What the heck?
Gee... come to think of it maybe I shouldn't title all of my entries since I suck at it too much. I don't really think I have much of a creative bone in my body anymore. These days I feel that I have lost every single thought of creativity in whatever I do. I am told that I still have it in me, I just have to believe in that fact that it is still a part of who I am. All this kind of makes me think that I should of listened to myself and what I wanted when I was still in high school...but I thought that was also the time that listening to my parents I thought was a good thing?? In this case, I think I regret it.
I took probably a total of 3 years of art courses when I was in high school, I never really believed that I was much of an artist, but apparently people thought that I was "that good". I even had 3 to 4 pieces of my work go to art shows so that everyone could see the crap that I threw together. Funny thing, but one of my abstract art pieces is actually still hanging next to the principal's office at my old high school. One of my mom's co workers who has a kid going to my old high school actually asked her if she was related to the artist that did the work so that is how I found out.
I had the opportunity to go to 2 art schools after high school. I remember one of the calls I received was of a guy from one of the schools up in Minnesota. He wanted to fly down and see my portfolio that I had at the time, and based on that I could even have the pop to do some work for them from home, but the funny thing... My mom took the call and told them that I was "too young" to go to their schools and that I needed to go to college first then "click"... that was the end of that conversation.
I had the opportunity to even go down to a school in Orlando, which was one of my main goals. I wanted to be in the art field, to be an ARTIST, to be able to convey a lot of my thoughts in different forms of media, just to be able to splash it on a palette, paper, a blank anything...To be able to see the colors just come together and form a live version of what was floating around in my head, I guess *shrug*...
Hehe.. then there was that day when I had a conversation with my mother. She knew how much I struggled my whole life with school and was proud of me that I was about to finish with high school. She just assumed that I was going to choose to be what a lot of Filipino parents want out of their daughters, to become a NURSE or a DOCTOR. I looked at her like she was crazy, I wasn't smart enough and dedicated enough for that! I looked her in the eye and told her, "Mom. I want to be an artist"... she in turn looked at me like I was crazy, "DO you realize how many other artists are better than you??? You will make no money and you will be struggling like the rest of them." I still remember that conversation clear as day...Now my mom looks back and regrets all of the shit that she told me back then, she wishes that I would of followed my dreams as opposed to hers...
So what did Jocelyn do after that you ask?? I decided that I would make my parents happy and go into a field that they thought that I would made money in... The medical field. I didn't decide on a nurse or a doctor... but a fuckin Dental Hygienist. Haha makes me laff at the thought it. Why did I do that??
So basically knowing that that was going to be my major in college, I think I fucked up on purpose. I really did try my first semester and just got fed up afterwards. I think I just gave up. I skipped out on a lot of classes and hung out too much with some friends. I had no sense of encouragement except for what I heard my whole entire life from my parents..."Why are you so dumb??? Why don't you ever try enough?" From there, I decided that I was to pay for my classes on my own because of the fact that I didn't think it would be right that I screw up continuously while they paid for me to go full time, so I went part time work part time school. I don't think that worked very well either.
I moved out on my own soon afterwards and was even more broke than ever. That's when I just quit all together...
So where am I and what am I doing? I work at a freakin local hospital switching over paper documents to actual images that the lazy bastard doctors can click on, as opposed to have them sift thru tonz of paperwork. Basically a lot of the medical record charts will be paperless one of these days. I also analyze a lot of the charts that come thru the department and write up doctors that have deficiencies within the charts. What I do sucks and it is a lot of paperwork and I hate life every single day I walk thru that door, makes me wish that I didn't have to screw up like I did...*sigh*
I was planning on finishing college before Danny and I got married... I think it will happen now, it will just be an agonizingly slow slow process. I have to do it to make myself feel like I am complete and that I have accomplished something in life that has been nagging at me...If anything, I need to show my little girl that her mommy succeeded in something that she went for and finished.
