"Because of You I'm Breaking" [Chapter 12]
Title: "Because of You I'm Breaking" [Chapter 12]
Author: JCapzona
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: All television shows and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings ext. are the properties of their respective owners. This work is non-profit and simply written for fun. Reference to persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be factual.
Summary: The beginning of the end. [Part D]. “D” is for…drama.
Author’s Note: Sorry for the wait guys, but I was doing some thinking about other things in life…things that have been bothering me…so I was kinda preoccupied. And when I’m distracted I can’t write properly and then I get all frustrated and start eaten haagen-dazs which makes me fat and then I get all disoriented from that which completely upsets me and….and… Yeaps. Okay. Too much information. Anyways…here it is. Hopefully it hits the bar. Let me know via your awesome reviews ;)
***Arizona voiceover: ***
Change happens slowly. Like the trickling of a melting icicle as it slowly fades away. Change happens slowly. It creeps up us. We rarely know when it starts and we barely feel it when it happens. But it does. Things change. People change. And as time passes, as the stars fade into the night, we inevitably change as well. But the scary thing about change is that we don’t feel it happening. We don’t know we’ve changed, moved on, transitioned …until that one day, we look up and find that the icicle is no longer there…and instead, we’re standing in a pool of its former self. Of who we used to be.
* * *
“Joanne...noo..na-uh...don’t...DON’T you dare...do this...” I whimpered as threateningly as I could at that point, which wasn’t really at all remotely much of a threat. Even in a time of peril, I couldn’t help but notice her enticingly and gorgeously toned body, time had only amplified her raw attractiveness...time had also not bothered to repair her insatiable insanity.
I watched helplessly as Joanne gave me a teasing smirk, flexing her irresistible dimples as she grinned. Then, in a flash, she had taken three long strides and jumped off the cliff and into the ocean below.
You have. GOT. To be kiddin’ me.
* * *
Five seconds…Ten seconds…Fifteen seconds. Okay…okay…there’s no need to freak out…I’m sure she’s fine…I’m sure she’s just messing around…Twenty seconds… what if…what if something’s wrong… what if she hit her head on one of those…rocks….those sharp…sharp rocks….I couldn’t see her anymore…or the bag…wait. is that it?...I…can’t be sure…Damn it Joanne! I cannot believe this…I ….UGH…DAMN IT!
I had been anxiously pacing around in a circle, agitatedly darting my eyes twoards the waters to check if Joanne had resurfaced with a dimple-flashing grin…it had been thirty seconds since she jumped and still nothing… I couldn’t wait anymore…I couldn’t stand there and wait…
I don’t really know what happened, one minute I was still pacing in a circle, not knowing what to do, and the next thing I knew I was diving feet first off the cliff and plunging through the air and towards the waters below.
It was incredible. Impossible. Insane.
I yelled the entire way down and it was a LONG way down. It was extraordinarily insane, irrationally invigorating.
I felt all the demoralizing pain that I had cooped up these last couple of weeks sucked out of me as I soared downwards, escaping the burdens that had been crushing me, flying away from the agony that had bore into me…it was revitalizing. The sparkling morning sun cascaded across the clear blue waters as I burst through the gentle waves. Stabbing deep within the waters for a couple of seconds before resurfacing with a gasp, it took a bit for me to recover from the adrenaline and focus on finding Joanne.
The sun was really bright. Like REALLY bright, blindingly so, as I swam around the sparkling waters, trying to locate my idiotic camping buddy. My ex-girlfriend. The catalyst for my most recent act of insanity. I felt my clothes clinging frantically as I flicked my hair behind me, pushing it out of my face with my hands as I treaded the waves, swimming towards the location of the bag. It was gone.
“Joanne? Hey….quit playing around…Joanne? You won okay? I’m in the water! JOANNE?”
