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Hello, peeps. Been a while, huh? I don't even know where to begin. >.< (I'm cutting a lot of this because it's LONG; spread through is stuff about coming out to people, personal experiences of late, and general life stories.)
Weekend before last I went to South Dakota to a family reunion for my mom's side of the family. It was a lot of fun, and I was kind of relieved that no one asked me about anybody I was seeing. That side of the family is very conservative Baptists, but non-judgmental and I actually like them. I'd feel bad for making them worry about me, but I would feel worse lying!
I did talk to one guy over the weekend, my cousin Greg from Sacramento (my second cousin once removed, to be exact), who's my parent's age and a minister. He said, "So are there any men in your life?" And I said, "No men, no," and then started kicking myself for being a coward, so later in the conversation I said, "I am seeing someone in Concord, and she..." but even then I kind of swallowed the S. In that case, it wasn't that I didn't want him to worry, as that he was like a shark and I didn't want to be condemned.
It's a learning process, really. I've gotten very good at coming out to strangers, acquaintances, and clients. It's different when it's family, but I didn't feel right about what I did, and I'm still learning. Be true to yourself and all that. Still, small steps: I've gotten VERY good at coming out to other people. ;)
Other than that, the family reunion was fun. There had to have been well over a hundred people there, all related to me, and I learned I have a lesbian cousin who lives nearby (though she wasn't there) and several other relatives I like who also live nearby. I also saw an amazing picture of my great-great-grandmother, who was Native American. My older sister came home from a physical anthropology glass YEARS ago and announced that we have NA teeth; the only people who have those teeth are NA and Chinese, and we were pretty sure we aren't Chinese. We traced it back to my maternal Grandpa, asking about teeth, but when we said it was to do with NA he flipped out. Talk about racism. :( Since then I've often wondered if it was really right, because I thought all his family came from Germany, but I flipped open this photo book and was like, "OMG! That woman is Native American!" When I asked my great-aunt Darlene, she said that was her great-grandmother on her mother's side. The other side of the family was all from Germany! Pretty cool. :D
It actually wasn't a picture; it was a picture of a painting. I took a picture of the picture of the painting, and I'll post it at some point. ;) I was like, "Look! There's my mom's cheekbones and my hair and our skin tone!" Hee. She was from North Dakota, and was married to an Irishman. No one knows more than that about her. She could have been half, I suppose -- but no less than that. It was very exciting for me. >.> (I knew I wasn't crazy!)
We also saw a lot of old people who were still active, including my great-aunt (who turned 90!) and my pseudo-aunt Weiman, who is 96. We stood in the community area of her assisted living place, and threw pillows at the far table. She was telling us how her and her friends play dominos, and they sit on those cushions, and when they're done they toss the cushions back up -- and next thing you know, there we are, all flinging cushions up! It was HILARIOUS. Once, she was talking about wanting to sleep in and luckily not being late for church, and I winked and said, "Because you know if you're late, they'll think you were up to something the night before." She chuckled, realized what I meant, covered her mouth in an attempt to be lady-like and laughed really hard. It was so awesome. :D I want to be like her and some of my other family when I grow up! It was so good to see, because my four grandparents were decrepit young. Seeing people in their 80s and 90s who are still doing things, healthy and active... who are related to me, even! That was so, so amazing.
I got home on Monday, and then drove out Friday after working Tues, Weds, and Thurs. Down to SoCal, to my cousin's Catholic mass wedding. It was a beautiful wedding, and she looked so happy. I was, uh, hung over. *laughs* I had two martinis in about an hour on an empty stomach, and did NOT expect it to hit me that hard! But the wedding was good (if LONG), and my cousin was beautiful, and she looked so happy.
I felt oddly left out. I came out to that family, with darksideofstorm's help, at Christmas. One of my aunts hasn't spoken to me since (my favorite one), and no one's asked me about people I'm dating or what's going on in my life other than dog training. They're conservative Catholic, and they are judgmental. On the one hand, it's nice not to be asked when I'm going to start popping out babies, but on the other hand it does make things strained. Ironically, probably the worst part is that the family is so big I really don't know if my favorite aunt hasn't spoken to me because of that, or if she hasn't spoken to me because we just haven't been around each other. There are so many people. So I'm left in this limbo, like I don't know if I should worry about it or not. Of course, the healthy answer is probably to not worry about it; live my life and let her live hers. I'm working on that. *wry smile*
One really awesome thing that happened was that the cousins I'd always really liked, who I'd never much spoken to, closed ranks around DK and I at Christmas. I went to Cameron and thanked her for that at the wedding, and was enveloped in a giant hug and lots of praise for having the guts to come out. She even thanked me; apparently it's an ongoing argument in her family, with her and her siblings on one side and her parents and extended family on the other. (Her husband is awesome; I don't know where his extended family sits. I've never met them!) That feeling of support is what I'm trying to focus on, and the fact that I know Erin, the bride, is happy with whatever makes me happy. (She even asked about DK in the spring when I saw her!)
