The Third Coming of the Mask
I'm gonna write up a big long rant soon. Until then.
Five things that are definitely no longer manly.
December 10
The pussification of America is really starting to get to me. Case and point: Nick Lachey, Justin Timberlake, Enrique Iglesias, Kevin Federline (!?!?!), and Wilmer Valderrama have recently captured the hearts of some of the hottest women on the planet simply by continuing to outgay each other. Guys, I ask you: Since when is the word “men” an abbreviation for “menstruation?”
Sadly, this is something we should have seen coming. Just ask your local testosterone shareholder, if he hasn't already shot himself for not cashing in his portfolio back in the nineties. Ahhhh the good old days, when rocker Tommy Lee was Pam-ramming in what's still the only sex tape worth watching, Michael Jordan was in the middle of a six championship, seven mistress run, and most of the bombs our President was dropping landed on his intern's dress.
Here are five examples of things that used to be manly, but have lamed out as America's testicular fortitude has taken a complete nosedive.
1. Hunting. There once was a time when all a guy had to do was kill, carry, and grill enough dead animal carcasses to keep his family alive. During the stone age, it earned him the right to sexual satisfaction on command and a voice of authority in the household. And if he couldn’t feed his family… tough shit! He'd slowly emaciate to the sound of his wife fucking the neighbor in exchange for leftover ribs. Is there a better
test of a guy's manhood than having to kill to keep his wife from fucking the neighbor? The answer is no.
Today, hunting is a joke. Think about the advancements in hydration, transportation, and weapons that have transpired over the years. We've gone from consuming our own piss to drinking from streams to swigging cantenes to carrying Brita filters and bottles of Evian. We've gone from walking by foot to riding horses to striking the arrow keys in The Oregon Trail computer game to plowing through redwoods in a lifted H2. And we've gone from using our cuticles to tear the flesh off Saber Toothed Tigers to throwing rocks at Woolly Mammoths to shooting arrows at giant buffalo to blasting shotguns at Bambi to strapping TNT to baby quails.
Hunting will never be the same, not as long as we continue to welcome these kinds of technological advancements. Not when satellite-controlled automatic assault rifles with 600000X zoom allow Johnny Pencilpusher to pick off an elk by striking the F7 key on his laptop inside his 75 degree Eddie Bauer Edition Jeep Cherokee eight miles away. Technology has obliterated any semblance of scrotum in the hunting field, to the point where today’s gun rack is nothing but a Samsonite briefcase.
2. Celebs sticking it to the man. How did Bob Dylan and John Lennon kick so much establishment ass in their respective primes with nothing but a pen and an open microphone, all the while gaining both critical acclaim and legions of worshipping fans? I don’t know, maybe it had something to do with not acting bigger than the cause, not thinking their opinions mattered more than those of less famous people, not speaking out just to further their careers or get their face on TV, and being intelligent, informed geniuses who were not full of complete bullshit. That's how real men express themselves, and that's why their names command so much respect. But then again, I’m the wrong person to answer that question. You should ask Zack De La Rocha, he was the last one to figure it out.
Or you could ask P. Diddy, Sean Penn, Ben Affleck, and all their friends. Just make sure that at the time, you’re not standing near The Door to Complete Fucking Mental Retardation And Diminished Sense of Reality Thanks to an Ego-Driven, Horribly Skewed Perspective of Self-Importance. They’re on the verge of knocking that sucker down, and I’d hate to see you get hurt.
3. Long Hair. Obviously, it used to be that short hair was for boys and long hair was for girls. Then rock & roll came along, and soon long hair became the universal sign that you just didn’t give a fuck. Which kicked ass. But then someone decided it would be a good idea to let Scott Stapp make music. And then 40 million people -- who would now rather shoot themselves in the temple than admit it -- proceeded to buy Creed albums. And soon, Stapp's filthy little cockhandling mits were leaving indelible limp-wristed bitch-slap marks on both hard rock and long hair.
Now having lengthy locks just means you have an insatiable urge to “style” and “condition” and “swallow semen.” It’s a known fact in The Man World that guys aren’t supposed to care what a single strand of hair below their ears looks like. Except maybe pubes, but those only require maintenance twice a month at the most. That's why long, mangled, uncombed, lice-infested hair is still awesome, but the same long hair -- given "body" and "shine" -- sits alone in the cafeteria and takes its mom to prom.
