Concepts for an Adult
At the young age of 28, I probably ponder growing old more than most of my peers. I like the Great Gatsby am prone to look towards the green light. I am filled with hope that I will be better tomorrow and the person I am presently is a temporary phase that will become a distant memory when I transform into some great person in some great near future. That romanticized future. Something awaits that brings everything together. Connects the dots. I spend a lot of time hoping, planning, and yearning for that time. The problem with getting older is that it presents a flaw with this paradigm. When you reach the final stage of your life, when death is the next step, this perspective provides very little hope. At this point there is the harsh realization that the best you is behind you and you can't run towards it.
I often envision myself as one of the enlightened ones who doesn't partake in the trivialities that so many others are enthralled with. I see myself as working towards a greater ends, that "they" cannot begin to comprehend. But there are moments when a more realistic thought comes to mind--would if I am no better than them and my life is being wasted in an illusion of what I expect to be? What does it mean to be this "great" person that I envision myself being? What does it mean to be better than all of those that I try so hard to be the exact opposite of? What is so appalling about who they are? Is it the reminder that they are things that I am not? Is it the reminder that they have done things and are doing things that I have not but would like to but can't bring myself to?
3 years ago Jeriko very astutely told me that ethics in my life and desire to be good and avoid all bad would be a problem for me. I resented him for it at the time and still part of me does. He was correct. Most moments in my life are viewed with a very cautionary lens in which I think about what is right versus wrong. If I am absolutely sure about what is right and can logically dissect and convince myself without a double, I will act confidently and aggressively. If I am unsure, I am hesitant and often fall into the trap of doing nothing and staying the course. The idea of "following your heart" doesn't make much sense to me. For me there is always an instinctual direction, but there is also a counter direction that places doubt in the initial instinct. That cautionary lens telling me, but maybe you are being weak. Maybe you are chasing instant gratification. A new situation will present similar problems after a period of time. They may be different flavors, but ultimately rooted in the same core issue. For example maybe I need to quit my job and find something different to do because I am frustrated with my co-workers, the leadership, and the work itself. Counter thought, this will always be the problem and how can you be sure the next job will be any better. Maybe it will be worse. The current job pays well, has a great brand factor, and allows you to work with all of these brilliant people. This job has a lot of sex appeal. What is so wrong about doing something unreasonable if the hope is to make your situation in life a bit better?
I often envision myself as one of the enlightened ones who doesn't partake in the trivialities that so many others are enthralled with. I see myself as working towards a greater ends, that "they" cannot begin to comprehend. But there are moments when a more realistic thought comes to mind--would if I am no better than them and my life is being wasted in an illusion of what I expect to be? What does it mean to be this "great" person that I envision myself being? What does it mean to be better than all of those that I try so hard to be the exact opposite of? What is so appalling about who they are? Is it the reminder that they are things that I am not? Is it the reminder that they have done things and are doing things that I have not but would like to but can't bring myself to?
3 years ago Jeriko very astutely told me that ethics in my life and desire to be good and avoid all bad would be a problem for me. I resented him for it at the time and still part of me does. He was correct. Most moments in my life are viewed with a very cautionary lens in which I think about what is right versus wrong. If I am absolutely sure about what is right and can logically dissect and convince myself without a double, I will act confidently and aggressively. If I am unsure, I am hesitant and often fall into the trap of doing nothing and staying the course. The idea of "following your heart" doesn't make much sense to me. For me there is always an instinctual direction, but there is also a counter direction that places doubt in the initial instinct. That cautionary lens telling me, but maybe you are being weak. Maybe you are chasing instant gratification. A new situation will present similar problems after a period of time. They may be different flavors, but ultimately rooted in the same core issue. For example maybe I need to quit my job and find something different to do because I am frustrated with my co-workers, the leadership, and the work itself. Counter thought, this will always be the problem and how can you be sure the next job will be any better. Maybe it will be worse. The current job pays well, has a great brand factor, and allows you to work with all of these brilliant people. This job has a lot of sex appeal. What is so wrong about doing something unreasonable if the hope is to make your situation in life a bit better?