(no subject)
IF YOU'VE NEVER READ ANYTHING I EVER WROTE, THIS IS NOT A GOOD TIME TO START. HONESTLY,AND IF YOU'VE NEVER GIVEN ME ADVICE BEFORE, PLEASE DONT START NOW, CUZ I WILL NOT HESITATE TO LET YOU HAVE A PIECE OF MY DAMN MIND!!!
Yeah, I kno, the past few weeks, my status on the Book has been.....yeah, for lack of a better word...disturbing, at least to those who keep up with me! lol!!! so here's why...
This past week, my life has been....interesting to say the least....I've had to do a lot of thinking about where my life is at this present point, and what I wanna do with myself in the future. The future part is still in thoughts right now, so dont be looking for that answer anytime soon.
This past week started off..bad. Me and George had a serious communication breakdown(Backpost comming soon, I promise!!!) and worked through it, and from there, it looked like nothing got any better.
First off, me and my mom have never had the best relationship. In my eyes, I can never do right. No matter how hard I try, nothing is ever good enough. If I take a test and get 1 answer wrong, I dont get praise about making an A, I get grief about missing an answer. If I clean up my room(well, when I actually cleaned it up) and left stuff on my bed, I had to hear lip about the shit on the bed...even after I got it off.
Every mistake,failure,shortcoming,ect. is always a big deal. I get a 5 hour lecture about having the wrong friends, or not being "domestic" enough, or talking too loud, hell, anything under the sun.
Over the years, I've just grown to accept the fact that my mother likes to fuss...she claimes she dont fuss, but I fail to see it. From the tone of her voice, to the look on her face and other body language, its fussing. And the thing is, she dont talk to everyone the same way she talks to me. Yeah, granted, I'm her daughter, and dont get me wrong, we do get to laugh and joke around sometimes, but the majority of the time, I'm getting the anger/other feelings she has towards everyone else.
I've gotten so used to this way of life. We dont do anything together anymore. If its dinner time, I'll eat in my room, and she may do the same, or eat at the kitchen table w/Jai. The only time we're in the same room is when something intersting is on TV or the kids are in her room playing, and even then, I try to keep our conversations to a minimum. We only talk about the kids, my friends(that she actually likes) and stuff on TV.
Dont get me wrong, I'm nowhere near the perfect child. I've done a lotta bad stuff in the past 20 years, but hell, how long do I have to be punished for it?
Now, considerin all the other bad shit I've done, why am I getting punished so bad for not cleaning up like she wants me to? Yes, thats pretty much all this is over...oh, and the fact that I'm having sex wit Jorge(well,was...we're gonna wait till we get married from now on!)...
It seems that everyday, the story gets changed...One day, she's telling my BFF Nona that I'm lazy and I dont treat her with respect. THe next, its "yeah, she's lazy, but she dont talk to me, she talks at me", then it changes again.....quite frankly, I'm confused as hell(if you cant tell by my rambling..lol)
I want to be able to have a decent conversation with her about me and her, but I have honestly lost all faith that it will happen anytime soon...to be honest, I kno that she loves me and stuff, but I dont think she really likes me, which is cool, cuz a lotta people dont like me, so thats just another name to add to the list, but if thats the case, then just let me kno...I'm a big girl now, I can take it, yeah, my feelings still get hurt easily, but hell, I'll live.
Which brings me to my next point.....I'm so tired of gettin my feelings hurt behind this nonsence...its not even about "take my side, cuz I'm right", quite frankly, I dont give a shit who's right/wrong in this case(which goes to show you right there, cuz I absolutly ABHOR being wrong,EVER!) I just want to be treated like a person with feelings, for a change. I hate always being the one to take the brunt of her anger, I hate never meeting her standards, cuz at the end of the day, she's still my mom, and no matter how much we fight, she's all I've known for the past 20 years, I hate the fact that none of my desicions ever make her happy. For once in my life, I'd like to hear, "good job" or "I'm proud of you"...
I've kinda accepted the fact that I may never get to hear that, and yeah, it breaks my heart. Hell, I'm even lucky to get an "I love you" from her(the last time she's actually said it to me was after I had JJ and was still in the hospital...he's 4 months old now).
Right now, I feel like a burden. Like a wide load that she just wants to drop. And while I kno that being out on my own is not gonna be easy, I'd rather struggle on my own than to hafta be a burden to anyone.
