The Second Coming of the Mask
I didn't write this, it's an article by the mask.
Kids these days. I just got done reading a ginormous New York Times article about a new “teenage culture of restraint.” Nearly 85 paragraphs dedicated to kids who are saying “no” to sex and “yes” to abstinence. Nearly 85 paragraphs dedicated to wearing clothes. Nearly 85 paragraphs dedicated to kids making the biggest mistake of their lives.
You only live once, kiddos. And while it’s true that at every age there are plenty of fish in the sea… the saltwater is only fresh once. Know what I’m saying?
It’s not a bad thing to wait until marriage. If that’s what you want to do, go for it. But don’t half-ass it. Don’t hold out, only to lose your v-card during your first weekend at college. People who do that always end up saying “Well, I’ve got nothing to lose now, so I might as well…” and before they can even finish the sentence they’ve been nailed more times than anyone in that recent Mel Gibson film.
Now, I'm not promoting random partners here. But I think it's best for everyone to learn their sexual lessons at an early age. So, do one of the following during your teenage years: Fall in love, pretend you’ve fallen in love, or hope you’ve fallen in love. Then take the next step, which is sex. And see what happens.
If you’re a girl, you’ll most likely regret it. (If you’re a guy, you’ll only regret it if your friends make fun of the girl’s appearance/reputation/penis.) And you’ll cry. And your youth is the only time people will be there to support you. If you’re 25, and someone catches you crying because you “gave yourself to someone,” they’ll most likely laugh in your face and rape you. That’s just the way it is. Take advantage of the teenage support loophole. It’s there for a reason. Have sex a lot.
The great thing about regretting something is you learn your lesson from it. The great thing about being a guy and pretending to regret something is people expect you to make the same mistake three or four more times before you even come close to learning your lesson. So when you screw things up that are fun (i.e. sex), you can still reap the rewards a few more times and call it “part of the learning process.” Take advantage of the learning process loophole. It’s there for a reason. Have sex a lot.
All I’m saying is 99% of high school relationships don’t last. So if you’re in one, and you want to get as much out of it as you can before it inevitably ends, have sex until it hurts. Hindsight is 20/20, so listen to someone who knows.
Pop Quiz: I wasn’t single at all during high school. Which part of having a high school girlfriend do I miss the most? (There's only one correct answer.)
A) Her bitching.
B) Fighting.
C) Buying expensive gifts.
D) Not remembering anniversaries or birthdays.
E) Jacking off using acne cream in her bathroom because I know she’s about to use sex as a tool to manipulate me.
F) Holding hands and not looking at other girls in public.
G) Having the life slowly sucked out of me.
H) Apologizing when I didn’t do anything wrong.
I) THE CONSISTENT SEX.
J) Pretending her friends don’t bother me.
K) Pretending I don’t want to have sex with her friends.
L) Getting in trouble when I tell my friends about our sex life.
M) Getting in trouble when I don’t tell my friends about our sex life (“You must think I’m ugly!!”)
N) Getting criticized for watching SportsCenter more than three times in a day.
O) Having to leave the house to do stuff.
P) Wearing clothes that I hate.
Q) Not being allowed to be myself during “that time of the month.”
R) Not being allowed to be myself ever.
S) Seeing “Baby Shower Monthly” in her backpack and a smile on her face when her period is five days late.
T) Explaining things very slowly.
U) Neglecting my friends.
V) Lying a lot.
W) Being lied to a lot.
X) Not drinking alcohol unless she's supervising me.
Y) Knowing how to use a telephone.
Z) Not having fun. Ever.
Your high school relationship isn't going anywhere. Use it to learn about sex.
Kids these days. I just got done reading a ginormous New York Times article about a new “teenage culture of restraint.” Nearly 85 paragraphs dedicated to kids who are saying “no” to sex and “yes” to abstinence. Nearly 85 paragraphs dedicated to wearing clothes. Nearly 85 paragraphs dedicated to kids making the biggest mistake of their lives.
You only live once, kiddos. And while it’s true that at every age there are plenty of fish in the sea… the saltwater is only fresh once. Know what I’m saying?
It’s not a bad thing to wait until marriage. If that’s what you want to do, go for it. But don’t half-ass it. Don’t hold out, only to lose your v-card during your first weekend at college. People who do that always end up saying “Well, I’ve got nothing to lose now, so I might as well…” and before they can even finish the sentence they’ve been nailed more times than anyone in that recent Mel Gibson film.
Now, I'm not promoting random partners here. But I think it's best for everyone to learn their sexual lessons at an early age. So, do one of the following during your teenage years: Fall in love, pretend you’ve fallen in love, or hope you’ve fallen in love. Then take the next step, which is sex. And see what happens.
If you’re a girl, you’ll most likely regret it. (If you’re a guy, you’ll only regret it if your friends make fun of the girl’s appearance/reputation/penis.) And you’ll cry. And your youth is the only time people will be there to support you. If you’re 25, and someone catches you crying because you “gave yourself to someone,” they’ll most likely laugh in your face and rape you. That’s just the way it is. Take advantage of the teenage support loophole. It’s there for a reason. Have sex a lot.
The great thing about regretting something is you learn your lesson from it. The great thing about being a guy and pretending to regret something is people expect you to make the same mistake three or four more times before you even come close to learning your lesson. So when you screw things up that are fun (i.e. sex), you can still reap the rewards a few more times and call it “part of the learning process.” Take advantage of the learning process loophole. It’s there for a reason. Have sex a lot.
All I’m saying is 99% of high school relationships don’t last. So if you’re in one, and you want to get as much out of it as you can before it inevitably ends, have sex until it hurts. Hindsight is 20/20, so listen to someone who knows.
Pop Quiz: I wasn’t single at all during high school. Which part of having a high school girlfriend do I miss the most? (There's only one correct answer.)
A) Her bitching.
B) Fighting.
C) Buying expensive gifts.
D) Not remembering anniversaries or birthdays.
E) Jacking off using acne cream in her bathroom because I know she’s about to use sex as a tool to manipulate me.
F) Holding hands and not looking at other girls in public.
G) Having the life slowly sucked out of me.
H) Apologizing when I didn’t do anything wrong.
I) THE CONSISTENT SEX.
J) Pretending her friends don’t bother me.
K) Pretending I don’t want to have sex with her friends.
L) Getting in trouble when I tell my friends about our sex life.
M) Getting in trouble when I don’t tell my friends about our sex life (“You must think I’m ugly!!”)
N) Getting criticized for watching SportsCenter more than three times in a day.
O) Having to leave the house to do stuff.
P) Wearing clothes that I hate.
Q) Not being allowed to be myself during “that time of the month.”
R) Not being allowed to be myself ever.
S) Seeing “Baby Shower Monthly” in her backpack and a smile on her face when her period is five days late.
T) Explaining things very slowly.
U) Neglecting my friends.
V) Lying a lot.
W) Being lied to a lot.
X) Not drinking alcohol unless she's supervising me.
Y) Knowing how to use a telephone.
Z) Not having fun. Ever.
Your high school relationship isn't going anywhere. Use it to learn about sex.