru drags a hand across his forehead. "To be honest... You're probably confusing him with these sporadic hints here and there," he explains. "He's probably wondering if you are going to confess--"
"And what happens if you don't say anything, and someone else comes along?" Koki asks, now hanging off the back of the couch in order to speak to Ryo face-to-face. "Will you be okay letting him go just like that? Or will you confuse him more by telling him when this other guy loves him too?"
The two let that sink in - Nakamaru throws a cookie at Koki's head when he thinks Ryo isn't looking - and Ryo realises they're right. He nods to himself, slowly standing back up. "Yeah," he says, sounding more confident than he feels. "I have to tell him."
Nakamaru's eyes are kind when he turns to him. "You do," he says, and holds the plate of cookies out for Ryo to take. "Here, take them," he adds quietly, shifting his eyes over to where Koki has had enough excitement and has moved back to watch his football game. "Koki made a ton, and I can't eat them all alone. Please."
"Good luck, squirt," Koki throws over at him as he leaves, and Ryo barely manages to contain his comeback before the door is shut behind him.
*****
"It's raining," are Ueda's first words as he walks back in, shaking his umbrella out and placing it into the stand. Ryo's heart leaps into his throat.
"H-Hey," he says, rushing over to help Ueda with the shopping bags. "Did you get everything?" When is the right time?
Ueda nods, already sifting through the bags as Ryo dumps them onto the kitchen counter. "Guess what?" he beams, rocking backwards and forwards on the balls of his feet in excitement.
"What?" Ryo asks, attempting to grab hold of the sugar from the bags.
"I'm making you takoyaki tonight," Ueda says brightly, biting his lip as he waits for Ryo's response. Ryo pauses and turns, feeling the smile on his face before it even registers that he's smiling.
"Seriously?"
"Seriously!"
I love you.
The words go unsaid as Ryo tries to help Ueda with dinner, getting knocked back every time until Ueda threatens to hit him with anything within arms reach, so Ryo goes to sit in the lounge until Ueda finishes. His awkward love confessions can wait until later, when his mind is a little clearer. Maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow sounds good.
"Done!" Ueda announces after a while, walking into the lounge room with his homemade takoyaki. He's covered in batter and it looks like he's burnt his fingers, judging by the bandaids wrapped around three of them, but he looks so proud of himself.
The takoyaki look horrible and taste even worse; even so, Ryo eats all of his. "You don't have to do that," Ueda laughs, giving up on his and sitting back. "Really, Ryo."
"You worked hard though," Ryo says, and Ueda rolls his eyes.
"But they taste like dirt," he says with another laugh, and Ryo has to agree with that.
"Cooking isn't your strong point," he says around a mouthful, and suddenly Ueda's looking at him strangely. "What?"
"Nothing," he says softly. "I'm gonna take a shower. I've got batter in my hair..."
A while later they're sitting in Ryo's room as he changes the bandages on Ueda's arms again. The skin is healing, now, and soon Ueda won't need these anymore. Which is fantastic, Ryo thinks, but it means he won't be able to touch him so intimately. He softly traces the outline of the forming scar with the tips of his fingers, barely-there touches that make Ueda shiver.
"What're you thinking about?" Ueda asks quietly; the rain thunders down outside, trying to drown out his voice, but Ryo catches it.
"You," he answers truthfully. He looks up into Ueda's eyes as he smooths down the adhesive of the dressing, caressing Ueda's skin again. His eyes are so deep, so bright, and Ryo can't look away.
"Me?"
"Yeah." And Ryo knows it can't wait for tomorrow, it has to be now. He takes a breath to say something, but Ueda's face is slamming shut and he's backing away, pulling his arms out of Ryo's grip and sliding his sleeves back down again.
"No," he says, and Ryo feels more than a little broken. "Not-- No."
"You don't--" Ryo tries, but Ueda's standing and fisting his hair in frustration, and Ryo doesn't know what to do. He wasn't expecting this.
"No, stop that," Ueda says, voice quivering as he tries to hold in his emotions. "You just-- I--I'm so confused, and-- I need to get out of here," Ueda finishes with a growl, more to himself than to Ryo, and runs. Ryo doesn't move until he hears the front door slamming, too shocked to do anything but stare at the place Ueda had been moments before.
"What the fuck--" Ryo curses, quickly following Ueda's lead and heading outside; he slips a little on the stairs as he makes his way down to the ground floor and is greeted by a curtain of rain as soon as he opens the door. "Ueda!" he calls, but of course there's no answer; he starts running, uncaring of the rain soaking him to the bone almost immediately.
But Ryo knows Ueda, and he knows Ueda would have found somewhere secluded to sit and think, even in the middle of the rain. He quickly backtracks, checking the alleys in between the buildings, making sure he checks every shadow just in case. He finds him leaning back against the wall in one of the alleys, staring up at the rain; he's not even trying to hide. Ueda turns when he hears Ryo panting and waits for him to come closer, his earlier confusion and frustration just a ghost in his eyes.
"What the--" Ryo pants. "What was that?"
Ueda watches him awhile - he watches him so long that it gets a little weird. "I... You confuse me," he says eventually, pronouncing every syllable slowly, as if testing it on his tongue. Ryo blinks at him.
"Huh?"
