"Because of You I'm Breaking" [Chapter 14]
Title: "Because of You I'm Breaking" [Chapter 14]
Author: JCapzona
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: All television shows and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings ext. are the properties of their respective owners. This work is non-profit and simply written for fun. Reference to persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be factual.
Summary: The beginning of the end. [Part F]. “F” for “Forgive me.”
Author’s Note: Alright, so I know a lot of you were pretty ticked off with the spasm of events last chapter which was like cascading lava that just flowed and burned everyone it came in contact with. So hopefully, this chapter will be received better because it is the one that answers most (if not all) of the questions and bats away the cloudy confusion that may have settled over some of you. It’s a lot of dialogue but dialogue is good…dialogue is good and healthy…so…enjoy!
PS. This is the second last chapter to BOYIB so the next update will be the finale! ~* But on the bright side, we get pound cake tonight cause *dun dun!* It’s a new Grey’s Anatomy!!! =)
***Arizona’s Voiceover: *** As surgeons, we’re trained to make quick decisions. We’re trained to judge. To evaluate. To hone our skills so that we can take one look at an injury, one glance at a scan, and know everything about the disease. We’re told to be quick. Super quick. Because lives are waiting, waiting on our rare capability of judging something in one fleeting gaze…Glance. Diagnose. Cut. It’s quick and dirty, swift and clean…
The sudden onset of rain droplets catapulting against the window created a drum-like hammering that tore me from the sanctity of my dream. It was a nice dream. It was a dream of dimples. Of wheelie sneaks. Of pizza. Of a beautiful curly-haired blonde…it was a nice dream.
I felt disorientation surge through my veins as I struggled against the perplexity that was drowning out my thoughts. Opening my eyes for the first time in what seemed like ages, I fluttered my eyelids as my synapses began to fire and shoot me towards some sort of understanding as to where I was. Memories flooded back. Images filled the gaps and sluggishly, I began to recover. Connect. Comprehend.
I squinted around the hospital room as I felt the itchiness of the blue sheets chafe my skin. Ugh. I hate hospital beds. Ever since that time when I was a kid and had to get my wisdom teeth surgically removed, I had hated the hospital’s unrelenting need to buy the ugliest, most disturbingly uncomfortable sheets. I began to move my arm to yank the hellish cotton off my body only to receive a sudden tremor of pain in my shoulder. Oh right. The shoulder. It was probably dislocated. It sure hurt like a bitch…
“WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING NADIA!?”
That voice. I know that voice. It was the same voice that had held me and cried after I had fallen from the statue of unmistakable doom. It was the voice that screamed at me to wake up while I had crouched lifeless on the grass. It was the voice that comforted me over the blaring noise of the ambulance siren as we drove to the hospital…
It was Arizona.
I craned my neck towards the commotion and found myself staring to the right of my hospital room, through the visitor’s window.
Good News: I probably got away from the fall without spinal injury. Bad news: Arizona looked like she was about to hit Joanne with a brick. Seething would be an understatement at this point.
Wait… is that a black eye on Nadia? I groaned as I tried to sit up, feeling another eruption of agony tear through my left leg. Oh right. Forgot.
“Ok seriously AZ, you have GOT to stop screaming at me! You’ve done nothing but scream your head off this whole time and to be honest, it’s been three hours since we got here and you’ve been nothing but a pain in my ass!” Nadia retorted back in annoyance as she mended her black eye with a bag of ice. I couldn’t tell if she was wincing from the pain of the assault or the coldness of the ice or even the death-seeking missiles that Arizona was mentally launching towards her.
“Oh ho...so I’m the pain in the ass… that’s it…I have been PATIENT with you Nadia, I have been patient
because I know Callie has every right to see who she wants when she wants, but I warned you Nadia. I warned you not to mess with her and you went and pulled a 3-KO on her!” Arizona had her arms crossed as she fumed, probably so that she wouldn’t be tempted to blacken the other eye for Nadia. I watched silently as I looked at Arizona…it seemed so long since I had seen her…too long. Her hair was tied up messily and a couple stray curls danced loosely on the side. She was furious but I couldn’t help but admire at her enticing dimples which flashed as she grinded her teeth together.
