Grades and fears
Thank you Lord I have passed statistics. I got a 60 on the final. >_<; and apparently overall a 60. But that's because the professor fixed the curve. Otherwise I would've failed that class and lost my scholarship. (my grade was 58%)
I'm so relieved. X_x;; To a degree I feel bad that I got off like that, but seriously....this class is freakin' hard. I don't think I'm the only one who ran the risk of failing. It'll be the third statistics class I've taken (fourth actually if you count that I failed psychology statistics the first time I took it). This time I actually knew some of the things that were covered in the course, unlike when I took psychology statistics. That time it was all hieroglyphics to me. X_x;; Never had I encountered anything like it.
My professor is really smart, too smart really. He intimidates me like no one does. That man makes me terribly uncomfortable. Probably cuz I'm so dumb when it comes to critical thinking and math. I was mostly terrified of him in 301 and did not want to take another class with him, but still ended up taking the online course he teaches. @__@; I thought, ah well, at least I won't have to be in his presense anymore. WRONG. It was worse this time cuz I had to go to his office and ask him to explain things to me. Talk about humiliating...
Still I guess it was good for me. Its practice for the real world. I grow some thick skin cuz of that. Getting humiliated by people? Yup. I've gotten a lot of that lately. X) But what can I do? I'm just not good enough.
Which is why I'm extremely nervous this morning. I have an appointment at noon at the public defender's office. I don't have a single clue as to what I can do for them. What have I to offer? The fact that they only take law school students as interns has me terrified. Not to mention it's a federal office...
Yeah. Looks like more humiliation in my plate this week.
But I gotta do it. Go in there, know I'll look like a fool, beg to work for them (though I know not how), be told I'm not good enough (which I believe) and be politely excused.
Still...ya never know until you try. And that's why I'm going. Because I don't know what I'm good for, and maybe being faced with this reality will let me know what I'm not good for. Knowing what I'm not good for, will be a start towards finding what I should do with my life.
I will get my degree in Criminal Justice. But I may not work in the field. I've gotten many doubts lately about who I am.
Can I truly fight for someone else, help someone? defend someone?
When I don't even care to defend myself...I think...It doesn't matter what other people think of me. I know where I stand, and maybe someday they will to. If they don't, it doesnt' matter, God knows.
But it doesn't work that way in the criminal justice system. You don't have the option of keeping quiet when you're accused of something. Because you do get screwed over if you don't defend yourself.
In the Criminal Justice system you have to care about what people think. Cuz they'll screw you over good if they think bad of you.
I have a dream to get my mother her house, and grow marigolds.
But getting there will require a sacrifice and that is my personality. I don't want to become my brothers. I don't want to change. But I will have to if only to succeed.
God help me retain my sanity. I need this internship.
People are counting on me. T-T
I'm so relieved. X_x;; To a degree I feel bad that I got off like that, but seriously....this class is freakin' hard. I don't think I'm the only one who ran the risk of failing. It'll be the third statistics class I've taken (fourth actually if you count that I failed psychology statistics the first time I took it). This time I actually knew some of the things that were covered in the course, unlike when I took psychology statistics. That time it was all hieroglyphics to me. X_x;; Never had I encountered anything like it.
My professor is really smart, too smart really. He intimidates me like no one does. That man makes me terribly uncomfortable. Probably cuz I'm so dumb when it comes to critical thinking and math. I was mostly terrified of him in 301 and did not want to take another class with him, but still ended up taking the online course he teaches. @__@; I thought, ah well, at least I won't have to be in his presense anymore. WRONG. It was worse this time cuz I had to go to his office and ask him to explain things to me. Talk about humiliating...
Still I guess it was good for me. Its practice for the real world. I grow some thick skin cuz of that. Getting humiliated by people? Yup. I've gotten a lot of that lately. X) But what can I do? I'm just not good enough.
Which is why I'm extremely nervous this morning. I have an appointment at noon at the public defender's office. I don't have a single clue as to what I can do for them. What have I to offer? The fact that they only take law school students as interns has me terrified. Not to mention it's a federal office...
Yeah. Looks like more humiliation in my plate this week.
But I gotta do it. Go in there, know I'll look like a fool, beg to work for them (though I know not how), be told I'm not good enough (which I believe) and be politely excused.
Still...ya never know until you try. And that's why I'm going. Because I don't know what I'm good for, and maybe being faced with this reality will let me know what I'm not good for. Knowing what I'm not good for, will be a start towards finding what I should do with my life.
I will get my degree in Criminal Justice. But I may not work in the field. I've gotten many doubts lately about who I am.
Can I truly fight for someone else, help someone? defend someone?
When I don't even care to defend myself...I think...It doesn't matter what other people think of me. I know where I stand, and maybe someday they will to. If they don't, it doesnt' matter, God knows.
But it doesn't work that way in the criminal justice system. You don't have the option of keeping quiet when you're accused of something. Because you do get screwed over if you don't defend yourself.
In the Criminal Justice system you have to care about what people think. Cuz they'll screw you over good if they think bad of you.
I have a dream to get my mother her house, and grow marigolds.
But getting there will require a sacrifice and that is my personality. I don't want to become my brothers. I don't want to change. But I will have to if only to succeed.
God help me retain my sanity. I need this internship.
People are counting on me. T-T