My weekend
This weekend unlike any other weekend actually went by too slow. It was painfully one of those weekends where I was lost in my thoughts and I still am. I feel depression coming on and when I feel this way it causes me to have an emotional kaleidoscope. My thought about my current girlfriend not being right for me, thoughts about my ex girlfriend being with someone else, my ex being right for me but wrong for me too in so many way...too many to even count. Maybe I wasn't ready to be in a relationship after her for a while. Who knows?!?!?
Why do I continue to think that someone else has to be in my life for me to be happy? Probably because I don't have many friends and continue to feel lonely all the time. If I was active I feel so much better. I know what you are thinking reading this. I am sure you are saying that I need to make myself active. Even with having a girlfriend now I still do most things on my own by myself because of the colliding work hours that we have. It's not a great relationship either because she is so insecure on every level, she checks my text messages, asks me who I am on the phone with, where I am...It's constant validation. It gets exhausting. My thoughts are already tarnished after this last week, so much that I don't know how much longer we will be together. We tried to talk last night and I think she understands but I am sure she won't change.
I have to get on the road to recovery. If that means seein a counselor again then I guess I will have to, even though I feel the time I spend there is too short of a session and there is much more to discuss. We never seem to get to the root of all my issues. I have to rectify in my mind the illusion that I need someone else to make me happy. Maybe it's because I am so close to being alone again when my daughter graduates from high school and heads forward into life.
This weekend I found myself looking at all my accomplishments in life. I don't feel very successful. Money has been very tight which doesn't help. I wish I could afford to fix a few things around the house. I really wish I could go on that trip to Mexico for a week to get away. That has to be part of the plan for next year along with paying off my debt.
I wish I had an online friend even to roll things off of. God that sounds pretty pathetic doesn't it?
Let's hope that this week has something better in store for me. Vacation next week will be a welcomed with open arms.
Why do I continue to think that someone else has to be in my life for me to be happy? Probably because I don't have many friends and continue to feel lonely all the time. If I was active I feel so much better. I know what you are thinking reading this. I am sure you are saying that I need to make myself active. Even with having a girlfriend now I still do most things on my own by myself because of the colliding work hours that we have. It's not a great relationship either because she is so insecure on every level, she checks my text messages, asks me who I am on the phone with, where I am...It's constant validation. It gets exhausting. My thoughts are already tarnished after this last week, so much that I don't know how much longer we will be together. We tried to talk last night and I think she understands but I am sure she won't change.
I have to get on the road to recovery. If that means seein a counselor again then I guess I will have to, even though I feel the time I spend there is too short of a session and there is much more to discuss. We never seem to get to the root of all my issues. I have to rectify in my mind the illusion that I need someone else to make me happy. Maybe it's because I am so close to being alone again when my daughter graduates from high school and heads forward into life.
This weekend I found myself looking at all my accomplishments in life. I don't feel very successful. Money has been very tight which doesn't help. I wish I could afford to fix a few things around the house. I really wish I could go on that trip to Mexico for a week to get away. That has to be part of the plan for next year along with paying off my debt.
I wish I had an online friend even to roll things off of. God that sounds pretty pathetic doesn't it?
Let's hope that this week has something better in store for me. Vacation next week will be a welcomed with open arms.