250 - In Scotland...
It has been a long, long time since I wrote, but I think I have good reason. My health has spun off the rails in the past several months. After I got married, my father died, unexpectedly. We're still dealing with some of the fall-out: find these bills, get that policy. I've tried to be gentle and kind with myself, since I didn't expect my father to die so soon after moving back to Baltimore. I'm honoring my grief and letting it pass, so feel somewhat healthy on that front. But my health has suffered.
I looked back through this journal from August of last year and realized I have gained 25 pounds in a year. While I know there could be some weight gain from my father's death and the grieving process, I think I just let it go entirely out of control. It's like reckless abandon over here. Fidget got himself a promotion, so now there's more money. And instead of still being frugal and preparing meals and getting the process into a routine, I buy more food from the food trucks and we order in. Without barriers, it's a willy-nilly spend fest. And with that comes the eating fest.
I've had more nights in the past several months when I can hear myself saying internally that I don't need to finish a plate, but I do. Or that I can get over a craving, but I don't. Or that it's pure gluttony that's causing this, not to mention sloth. Or the nights where I actually feel uncomfortably full and complain to my new husband about how we shouldn't have gotten dessert.
I know logically that 2018 was a helluva year. Highlights were:1. My disability because of a cervical fusion and being out for over a month.
2. Getting married. It was an emotional roller coaster, but so happy to have done that! And done it well!
3. Da-ee died. On our eight-year dating anniversary. Way to close the loop, Da-ee.
And now I'm reporting from Scotland, which is where we're spending our delayed honeymoon to participate in Hogmanay. We carried torches last night and I'm trying to not be horribly overwhelmed by so many people with way different accents as I seemingly take part in this international street party tonight.
It was this trip where I finally realized that I am Not Well. I felt it when we were in the plane seats, both of us smooshed in there as we flew across the ocean. And I really felt it when we were walking to Edinburgh Castle. So many steps and then a hilly terrain. I got to the top to go into the castle and the outside of my calves burned and I was breathing heavy, taking off various outerwear because of how hot I'd become.
I noticed my thoughts seem to revolve around food: when's the next time we're eating? Where are we going? These thoughts used to be based on money and planning, but now it's more to make sure we eat enough. Which is ludicrous, since there's a high probability we won't pass out from not enough food. I think I'm becoming more aware of the compulsion and then somewhat irritated by our lack of planning and prepping and the money spent on being lazy.
I bought a meal preparation course that I have been perusing. I want to see if we could spend 2-3 hours on the weekend to get us some good food lined up. And then try to get more movement in. I had made some significant progress, and then it all went to hell over the past couple of years.
Momma is relatively stable medically, so I only need to go for appointments once or twice a month. Da-ee was 3-4 times a week! One of the plans has been to go to the gym, then shower at Momma's, hang out for an hour, then go to work. I'm hoping that this vacation brings about some much-needed relaxation and brainspace.
One of the prompts that is related to the meal preparation course I bought has been sending emails focused on fitness and goals, living an overall healthier life. I originally started this post to take advantage of some of the downtime to look into myself and figure out what I want this to be. I decided to put this here:
Prompt: Thank about your ideal, most authentic self. Who is this person? If you were your Ideal Self, what decisions would you make? What habits would you have? How would you live your life? How would you show up for others, and yourself? How would you eat? How would you take care of your body? What would you prioritize? What would you not do? How would you react?
Part of the issue is I don't show up for myself. I don't prioritize my health, my mental health, or anything for myself. So to see how I would show up for others is almost a detriment to me finding the balance for myself. I had prioritized my parents for over a year. I prioritized Fidget's state of being comfortable. I had prioritized getting things done and put myself by the wayside, when in actuality, I should have paid my own personal "debts" first before trying to smooth out others'.
Humph. Let's break this down.
This Person is kind to herself before she is kind to others. This person makes herself a priority for mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical wellness.
Decisions are made to prioritize the Self. I have worked on boundaries with my mother, so I think that is going well. I think I need to work on boundaries with myself regarding work to be done and being kind to myself, since I'm only one person.
Habits would include: journalling/planning, better self-care regimen, increasing food prep and eating more healthful choices, and exercising/increasing movement on a more regular basis.
I would live my life intentionally. I think I have been putting out a lot of fires, so need to better organize those systems. And when I get tired or feel overwhelmed, that is okay, too. I need to better balance what I want to accomplish for the day/week/month so I can give myself space to be better and show up for myself.
React: I think I would better react to coworkers if I had better balance everywhere else. If I was better at filling my personal cup, I could be better at dealing with others' emotions at a coworker's level. I really struggled with that this year, and it's continued to be an ongoing theme in my professional life.
Eat, Take Care of Body, Not Do: I think by putting more effort into planning things, I will have a better balance with eating habits and my exercise regimen. And then there would not be this weird quasi-binges or concerns about my health or feeling bad about myself in a plane.
Overall, I struggle with procrastination and feeling like I "deserve" things. This trip to Scotland is perhaps an once-in-a-lifetime event, so I can indulge and spend too much money and generally have a good time. But in the States? In the States, I still have access food-wise to whatever I want. When I go to Philly or my now-planned trip to Phoenix, maybe that's when we indulge, not when we go on a date night. We don't need appetizers and desserts and big meals when we can go back tomorrow.
And deserving to sleep in and not exercise is another issue. I need to prioritize that I deserve this exercise class or to eat healthfully or save money for a future house or another overseas trip. And what am I deserving? Because I haven't prioritized myself, so feel like I deserve extra calories because I worked especially hard that day? That makes absolutely no sense in logic. I know it's emotional. I need to front load my self-care so I'm not thrown off track by accidents or events popping up.
