(no subject)
I've been thinking, and I think that the meaning in my life is often and perhaps too often defined by the people in it. This is perhaps why I always have a desperate need to be in love with someone, because if I'm not then I have no one to live for and this is also perhaps why I may eventually have to raise some children because then I'm living for them and not for myself, which I apparently cannot do.
I'd like to think that all this means that I'm not a selfish person, but I really don't think that's true. Is it possible to a life to be meaningless yet also intensely selfish? What is the point of selfishness if there is no greater significance?
If life is absurd, why couldn't I be absurdly happy? Those aren't my words, but I like them and they fit here appropriately.
Sometimes I like to pretend like I'm rather philosophical and profound. I suppose being a philosophy major will do that to you.
But it is much easier to be brilliant when no one listens to you.
I have also been thinking a lot about the dichotomy between the person I aspire to be and the person I actually am. And for the last two years I have been this sort of character that I created that is mostly like me only some of the flaws (or at least what I perceived as flaws) were corrected in a way. But the funny thing is the flaws were still there and I could see them and so could everyone else even though I thought that they couldn't. So...I think maybe I'll try to just be the person I actually am and see what happens. Even though "just being yourself" is rather cliche, I just can't think of anything else to do.
That thought has more depth and is less nonsensical in my head. But I don't feel like elaborating. Remember, as Dumbledore said, I prefer not to put all my secrets in one basket. Or, in my case, one livejournal entry.
You know what's funny. I pronounced the word 'facade' incorrectly for years.
You know what's funny. The person I aspire to be really places a lot of importance on college rankings, but the person I actually am couldn't care less. I'm still going to go obsessively over the lists however. Having dual personalities can be rather fun, and I'll always have a constant companion in my other self.
You know what else is funny. A lot of Minnesota colleges are really outspoken against the rankings and how you really can't quantify a college experience, yet most of them still participated in the peer review section of the rankings system. They don't like people looking at them under the microscope, but they still love to point out every visible flaw that they can find in their peers. St. Olaf didn't do the peer review part, though. That makes me proud.
I'm thinking that this is going to be a good year. The person I aspire to be has a lot more existential crises than the person I actually am. Or maybe it's the other way around...
Has anyone else ever noticed how most of the things mentioned in Alanis Morrissette's song "Ironic" aren't actually ironic? Except for that bit about having ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. That's pretty fucking ironic.
Here is a conversation overheard on One Life To Live:
Girl: Don't touch me!
Boy: Wha?! Just a minute ago you wanted me to touch you all over!
*pauses*
Boy: You know, you don't have to have sex with me to keep me around...
*later in the conversation*
Boy: Mmm, you taste like chocolate.
Girl: Mmm, I know...
I was thinking the other day about how cool it would be to be a star, because everyone looks at you in awe and wonderment and you get to be eternal. But then I realized that not even stars are really eternal. Eventually they will burn out. Won't that be depressing one night when someone is looking at the big dipper and all of the sudden one of the stars burns out and goes dark? Even the universe itself, the most eternal thing that we can perceive, will eventually start contracting back into itself and suck up everything into a giant black hole of nothingness. That kind of sucks.
After reading all of this, you'll probably just think I'm a tool. But I'm really tired, so the joke is on you.
I'd like to think that all this means that I'm not a selfish person, but I really don't think that's true. Is it possible to a life to be meaningless yet also intensely selfish? What is the point of selfishness if there is no greater significance?
If life is absurd, why couldn't I be absurdly happy? Those aren't my words, but I like them and they fit here appropriately.
Sometimes I like to pretend like I'm rather philosophical and profound. I suppose being a philosophy major will do that to you.
But it is much easier to be brilliant when no one listens to you.
I have also been thinking a lot about the dichotomy between the person I aspire to be and the person I actually am. And for the last two years I have been this sort of character that I created that is mostly like me only some of the flaws (or at least what I perceived as flaws) were corrected in a way. But the funny thing is the flaws were still there and I could see them and so could everyone else even though I thought that they couldn't. So...I think maybe I'll try to just be the person I actually am and see what happens. Even though "just being yourself" is rather cliche, I just can't think of anything else to do.
That thought has more depth and is less nonsensical in my head. But I don't feel like elaborating. Remember, as Dumbledore said, I prefer not to put all my secrets in one basket. Or, in my case, one livejournal entry.
You know what's funny. I pronounced the word 'facade' incorrectly for years.
You know what's funny. The person I aspire to be really places a lot of importance on college rankings, but the person I actually am couldn't care less. I'm still going to go obsessively over the lists however. Having dual personalities can be rather fun, and I'll always have a constant companion in my other self.
You know what else is funny. A lot of Minnesota colleges are really outspoken against the rankings and how you really can't quantify a college experience, yet most of them still participated in the peer review section of the rankings system. They don't like people looking at them under the microscope, but they still love to point out every visible flaw that they can find in their peers. St. Olaf didn't do the peer review part, though. That makes me proud.
I'm thinking that this is going to be a good year. The person I aspire to be has a lot more existential crises than the person I actually am. Or maybe it's the other way around...
Has anyone else ever noticed how most of the things mentioned in Alanis Morrissette's song "Ironic" aren't actually ironic? Except for that bit about having ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. That's pretty fucking ironic.
Here is a conversation overheard on One Life To Live:
Girl: Don't touch me!
Boy: Wha?! Just a minute ago you wanted me to touch you all over!
*pauses*
Boy: You know, you don't have to have sex with me to keep me around...
*later in the conversation*
Boy: Mmm, you taste like chocolate.
Girl: Mmm, I know...
I was thinking the other day about how cool it would be to be a star, because everyone looks at you in awe and wonderment and you get to be eternal. But then I realized that not even stars are really eternal. Eventually they will burn out. Won't that be depressing one night when someone is looking at the big dipper and all of the sudden one of the stars burns out and goes dark? Even the universe itself, the most eternal thing that we can perceive, will eventually start contracting back into itself and suck up everything into a giant black hole of nothingness. That kind of sucks.
After reading all of this, you'll probably just think I'm a tool. But I'm really tired, so the joke is on you.