I felt the gut-wrenching fear creeping back into me as my body became rigid in apprehension…this was not good….this was really, REALLY not good. The waters suddenly felt less refreshing as a sense of dread drowned my thoughts…. It was a long fall… the cliff was a good twenty…maybe thirty metres up? It was difficult to tell with the blaring sun blocking most of my vision out. Everywhere I looked, ripples of sunlight darted into my pupils, making me squint as I swarm about, my fear growing every time I saw a rocky island protrude from the waters…I searched for traces of blood on these ledges, my breath gritting as I did so….no….no…no….
Tears began to flood my vision as I desperately swam around, disoriented from my anxiety, ducking my head into the waters below me to search for Joanne’s body…
“AhhhHH!” I heard myself scream out as something latched onto my leg, I instinctively kicked it off, feeling my foot collide with something hard before the culprit released their hold. Whipping around, I dived underwater to find the monster that had captured me moments before. My stomach did a back flip as I saw the unconscious body of Joanne drifting underwater, her stunning brown hair floating lifelessly around her. Oh my god….oh my god…
I dived towards her and began uprooting her to the surface, feeling my heart pounding as I supported her head and neck so that it stuck out in the air, watching her unconscious features drink in the sunlight. Remembering my life-guarding course that I had taken many summers ago, I began swimming to the beachy shore nearby, struggling under the gravity of her weight as I wrapped my arm around her neck, praying for her to be okay…
How could I not have known it was Joanne… she ALWAYS had a thing for sneaking up on me…why should the fact that we were treading water after lunging off a cliff stop her…why didn’t I look before I kicked her…now that I think of it I should’ve been able to feel her fingers gripping me…what was I thinking…this is… I …I need to get her ashore… I just need to…
I frantically checked Joanne’s pulse as I groaned, pushing her body up the shore as I stepped onto the sandy floor, breathing ruggedly as I fell to my knees beside her. Her pulse was steady and strong but I could see the red lump growing more prominently on her forehead. The evidence of my crime. I felt a pang of guilt seize me as I struggled to drag her away from the water, forming a ditch-like trail in the sand.
I tapped her on the shoulders, shouting her name, begging her to wake up.
Nothing.
My medical instincts dominated my senses as I began to open her airway, craning back her forehead as I laid my trembling fingers on her stomach, listening for signs of breathing. The sun was illuminating her skin, making the water droplets glisten as it mirrored back the morning rays of light.
“JOANNE! WAKE UP. KNOCK IT OFF! YOU WON!”
No response.
I checked for circulation and felt the reassuring pulse beating, but more feebly than before. I landmarked across the bottom of her ribcage and began compressions instantly, feeling my own jagged breathing escalate as I continued to make compressions, locking my elbows straight as I pushed down into Joanne. Come on…come on…
I nervously continued my compressions, fearing the next step that lay inevitably before me…
One one-thousand, two one-thousand, three one-thousand, four one-thousand…
As I continued counting the compressions I surveyed Joanne’s expressionless features, the sunlight made her face shimmer and even though her eyes were closed, her features were so…stunningly gorgeous… No. No. Arizona. Don’t think about that…don’t think about how breath-taking Joanne is…no…focus. Focus!
Five one-thousand, six one-thousand, seven one-thousand….
I felt my heart racing as I counted towards the end of my thirty compressions…it was almost time…I felt a sense of urgency charge through my veins as I gulped…what was this feeling?...was it?...no…it can’t be…it’s been so long…and I’ve…I’ve moved on…but then…what was this?...this tension…this inexplicable suffocation that was making my heart race…this confusion that was washing over my senses…
Eight one-thousand, nine one-thousand…thirty…
I re-assessed her vitals, silently praying for her to be awake, desperately beseeching her consciousness…
No response.
I felt myself shaking as I tilted her head back again, why was I so nervous? I’m a doctor. I’m a doctor. And she’s just a patient. Any patient… I can do this…timidly, I squeezed her nose shut as I leaned down…feeling the battering of my heart against my chest as I approached her lips, my own lips quivering millimetres away…I felt my body tense up as I took in a breath, readying myself…
“Wow…Nadia was right, AZ does come on strong…” Joanne whispered hoarsely as she sputtered and choked up some water. She moved her hands over her eyes to block out the invasive sunlight.