There's something else that's been cooking in my head, and it's the concept of oversharing. I've touched on it before, but haven't really been able to put into words. But it's heavily influenced the way I feel of late, so maybe I'll use my real-life example. There's this idea that sharing is good, but sometimes it's not.
My mom told me that my favorite aunt, the one I think isn't speaking to me anymore, got into a heated debate on the evils of Teh Gay with my dad when Prop 8 was going on, even though my dad kept responding with, "I love you dearly, but I don't want to talk about this." I also know, thanks to my mom, that this same aunt was horrified when she saw I was publishing smut. (She missed the gay part, I'm guessing.) If I didn't know any of that, I probably wouldn't have noticed if she was speaking to me or not (the family is really big enough not to speak to someone several visits in a row). But I do know that she disapproves of everything I do and am, only she doesn't know I know, and so... I can't address it, because she didn't say anything to me (and saying I found out would tell her that my parents broke her confidence, and maybe she didn't say anything to me because she was trying not to hurt me, which somehow makes it worse -- like she's getting punished for trying to do the right thing). But I know about it, anyway. And if I didn't know about it... things would be the same, except I would be happier.
I've had this happen a bit, lately, where someone tells me something that only makes me mad or hurts me. Something that I could have happily lived without knowing, something that I can't really address. I suppose all I can do is what I started doing last year with various friends, which was to say, "I'm sorry, please don't tell me what someone else said, they can tell me themselves if they want to. Please don't quote me to other people, either." But see, sometimes sharing really isn't helpful. There's this attitude that you should know what people are saying about you, but I don't think that's true. If they're an adult, they can say it to my face so I can address it. Otherwise, I'm sorry they're struggling; I don't need to be affected, too.
And there's something else I've been chewing on, to do with friends. I have a friend, Danny, who's been my best friend since I was 8 years old. A year ago last Christmas, I pulled him aside because I'd been contacting him but not getting any responses. I asked him if he wanted me to stop, and when he said no and went on at length about how I was his best friend, I told him he needed to contact me back, then, because always contacting him and never hearing back made me feel rejected, and I was really hurt. He was very apologetic, and called me a few times after that. Since then -- a year and a half -- I've contacted him on and off by phone, facebook, text, and email. The only time I get a response is when I ask a direct medical question. When we were in FLA and just 20 minutes from him, he came to visit -- but I found out later that according to his boyfriend, he wasn't going to. It was the boyfriend who convinced him. (Again with the oversharing -- though the boyfriend had no idea that was hurtful, that this was a pattern. He was laughing and rolling his eyes.)
This came to a head when I realized Danny was going to be in SoCal in July, and hadn't even bothered to tell me. I found out through his siblings. First I was hurt just because he hadn't been contacting me BACK, and second because he was going to be here and didn't even bother to tell me, and third because -- shit, I'm willing to drive EIGHT HOURS to see him for an afternoon, but he's not willing to drive 20 minutes to see me?
I'm sure it's benign neglect. Those rare times I do talk to him (January, and before that it was a year earlier... and recently, when I asked a medical question I was embarrassed about, his response left me no doubt that he friend-loves me) I'm left knowing he really still cares. But actions speak louder than words by far, and I'm hurt. I don't know what to do about it right now. I could email him something like this, but I've already told him once, and if he IS trying to dump me... I don't know. I'm living in fear. *wry smile*
Speaking of living in fear, I'm reading a new happy-head book. It's a SARK book (I love those) called Succulent Wild Woman, and I'd like to start writing on it like I was on One Day My Soul Just Opened Up, but I'm not sure I have the time. :( It's a smaller book, so at least the reading goes faster. *laughs* But it's reminding me A) to not live in fear and B) that when you're hurting, it's okay. That's important for me, as -- unsurprisingly -- I'm crashing a bit after all this travel and people. I'm doing mostly pretty well, but I am feeling oddly fragile. Just making sure that I get enough sleep and do what my intuition says (like going home yesterday, though I wanted to stay with Quin. I'm so glad I came home. I got stuff done, and slept in my own bed, and ended the day feeling content rather than distressed at getting nothing done.) I'm having nightmares, but oddly enough, they're not bothering me nearly as much as they normally do. I think it's a good sign. ;)
Finally, I'm moving in two weeks. Hopefully less than two weeks, actually. God, I don't know when I'm going to pack... but I'll figure it out. ;)
So. How are you? *grins*
J
Weekend before last I went to South Dakota to a family reunion for my mom's side of the family. It was a lot of fun, and I was kind of relieved that no one asked me about anybody I was seeing. That side of the family is very conservative Baptists, but non-judgmental and I actually like them. I'd feel bad for making them worry about me, but I would feel worse lying!