So here’s the new rule: If on a given night, the amount of gel you put in your hair outweighs the amount of semen you plan on putting in a woman’s vagina… that makes you a queer. Plain and simple. That’s the new gauge for homosexuality. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being gay. I’m simply giving you a way to figure out whether you need to double click on your Quicken icon and make room in your monthly budget for anal lube and penis-flavored chewing gum.
4. Face-melting guitar solos. Thanks a lot, you emo fucks, for turning rock shows into your own personal psychiatric sessions.
Newsflash: You're supposed to rock the venue hard, orchestrating such a kickass stage presence that you systematically obliterate any thoughts the crowd may have of looking anywhere but at your kickass showmanship. You're supposed to gain such control over the arena that every chick in attendance wants to fuck you just to feel five inches of your power inside them. The idea was never to make them feel sorry for you by strumming the same four notes while crying into the microphone. You're not a rock star if your groupies are giving you courtesy head just because they want to be the one that prevented you from slashing your wrists after the show. Thanks for ruining rock.
5.Anal sex. There was once an age when butthole insertion was a relationship milestone. If, after much poking and prodding, a girl cleared the anal runway, she was instantly deemed a keeper. I repeat: instantly. But this is the age of metrosexuality, which can all too often lead to questions regarding the sexual preference of even the straightest guy in town. These days, urging a girl to allow crack access is less of a kinky act of passion and more of an incorrect final answer in the "Who Wants to be a Homosexual?" home game. You might as well ask if you can give her balls a tongue massage and borrow her mom's recipe for Walnut Vinaigrette.
Seriously guys, the hole has been dug deep enough thanks to your absurd urges to pop the collar on your pink Lacoste shirts. Don’t add fuel to the fire. When given the opportunity to stick your penis in one of two orifices positioned only two inches apart, choose the heavily lubricated holy grail of straight male sexual satisfaction over the place that ejects smelly brown micro-corpses of dead bacteria from the intestinal garden of microorganisms that assist us in the digestion of our food. Please? For me?
If I could, I’d come up with a preventative measure to help you guys out. Here’s an idea off the top of my head, although a somewhat sick one: maybe we should pass a law that says every boy and girl should have something at least partially inserted in their butt as a child. That should kill any urges later in life. Anal sex is like broccoli - if you're forced to have it as a child, you'll really hate it as an adult. Just an idea.
Five things that are definitely no longer manly.
December 10
The pussification of America is really starting to get to me. Case and point: Nick Lachey, Justin Timberlake, Enrique Iglesias, Kevin Federline (!?!?!), and Wilmer Valderrama have recently captured the hearts of some of the hottest women on the planet simply by continuing to outgay each other. Guys, I ask you: Since when is the word “men” an abbreviation for “menstruation?”
Sadly, this is something we should have seen coming. Just ask your local testosterone shareholder, if he hasn't already shot himself for not cashing in his portfolio back in the nineties. Ahhhh the good old days, when rocker Tommy Lee was Pam-ramming in what's still the only sex tape worth watching, Michael Jordan was in the middle of a six championship, seven mistress run, and most of the bombs our President was dropping landed on his intern's dress.
Here are five examples of things that used to be manly, but have lamed out as America's testicular fortitude has taken a complete nosedive.
1. Hunting. There once was a time when all a guy had to do was kill, carry, and grill enough dead animal carcasses to keep his family alive. During the stone age, it earned him the right to sexual satisfaction on command and a voice of authority in the household. And if he couldn’t feed his family… tough shit! He'd slowly emaciate to the sound of his wife fucking the neighbor in exchange for leftover ribs. Is there a better
test of a guy's manhood than having to kill to keep his wife from fucking the neighbor? The answer is no.
Today, hunting is a joke. Think about the advancements in hydration, transportation, and weapons that have transpired over the years. We've gone from consuming our own piss to drinking from streams to swigging cantenes to carrying Brita filters and bottles of Evian. We've gone from walking by foot to riding horses to striking the arrow keys in The Oregon Trail computer game to plowing through redwoods in a lifted H2. And we've gone from using our cuticles to tear the flesh off Saber Toothed Tigers to throwing rocks at Woolly Mammoths to shooting arrows at giant buffalo to blasting shotguns at Bambi to strapping TNT to baby quails.
Hunting will never be the same, not as long as we continue to welcome these kinds of technological advancements. Not when satellite-controlled automatic assault rifles with 600000X zoom allow Johnny Pencilpusher to pick off an elk by striking the F7 key on his laptop inside his 75 degree Eddie Bauer Edition Jeep Cherokee eight miles away. Technology has obliterated any semblance of scrotum in the hunting field, to the point where today’s gun rack is nothing but a Samsonite briefcase.
