Life happens...
Sometimes when I'm traveling on the road of life, I get confused, scared and hurt. This happens quite often to me - especially lately when I've been easily led and cast aside.
While sitting alone (and fully happy to be doing so) I realized something. And not just realized - but actually believed my own words.
The only other time I was truly in love - I was unsure as hell about the whole situation. I've said "I love you" to a few others - and those seemed to come quite easily. I still believe I loved them at the time - I would never say it unless I felt it. But it was easy. I've always believed that the hardest things are the ones that will mean the most in the end.
Over the past few years - I've fallen in and out of love, thought of suicide too many times to want to mention, done careless things, and felt alive. Instead of waiting around for love to find me, I took an active part in my journey to find love. This meant finding some great people, some who just weren't for me - and even a completely controlling and abusive dickwad. Instead of staying with the bad ones - I've decided to get it over with quick and to move on. I wish more individuals would do this to be honest. You are the only person who really understands who you are and the only one who gets to live YOUR life.
I know people look at me and my situations and think "Wow that girl goes through guys quick. What a slut. Why can't she just find one person?" And the question is, I don't want to settle. I don't want to look back in 10 years and wonder where my youth and happiness went. I'm not a slut - sure I've done a few careless things, but I respect myself and who I chose to be with. To hell with all the people who don't know this, or care.
Since the beginning of the school year (August) I've dated, or was in a relationship with six people. That's on the larger side... but you know what? I've learned with more certainty what I need and want out of a relationship. This means being with someone who loves me for me. Someone who knows that I go to garage sales to buy the Lord of the Rings collective mugs - and not feel ashamed to do so. That's me. I'm a mix of peppy, loud, realistic, optimistic, overly nerdy, loving, passionate, fiery, and easily excitable.
To reiterate - the hardest things are the ones to hold on to.
I've been talking to Tim for about a month now. A whole month. We are not "together" yet. We talked about not dating other people. We both like each other a LOT. He's met my roommates. I think they approve. I've met his friends. His roommate told me that I'm great for him and that he's so much happier since I've been in his life. We're moving rather slow (compared to what I'm used to). Recently I've been wondering what "we" were. I believe I have a right to. But now looking back, I think I've been freaking out a bit too much. What if we weren't "together" for another three months? Sure, I might be a little confused - but the main idea is that I love being around him, he makes me laugh, we have the perfect amount of things in common... the mix is there.
I'm coming to terms with this whole "normal" seeing someone ordeal. We haven't had sex... which is good (most of the time, lol). We lay there, and I can stare into his eyes without wondering if he's real. He is. He really likes me, likes who I am. He's loud and funny... and has the prettiest blue eyes I've ever seen.
Sure, he's not perfect. Not even close. You know what? That's what I like most about him. That I can find something to make him human. That's what real love is - knowing the person you really like has things that you just don't understand. I used to think that when you loved someone that all the things had to be in place and that a certain amount of elements had to be there. Now I've come to terms that things that he does annoy me. Yes. I'm not afraid to admit that... I'm sure I'm completely intolerable at times as well. This is why this is the harder road. To find someone who has a great heart and that you can't get your mind off of.
It's not the guy on the white horse, or the guy at the party buying you a drink. It's that guy who's with you watching stand up comedy who laughs a little weird. Because he's the guy who you know truly cares about you. So if there's anyone out there wondering what to do - you usually have a guy friend or someone close that you're unsure about because they don't fit the perfect "mold" that you're looking for - trust me - he's the guy that you will be able to marry someday, and give your whole heart to.
And just because I think this is the right way, it doesn't mean that I'm not scared as hell. Or that in 20 minutes that I won't be rethinking my way to do things.
I think I finally have figured it out, though. Or at least on the path of understanding.
While sitting alone (and fully happy to be doing so) I realized something. And not just realized - but actually believed my own words.
The only other time I was truly in love - I was unsure as hell about the whole situation. I've said "I love you" to a few others - and those seemed to come quite easily. I still believe I loved them at the time - I would never say it unless I felt it. But it was easy. I've always believed that the hardest things are the ones that will mean the most in the end.
Over the past few years - I've fallen in and out of love, thought of suicide too many times to want to mention, done careless things, and felt alive. Instead of waiting around for love to find me, I took an active part in my journey to find love. This meant finding some great people, some who just weren't for me - and even a completely controlling and abusive dickwad. Instead of staying with the bad ones - I've decided to get it over with quick and to move on. I wish more individuals would do this to be honest. You are the only person who really understands who you are and the only one who gets to live YOUR life.
I know people look at me and my situations and think "Wow that girl goes through guys quick. What a slut. Why can't she just find one person?" And the question is, I don't want to settle. I don't want to look back in 10 years and wonder where my youth and happiness went. I'm not a slut - sure I've done a few careless things, but I respect myself and who I chose to be with. To hell with all the people who don't know this, or care.
Since the beginning of the school year (August) I've dated, or was in a relationship with six people. That's on the larger side... but you know what? I've learned with more certainty what I need and want out of a relationship. This means being with someone who loves me for me. Someone who knows that I go to garage sales to buy the Lord of the Rings collective mugs - and not feel ashamed to do so. That's me. I'm a mix of peppy, loud, realistic, optimistic, overly nerdy, loving, passionate, fiery, and easily excitable.
To reiterate - the hardest things are the ones to hold on to.
I've been talking to Tim for about a month now. A whole month. We are not "together" yet. We talked about not dating other people. We both like each other a LOT. He's met my roommates. I think they approve. I've met his friends. His roommate told me that I'm great for him and that he's so much happier since I've been in his life. We're moving rather slow (compared to what I'm used to). Recently I've been wondering what "we" were. I believe I have a right to. But now looking back, I think I've been freaking out a bit too much. What if we weren't "together" for another three months? Sure, I might be a little confused - but the main idea is that I love being around him, he makes me laugh, we have the perfect amount of things in common... the mix is there.
I'm coming to terms with this whole "normal" seeing someone ordeal. We haven't had sex... which is good (most of the time, lol). We lay there, and I can stare into his eyes without wondering if he's real. He is. He really likes me, likes who I am. He's loud and funny... and has the prettiest blue eyes I've ever seen.
Sure, he's not perfect. Not even close. You know what? That's what I like most about him. That I can find something to make him human. That's what real love is - knowing the person you really like has things that you just don't understand. I used to think that when you loved someone that all the things had to be in place and that a certain amount of elements had to be there. Now I've come to terms that things that he does annoy me. Yes. I'm not afraid to admit that... I'm sure I'm completely intolerable at times as well. This is why this is the harder road. To find someone who has a great heart and that you can't get your mind off of.
It's not the guy on the white horse, or the guy at the party buying you a drink. It's that guy who's with you watching stand up comedy who laughs a little weird. Because he's the guy who you know truly cares about you. So if there's anyone out there wondering what to do - you usually have a guy friend or someone close that you're unsure about because they don't fit the perfect "mold" that you're looking for - trust me - he's the guy that you will be able to marry someday, and give your whole heart to.
And just because I think this is the right way, it doesn't mean that I'm not scared as hell. Or that in 20 minutes that I won't be rethinking my way to do things.
I think I finally have figured it out, though. Or at least on the path of understanding.