(no subject)
In my mind, I have to be so many things. I can never hurt anyone. I have to be honest about everything. I have to be humble and can't let things be about me. I have to be kind and compassionate always. I have to be generous to the point where it could be sacrificial to my well being. I have to put the feelings of others' first and can't hurt anyone. I have to do all of these things. I have to be great at everything I do. I have to live by this code and when I don't, I torment myself. I often don't because I don't have the emotional energy. Or these things conflict and I do one but sacrifice one of the other ones. Why do i have to be these things? Especially when the effort to be these things becomes such a burden in my life that I spend most of my time in a perpetual state of discontent tormenting myself about never being these things I feel I have to be. In some ways, I feel like my life has less meaning because I don't allow myself to do and experience the things that bring so much joy and pleasure to other people. I think it all comes from a pure and positive place but that doesn't necessarily mean it is healthy. It doesn't mean it doesn't create an illusive ideal that I will never reach but will always be tormented by. I think it disconnects me from everyone and ultimately prevents me from being these things it pushes me to be. These are the things I have to learn to let go of from time to time.
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