I bolted upright, thankful for the opportunity to escape. Saved by the…“JOANNE! Oh thank god you’re awake!” I breathed in relief, sliding my hand along her back as I helped her sit up, she had a ridiculously enormous grin plastered on her face for someone who had almost died. I couldn’t help but return the grin. There it was again… the Joanne effect.
“I know right! Just in time too, or else I would’ve been another sucker on AZ’s hit list.” Joanne laughed, watching me pout indignantly. Secretly, I was thankful too.
“Oh psssh, don’t listen to Nadia…there’s NO list…she just thinks there’s a list…” I mumbled, relieved that Joanne was up and cracking jokes instead of being unconscious or worse…dead.
“OKAYYY then Zoni…whatever you say…heartbreaker.” Joanne rolled her eyes as she flashed me a playful smirk, revealing her cutesy dimples in an adorable way.
“Uh….you’re one to speak! I’m not the one who ditched out on us ten years ago…” my words trailed away as I quickly averted my eyes from Joanne. The atmosphere became serious in a matter of seconds. We never talked about this…Joanne’s departure…my heartbreak…it was taboo. A rift in our relationship that both of us had locked away in the past. Thrown away the keys to. Desperately ignored the presence of.
The words had flowed out of my mouth before I could stop them…I had no idea where it came from…it was as if a puppet master had opened my mouth and said it for me… a moment of awkward silence passed before I looked back to Joanne, whose features had contorted in pain momentarily before reverting back to her cheery grin.
“Okay okay I take it back then, don’t get all heated up Zoni!” Joanne laughed as she ruffled my hair, I felt myself relax…she had a way of soothing out the atmosphere with her dimples, her silky brown hair…her Joanne-ness. I felt myself punch her playfully, thankfully etching past the moment we just had.
“Uh. Shut up! I’m not the one who almost friggin’ drowned herself jumping off of a FREAKIN’ CLIFF!” I motioned towards the overbearing rocky wall that sat lazily behind us. Joanne smirked smugly before falling back towards the sand, folding her hands behind her head as she leaned down, squinting her eyes at the sunlight.
“HEY! Who needs to be careful when I’ve got Dr. Arizona Robbins to save the day?” Joanne sang teasingly as she air hyphened my name. I gave a scoff of disapproval before laying down next to her, feeling a wave of fatigue wash over me as I finally realized how tiring that little rescue mission was.
“Well then, Dr. Arizona Robbins is prescribing some bed…er beach rest for you…to further examine your head injury”
“A head injury which SHE caused, might I add” Joanne pouted, feigning anger as she rubbed her minor bruise at the top of her head. “Jeesh Zoni, way to thrash and knock me unconscious.”
“Sue me.” I laughed as I closed my eyes, finally getting some rest from all this excitement. The physical drain of pulling Joanne to shore was nothing compared to the emotional confusion I was trudging through right now…
“Maybe I will. I know some powerful lawyers you know!” Joanne sat up as she shot me a challenging grin. Her dimples danced in the sunlight as she raised one of her eyebrows endearingly.
“I’ll just plea insanity. After jumping off that cliff, I’m thinking I have a strong defence.” I mirrored her smile, flashing my dimples in an equally charming fashion.
“Ugh. The world is against me.” Joanne moaned as she thudded back down onto the soothing beachy cushion beneath us. The gentle heated sands we were laying on swallowed us into a sea of comfort as the sound of the waves lulled us to sleep. Catalyzed by the exhaustion of her drowning (and my rescuing her), Joanne and I were out within minutes.
* * *
“ZONI!!! WAKE UP!! WAKEEEEEEEY WAKEYYY ZONI!” Joanne’s voice shook be back to reality.
