two new entries
I made a couple previously private entries, not private. So anyone interested can go investigate these previously hidden posts.
I don't think it makes a difference anymore if they can be read by people or not. No one is going to comment or care anyways... that actually really really depresses me, to the point where I may stop using this thing.
.... COMBINING ANOTHER ENTRY - it seems pointless to make a separate one so close to the last.
I don't know what to do anymore. I finally got the reality of the situation between Kaitlin and I explained pretty well. I either hadn't fully understood it previously, or I had fooled myself into believing otherwise. Either way I don't think I'll ever truly understand what happened. I'm thinking back and it was less than a month ago that she came to visit me and everything was great between us. It's so hard to contemplate how things became so bad so quickly, and escalated to this.
I haven't had a whole lot of time to adapt to all of this, and part of me is still have trouble dealing with the shock of reality. Just a month ago I wouldn't have been able to believe that right now I wouldn't have her with me. I did and still do really love and care for her dearly, but looking back I wish I would have been better to her than I was. Sometimes people get complacent and begin to take the best things in life for granted, and it's only after those things are gone that their full value comes back into focus.
I'm not saying I was the worst boyfriend in the world or that I didn't care... because that's not true at all. I really cared for her and tried to be a good boyfriend whenever I can. I just look back and wish I would have done some things better, I know I could have treated her better because she's a wonderful person who deserves the world.
So needless to say, I'm pretty crushed. I think the small bit of hope that we would maybe get back together kept me afloat and prevented me from feeling the full weight of the situation. I can't stop going back and thinking about all the times we had together, and it's killing me. I also still can't help but think that maybe if I had done some things differently that we might still be together. I think in the end I'll end up blaming myself for this happening rather than the true causes.
I just really hope that I wasn't a mistake, or a rebound that got way too entrenched in her life. I don't by any means believe that she would do anything intentionally to harm me... but I just feel like because of the way our relationship started that I was someone she wouldn't have otherwise dated and I became more important to her than I should have otherwise. I feel like maybe she feels she made a mistake leaving her last boyfriend, and I was just a phase between them getting back together. It would serve me right if that were the case, considering I was "that guy" who started dating the girl right after a break up.
That last thought is a really painful one because it adds to the whole notion I felt something that she just couldn't. She was right for me, but I just wasn't right for her I guess. She's a very special person who really deserves someone who is absolutely right for her, I just really hope she can find whatever that right thing is... she seems really unsure of what she wants and I pitty her for that.
I also pitty myself because I know what I want from a partner now and it's most of the qualities that Kaitlin has... and I can't make her feel the same way about me, no matter how hard I try. I think I'm going to be looking for a girl that stacks up against her from now on, and I'll never be satisfiend because no one will compare. No one will be quite the same.
It's because of how unique and refreshing she is that I can't see myself dating 99% of the women out there. All the girls I encounter are all generic and don't seem to be people I could find myself relating to like I did with Kaitlin. In a way I almost wish I'd never dated Kaitlin because I'd be easily satisfiend with less from a partner that way. I don't know if it's good or bad to be overly selective in this way, but it's how I am now. I can never go back to having a relationship like I had with Kelsey, after having one like I did with Kaitlin... it's just not possible when I know there's something like that out there.
To be clear, personality is what I'm most concerned about. Don't get me wrong, physical attractiveness plays a role in all this as well... but I've realized this past year that a persons personality is so much more important than physical appearance is. Some level of attraction is necessary, but it's my opinion that too many people are interested in the physical rather than the mental. It just upsets me because I'm not sure I'll be able to find another girl who has a great personality and is attractive like she was.
It really doesn't help me that I myself am ugly as fuck, and am a pretty shitty person. I really believe there's something about me that is just fucked up deep down... and I sometimes think that maybe it's better I avoid more relationships. I think this because I want to spare the other person from my bullshit and because I don't like to open myself up (I always think I will and do get hurt). I think there's something about me that makes it hard for me to hold up a stable relationship and for people to stay with me.