I would explain why i feel this way, but this is long enough as it is...but just incase ur that nosy, drop me a line, and I'll divulge that info too!!! lol
Yeah, I kno, the past few weeks, my status on the Book has been.....yeah, for lack of a better word...disturbing, at least to those who keep up with me! lol!!! so here's why...
This past week, my life has been....interesting to say the least....I've had to do a lot of thinking about where my life is at this present point, and what I wanna do with myself in the future. The future part is still in thoughts right now, so dont be looking for that answer anytime soon.
This past week started off..bad. Me and George had a serious communication breakdown(Backpost comming soon, I promise!!!) and worked through it, and from there, it looked like nothing got any better.
First off, me and my mom have never had the best relationship. In my eyes, I can never do right. No matter how hard I try, nothing is ever good enough. If I take a test and get 1 answer wrong, I dont get praise about making an A, I get grief about missing an answer. If I clean up my room(well, when I actually cleaned it up) and left stuff on my bed, I had to hear lip about the shit on the bed...even after I got it off.
Every mistake,failure,shortcoming,ect. is always a big deal. I get a 5 hour lecture about having the wrong friends, or not being "domestic" enough, or talking too loud, hell, anything under the sun.
Over the years, I've just grown to accept the fact that my mother likes to fuss...she claimes she dont fuss, but I fail to see it. From the tone of her voice, to the look on her face and other body language, its fussing. And the thing is, she dont talk to everyone the same way she talks to me. Yeah, granted, I'm her daughter, and dont get me wrong, we do get to laugh and joke around sometimes, but the majority of the time, I'm getting the anger/other feelings she has towards everyone else.
I've gotten so used to this way of life. We dont do anything together anymore. If its dinner time, I'll eat in my room, and she may do the same, or eat at the kitchen table w/Jai. The only time we're in the same room is when something intersting is on TV or the kids are in her room playing, and even then, I try to keep our conversations to a minimum. We only talk about the kids, my friends(that she actually likes) and stuff on TV.
Dont get me wrong, I'm nowhere near the perfect child. I've done a lotta bad stuff in the past 20 years, but hell, how long do I have to be punished for it?
Now, considerin all the other bad shit I've done, why am I getting punished so bad for not cleaning up like she wants me to? Yes, thats pretty much all this is over...oh, and the fact that I'm having sex wit Jorge(well,was...we're gonna wait till we get married from now on!)...
It seems that everyday, the story gets changed...One day, she's telling my BFF Nona that I'm lazy and I dont treat her with respect. THe next, its "yeah, she's lazy, but she dont talk to me, she talks at me", then it changes again.....quite frankly, I'm confused as hell(if you cant tell by my rambling..lol)
I want to be able to have a decent conversation with her about me and her, but I have honestly lost all faith that it will happen anytime soon...to be honest, I kno that she loves me and stuff, but I dont think she really likes me, which is cool, cuz a lotta people dont like me, so thats just another name to add to the list, but if thats the case, then just let me kno...I'm a big girl now, I can take it, yeah, my feelings still get hurt easily, but hell, I'll live.
Which brings me to my next point.....I'm so tired of gettin my feelings hurt behind this nonsence...its not even about "take my side, cuz I'm right", quite frankly, I dont give a shit who's right/wrong in this case(which goes to show you right there, cuz I absolutly ABHOR being wrong,EVER!) I just want to be treated like a person with feelings, for a change. I hate always being the one to take the brunt of her anger, I hate never meeting her standards, cuz at the end of the day, she's still my mom, and no matter how much we fight, she's all I've known for the past 20 years, I hate the fact that none of my desicions ever make her happy. For once in my life, I'd like to hear, "good job" or "I'm proud of you"...
I've kinda accepted the fact that I may never get to hear that, and yeah, it breaks my heart. Hell, I'm even lucky to get an "I love you" from her(the last time she's actually said it to me was after I had JJ and was still in the hospital...he's 4 months old now).
Right now, I feel like a burden. Like a wide load that she just wants to drop. And while I kno that being out on my own is not gonna be easy, I'd rather struggle on my own than to hafta be a burden to anyone.
I would explain why i feel this way, but this is long enough as it is...but just incase ur that nosy, drop me a line, and I'll divulge that info too!!! lol