Pfft.
After working 13 days straight, I'm finally getting 1 day off, which more than likely I'll get called in but still...I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. All I want to do anymore is work...yet I'm so tired; so fatigued. But there is nothing else to do, everyone that wants to spend time with me I just don't really feel like spending time with them, and everyone that I want to spend time with either doesn't want to spend time with me, can't spend time with me, can't/won't spend time with me the way that I want them to, or a combination. Either way, I feel nothing but unwanted anywhere other than work...and of course, the only thing they want me for is to work...which does me no good whatsoever when it comes to actually getting out and making the attempt to reclaim myself.
I'm still stuck on these delusions of me actually having a life worth working on. Bobby moved down to Lexington and found new opportunities down there, and for some reason even found opportunities for me which are very tempting. It almost seems too easy for me to just want to pack up my shit in the middle of the night and leave without anyone knowing about it and starting over, but with my credit being as bad as it is and with most of my things in my dads name, I'll be found anyway. I'm still tempted to move back to Salem like I had wanted to last year, but until I can get my life estabolished, that is just another lost cause. How many years is it going to take to get myself on my feet and away from this waste of a life I'm leading? I want something worth taking with me, but there is nothing around that doesn't require me to 'raise'. No one is 'good enough', no one is 'mature enough'. Nothing pleases me, it just gives me one more thing to bitch at. I truly am becoming just like my father.
I'm letting Brandi take me to go get some new clothes on Tuesday...I still have no idea why. She's been calling every day for almost a week and trying to give me all of this time; and I don't even know what to think of all of that. It's just not normal. You don't try to get serious with someone and then get dumped and immediately be friends with them, sorry. Why I'm even letting this happen I don't know, but I can't stop it. I don't want to stop it. Even now she is all I have for the most part. I kept her thinking that she wasn't worth my time, and she comes running back wanting to be friends...I'm still dumbfounded of what to think. Point simple, you can't expect any kind of emotion to be taken away in any short period of time. I still don't even know what that emotion I held for her even was. All I know is that I've kept my heart locked away for years and I almost had my guard down. I'm too tired to think straight...I'll update this tomorrow...
I'm still stuck on these delusions of me actually having a life worth working on. Bobby moved down to Lexington and found new opportunities down there, and for some reason even found opportunities for me which are very tempting. It almost seems too easy for me to just want to pack up my shit in the middle of the night and leave without anyone knowing about it and starting over, but with my credit being as bad as it is and with most of my things in my dads name, I'll be found anyway. I'm still tempted to move back to Salem like I had wanted to last year, but until I can get my life estabolished, that is just another lost cause. How many years is it going to take to get myself on my feet and away from this waste of a life I'm leading? I want something worth taking with me, but there is nothing around that doesn't require me to 'raise'. No one is 'good enough', no one is 'mature enough'. Nothing pleases me, it just gives me one more thing to bitch at. I truly am becoming just like my father.
I'm letting Brandi take me to go get some new clothes on Tuesday...I still have no idea why. She's been calling every day for almost a week and trying to give me all of this time; and I don't even know what to think of all of that. It's just not normal. You don't try to get serious with someone and then get dumped and immediately be friends with them, sorry. Why I'm even letting this happen I don't know, but I can't stop it. I don't want to stop it. Even now she is all I have for the most part. I kept her thinking that she wasn't worth my time, and she comes running back wanting to be friends...I'm still dumbfounded of what to think. Point simple, you can't expect any kind of emotion to be taken away in any short period of time. I still don't even know what that emotion I held for her even was. All I know is that I've kept my heart locked away for years and I almost had my guard down. I'm too tired to think straight...I'll update this tomorrow...