I groaned as I blinked confusedly, disoriented from the late afternoon sun that was now invading my pupils.
“COME ON ZONI YOU’RE GOING TO MISS OUT IF YOU DON’T GET UP!” Joanne yelled into my ear as she began nudging my shoulders. I refused to acknowledge her existence and continued to shut my eyes firmly.
“Ugh…Joanne…the last time you said that, I had to jump off a cliff, tread water like mad and perform CPR on you…I think I’ll take my chances on missing out…” I moaned, turning away from her as I continued my much-needed slumber.
“Oh whatever Zoni, you just wanted to make out with me. Don’t give me the CPR bull…fine, don’t get up. See if I care!” Joanne laughed teasingly as she strutted off a couple meters away.
“Nope. Not going to work. Na-uh. I will not be swayed by reverse psychology.” I grumbled, thankful to be left alone by the bouncy five year-old that Joanne had apparently never really grown past.
“FINE. If you don’t get up now I’m going to come over there and…and... make out with you!” Joanne threatened as I felt her stride purposely towards me.
“I’m UP! I’m UP!” I yelled, stretching my eyelids open and jumping off the sand towards Joanne, giving her a salute as I stood at attention. “Awaiting orders ma’am.” Ugh. Headrush.
“Always works like a charm! Put these on Zoni!” Joanne shoved an armful of equipment into my arms and I looked at her for the first time since I woke up…I mean really looked at her…she was suited up in a wet suit and equipped in full scuba diving gear.
“ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME JOANNE!? YOU ALMOST DROWNED THIS MORNING AND NOW YOU WANNA GO SCUBA DIVING!?” I hollered, angling my head as I narrowed my eyes, giving her a look of pure exasperation. Her lack of sanity had definitely intensified a couple notches since I last saw her ten years ago.
“Uhh yeah. I was drowning. Therefore. I was NOT swimming. And now since I’m NOT drowning, I figure I should be scuba diving!” Joanne concluded her illogical formula cheerfully as she plopped her scuba mask on and waddled towards the waters with her flippers on. I stood there watching wordlessly as Joanne feverishly leapt into the glistening waters, waving me over animatedly. Reluctantly I slid on my scuba diving gear and bounced off after her, feeling ridiculous as I stumbled on my flippers.
I miss Seattle. Yeap.
* * *
The roasting fire was cackling merrily as I felt my wet suit letting off steam, drying off swiftly in the proximity of the heat. We had set up our tent on the beach (a feat that Joanne took great pride in, considering how a couple of tent poles had floated away from her unceremonious throwing of the bag from the top of the cliff) and I had taken on the necessary task of setting up a fire to stop hypothermia from setting in. Yeap. Making a fire in a beach in the middle of nowhere in my wetsuit. Yeap. That’s what I’ve been reduced to.
We had spent the whole day and much of the night thrashing around in the amazingly gorgeous waters, exploring the depths of it and searching out pretty shells to collect. Why? Because that’s the kind of person Joanne was, my ex-girlfriend, my first, and slightly insane. I sure know how to pick them.
The stars glittered across the night sky and smoke clouded nature’s canopy as the mini fire before us sizzled alluringly. I felt myself mesmerized in the gracious burning of the wood as the fire peeled away the molten grub that fed the blaze. Joanne was sitting beside me, playing with her perfectly straight brown hair. I couldn’t believe how un-mussed up she looked, it was incredible.
We sat in silence and for a while, the quiet whispers of the flame engulfed my mind, taking me away from the moment. Slowly, I felt the distraction ebb away as thoughts of Joanne came swelling up before me, my blurted out conversation from before, those feelings that I’ve been having ever since her return…
This morning, I had been so…hesitant…unwilling to administer resuscitation on Joanne…I felt so…weird…was I scared? Maybe. I think I was scared to feel that feeling again, her lips touching mine, the burning sensation that would surely arise if I let myself fall back into her, if I let our bodies touch… I was scared that I might fall for her again, back into that place…when Calliope was waiting for me back at Seattle…at least…I think she was…
“Zoni! Lean over a bit! I made you something!” Joanne exclaimed, breaking my muse. I smiled gently before shuffling closer to her. I felt her hand on my shoulder as she pushed me down a bit, placing a shell in my hair, it was small and delicate but it fit nicely and within seconds Joanne had secured it by braiding my hair around it.