“OH yes! Let’s talk about the stupid 3-KO again. Because that’s what we can’t seem to NOT talk about. The 3KO. THE STUPID STUPID 3-KO! You know what? I have brought soooo many girls to that violin and NONE of them…NONE!...have EVER fallen off the statue. So don’t blame the system that, if I recall correctly, was established by YOU yourself Arizona Robbins!” Nadia retaliated as she flung her ice bag off her eye, glaring at Arizona with equal distaste.
“OH ho! Yeah the violin story…that’s a rich one Nadia! Considering how you never even touched a string instrument in your life! And that you tell the SAME story and do the SAME routine with the spray painting and the studio and the statue of your newest victim…and the GRAND finale with the precious violin story to wrap it all up nicely before…” Arizona was hollering on top of her lungs now, her face flushed with rage as she narrowed her eyes in malice.
Before I could take in any of this information a third character trailed onto the stage before me, it was like watching a play, performed specifically for me and framed by the window on my hospital room. Joanne was holding out a steaming cup of coffee for Arizona who simply shook her head and returned to her resentment towards the disgruntled panda in front of her.
“Um…not to …interrupt this well-meaning conversation or anything….but what’s a 3-KO?” Joanne asked as she casually set down the coffee that had been refused moments ago. A flash of remorse darted across Arizona’s expression as Nadia evaluated her with a manic grin. She had found Arizona’s kryptonite.
“Funny you should ask Joanne…” Nadia whispered in a voice laced with malevolence. “A 3-KO was a game that AZ here…” she looked pointedly towards Arizona and raised her eyebrow coldly, “…invented one mischievous night at Berkley…the purpose of the game was to see who could hook up with a girl in three dates. The three date knock-out. A twisted challenge that Arizona loved to devote her spare time to. You see, for the legendary AZ here, life at Berkley got extremely boring since she could get any girl she wanted with minimal effort. One charming dimpled smile from across the bar, a raise of an eyebrow and a shot of tequila later, everyone was putty in AZ’s arms…”
“Nadia…stop…” Arizona stressed, her voice dampened with remorse and perhaps even a touch of sadness. I felt my heart ache as I saw the pained look in her blue eyes, crinkled in the agony of these memories…these days at Berkely, this legendary AZ she used to be.
If Nadia saw this display of agony, she did little to acknowledge it as she continued on, her words growing stronger as her story bore into a deeper, hidden past… “AZ was bored you see. She didn’t want to just hook up with these bar sluts, they were easy prey and the hunter wanted a challenge. So she said to me, she said ‘Nadia. It’s one thing to get a girl in bed drunk. It’s a whole different story to get one to fall in love with you in three dates…’ So she raised the bar. Amplified the legacy of AZ. She went after the confused straight ones. Made them fall in love with her. Three dates. Designed for the kill. Head-shot. And then there was the formula…oh yes the formula... First date always has to involve danger, or at least a perceived sense of it. It has to be rebellious, full of close calls. It has to be thrilling, dangerous. Enticing. Then the second one has to be soulful, it makes you reflect, show a secret, let them in on something special…and then the third one…well, they never made it past the second one. That’s why it’s called that. Three. K. O….Of course this is AZ we’re talking about…the legendary Arizona Robbins….the heartbreaker…” Nadia spitefully trailed off in defiance as she let out a smug smirk, fully aware of the tension that had risen from her words, a tension that now clung in the atmosphere. I felt myself breathe deeply as I took in what she had said….
Arizona had been a heartbreaker. A sick, twisted, heartbreaker.
Of course, I had known this, I had heard about her legacy as AZ, the unreachable, the unattainable
goddess…but somehow, the idea of this 3-KO…the formula of a heartbreaker…it seemed…cold…frightening even. The thought that she had actually developed this indestructible guarantee of hooking in a heart and watching it bleed in careful calculation, each date a well-maneuvered deliberation…this….this I wasn’t prepared for.
I stared blankly towards the trio just outside my door, watching them crumble underneath the knowledge
that had been released into the air. Arizona looked so…broken. So fragile. So exhausted. It was Joanne who finally snapped out of it, came to her senses as she spoke carefully, her voice barely audible in the suffocating apprehension of the conversation…
“You’re wrong Nadia.” Joanne’s eyes were reflecting a surge of power, a spark of clarity that seemed to glow past the downcast eyes on Arizona, who looked so distant and faraway as she turned towards her.
