two new entries

[jdvancamp]

I made a couple previously private entries, not private. So anyone interested can go investigate these previously hidden posts.

I don't think it makes a difference anymore if they can be read by people or not. No one is going to comment or care anyways... that actually really really depresses me, to the point where I may stop using this thing.

....

Comments

[markwaters]

Love is about selflessness, Jon. It is not about who you are, what you look like, your potential, your shortcomings or any combination of any of them. It is giving another person everything you have and not expecting anything in return. I believe that it is a concept that transcends human precedent -- and that is why so many relationships and marriages are doomed to fail.

Now, I understand you're down on yourself. But there is quite literally nothing going on in your head and overall persona that you can't change with a bit of willpower and awareness. You won't feel great overnight. You probably won't feel great ever, if you want to hear the truth. But don't relinquish control every time you don't feel good about yourself. You can change if that's what you really want.

There are no right answers. Life is about making shit up as you go along -- or believing other people's made up shit if you feel so inclined. The best part is that you're young and you have a lot of time to sort it all out. You're only going to "always feel this way" if that is what you decide to do. If you're looking for some epiphany or great happening to come and save you, you'll be waiting for a long time. You'll always find dissatisfaction if that's what you're looking for.

I'm not telling you to be an optimist because coming from me, that would be fucking absurd. I'm telling you to never rule out possibility and have respect for life's lack of permanence. Your despair today is the butt of a joke tomorrow. I'll tell you one thing, you wouldn't be pondering the intricacies of human existence if you were starving and almost freezing to death every night in an alley. Our fortune is unfortunate, isn't it?

[jdvancamp]

I had a response cooked up to what you said Mark because there's a lot of insight in it... but in the end I decided that I don't actually know if I meant what I was saying. You're completely right about the lack of permanence in life... because I don't know what I think or how I feel from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour.

Love is a pretty shitty thing sometimes. Sure love is selflessness, but that selflessness can still make you feel like shit when you can't control it. That feeling is what makes loving someone who doesn't love you back so confusing and hurtful I think. You keep giving part of yourself and can't stop even if it is destructive to yourself. I think I've loved (and still do), but then again I'm still unsure as to whether or not love really does exist. I'd like to think so, and I'd like to think I have experienced it... but I don't think I'll ever know for sure.

I also feel guilty about your last statement pretty much everyday. I think about all the things I have and I become racked with guilt for not being more content with things. A big reason I hate myself sometimes is because I feel shitty when I have little reason to. I don't deserve what I have because I don't appreciate it.

I hope you're right that I can change things for myself with some willpower and awareness. I've just never been able to change my circumstances by my own power. I try sometimes to focus my thoughts in that manner, but I can never sustain that kind of thing. Perhaps in the future I'll be able to do more for myself, but for now I still feel pretty lost.

I go through a routine and do what I should do still, but I'm not really sure why anymore.

[markwaters]

You go through the routine because that is what there is to do. You're in college, you have opportunities, you're healthy and alive and there are no reasons not to just take that step forward. It's your attitude that will shape your reasoning in the years to come.

[jdvancamp]

I guess. It's not a very appealing prospect at this point still. I'm hoping that maybe some counseling will help my perspective/attitude about things.

When I believe in that what I am doing is right, I can always envision the future in some way... even if it's not a realistic depiction of how things will be. I can't envision my own future anymore (or at least not a future I want), and that kind of sends me a strong signal that something is out of place. It could very well just be my attitude that needs adjusting and not anything in my life, but I need to figure this thing out.

Perhaps just giving in and taking medication is the solution right now. I have always avoided it in the past, but I dunno.

[_fancypants_]

Dude, I don't think medication is ever a solution. Did you see what that chimp did on Xanax? I wouldn't want you ripping off faces or anything.

[jdvancamp]

I agree with you, but I'm only considering because of a lack of other foreseeable options. I'm going to give counseling a fair shot before I make any decisions regarding medication.

I've been recommended to take meds in the past and I've always turned them down. I'm really afraid that I'll take anti-depressants and it will change me or something. I don't like the idea of my mind being altered like that. It's almost like your personality is being changed in a way.

I also confess to not knowing a whole lot about them, so I would also read a lot before I even considered it. I dunno, it just seem weird to think that a pill could somehow make me feel better.

[jdvancamp]

To address your question/comment about the chimp (which I kind of neglected to do) I did see that. It also probably isn't the best way to discourage me by bringing that up. If anything that is a reason for me to go on meds. I wish I had the capacity to rip faces off... it seems like a potentially useful skill to have.