I did talk to one guy over the weekend, my cousin Greg from Sacramento (my second cousin once removed, to be exact), who's my parent's age and a minister. He said, "So are there any men in your life?" And I said, "No men, no," and then started kicking myself for being a coward, so later in the conversation I said, "I am seeing someone in Concord, and she..." but even then I kind of swallowed the S. In that case, it wasn't that I didn't want him to worry, as that he was like a shark and I didn't want to be condemned.
It's a learning process, really. I've gotten very good at coming out to strangers, acquaintances, and clients. It's different when it's family, but I didn't feel right about what I did, and I'm still learning. Be true to yourself and all that. Still, small steps: I've gotten VERY good at coming out to other people. ;)
Other than that, the family reunion was fun. There had to have been well over a hundred people there, all related to me, and I learned I have a lesbian cousin who lives nearby (though she wasn't there) and several other relatives I like who also live nearby. I also saw an amazing picture of my great-great-grandmother, who was Native American. My older sister came home from a physical anthropology glass YEARS ago and announced that we have NA teeth; the only people who have those teeth are NA and Chinese, and we were pretty sure we aren't Chinese. We traced it back to my maternal Grandpa, asking about teeth, but when we said it was to do with NA he flipped out. Talk about racism. :( Since then I've often wondered if it was really right, because I thought all his family came from Germany, but I flipped open this photo book and was like, "OMG! That woman is Native American!" When I asked my great-aunt Darlene, she said that was her great-grandmother on her mother's side. The other side of the family was all from Germany! Pretty cool. :D
It actually wasn't a picture; it was a picture of a painting. I took a picture of the picture of the painting, and I'll post it at some point. ;) I was like, "Look! There's my mom's cheekbones and my hair and our skin tone!" Hee. She was from North Dakota, and was married to an Irishman. No one knows more than that about her. She could have been half, I suppose -- but no less than that. It was very exciting for me. >.> (I knew I wasn't crazy!)
We also saw a lot of old people who were still active, including my great-aunt (who turned 90!) and my pseudo-aunt Weiman, who is 96. We stood in the community area of her assisted living place, and threw pillows at the far table. She was telling us how her and her friends play dominos, and they sit on those cushions, and when they're done they toss the cushions back up -- and next thing you know, there we are, all flinging cushions up! It was HILARIOUS. Once, she was talking about wanting to sleep in and luckily not being late for church, and I winked and said, "Because you know if you're late, they'll think you were up to something the night before." She chuckled, realized what I meant, covered her mouth in an attempt to be lady-like and laughed really hard. It was so awesome. :D I want to be like her and some of my other family when I grow up! It was so good to see, because my four grandparents were decrepit young. Seeing people in their 80s and 90s who are still doing things, healthy and active... who are related to me, even! That was so, so amazing.
I got home on Monday, and then drove out Friday after working Tues, Weds, and Thurs. Down to SoCal, to my cousin's Catholic mass wedding. It was a beautiful wedding, and she looked so happy. I was, uh, hung over. *laughs* I had two martinis in about an hour on an empty stomach, and did NOT expect it to hit me that hard! But the wedding was good (if LONG), and my cousin was beautiful, and she looked so happy.
I felt oddly left out. I came out to that family, with darksideofstorm's help, at Christmas. One of my aunts hasn't spoken to me since (my favorite one), and no one's asked me about people I'm dating or what's going on in my life other than dog training. They're conservative Catholic, and they are judgmental. On the one hand, it's nice not to be asked when I'm going to start popping out babies, but on the other hand it does make things strained. Ironically, probably the worst part is that the family is so big I really don't know if my favorite aunt hasn't spoken to me because of that, or if she hasn't spoken to me because we just haven't been around each other. There are so many people. So I'm left in this limbo, like I don't know if I should worry about it or not. Of course, the healthy answer is probably to not worry about it; live my life and let her live hers. I'm working on that. *wry smile*
One really awesome thing that happened was that the cousins I'd always really liked, who I'd never much spoken to, closed ranks around DK and I at Christmas. I went to Cameron and thanked her for that at the wedding, and was enveloped in a giant hug and lots of praise for having the guts to come out. She even thanked me; apparently it's an ongoing argument in her family, with her and her siblings on one side and her parents and extended family on the other. (Her husband is awesome; I don't know where his extended family sits. I've never met them!) That feeling of support is what I'm trying to focus on, and the fact that I know Erin, the bride, is happy with whatever makes me happy. (She even asked about DK in the spring when I saw her!)
