time involves a 45 and i rag

[jchp03]

i guess the past few days have been confusing. I've gotten used to it. My brain no long understand the normal. it doesn't understand what people say anymore. there are strains and tears in every inch of my heart and right now i'm just happy. my life fell apart and rebuilt everything in less than 24 hours...saturday i slept until 2...shouldn't have woken up at all. Then i ended up arguing with lindsey...all day. really it was all day and night saturday and all day and night sunday. sunday was horrible. things were said that shouldn't have been. actually nothing i said, based on events occuring at the moment, i would take back. i meant it all. the things she said made me want to never talk to her again. but then i guess i know what it feels like to be so mad you don't know what else to do. i know what it feels like to regret saying something before you even say it. it's just something inside of you snaps. and thats it. You may have ruined everything you've worked so hard for. and if not thank your lucky start. I love her. i always will. i will never be put in a situation like that again. i will leave without looking back. Lindsey wrote in her journal that all of this was a dream. it wasn't a dream. scars mark my heart. battle wounds drape across my feelings. that is no dream. that isn't sureal. it's totale real. and it hurts still. Lindsey said she didn't do anything wrong. well i'd hate to bring up the past but she's wrong. lindsey did worse than i did. But it's not a pissing contest. not anymore. we're together now. and that's all i care about. one more day behind us. one more speed bump behind is. everytime we do this i wonder if we have enough umpf to get over it. sometimes we stop and look back down the hill and get scared i think of how high we've gotten. but then we both realize that being that high is where we want to be. and being that high just means no one can touch us. no one can break that. i love her.

theres just something about her. even tho i don't agree with her sometimes, and i feel like she could do more sometimes. i'm happy with her. it's not about the little things. it's about us as a whole. how she makes me feel when i'm with her. no one will ever understand that. no one will come close. she's mine and she always will be....thanks meredith for standing up for us...and not being afraid to. Thanks nick for making sure nothing goes unsaid. thanks sarah for just being there to listen....thanks to anyone that helped her....thanks...

i love you lindsey....i always will...