Holy Shit
What have I done?!
At about 3:30 today I handed over my keys and walked out in the middle of my shift.
I'd spent the first 3 hours of my shift fixing every body elses fuck ups cause I'm the only one who knew how. While doing so I got shit from every single customer I dealt with. The last one sent me over the edge. I left a line of customers and walked to the break room grabbed my phone and hid under the coat rack and began sobbing. I called Kelly. He left work to come get me and stayed with me on the phone the whole time. For two damn hours I couldn't stop sobbing. I told my manager I refuse to be treated this way by customer or managers, threw my keys at him and walked out.
I had a violent reaction in the car. I think I scared Kelly a bit. I was just screamin wordlessly at the top of my lungs. You know, that kind of felt good. I just let it out for once. I screamed and beat the crap out of the dashboard. Now I feel drained and numb.
When we got home Kelly took my meds and locked them up. I'm glad. All I can think about is how nice it would be to just take a huge handful of muscle relaxers, go to sleep and just be done with it all. I'm begining to think that maybe I need to go back to a hospital.
I'm having a really hard time dealing with life right now. Some how I guess I unrealistically thought I would be able to handle life if I just got away from Adam. While I still know that leaving was the healthy thing for me, it wasn't as magic fix. Not that I really ever thought that just leaving him would make everything better. I knew it was still going to be hard. I'm just finding that I am sinking simply under the weight of living.
I know I am not reacting in proper proportion to the situation and that just upsets me more and then I'm caught in that downward spiral.
I walked out on my job. I can't even understand that yet. I'm so fucked.
At about 3:30 today I handed over my keys and walked out in the middle of my shift.
I'd spent the first 3 hours of my shift fixing every body elses fuck ups cause I'm the only one who knew how. While doing so I got shit from every single customer I dealt with. The last one sent me over the edge. I left a line of customers and walked to the break room grabbed my phone and hid under the coat rack and began sobbing. I called Kelly. He left work to come get me and stayed with me on the phone the whole time. For two damn hours I couldn't stop sobbing. I told my manager I refuse to be treated this way by customer or managers, threw my keys at him and walked out.
I had a violent reaction in the car. I think I scared Kelly a bit. I was just screamin wordlessly at the top of my lungs. You know, that kind of felt good. I just let it out for once. I screamed and beat the crap out of the dashboard. Now I feel drained and numb.
When we got home Kelly took my meds and locked them up. I'm glad. All I can think about is how nice it would be to just take a huge handful of muscle relaxers, go to sleep and just be done with it all. I'm begining to think that maybe I need to go back to a hospital.
I'm having a really hard time dealing with life right now. Some how I guess I unrealistically thought I would be able to handle life if I just got away from Adam. While I still know that leaving was the healthy thing for me, it wasn't as magic fix. Not that I really ever thought that just leaving him would make everything better. I knew it was still going to be hard. I'm just finding that I am sinking simply under the weight of living.
I know I am not reacting in proper proportion to the situation and that just upsets me more and then I'm caught in that downward spiral.
I walked out on my job. I can't even understand that yet. I'm so fucked.