“You have no idea what AZ was like Joanne…how cruel she was to…to me…the morning after…” Nadia whispered. For the first time ever, I saw hurt flash through Nadia’s eyes…a hurt that could only be revealed from words of honesty. Words that carried the pain that she had subdued by becoming more enticing, more alluring, more seductive than Arizona…I started to understand why Nadia was the way she was….because of Arizona…because of AZ…
“The AZ you knew. This legendary heartbreaker you speak of. Isn’t Arizona Robbins. And I know Arizona Robbins. I do. I know Arizona Robbins because I grew up with her. She’s the one who would break open my bug collection to free the caterpillars because ‘they deserve a chance to turn into butterflies’. She’s the one who would spend nights crying over the fact that she wasn’t able to catch me when we went rock climbing that year when we were 12 and I stupidly fell off cause I wasn’t wearing the harness that she had begged me to put on and accidentally broke my leg. She’s the one who would dive into the lake without hesitation during eighth-grade camp to save the nerdy guy in our class that nobody liked or cared about. She’s the one…who…who was brave enough…self-less enough to let me go and run off away from her…even though it broke her heart. She’s the one…THAT is who Arizona Robbins is…” Joanne finished, tears welling up in her eyes as she defiantly glared at Nadia. Daring her to speak against the quivering Arizona who was now crying silent tears as she looked at Joanne. Arizona wiped away the droplets of emotion in her eyes as she turned slowly to Nadia, all the anger that had once raged through her was gone.
“You don’t think that I know? You don’t think that I get that?…You don’t think I know about what a jerk I was? I know about AZ Nadia. I know about the AZ. I think about her…I think about who I used to be ALL THE TIME. Because that person? That disgusting heartbreaking person I used to be? That’s the person I never want to be again. That’s the hole that I never want to have to crawl back into…so the reason I don’t visit Berkley? It’s not because I’ve run out of…of girls to hook up with….it’s not because there’s no thrill to the game anymore…The reason why I never tell people about AZ? It’s…it’s because I never want to be that person again. I never want to be the heartbreaker…” Arizona gulped back her tears as she finished, her voice was trembling but strong, her brilliant blue eyes were determined, bold, but…sorrowful and defeated.
“Callie’s awake.” Joanne’s voice cut echoed through the silence that had ensued Arizona’s speech…I took in a deep breath as three pairs of eyes darted towards me. Five dimples. All hidden behind the heavy emotion that had been evoked in the heated outpour of revelations.
* * *
“Calliope! You’re…you’re awake…did…did we wake you just…just now…?” Arizona dashed inside my room as she quickly wiped away the remainder of her tears, feigning her bright cheery façade as she approached me. It was odd, seeing her running instead of skating around as she usually did, but it was comforting to hear her voice again…hear her uniquely endearing voice chirp my name.
My eyes flitted towards Nadia and Joanne, who were deeply immersed in conversation outside. Arizona’s eyes followed where my attention had flown off to and a look of concern flashed in her eyes. I could tell she was worried…about what I had heard…about what she had revealed. Her bright blue eyes crinkled as she frowned slightly, biting her lower lip as she waited for my response. Waited for the confirmation of her fears.
“Um…hey! Yeah… no I just woke up actually, was I drugged? Haha…like…really heavily sedated type of thing? Cause I feel so …ugh…so sluggish, I can barely decipher what’s going on around me…” I faked a yawn as I tried to put on my best disoriented look. Slightly relieved but still unconvinced, Arizona pulled up a chair beside my bed, staring at me with a softened expression. For what seemed like an eternity, our eyes locked and I could tell from the thoughtful expression on Arizona that she was considering something.
I was the first to break the silence.
“So …um…when do I get to leave?” I smiled meekly, trying to pull us away from this awkward wrapping that had enveloped us. Arizona chuckled softly as she gave a weak dimpled grin.
“Not for a bit… you got pretty battered up there Calliope… you dislocated your shoulder and you broke your leg so…yeah... Na-uh. Not going anywhere for a bit.” Arizona finished softly. Her fingers lay deftly on the side of the bed and for a second I thought they attempted to move towards my hand, but she seemed to reconsider and move them off to the side again, trailing her index finger along the itchy bedspread instead.
I had forgotten about the sheets. The itchy. Itchy sheets that felt like I had a million ants crawling on me, etching their legs all over my body. I moved my arm to try and shuffle my body away from the itchiness only to receive a spasm of pain in my arm.