This all sounds really creepy and stalkerish, but it's not meant to be that way. This is just something I need to get out of my head, things I can't really say to anyone so I have to type in this journal. I just don't want to hurt anymore, and I don't want to worry anymore. I'm really just of being "sick of". I don't know if writing this is actually helping me or not, but at least it's a distraction from sitting here alone in my depressing world.
My life feels so out of order and fucked up and I have no idea what to do about it. I think I stated it before, but my relationship was just a way for me to ignore my problems. I'm not saying that I regret it or blaming the relationship, infact I'd like nothing more than to have it again... but it's not the point. My life isn't where it should be, and I'm not at all satisfiend with anything right now.
We're here to live in this world just once, and I'm in my prime years right now. Shouldn't I be doing something that satisfies me, that makes me happy? Even if I was doing something differently than I am now, I don't know if I'll ever be able to be truly content with anything. Then again, maybe I could be if I tried something different, I have no idea.
Is it just my place in life to suffer? Does my meaning in life come from my own unhappiness? It just seems like there isn't a point to going on if it's always going to be this way no matter what I do. Pretty soon I will have passed through the best years of my life, and having nothing fond to reflect upon; as well as nothing promising to look forward to. What is this world all about, and what is the point to living? These are really cliche questions, but important ones I've always kind of wondered... I just really need an answer more than ever. If I don't find an answer soon, either I'm not going to make it, or I will have lead a meaningless life and die an old man without having really lived at all.
I just wish I could ignore all of this stuff in my head. I wish I could just go through life following the beaten path like everyone else without really questioning it. The statement that "ignorance is bliss" seems to be pretty true from my point of view right now. Maybe all of this stuff isn't really worth knowing if it cant bring me any contentment. Perhaps human contentment comes from blinding yourself from reality and the things that are too hard to contemplate. (insert religious reference here)
I just want to be happy and just find a path that I know is right for me. I'm so lost and I just need to desperately find myself. I just wish I knew the way forward to doing that. I can't go on like this forever. This is the worst I have ever felt in my entire life.
I don't think it makes a difference anymore if they can be read by people or not. No one is going to comment or care anyways... that actually really really depresses me, to the point where I may stop using this thing.
.... COMBINING ANOTHER ENTRY - it seems pointless to make a separate one so close to the last.
I don't know what to do anymore. I finally got the reality of the situation between Kaitlin and I explained pretty well. I either hadn't fully understood it previously, or I had fooled myself into believing otherwise. Either way I don't think I'll ever truly understand what happened. I'm thinking back and it was less than a month ago that she came to visit me and everything was great between us. It's so hard to contemplate how things became so bad so quickly, and escalated to this.
I haven't had a whole lot of time to adapt to all of this, and part of me is still have trouble dealing with the shock of reality. Just a month ago I wouldn't have been able to believe that right now I wouldn't have her with me. I did and still do really love and care for her dearly, but looking back I wish I would have been better to her than I was. Sometimes people get complacent and begin to take the best things in life for granted, and it's only after those things are gone that their full value comes back into focus.
I'm not saying I was the worst boyfriend in the world or that I didn't care... because that's not true at all. I really cared for her and tried to be a good boyfriend whenever I can. I just look back and wish I would have done some things better, I know I could have treated her better because she's a wonderful person who deserves the world.
So needless to say, I'm pretty crushed. I think the small bit of hope that we would maybe get back together kept me afloat and prevented me from feeling the full weight of the situation. I can't stop going back and thinking about all the times we had together, and it's killing me. I also still can't help but think that maybe if I had done some things differently that we might still be together. I think in the end I'll end up blaming myself for this happening rather than the true causes.
I just really hope that I wasn't a mistake, or a rebound that got way too entrenched in her life. I don't by any means believe that she would do anything intentionally to harm me... but I just feel like because of the way our relationship started that I was someone she wouldn't have otherwise dated and I became more important to her than I should have otherwise. I feel like maybe she feels she made a mistake leaving her last boyfriend, and I was just a phase between them getting back together. It would serve me right if that were the case, considering I was "that guy" who started dating the girl right after a break up.