Maybe all of this boils down to intention...
... I need to be intentional with myself.
I looked back through this journal from August of last year and realized I have gained 25 pounds in a year. While I know there could be some weight gain from my father's death and the grieving process, I think I just let it go entirely out of control. It's like reckless abandon over here. Fidget got himself a promotion, so now there's more money. And instead of still being frugal and preparing meals and getting the process into a routine, I buy more food from the food trucks and we order in. Without barriers, it's a willy-nilly spend fest. And with that comes the eating fest.
I've had more nights in the past several months when I can hear myself saying internally that I don't need to finish a plate, but I do. Or that I can get over a craving, but I don't. Or that it's pure gluttony that's causing this, not to mention sloth. Or the nights where I actually feel uncomfortably full and complain to my new husband about how we shouldn't have gotten dessert.
I know logically that 2018 was a helluva year. Highlights were:1. My disability because of a cervical fusion and being out for over a month.
2. Getting married. It was an emotional roller coaster, but so happy to have done that! And done it well!
3. Da-ee died. On our eight-year dating anniversary. Way to close the loop, Da-ee.
And now I'm reporting from Scotland, which is where we're spending our delayed honeymoon to participate in Hogmanay. We carried torches last night and I'm trying to not be horribly overwhelmed by so many people with way different accents as I seemingly take part in this international street party tonight.
It was this trip where I finally realized that I am Not Well. I felt it when we were in the plane seats, both of us smooshed in there as we flew across the ocean. And I really felt it when we were walking to Edinburgh Castle. So many steps and then a hilly terrain. I got to the top to go into the castle and the outside of my calves burned and I was breathing heavy, taking off various outerwear because of how hot I'd become.
I noticed my thoughts seem to revolve around food: when's the next time we're eating? Where are we going? These thoughts used to be based on money and planning, but now it's more to make sure we eat enough. Which is ludicrous, since there's a high probability we won't pass out from not enough food. I think I'm becoming more aware of the compulsion and then somewhat irritated by our lack of planning and prepping and the money spent on being lazy.
I bought a meal preparation course that I have been perusing. I want to see if we could spend 2-3 hours on the weekend to get us some good food lined up. And then try to get more movement in. I had made some significant progress, and then it all went to hell over the past couple of years.
Momma is relatively stable medically, so I only need to go for appointments once or twice a month. Da-ee was 3-4 times a week! One of the plans has been to go to the gym, then shower at Momma's, hang out for an hour, then go to work. I'm hoping that this vacation brings about some much-needed relaxation and brainspace.
One of the prompts that is related to the meal preparation course I bought has been sending emails focused on fitness and goals, living an overall healthier life. I originally started this post to take advantage of some of the downtime to look into myself and figure out what I want this to be. I decided to put this here:
Prompt: Thank about your ideal, most authentic self. Who is this person? If you were your Ideal Self, what decisions would you make? What habits would you have? How would you live your life? How would you show up for others, and yourself? How would you eat? How would you take care of your body? What would you prioritize? What would you not do? How would you react?
Part of the issue is I don't show up for myself. I don't prioritize my health, my mental health, or anything for myself. So to see how I would show up for others is almost a detriment to me finding the balance for myself. I had prioritized my parents for over a year. I prioritized Fidget's state of being comfortable. I had prioritized getting things done and put myself by the wayside, when in actuality, I should have paid my own personal "debts" first before trying to smooth out others'.
Humph. Let's break this down.
This Person is kind to herself before she is kind to others. This person makes herself a priority for mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical wellness.
Decisions are made to prioritize the Self. I have worked on boundaries with my mother, so I think that is going well. I think I need to work on boundaries with myself regarding work to be done and being kind to myself, since I'm only one person.
Habits would include: journalling/planning, better self-care regimen, increasing food prep and eating more healthful choices, and exercising/increasing movement on a more regular basis.
I would live my life intentionally. I think I have been putting out a lot of fires, so need to better organize those systems. And when I get tired or feel overwhelmed, that is okay, too. I need to better balance what I want to accomplish for the day/week/month so I can give myself space to be better and show up for myself.
React: I think I would better react to coworkers if I had better balance everywhere else. If I was better at filling my personal cup, I could be better at dealing with others' emotions at a coworker's level. I really struggled with that this year, and it's continued to be an ongoing theme in my professional life.
Eat, Take Care of Body, Not Do: I think by putting more effort into planning things, I will have a better balance with eating habits and my exercise regimen. And then there would not be this weird quasi-binges or concerns about my health or feeling bad about myself in a plane.
Overall, I struggle with procrastination and feeling like I "deserve" things. This trip to Scotland is perhaps an once-in-a-lifetime event, so I can indulge and spend too much money and generally have a good time. But in the States? In the States, I still have access food-wise to whatever I want. When I go to Philly or my now-planned trip to Phoenix, maybe that's when we indulge, not when we go on a date night. We don't need appetizers and desserts and big meals when we can go back tomorrow.
And deserving to sleep in and not exercise is another issue. I need to prioritize that I deserve this exercise class or to eat healthfully or save money for a future house or another overseas trip. And what am I deserving? Because I haven't prioritized myself, so feel like I deserve extra calories because I worked especially hard that day? That makes absolutely no sense in logic. I know it's emotional. I need to front load my self-care so I'm not thrown off track by accidents or events popping up.
Maybe all of this boils down to intention...
... I need to be intentional with myself.