[cancer] There's acceptance; then there's whatever the hell this is that I do

[jaylake]

tl;dr summary: cancer sucks and I hate it

This morning I am reluctantly admitting I'd probably better not go see Cloud Atlas [ imdb ] in the theater today. Which is basically admitting I won't see it in the theater at all. Pretty much by definition, today is the best day I'll have until about next May or June, with the possible exception of a few

Comments

[mevennen]

Trevor was absolutely fucking livid throughout his treatment. He's still pissed off. He was told by one of the oncology nurses that they prefer the angry patients because they tend to live longer. It's your illness and it's up to you how you respond to it. I am sorry about the movie, though.

[kshandra]

I was about to make the same comment. The longer you're angry, the longer you'll fight. (And even if you beat the increasingly-long odds, it's okay to stay pissed off. It's been almost 17 years since gridlore was declared cancer-free, and to this day, hardly a week goes buy where he doesn't curse what it did to him.)

You and yours remain in my thoughts, Jay.

[inflectionpoint]

This! I am not fighting cancer and don't know a damn thing about it, except for what I've seen friends go through, but angry often means willing to fight and keep going when the other choice is to die.

So be angry. If it keeps you moving, it's good. I found that pure rage was what got me through the worst years of recovery from childhood abuse. That discomforts people and angers some of them, but I'm here. I'm functioning. That was not guaranteed. I beat some really bad odds, not because I was angry, but because anger let me move and fight and do the things that were the only way to even try to beat the odds.

Whatever works for you as best it can is what you need to do.

You are in my thoughts.

[cathshaffer]

I endorse your negative feelings. I watched my mother go through this. She also suffered the indignity of severe GI disruption. She swung between diarrhea and constipation. More than once, we had to take her in on an emergency basis for intractible constipation. Once, I recall them saying she badly needed an enema, but they couldn't do it because her blood counts were too low. The pain, the loss, the limitations on your freedom--these things are intolerable, beyond unfair. You have all of the negative feelings you want. What is happening to you is not okay

[mcjulie]

"You go ahead and scream all you want, because that shit hurts"

If I am ever in the position of guiding a pregnant woman through labor, I am totally using this.

Also, there's clinical evidence that screaming and swearing actually does reduce pain.

[cathshaffer]

I am not at all surprised. As I recall, screaming didn't lessen my pain, but it was rather satisfying.

[mizkit]

Hah. Not to hijack Jay's thread, but having had a nurse tell me "Now you've got that out of your system, stop screaming, it wastes energy," when I let out a scream during labor, I gave her such a look of hatred she left immediately and never returned.

More on point, seems to me that rage is an extremely appropriate response, and I think I'd be embracing it too.

[swan_tower]

My opinion, standing outside any situation even vaguely resembling yours, is of extremely dubious value -- but this makes sense to me. Acceptance as the opposite of denial, sure. But acceptance as the opposite of struggling? There may come a time for that, but if the time isn't now (and you're the only one who can judge that), then by all means, keep fighting.

[sdn]

Jay -- I am with you in rage. I send my energy and anger and love.

[mcjulie]

You have the right to anger. You have the right to as much anger as anybody has ever had.