“Perfect” she whispered, her hazel eyes brightening as she pursed her lips in satisfaction of her masterpiece. She flicked her eyes back into mine and I felt out eyes lock intently. Her eyes were so dark and soulful, with a mixture mysterious happiness embedded in her irises, I felt my breath hitch as she leaned in.
My heart raced as I realized that Joanne’s lips were millimetres away from mine… I felt fear surge through my mind as I braced myself for the fiery passion that was sure to spark up from her touch, from her warmth, from her presence.
Joanne’s lips grazed mine as I firmly pressed my eyes together, readying myself for the unimaginable passion that would dominate my mind, rip away all other senses, swallow my desires… I could feel her arms wrapping around my waist as she kissed me, pushing her lips against mine softly but hungrily…
I felt nothing.
I felt no passion. No love. No desire…Wait. What? Why didn’t I feel anything?
Joanne was kissing deeper now, running her soft hands up and down my back as she pushed her tongue into my mouth, searching for a response that I was unable to return. And in that moment, I knew…I knew why. It came to me right then and there…
“Joanne…” I mumbled through her kiss, as she fastened her lips tighter against mine. I felt myself begin to pull back. Pull away from this confusion.
“Joanne…stop…” I whispered through her assault, pressing my hands firmly on her shoulders as I separated myself from her tongue. The look of hurt was evident in her eyes, reflecting the light from the fire beside us.
“Zoni…I…” She began, still rubbing circles on my back even though my arms were maintaining the distance between us.
“Joanne…we need to talk…about what happened ten years ago…when you left.” I felt the words pour out again, this time though, I was in control. It made sense to me now, this tension between us…this feeling of anxiety…it wasn’t love… it was the need for understanding…it was a need for words…a need for closure.
“Zoni…I’m…sorry…I was young….and I was scared…I loved you so soo much and I still do…it’s just… I wasn’t ready…and…and I didn’t want it to be a big deal…so I knew I had to go…I just…had to go…” Joanne whispered, finally releasing her hand from my back. I dropped my hands from her shoulder as we both felt the gauche separation ebb into our thoughts.
“Joanne…when you left…it left me…broken. I was…broken…and…and I tried to fill that gap…fix the hole by picking up girls…having one night stands…maintaining a distance because I was afraid to get hurt again…I was afraid to feel attached again…” I explained in a barely audible voice, watching intently at the remorse that was washing over her features. I felt my heart break a little as I pressed on, knowing that I needed to say these words in order to move on with life…with everything else...with anything…with Calliope…
“I cried myself to sleep so many nights, asking myself where we went wrong…where I went wrong…wondering which moment in time, which precise event it happened in…when you stopped being in love with me…” I felt tears cascading my cheeks now, tears that were reflected on Joanne’s face as she listened, opening her mouth wordlessly and closing it again.
“I was miserable. After…after I left. I was miserable Zoni…I thought I could leave and refresh my life…find distractions that would take my mind off you…make me love you less…make me less vulnerable…but it never went away…I came after you to Berkley a year after…but you were…well you were…busy with other people…and I knew I was too late…but I couldn’t move on…I just couldn’t…so I came looking for you…even though it’s been ten years…I still love you…and I’m ready now. I’m ready to take everything on. I’m not young and stupid anymore and I’m certainly not going to run away.” Joanne finished defiantly, taking my hands into hers as her eyes blazed fiercely.
I could feel the seriousness in her voice, the resolve in her eyes as she poured her heart out…but still…I knew it had to be done…I knew I had to end it.
