i know this makes no sense.

[jayisfree]

i haven't been myself lately.

i've been apologizing to everyone repeatedly for the most ridiculous reasons. i remember how much that used to annoy me when other people would do that to me. but it has become my default reaction to just about every situation. which i guess says i feel guilty about something, or take blame for things i should not.
there are plenty of things i feel guilty about, and lots that i blame myself for.
to name them all would be impossible and make me sick.
also, to be fair, i realize that some of them have absolutely nothing to do with me but i cannot shake the feeling that i am responsible. which is stupid. but that's how i feel.

i also have this crazy notion that i am somehow in debt to everyone in my life. for some people this is actually true financially, but for most it is emotionally.
i want to do everything without anyone's help, and i hate hate hate that it is impossible.

whatever. the more i sit and mourn parts of life i missed out on, the more i miss of the present.

i have felt like the biggest failure known to man for as long as i can remember and i don't know if you can fix that within 3 months.