“Oh. And you fractured your arm a bit. But it’s a closed fracture so no worries.” Arizona ranted as she saw me cringe in pain.
“Oh yay. That’s a relief.” I retorted sarcastically as I winced in pain. Arizona’s smile spread a little more and I could feel my heart flutter. The blonde stray curls, the look of understanding…the dimples….plural…I had missed this…missed us. I wanted to reach out to her, to tell her how much I wanted her to forgive me…forget about Mark….give us a second chance.
I gave her an awkward grin as I watched Nadia nodding her head at Joanne’s words outside before giving her a hug. My attention returned to Arizona who was still lost in her thoughts and even though she was staring at me intently I knew she wasn’t actually there. Just as I opened my mouth to speak she suddenly jolted up,
“I’ll…umm…get us some…coffee…yeap, good ol’ coffee. Or maybe just water for you…cause you know…” Arizona ranted casually as she indicated to my bandages, she was nervous…and gently rocking at the balls of her feet. Seeing me wordless at this random offer for drinks, she gave a small nod as if to affirm her own actions before turning towards the door.
“Are you still mad at me?” I blurted out after her, halting her in her steps. I knew it sounded childish, stupid even, but I wasn’t about to lose Arizona again, not after knowing what it feels like to spend nights without her. If I had to sound like a moron. Then…so be it. “I mean…can we be….be like we used to?” I pressed, fear laced my words as I held my breath, waiting for an answer that I might not want to hear.
Arizona paused before turning slowly to face me. She seemed to fall back into her thoughtful daze before heading towards the side of my bed.
“Callie…I’m not mad at you…” she began, holding my hand as she spoke. I felt the flicker of hope instantly flare within me as I savoured the feeling of her touch…she seemed to sense this brightening of my dreams and slowly let go of my hand. I felt my heart sink and hit my stomach with a thud.
“Calliope…I think it’s better if we stay as….as…friends…” She finished, averting her eyes from my gaze. I swallowed, suddenly my throat felt parch. Like someone had shoved the sandpaper sheets I was sleeping on down my throat…
“Is it because of Mark? Is it because of…of Nadia? Arizona I…” I rambled, desperate to feel her fingers in my clutch again, needful of her smile in my life…
“No….no it’s not…I’m…sorry…it’s me…it’s….me...I just need some time…some time to do some thinking…” Arizona returned her gaze towards me and I saw the brittleness behind those crystal blue orbs.
“Ok.” I whispered. Not being able to muster any more of a response as she swiftly turned towards the door, I could hear her sobbing as she left me sitting there, dumbstruck and numb.
* * *
Arizona Robbins had her face buried in her hands as she sat in the lobby of the Seattle Grace Mercy West. Sitting beside her were two beverages, long forgotten and cold from having been neglected by the peds surgeon for so long.
Arizona was tired. She was tired from having not slept in the last….god knows how many hours…but it wasn’t the sleep deprivation that got to her…no…as a surgeon she was used to this…used to the feeling of staying awake for thirty, fourty hours on end…it was the emotional drain this day had taken upon her. As she sat there, drinking in her tears as they poured silently into her hands, she couldn’t help but replay the scenes that had flashed before her today…
Calliope falling off the giant statue….that gut-wrenching moment that sucked the life out of Arizona….the moment that she realized how broken she would be without the beautiful brunette in her life….then the brandishing of Nadia’s words, as she retold the stories, retold the abhorrent ways Arizona had lived her life…and then….then Joanne, stepping up to redeem her, telling her that she was better than what Nadia callously depicted…telling her that she was more than just a heartbreaker….and finally….finally…Callie…crumbling before her eyes as Arizona told her that they should just be friends…just be…
“Arizona…” Nadia broke through Arizona’s nightmarish trance and for the first time in hours, Arizona looked up to see the trademark tanned legs stride up towards her. There was something different about Nadia’s stance….and her walk….it was as if her normal alluring qualities had fled her movements…it was so…uncalculating, so natural…so un-Nadia like to walk like that.
“Nadia…I can’t…I can’t do this now…” Arizona whispered, unable to speak…
“Arizona. This is important. Joanne…just left…said its better for us to leave you guys alone so you can
work things out…and…well…I’m going….home…I have an exhibition in two days and I really gotta get back…but before I go. We have to talk…please Arizona. We need to talk.” Nadia clenched her jaw as she spoke and Arizona noticed the use of her first name, not her nickname, as well as the seriousness that embodied each word that Nadia used. Looking up, Arizona nodded, giving Nadia the go-ahead to continue.
