Starting Over....
It finally happened. I reached my breaking point, passed it, and hafta start over. I need to start over(if I could move out, then that would be lovely, but oh well).
How does one come back from being pushed off the edge?
First I had to figure out what I wanted and how I wanted to get it. IN life, in my relationships, in general. B had asked me 2 weeks ago what I wanted, and I had no answer, now I do tho.
With my family: I want to be respected first, as a person, and then as a parent. I wish it was possible to start over with my mom, but thats aiight, cuz I really do think that once we get out of each others' hair, we'll get better. We're just too much alike to get along especially cuz we're both stubborn as hell!!! but for now, I'll just like to not hafta have my feelings hurt every dayum day.
In general: I really want to be taken seriously. So that means I need to be a woman of my word. If i say something I'ma do something, I need to be woman enough to stand behind it, and not faulter because of what others may think I need to do at the time. Basically, I need to stop being so damn passive.
I want to be able to provide for my kids; emotionally, materially(is that a word?!?!), emotionally, and spiritually. So I need to stop being so damn lazy and really look for a job. I guess thats all it boils down too...me being lazy as hell....but i blame that on a lack of motivation, especially from my inner self....so I've taken care of that. Emotionally, I need to work on learning how to express myself better than what I have been. If I cant get my point across, then I just give up. Cant keep doin that cuz I'll never get anything done giving up. Spiritually, I just need to stop playing and go back to God. Honestly tho, I've forgotten how to talk to him...and I kno, I kno, I keep telling others to just talk to him, and I cant say that he's stopped listening, cuz my pastor told me that he was still with me, just not in me....So whats really holding me back?hmmm...still need to figure that one out...Materially, I kno that I wanna finish school, but for what? i dunno anymore...I kno I wanna work with cameras/sound boards...so thats basically production based....but then I think(key word) I wanna teach too....and I wanna be a translator(spanish)....so uhmmmm......yeah, still working on that one too!!!
In my relationship: I want to be loved, most of all. For my mind, my soul, my emotions, for just being me. I dont wanna be loved for what I hafta offer in the bedroom. I want him to fall in love with every part of me. I want to wait till we get married to have sex(again!!! lol!) because I want there to be a true emotional, spiritual and physical connection. I want to KNO that I'm loved for more than that.
I want to be able to tell people that I'm in love and they accept and believe it, not have soemthing negative to say about it. Does that make it any less real to us? No, But i hate having to explain myself all the time, not still be brushed off.
I want to be able to tell him exactly how I feel when I feel it, and not be afraid of him leaving me because of it. I want to be able to share every aspect of my life, and kno that he is intersted. I want to be able to love openly and freely, and not have to worry about anything else.
and since I cant seem to get any peace around here...once again, TBC...
How does one come back from being pushed off the edge?
First I had to figure out what I wanted and how I wanted to get it. IN life, in my relationships, in general. B had asked me 2 weeks ago what I wanted, and I had no answer, now I do tho.
With my family: I want to be respected first, as a person, and then as a parent. I wish it was possible to start over with my mom, but thats aiight, cuz I really do think that once we get out of each others' hair, we'll get better. We're just too much alike to get along especially cuz we're both stubborn as hell!!! but for now, I'll just like to not hafta have my feelings hurt every dayum day.
In general: I really want to be taken seriously. So that means I need to be a woman of my word. If i say something I'ma do something, I need to be woman enough to stand behind it, and not faulter because of what others may think I need to do at the time. Basically, I need to stop being so damn passive.
I want to be able to provide for my kids; emotionally, materially(is that a word?!?!), emotionally, and spiritually. So I need to stop being so damn lazy and really look for a job. I guess thats all it boils down too...me being lazy as hell....but i blame that on a lack of motivation, especially from my inner self....so I've taken care of that. Emotionally, I need to work on learning how to express myself better than what I have been. If I cant get my point across, then I just give up. Cant keep doin that cuz I'll never get anything done giving up. Spiritually, I just need to stop playing and go back to God. Honestly tho, I've forgotten how to talk to him...and I kno, I kno, I keep telling others to just talk to him, and I cant say that he's stopped listening, cuz my pastor told me that he was still with me, just not in me....So whats really holding me back?hmmm...still need to figure that one out...Materially, I kno that I wanna finish school, but for what? i dunno anymore...I kno I wanna work with cameras/sound boards...so thats basically production based....but then I think(key word) I wanna teach too....and I wanna be a translator(spanish)....so uhmmmm......yeah, still working on that one too!!!
In my relationship: I want to be loved, most of all. For my mind, my soul, my emotions, for just being me. I dont wanna be loved for what I hafta offer in the bedroom. I want him to fall in love with every part of me. I want to wait till we get married to have sex(again!!! lol!) because I want there to be a true emotional, spiritual and physical connection. I want to KNO that I'm loved for more than that.
I want to be able to tell people that I'm in love and they accept and believe it, not have soemthing negative to say about it. Does that make it any less real to us? No, But i hate having to explain myself all the time, not still be brushed off.
I want to be able to tell him exactly how I feel when I feel it, and not be afraid of him leaving me because of it. I want to be able to share every aspect of my life, and kno that he is intersted. I want to be able to love openly and freely, and not have to worry about anything else.
and since I cant seem to get any peace around here...once again, TBC...