All I know is that when Molly gets older, I have to always make sure that I will give her all the support and encouragement that she needs. I know now that my little girl is smart no matter what. That is something that Danny and I have to make sure that we drill into her little head, maybe with that, she won't feel as stupid as her mommy has a majority of her life.
Molly, you are one smart little girl and you will always be, and don't you ever forget that mommy and daddy love you...
I took probably a total of 3 years of art courses when I was in high school, I never really believed that I was much of an artist, but apparently people thought that I was "that good". I even had 3 to 4 pieces of my work go to art shows so that everyone could see the crap that I threw together. Funny thing, but one of my abstract art pieces is actually still hanging next to the principal's office at my old high school. One of my mom's co workers who has a kid going to my old high school actually asked her if she was related to the artist that did the work so that is how I found out.
I had the opportunity to go to 2 art schools after high school. I remember one of the calls I received was of a guy from one of the schools up in Minnesota. He wanted to fly down and see my portfolio that I had at the time, and based on that I could even have the pop to do some work for them from home, but the funny thing... My mom took the call and told them that I was "too young" to go to their schools and that I needed to go to college first then "click"... that was the end of that conversation.
I had the opportunity to even go down to a school in Orlando, which was one of my main goals. I wanted to be in the art field, to be an ARTIST, to be able to convey a lot of my thoughts in different forms of media, just to be able to splash it on a palette, paper, a blank anything...To be able to see the colors just come together and form a live version of what was floating around in my head, I guess *shrug*...
Hehe.. then there was that day when I had a conversation with my mother. She knew how much I struggled my whole life with school and was proud of me that I was about to finish with high school. She just assumed that I was going to choose to be what a lot of Filipino parents want out of their daughters, to become a NURSE or a DOCTOR. I looked at her like she was crazy, I wasn't smart enough and dedicated enough for that! I looked her in the eye and told her, "Mom. I want to be an artist"... she in turn looked at me like I was crazy, "DO you realize how many other artists are better than you??? You will make no money and you will be struggling like the rest of them." I still remember that conversation clear as day...Now my mom looks back and regrets all of the shit that she told me back then, she wishes that I would of followed my dreams as opposed to hers...
So what did Jocelyn do after that you ask?? I decided that I would make my parents happy and go into a field that they thought that I would made money in... The medical field. I didn't decide on a nurse or a doctor... but a fuckin Dental Hygienist. Haha makes me laff at the thought it. Why did I do that??
So basically knowing that that was going to be my major in college, I think I fucked up on purpose. I really did try my first semester and just got fed up afterwards. I think I just gave up. I skipped out on a lot of classes and hung out too much with some friends. I had no sense of encouragement except for what I heard my whole entire life from my parents..."Why are you so dumb??? Why don't you ever try enough?" From there, I decided that I was to pay for my classes on my own because of the fact that I didn't think it would be right that I screw up continuously while they paid for me to go full time, so I went part time work part time school. I don't think that worked very well either.
I moved out on my own soon afterwards and was even more broke than ever. That's when I just quit all together...
So where am I and what am I doing? I work at a freakin local hospital switching over paper documents to actual images that the lazy bastard doctors can click on, as opposed to have them sift thru tonz of paperwork. Basically a lot of the medical record charts will be paperless one of these days. I also analyze a lot of the charts that come thru the department and write up doctors that have deficiencies within the charts. What I do sucks and it is a lot of paperwork and I hate life every single day I walk thru that door, makes me wish that I didn't have to screw up like I did...*sigh*
I was planning on finishing college before Danny and I got married... I think it will happen now, it will just be an agonizingly slow slow process. I have to do it to make myself feel like I am complete and that I have accomplished something in life that has been nagging at me...If anything, I need to show my little girl that her mommy succeeded in something that she went for and finished.
All I know is that when Molly gets older, I have to always make sure that I will give her all the support and encouragement that she needs. I know now that my little girl is smart no matter what. That is something that Danny and I have to make sure that we drill into her little head, maybe with that, she won't feel as stupid as her mommy has a majority of her life.
Molly, you are one smart little girl and you will always be, and don't you ever forget that mommy and daddy love you...