There's something else that's been cooking in my head, and it's the concept of oversharing. I've touched on it before, but haven't really been able to put into words. But it's heavily influenced the way I feel of late, so maybe I'll use my real-life example. There's this idea that sharing is good, but sometimes it's not.
My mom told me that my favorite aunt, the one I think isn't speaking to me anymore, got into a heated debate on the evils of Teh Gay with my dad when Prop 8 was going on, even though my dad kept responding with, "I love you dearly, but I don't want to talk about this." I also know, thanks to my mom, that this same aunt was horrified when she saw I was publishing smut. (She missed the gay part, I'm guessing.) If I didn't know any of that, I probably wouldn't have noticed if she was speaking to me or not (the family is really big enough not to speak to someone several visits in a row). But I do know that she disapproves of everything I do and am, only she doesn't know I know, and so... I can't address it, because she didn't say anything to me (and saying I found out would tell her that my parents broke her confidence, and maybe she didn't say anything to me because she was trying not to hurt me, which somehow makes it worse -- like she's getting punished for trying to do the right thing). But I know about it, anyway. And if I didn't know about it... things would be the same, except I would be happier.
I've had this happen a bit, lately, where someone tells me something that only makes me mad or hurts me. Something that I could have happily lived without knowing, something that I can't really address. I suppose all I can do is what I started doing last year with various friends, which was to say, "I'm sorry, please don't tell me what someone else said, they can tell me themselves if they want to. Please don't quote me to other people, either." But see, sometimes sharing really isn't helpful. There's this attitude that you should know what people are saying about you, but I don't think that's true. If they're an adult, they can say it to my face so I can address it. Otherwise, I'm sorry they're struggling; I don't need to be affected, too.
And there's something else I've been chewing on, to do with friends. I have a friend, Danny, who's been my best friend since I was 8 years old. A year ago last Christmas, I pulled him aside because I'd been contacting him but not getting any responses. I asked him if he wanted me to stop, and when he said no and went on at length about how I was his best friend, I told him he needed to contact me back, then, because always contacting him and never hearing back made me feel rejected, and I was really hurt. He was very apologetic, and called me a few times after that. Since then -- a year and a half -- I've contacted him on and off by phone, facebook, text, and email. The only time I get a response is when I ask a direct medical question. When we were in FLA and just 20 minutes from him, he came to visit -- but I found out later that according to his boyfriend, he wasn't going to. It was the boyfriend who convinced him. (Again with the oversharing -- though the boyfriend had no idea that was hurtful, that this was a pattern. He was laughing and rolling his eyes.)
This came to a head when I realized Danny was going to be in SoCal in July, and hadn't even bothered to tell me. I found out through his siblings. First I was hurt just because he hadn't been contacting me BACK, and second because he was going to be here and didn't even bother to tell me, and third because -- shit, I'm willing to drive EIGHT HOURS to see him for an afternoon, but he's not willing to drive 20 minutes to see me?
I'm sure it's benign neglect. Those rare times I do talk to him (January, and before that it was a year earlier... and recently, when I asked a medical question I was embarrassed about, his response left me no doubt that he friend-loves me) I'm left knowing he really still cares. But actions speak louder than words by far, and I'm hurt. I don't know what to do about it right now. I could email him something like this, but I've already told him once, and if he IS trying to dump me... I don't know. I'm living in fear. *wry smile*
Speaking of living in fear, I'm reading a new happy-head book. It's a SARK book (I love those) called Succulent Wild Woman, and I'd like to start writing on it like I was on One Day My Soul Just Opened Up, but I'm not sure I have the time. :( It's a smaller book, so at least the reading goes faster. *laughs* But it's reminding me A) to not live in fear and B) that when you're hurting, it's okay. That's important for me, as -- unsurprisingly -- I'm crashing a bit after all this travel and people. I'm doing mostly pretty well, but I am feeling oddly fragile. Just making sure that I get enough sleep and do what my intuition says (like going home yesterday, though I wanted to stay with Quin. I'm so glad I came home. I got stuff done, and slept in my own bed, and ended the day feeling content rather than distressed at getting nothing done.) I'm having nightmares, but oddly enough, they're not bothering me nearly as much as they normally do. I think it's a good sign. ;)
Finally, I'm moving in two weeks. Hopefully less than two weeks, actually. God, I don't know when I'm going to pack... but I'll figure it out. ;)
So. How are you? *grins*
J