That last thought is a really painful one because it adds to the whole notion I felt something that she just couldn't. She was right for me, but I just wasn't right for her I guess. She's a very special person who really deserves someone who is absolutely right for her, I just really hope she can find whatever that right thing is... she seems really unsure of what she wants and I pitty her for that.
I also pitty myself because I know what I want from a partner now and it's most of the qualities that Kaitlin has... and I can't make her feel the same way about me, no matter how hard I try. I think I'm going to be looking for a girl that stacks up against her from now on, and I'll never be satisfiend because no one will compare. No one will be quite the same.
It's because of how unique and refreshing she is that I can't see myself dating 99% of the women out there. All the girls I encounter are all generic and don't seem to be people I could find myself relating to like I did with Kaitlin. In a way I almost wish I'd never dated Kaitlin because I'd be easily satisfiend with less from a partner that way. I don't know if it's good or bad to be overly selective in this way, but it's how I am now. I can never go back to having a relationship like I had with Kelsey, after having one like I did with Kaitlin... it's just not possible when I know there's something like that out there.
To be clear, personality is what I'm most concerned about. Don't get me wrong, physical attractiveness plays a role in all this as well... but I've realized this past year that a persons personality is so much more important than physical appearance is. Some level of attraction is necessary, but it's my opinion that too many people are interested in the physical rather than the mental. It just upsets me because I'm not sure I'll be able to find another girl who has a great personality and is attractive like she was.
It really doesn't help me that I myself am ugly as fuck, and am a pretty shitty person. I really believe there's something about me that is just fucked up deep down... and I sometimes think that maybe it's better I avoid more relationships. I think this because I want to spare the other person from my bullshit and because I don't like to open myself up (I always think I will and do get hurt). I think there's something about me that makes it hard for me to hold up a stable relationship and for people to stay with me.
This all sounds really creepy and stalkerish, but it's not meant to be that way. This is just something I need to get out of my head, things I can't really say to anyone so I have to type in this journal. I just don't want to hurt anymore, and I don't want to worry anymore. I'm really just of being "sick of". I don't know if writing this is actually helping me or not, but at least it's a distraction from sitting here alone in my depressing world.
My life feels so out of order and fucked up and I have no idea what to do about it. I think I stated it before, but my relationship was just a way for me to ignore my problems. I'm not saying that I regret it or blaming the relationship, infact I'd like nothing more than to have it again... but it's not the point. My life isn't where it should be, and I'm not at all satisfiend with anything right now.
We're here to live in this world just once, and I'm in my prime years right now. Shouldn't I be doing something that satisfies me, that makes me happy? Even if I was doing something differently than I am now, I don't know if I'll ever be able to be truly content with anything. Then again, maybe I could be if I tried something different, I have no idea.
Is it just my place in life to suffer? Does my meaning in life come from my own unhappiness? It just seems like there isn't a point to going on if it's always going to be this way no matter what I do. Pretty soon I will have passed through the best years of my life, and having nothing fond to reflect upon; as well as nothing promising to look forward to. What is this world all about, and what is the point to living? These are really cliche questions, but important ones I've always kind of wondered... I just really need an answer more than ever. If I don't find an answer soon, either I'm not going to make it, or I will have lead a meaningless life and die an old man without having really lived at all.
I just wish I could ignore all of this stuff in my head. I wish I could just go through life following the beaten path like everyone else without really questioning it. The statement that "ignorance is bliss" seems to be pretty true from my point of view right now. Maybe all of this stuff isn't really worth knowing if it cant bring me any contentment. Perhaps human contentment comes from blinding yourself from reality and the things that are too hard to contemplate. (insert religious reference here)
I just want to be happy and just find a path that I know is right for me. I'm so lost and I just need to desperately find myself. I just wish I knew the way forward to doing that. I can't go on like this forever. This is the worst I have ever felt in my entire life.