It's like I live in a bank....a bank where I never get any food
So I don't mind that I am expected to pay my dad back when he lends me money. I really don't. I know I need to pay it back to him, and I do. But when he starts making LISTS of all the amounts of money my sister and I owe him, crossing off what we've paid, and CIRCLING what we haven't, I start to think it constitutes a rolling of my eyes, and an obligitory "oh, COME ON!" Even beside the fact that he has written down an amount that I don't even owe him. Nice, dad, try to cheat your own daughter out of her money.
Honestly, I know what I owe him, and I don't need him to put it in writing, just so he can pound into my head a little harder that I'm nothing but a poor college student who depends on her parents for everything she does. I'd like to think I have a little more worth than that, but when he makes lists of what I owe him, like I have the money to pay it all back at this very second, it makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit because of exactly that. I CAN'T pay it all back right now this second. I started my job 2 months ago, and not ONE of my checks has been completely mine. I have so many things I have to pay for this semester, people I owed money to, I have to pay $300 sorority dues, as if I have that kind of money to throw into an organization that I don't get anything but aggravation out of right now. I'm buying my own books, I pay for my own gas, I DON'T HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD. I have nothing. I am a POOR COLLEGE STUDENT. I have absolutely nothing.
I wish sometimes he would understand that.
When I breed, and my kids ask me for money, I will ALWAYS give it to them, even if it is my last dollar. And I will NEVER expect it back. Because this just makes me feel like I have no worth at all.
What I want most in the entire world, is to be able to support myself without the help of anyone else. I want to be independent, and not rely on anyone for anything, ESPECIALLY money.
This blows.
Oh and also, SOMETIMES I WANT TO EAT THINGS THAT COME INTO THIS HOUSE. Honest to God, if I don't eat something within 2 days of it being in the house, i don't get any of it. EVEN IF IT WAS FOR ME!!!!!!!!!! My sister brought home fudge for me, half a slice of Chocolate Peanut Butter, and half a slice of Chocolate for my dad. I had the tiniest piece of it when she first gave it to me, because it was frozen and i couldn't cut it, and that was two days ago. I hadn't had any of it since, and I walked into the kitchen today, the fudge box was on the counter and there was a tiny chunk of mine left. My dad had eaten the rest of it, and left me with a little piece of what my sister brought home for ME. I didn't eat any of his. I didn't eat any at all. That's how it always goes around here. There will be ice cream in the freezer, but if I don't stuff my face with it in the first day and a half it's in the house like everyone else does, I don't get any of it because it's gone. And I'm not generally one to stuff my face with anything. Therefore, I just don't get any of the food that comes into this house. I cannot WAIT to move out. I can't stand it here.
I'm going to Austin's to watch The Notebook. Maybe tonight I'll try to NOT bitch and vent like I always do to him. I can't wait to move out of here and in with him. It will be so much less stressful.
Tonight fucking blows.
Honestly, I know what I owe him, and I don't need him to put it in writing, just so he can pound into my head a little harder that I'm nothing but a poor college student who depends on her parents for everything she does. I'd like to think I have a little more worth than that, but when he makes lists of what I owe him, like I have the money to pay it all back at this very second, it makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit because of exactly that. I CAN'T pay it all back right now this second. I started my job 2 months ago, and not ONE of my checks has been completely mine. I have so many things I have to pay for this semester, people I owed money to, I have to pay $300 sorority dues, as if I have that kind of money to throw into an organization that I don't get anything but aggravation out of right now. I'm buying my own books, I pay for my own gas, I DON'T HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD. I have nothing. I am a POOR COLLEGE STUDENT. I have absolutely nothing.
I wish sometimes he would understand that.
When I breed, and my kids ask me for money, I will ALWAYS give it to them, even if it is my last dollar. And I will NEVER expect it back. Because this just makes me feel like I have no worth at all.
What I want most in the entire world, is to be able to support myself without the help of anyone else. I want to be independent, and not rely on anyone for anything, ESPECIALLY money.
This blows.
Oh and also, SOMETIMES I WANT TO EAT THINGS THAT COME INTO THIS HOUSE. Honest to God, if I don't eat something within 2 days of it being in the house, i don't get any of it. EVEN IF IT WAS FOR ME!!!!!!!!!! My sister brought home fudge for me, half a slice of Chocolate Peanut Butter, and half a slice of Chocolate for my dad. I had the tiniest piece of it when she first gave it to me, because it was frozen and i couldn't cut it, and that was two days ago. I hadn't had any of it since, and I walked into the kitchen today, the fudge box was on the counter and there was a tiny chunk of mine left. My dad had eaten the rest of it, and left me with a little piece of what my sister brought home for ME. I didn't eat any of his. I didn't eat any at all. That's how it always goes around here. There will be ice cream in the freezer, but if I don't stuff my face with it in the first day and a half it's in the house like everyone else does, I don't get any of it because it's gone. And I'm not generally one to stuff my face with anything. Therefore, I just don't get any of the food that comes into this house. I cannot WAIT to move out. I can't stand it here.
I'm going to Austin's to watch The Notebook. Maybe tonight I'll try to NOT bitch and vent like I always do to him. I can't wait to move out of here and in with him. It will be so much less stressful.
Tonight fucking blows.