Falling in love is Easy
I's definately not a relationship expert. In fact I'm pretty damn awful at chosing a mate. I have had parteners that have cheated, have stolen, have abused drugs or alcohol or prescription pills, been in AA, been married or not yet divorced. Some of these women were different races with different religions. You name the situation and I can assure you that some of my stories will trump most if not all of yours, your friends or your families heart wrenching stories. As a matter of a fact, two of my stories would have made LIfetime Channel movies. I may touch on those someday but not today. The stories are far too long and involved.
I take part in a great deal of failures in these relationships. When I was younger I was physically and mentally abusive. I have gone through many counseling sessions for anger management and depression. Some sessions were lucrative but others I felt told me what I already knew. I am proud to say that I am alot better then where I was many years ago. I defined what was wrong with me and sought out the help on my own. I faced the ugly side of myself because I knew I had a sickness that I wasn't able to deal with on my own. I was very hard. To this day I do feel I need counceling but not for anger but depression. I used to feel like it would be easier to be dead and often thought of suicide because the mental pain was unbearable...that's not the case anymore. I often feel the following:
- I don't deserve a relationship that is good - I feel since I have hurt so many others long the way that I should have some kind of penance associated with my relationships. I don't deserve to feel good.
- A sense of accomplishment - This is two fold because I feel I am NOT where I want to be in my life. I feel that what I do for a living doesn't matter to anyone. I feel the need to leave my mark but don't know how. Secondly, I feel that what I do is never good enough. I am productive at work and do my job quite well. I just think my accomplishments could be better. Some suggest this is normal and an actual good thing because it drives you and motvates and individual. I think it can be counterproductive and in my case it feels exhausting.
-Love - I feel like I am constantly searching for love and may be forcing the issue with the wrong partners.
I have been in some really good relationships that I manage to fuck up either by cheating or getting bored or impatient. At my age I really don't have time for the games. Dating makes me sick to my stomach. It really is a huge hassle to learn about a person. I don't have the time to get through all the bullshit, find out the person isn't right and move on. I thought when I reached my 40's the games would stop but quite frankly some are worse. I tried my luck a few times on daing sites to either find one of two things. The women are liars and still married or in serious relationships looking for that excitement again or they are so damaged from previous experiences on these sites or previous marriages most sound like they hate men.
My last realtionship was witha girl who told me she was still "technically married" after a few months. I walked away from it but couldn't stay away because I thought she was sweet, sexy, my age and the sex was great. I stayed because she promised she would go through the divorce process because she loved me. I can honestly say I loved her too. Problem was that it too her 10 months to file and by the time the divorce happened I because impatient, her kids disliked mebecause they wanted her with their dad and she still wanted to help her ex out financially. She still texts me on occasions saying that she misses me and it's hard not to call her for a quick little fling but it would do more damage then it is worth.
I don't trust anyone that tells me they love me anymore and that scares me. Too many along the way have told me that within the first 2 weeks. It's very scary that some use the word love and it seems to be so damn easy for them. I still look at those 3 words to be very sacred. I may like that actor or like that song but I love only things in my life that are tangible...like my children.
I hope to grow and learn more about love in my life. I hope that person comes along some day that truly loves me. I want to feel it more then hear it. Actions do speak volumes in my life. I just hope I am truthful and fair to that person.
For now I want to leave this link that I could totally relate to. It's a great read and was very spot on about how some men view dating.
Enjoy!
http://elitedaily.com/dating/im-guy-stopped-dating-found-next-best-thing/954714/
I take part in a great deal of failures in these relationships. When I was younger I was physically and mentally abusive. I have gone through many counseling sessions for anger management and depression. Some sessions were lucrative but others I felt told me what I already knew. I am proud to say that I am alot better then where I was many years ago. I defined what was wrong with me and sought out the help on my own. I faced the ugly side of myself because I knew I had a sickness that I wasn't able to deal with on my own. I was very hard. To this day I do feel I need counceling but not for anger but depression. I used to feel like it would be easier to be dead and often thought of suicide because the mental pain was unbearable...that's not the case anymore. I often feel the following:
- I don't deserve a relationship that is good - I feel since I have hurt so many others long the way that I should have some kind of penance associated with my relationships. I don't deserve to feel good.
- A sense of accomplishment - This is two fold because I feel I am NOT where I want to be in my life. I feel that what I do for a living doesn't matter to anyone. I feel the need to leave my mark but don't know how. Secondly, I feel that what I do is never good enough. I am productive at work and do my job quite well. I just think my accomplishments could be better. Some suggest this is normal and an actual good thing because it drives you and motvates and individual. I think it can be counterproductive and in my case it feels exhausting.
-Love - I feel like I am constantly searching for love and may be forcing the issue with the wrong partners.
I have been in some really good relationships that I manage to fuck up either by cheating or getting bored or impatient. At my age I really don't have time for the games. Dating makes me sick to my stomach. It really is a huge hassle to learn about a person. I don't have the time to get through all the bullshit, find out the person isn't right and move on. I thought when I reached my 40's the games would stop but quite frankly some are worse. I tried my luck a few times on daing sites to either find one of two things. The women are liars and still married or in serious relationships looking for that excitement again or they are so damaged from previous experiences on these sites or previous marriages most sound like they hate men.
My last realtionship was witha girl who told me she was still "technically married" after a few months. I walked away from it but couldn't stay away because I thought she was sweet, sexy, my age and the sex was great. I stayed because she promised she would go through the divorce process because she loved me. I can honestly say I loved her too. Problem was that it too her 10 months to file and by the time the divorce happened I because impatient, her kids disliked mebecause they wanted her with their dad and she still wanted to help her ex out financially. She still texts me on occasions saying that she misses me and it's hard not to call her for a quick little fling but it would do more damage then it is worth.
I don't trust anyone that tells me they love me anymore and that scares me. Too many along the way have told me that within the first 2 weeks. It's very scary that some use the word love and it seems to be so damn easy for them. I still look at those 3 words to be very sacred. I may like that actor or like that song but I love only things in my life that are tangible...like my children.
I hope to grow and learn more about love in my life. I hope that person comes along some day that truly loves me. I want to feel it more then hear it. Actions do speak volumes in my life. I just hope I am truthful and fair to that person.
For now I want to leave this link that I could totally relate to. It's a great read and was very spot on about how some men view dating.
Enjoy!
http://elitedaily.com/dating/im-guy-stopped-dating-found-next-best-thing/954714/