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a….pill…with Callie and you…and even Joanne…I’m sorry for that. I really am. And when you were in the room with Callie earlier…Joanne told me some…stuff….stuff I didn’t know before…stuff about…” Nadia paused as her expression softened even more, her eyes no longer seductive but understanding…her aurora relaxed before she continued, determined to remain focused, “about how Joanne had hurt you…about why you had to become AZ…”
Arizona felt herself tense up at the name…AZ…the name that she hated with every bone in her body…the name that marked her as hateful. Disgusting. Atrocious.
“The reason I stuck around…and went out with Callie…wasn’t because I wanted to hook up with her Arizona…because I think…deep down…I knew she was going to reject me…I guess I just wanted to get back at you…for…for hurting me…because when we were at Berkley…I fell in love with you…I couldn’t help it…and I just…I just couldn’t stand to lose you….so I tagged along with you…I didn’t mind being your wingman to pick up girls just as long as I could be with you…and that morning after…when you left me…it broke my heart….it broke my heart and I never really recovered from it I don’t think…” Nadia whispered as she let out a defeated sigh, it was tough to admit the truth but she knew it was time to acknowledge it. She knew it was time to defeat this fear. To move on.
“Oh….” Arizona stared at the quivering mess in-front of her and for the first time she realized that she was seeing the real Nadia…not the annoying seductive vampire…or the insensitive Nadia who teased her callously…this was the real Nadia. The Nadia who hid behind all those facades all these years.
“Nadia…I…I’m sorry…I…didn’t know…” Arizona whispered apologetically. She looked into the face of the blonde in front of her, the blonde she had misjudged all these years, the heart she had abused, the feelings that hung hurt for so long. Arizona moved towards Nadia and placed her hands on Nadia’s shoulders, and for the life of her, she really didn’t’ know what to do or say…it was just too much…it was just too much…. “I’m sorry Nadia…I just…I don’t know what to say…”
“It’s okay Arizona. Just say you love me...just say you love me Arizona…” Nadia smiled, seeing the helpless look on Arizona’s face she chuckled softly, “I’m just kidding AZ…you don’t have to say anything…I didn’t expect to hear anything…I just…thought you should know…I don’t know why either…I guess, to redeem myself? To make myself seem less of a jerk in your eyes? Less of a cruel heartless slut? I…I…just wanted you to know AZ….can I still call you that…AZ?” Nadia smiled questioningly as she tilted her head to the side, Arizona could see the pain in her self-deprecating humour and the guilt stabbed Arizona as she nodded, smiling faintly.
“Only you Nadia. Only you can call me that.” Arizona grinned, flashing her dimples sweetly.
Nadia returned her a lopsided dimpled smile before sniffling and turning away…however, before leaving Arizona’s grasp, she paused and looked back.
“Oh AZ? You better live a long happy ending with Callie…because the reason she fell off that violin? It
was because she still had feelings for you. She actually dodged me…ME! During my LAST move in my 3-KO. Which has never happened….she loves you Arizona…that’s why she’s up there…in that bed all broken boned and stuff…she loves you…and you’d be a really big tool to let her go.” Nadia finished with a faint smile tugging at her lips. Sighing deeply she left Arizona’s grasp and headed towards the door of the lobby.
“Nadia!” Arizona yelled across the lobby towards the blonde who turned around with a questioning gaze, raising her eyebrow as she looked at Arizona.
Arizona beamed towards her friend before yelling “Your 3-KO was never that good you know….but thanks…for everything...oh and um…sorry about the eye” Arizona smiled apologetically as she cringed at the sight of the black eye that boldly stood out on Nadia’s features.
Nadia simply smirked before turning around and strutting out the doors of Seattle Grace Mercy West…with all the weight off her shoulders for the first time in years.
* * *
***Arizona Voiceover: *** Sometimes our talent can be frightening. Our confidence can be deadly. As surgeons, we become so accustomed to our blatant right to execute brilliance that in that fleeting glance, that swift diagnosis, we forget…we forget that we’re human. That we’re fallible. That even we make mistakes…Glance. Diagnose. Cut. It only takes one wrong judgement for us to fail. One wrong call for us to fall short…one error and we find ourselves cutting open the patient, only to realize, we misdiagnosed…completely.