"You confuse me so much," Ueda repeats, his hands back in his hair, and all Ryo can do is watch and listen. "Whenever you're near, every part of me is on edge. Every single part of me. And it scares the hell out of me because damn it Ryo, I'm so in love with you," he finishes, a hopeless look in his eye as he fights to keep the tears at bay. "But I-- I know where you stand with that, and I know that you don't--"
"Shut up," Ryo snaps, walking forward to grab onto Ueda's arms. "Repeat what you just said," he says, his voice quivering. His hands shake from where they clutch onto Ueda, and he's so sure he's heard those words he's been dying to say to him, but he thinks that maybe the rain had morphed them into something he had wanted to hear.
"I'm sorry," Ueda murmurs, biting onto his bottom lip; his eyes are so sad.
"Repeat it," Ryo says, stepping closer in order to hear it just right.
"I love you," Ueda says quietly, like the words should be forgotten as soon as they've been said. Ryo doesn't know how he's feeling at the moment; he's a mess of emotions, a confused jumble of feelings that don't know what they're doing. His heart is beating hard in his chest but he knows he needs to hear Ueda out, here, before he does something stupid. "I've loved you ever since you said we could study together." Ryo laughs at that, and Ueda sniffles a little, but there's a tiny smile on his face.
Ryo pulls him into a hug, running his hands up and down Ueda's back as he shakes in his hold - whether it's from the unloading of feelings or the cold, Ryo doesn't know. Whatever it is, he's shivering from the same thing. Ueda clutches onto the back of Ryo's shirt, holding him as tightly as Ryo is, and Ryo doesn't ever want to let go.
"I'll move out as soon as I can," Ueda says, and Ryo stiffens, pulling away and glaring at Ueda.
"What?"
"You don't want--"
"Don't you tell me what I want," Ryo growls, sliding his hands up to cup Ueda's face. "I'll tell you what I want," he adds, moving closer and closer, until Ueda is a hairsbreadth away, until he can see the pain and confusion shining in those eyes. "I want you," is all he says.
Ueda's even more confused now, and he worms his way out of Ryo's hold. "What're you doing?" he practically yells. "I--"
"Shut the fuck up and listen to me!" Ryo roars, and stuns Ueda into silence. "It's confusing to me too. But I get it now. I get that you-- you're fucking amazing, Tatsuya. You-- Don't make me say it all aloud, because you know me, and you know I suck at this stuff, but... Don't you dare think, for one second, that I don't love you too, because I do." The words aren't as difficult to say as Ryo expects, and Ueda's eyes grow wide. "I love you."
"But I--"
"Stop talking," Ryo murmurs, drawing Ueda close again. "Let me kiss you."
So Ryo kisses him, trying to convey every single thing he's feeling into that one kiss, trying to show Ueda how much he cares, holding him like he's scared he'll break yet feeling like he's not holding him tight enough to keep him here against him. Ueda kisses back tentatively, asking permission that Ryo's already granted, slow and unsure, and Ryo feels like he's soaring. Ryo pulls back reluctantly, moving the wet hair out of Ueda's face and peering into his eyes, that bundle of emotion inside of him bounding about every which way.
"Let's go home?"
*****
"You once said you could love me," Ryo says quietly, once they're back inside and have dried themselves off. They're sitting on Ueda's bed, their backs to the wall as they watch the rain pour down outside. It's better to watch rain, rather than be drenched in it, Ryo thinks.
"Yeah, I did," is all Ueda says, before he climbs over to hug Ryo around the waist. "Thank you."
"For?"
"Loving me when I thought I was broken," Ueda answers. "For letting me love you."
Ryo runs his fingers through Ueda's hair. There's nothing to say to that so he doesn't try; he knows what his silences mean to Ueda. "I think it's time for bed," Ryo says eventually. "I'm exhausted."
For the first time, Ueda sleeps in Ryo's arms. Ryo presses a kiss to the top of his head and he curls in close, his face turned into Ryo's neck and his arms around Ryo's waist. "I love you," he whispers, half expecting it to be lost into the night.
"I love you too," Ueda murmurs, and it's so much better when it's pressed into skin, when it reverberates through Ryo's body.
At the start of the year, Ryo never would have expected his life to have panned out the way it has. There have been so many ups and downs, so many twists and turns. But now that he's here, he wouldn't trade it for anything. Ueda's fingers draw mindless patterns into the skin at his elbow, tracing over a scar he'd gotten years before when his friends from Osaka dared him to ride a motorbike across their makeshift jumps. His touch feels like it's dancing across his skin and he sighs, feeling content and warm. Ryo wraps his arms around him tighter, feeling Ueda's heartbeat pressed against his chest.
They just have to tell the other guys when they get back - and Yamapi. Ryo groans at the thought, and Ueda pinches him.
"Go the fuck to sleep, Ryo, you're freaking me out."
"Sorry."
Ueda snuggles closer - it's kind of the cutest thing ever - and sighs. "It's okay. Make it up to me with breakfast tomorrow."
Ryo laughs. "No, make it yourself."
Ueda knees him in response and moves closer. "I don't make pancakes as good as you do."
"Yeah, they're kind of the best, huh?" Ryo responds, and Ueda laughs lightly. "Fine. Just promise never to make takoyaki again."
"I promise."
--the end--
Part 1 | Part 2