I Wish I Had a Dad Like You
Quote for title from "Hook"
On a normal, day-to-day basis, I've learned to be very positive and optimistic. I feel I've become much better at seeing the good in every single situation. But every once in a while, even the most cheerful person has their downs. And the one subject that never fails to bring me down is when I watch a movie that has to do with a dad's dedication to his children. Tonight alone, I came across "Hook", "17 Again", "Mrs. Doubtfire", and "The 10th Kingdom." In every single one of these, there are those huge moments when the father proves to his child(ren) how much he loves them and how much they mean to him. He would do absolutely anything for them, including- but not limited to- fly, dress in drag, get beat up by a douchebag high school bully, fight off the most dangerous and evil huntsman around, and let his daughter marry and live in another dimension with the Wolf of her dreams. There's nothing these dads wouldn't do for their kids. And if at first they have their faults, eventually, they see the error of their ways, and make it up to them in spades.
So why hasn't my dad seen the error of his ways yet? I know he's a textbook narcissist and I get that he "loves his wife"- but doesn't he miss us? Even if he does, isn't it enough to want to come find me and say "Mollie, it's been two years. I realize that I must have fucked up so badly to have driven you away from me for two whole years, especially since we were ridiculously close for 17 years. I will do anything to have you in my life again." No. Apparently his marriage to this woman who hates Ian and I is more important than his own kids. Apparently his stepchildren are his new kids, replacements, his do-overs. I miss my family. I miss my grandma, my uncles, my cousins... But if I see them, I see him. If I see them, I see Maggie the stepmonster. If I see them, I get lectures convincing me why I am wrong and how badly I'm treating my poor, hurt father. Like I'm not hurt. Like I'm just sitting at home, constantly laughing at the pain I've single-handedly caused my father and my family. Like this was my dastardly plot from the beginning.
I miss my dad so much. My mom tells me not to worry about it, he's not worth it, "look at Ian! He barely thinks about him anymore!" But I do. I can't even go into the Hunter's Creek area without simultaneously hoping and dreading that I'll run into him. I miss him SO. MUCH.
I was always a daddy's girl, and still feel like I am inside, but I feel like I'm not allowed to be anymore, and that he's just letting that happen. That he's too lazy or whipped to do anything about it. When I last lived with him, his hair was brown and he had only a couple of wrinkles. Last time I actually saw him at Freedom High- going to see Michaela sing in choir, not Ian, who just happened to be singing too- I glanced at him, but never looked at him full on. Which was fine because he didn't look at me either, and practically sprinted out the door with my stepsiblings- who I was trying to say hi to after a year and a half- without so much as a "hi". But from what I saw, he has quite a few wrinkles now, and his hair is almost fully gray. I feel like I'm running out of time. I'm 19 and when I talked to him last, I was 17. I'm almost 20 years old. He missed my 18th year. He missed my whole senior year of high school and my freshman year of college. He was even in NYC at one point and I only found out through one of his facebook status'.
I hate this. I miss and love him. But I can't talk to him. I won't. He screwed up our relationship. He won't even help me with college and my mom is unemployed. So thanks for nothing.
On a normal, day-to-day basis, I've learned to be very positive and optimistic. I feel I've become much better at seeing the good in every single situation. But every once in a while, even the most cheerful person has their downs. And the one subject that never fails to bring me down is when I watch a movie that has to do with a dad's dedication to his children. Tonight alone, I came across "Hook", "17 Again", "Mrs. Doubtfire", and "The 10th Kingdom." In every single one of these, there are those huge moments when the father proves to his child(ren) how much he loves them and how much they mean to him. He would do absolutely anything for them, including- but not limited to- fly, dress in drag, get beat up by a douchebag high school bully, fight off the most dangerous and evil huntsman around, and let his daughter marry and live in another dimension with the Wolf of her dreams. There's nothing these dads wouldn't do for their kids. And if at first they have their faults, eventually, they see the error of their ways, and make it up to them in spades.
So why hasn't my dad seen the error of his ways yet? I know he's a textbook narcissist and I get that he "loves his wife"- but doesn't he miss us? Even if he does, isn't it enough to want to come find me and say "Mollie, it's been two years. I realize that I must have fucked up so badly to have driven you away from me for two whole years, especially since we were ridiculously close for 17 years. I will do anything to have you in my life again." No. Apparently his marriage to this woman who hates Ian and I is more important than his own kids. Apparently his stepchildren are his new kids, replacements, his do-overs. I miss my family. I miss my grandma, my uncles, my cousins... But if I see them, I see him. If I see them, I see Maggie the stepmonster. If I see them, I get lectures convincing me why I am wrong and how badly I'm treating my poor, hurt father. Like I'm not hurt. Like I'm just sitting at home, constantly laughing at the pain I've single-handedly caused my father and my family. Like this was my dastardly plot from the beginning.
I miss my dad so much. My mom tells me not to worry about it, he's not worth it, "look at Ian! He barely thinks about him anymore!" But I do. I can't even go into the Hunter's Creek area without simultaneously hoping and dreading that I'll run into him. I miss him SO. MUCH.
I was always a daddy's girl, and still feel like I am inside, but I feel like I'm not allowed to be anymore, and that he's just letting that happen. That he's too lazy or whipped to do anything about it. When I last lived with him, his hair was brown and he had only a couple of wrinkles. Last time I actually saw him at Freedom High- going to see Michaela sing in choir, not Ian, who just happened to be singing too- I glanced at him, but never looked at him full on. Which was fine because he didn't look at me either, and practically sprinted out the door with my stepsiblings- who I was trying to say hi to after a year and a half- without so much as a "hi". But from what I saw, he has quite a few wrinkles now, and his hair is almost fully gray. I feel like I'm running out of time. I'm 19 and when I talked to him last, I was 17. I'm almost 20 years old. He missed my 18th year. He missed my whole senior year of high school and my freshman year of college. He was even in NYC at one point and I only found out through one of his facebook status'.
I hate this. I miss and love him. But I can't talk to him. I won't. He screwed up our relationship. He won't even help me with college and my mom is unemployed. So thanks for nothing.