I slid my hands out of her grip, feeling her heart shatter from my movement away from her.
“I loved you Joanne…for years I loved you…and when you came back I thought I still did…I was scared to be near you…to kiss you…to even…even do CPR…but just now…when you kissed me…I didn’t feel anything…and that’s when I knew…when I knew…”
“That you can’t love me anymore?” Joanne’s voice croaked as she whispered those words.
“That I can’t control who I love.” I whispered, turning back to face the flames as tears cascaded my face, leaving Joanne’s expression of remorseful anguish as I stared back into the fire.
* * *
Joanne and I sat in silence for the rest of the night, watching the fire blaze on and eventually, slowly die. I returned to the tent and fell asleep a little while later, but Joanne stayed outside the whole night.
When I woke up, it was already 2pm. For the first time during this trip, I felt a stab of sadness that my “Zoni” alarm clock hadn’t been the first thing I heard. Numbly, I packed the sleeping bag and headed outside… Joanne was sitting in the exact spot she had been in last night. The embers of the fire had long extinguished and the sight of Joanne staring into what was left of the blazing fire made my heart break. The bags under her eyes spoke out the fact that she hadn’t slept at all. There was a hollow sadness in her hazel eyes but she pulled on a weak smile at the sight of me approaching her slowly in my grey hoody and black shorts.
“Hey” I whispered, my voice cracking from its lack of use the last twelve hours.
“Hi Zoni.” Joanne responded, still carrying her weak smile that had only the faintest gleam of her dimples.
“Ready to head home?” I asked, not knowing what else to say.
“Yeah…” She responded. Her eyes were swollen and her hair was frazzled. A first.
“Joanne…you know I’ll always love you.” I whispered as I stepped over to give her a hug. She seemed so fragile, so brittle…so un-Joanne-ish.
“Thanks Zoni…but can I ask you something?” She whispered, pulling away from our chaste hug.
“Anything.”
“Are you still in love with Callie?” She whispered, her voice sounded tired but strong.
“I’m afraid so.” I answered, smiling gently. It broke my heart to see Joanne so delicate.
“Then you should head back…really soon…like now…cause when Nadia came to see me that day…she told me about all the places she’s planning on taking her…” Joanne began, looking worried. I smiled at how much she cared, because I knew Joanne was looking out for me, for Calliope.
“I’m sure it’s nothing to be worried about…we’ll get back when we get back…” I reassured Joanne as I grinned playfully. I knew it was hurting her to push me towards Calliope…but somehow, her concern overweighing mine made the atmosphere lighter than usual. It was almost like we were friends again and it gave me hope that maybe we could be.
“Are you sure? Cause Nadia told me that she was going to bring Callie spray painting and…and to her studio to show her…” Joanne began, a frown pulling at her expression.
“…a statue of Callie.” I softly finished her sentence, dread freezing my entire body.
“Yeah…how did you know? It seemed like a pretty cool couple ideas…” Joanne smiled weakly, not realizing the horror that was bulldozing all of my senses right now. I felt a shiver go down my spine as the blood drained from my face.
“It’s not just a pretty cool couple ideas Joanne…it’s Nadia’s…Nadia’s…it’s her 3-KO.” I finished, gulping as I breathed deeply, consternation rattling into my bones at the realization. I should’ve seen it coming…she was in it to win it…the mischievous glare she had shot me that day when she realized how much Calliope mattered to me… I should’ve known…
“What’s a 3-KO?” Joanne asked, finally seeing the fear flashing in my eyes.
“We have to go Joanne…NOW!”
***Arizona voiceover: ***
Change happens slowly…we don’t feel it…we can’t evade it…and there’s definitely no stopping it. And it’s always shocking to discover the dissimilarity, discover the lost feelings that used to be so prevalent not too long ago. It’s weird, to be okay. It’s weird to lose those feelings. The definition of who we used to be. But sometimes, the one thing we can do, the only thing we can do… is embrace the change, watch the icicle trickle and just… move on.