2. Celebs sticking it to the man. How did Bob Dylan and John Lennon kick so much establishment ass in their respective primes with nothing but a pen and an open microphone, all the while gaining both critical acclaim and legions of worshipping fans? I don’t know, maybe it had something to do with not acting bigger than the cause, not thinking their opinions mattered more than those of less famous people, not speaking out just to further their careers or get their face on TV, and being intelligent, informed geniuses who were not full of complete bullshit. That's how real men express themselves, and that's why their names command so much respect. But then again, I’m the wrong person to answer that question. You should ask Zack De La Rocha, he was the last one to figure it out.
Or you could ask P. Diddy, Sean Penn, Ben Affleck, and all their friends. Just make sure that at the time, you’re not standing near The Door to Complete Fucking Mental Retardation And Diminished Sense of Reality Thanks to an Ego-Driven, Horribly Skewed Perspective of Self-Importance. They’re on the verge of knocking that sucker down, and I’d hate to see you get hurt.
3. Long Hair. Obviously, it used to be that short hair was for boys and long hair was for girls. Then rock & roll came along, and soon long hair became the universal sign that you just didn’t give a fuck. Which kicked ass. But then someone decided it would be a good idea to let Scott Stapp make music. And then 40 million people -- who would now rather shoot themselves in the temple than admit it -- proceeded to buy Creed albums. And soon, Stapp's filthy little cockhandling mits were leaving indelible limp-wristed bitch-slap marks on both hard rock and long hair.
Now having lengthy locks just means you have an insatiable urge to “style” and “condition” and “swallow semen.” It’s a known fact in The Man World that guys aren’t supposed to care what a single strand of hair below their ears looks like. Except maybe pubes, but those only require maintenance twice a month at the most. That's why long, mangled, uncombed, lice-infested hair is still awesome, but the same long hair -- given "body" and "shine" -- sits alone in the cafeteria and takes its mom to prom.
So here’s the new rule: If on a given night, the amount of gel you put in your hair outweighs the amount of semen you plan on putting in a woman’s vagina… that makes you a queer. Plain and simple. That’s the new gauge for homosexuality. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being gay. I’m simply giving you a way to figure out whether you need to double click on your Quicken icon and make room in your monthly budget for anal lube and penis-flavored chewing gum.
4. Face-melting guitar solos. Thanks a lot, you emo fucks, for turning rock shows into your own personal psychiatric sessions.
Newsflash: You're supposed to rock the venue hard, orchestrating such a kickass stage presence that you systematically obliterate any thoughts the crowd may have of looking anywhere but at your kickass showmanship. You're supposed to gain such control over the arena that every chick in attendance wants to fuck you just to feel five inches of your power inside them. The idea was never to make them feel sorry for you by strumming the same four notes while crying into the microphone. You're not a rock star if your groupies are giving you courtesy head just because they want to be the one that prevented you from slashing your wrists after the show. Thanks for ruining rock.
5.Anal sex. There was once an age when butthole insertion was a relationship milestone. If, after much poking and prodding, a girl cleared the anal runway, she was instantly deemed a keeper. I repeat: instantly. But this is the age of metrosexuality, which can all too often lead to questions regarding the sexual preference of even the straightest guy in town. These days, urging a girl to allow crack access is less of a kinky act of passion and more of an incorrect final answer in the "Who Wants to be a Homosexual?" home game. You might as well ask if you can give her balls a tongue massage and borrow her mom's recipe for Walnut Vinaigrette.
Seriously guys, the hole has been dug deep enough thanks to your absurd urges to pop the collar on your pink Lacoste shirts. Don’t add fuel to the fire. When given the opportunity to stick your penis in one of two orifices positioned only two inches apart, choose the heavily lubricated holy grail of straight male sexual satisfaction over the place that ejects smelly brown micro-corpses of dead bacteria from the intestinal garden of microorganisms that assist us in the digestion of our food. Please? For me?
If I could, I’d come up with a preventative measure to help you guys out. Here’s an idea off the top of my head, although a somewhat sick one: maybe we should pass a law that says every boy and girl should have something at least partially inserted in their butt as a child. That should kill any urges later in life. Anal sex is like broccoli - if you're forced to have it as a child, you'll really hate it as an adult. Just an idea.