A piece of my mind
I have always said that writing out the many ramblings of my so called minds eye has always allowed me to organize and evaluate the significance of all the thoughts that cross its neural pathways. Almost in a spur of clairvoyance the bubbles that have been sizzling just below recognition, alas have reached the surface of cognition. Finally, I have seen some clarity to the thoughts that have eluded me for the past month or so. In addition to clarity of cognitions comes understanding followed hopefully by resolve of self conscience.
Evolutionarily, humans, mammals alike are anti-altruistic. No matter how unselfish we like to think we are, we most certainly are not. Here enter the concept of distorted cognitions. Distortions range from harmless to very severe. For example one might think they are super strong and have arms of lead pipes, however they really look like spaghetti noodles-- not to intimidating. On the other hand they may think they are completely unselfish and therefore everyone else is always at fault. This is not so good. Notwithstanding, I do not actually think I am completely unselfish. I have always known otherwise and this is the fundamental error in my whole inability to understand those who have distorted cognitions about right or wrong, selfish behavior, pain, and anything else that comes to mind.
Please forgive me for using impersonal pronouns however I've always valued anonymity with my journal. What I have experienced in my life is merely a result of my own desire to understand the manifestations of living in true emotional pain, among self derived pain. This is likely due to my recent exposure to bipolar disorder or manic depression (call it what you like). [No, I don't mean me personally either].
What I am saying can be summed up in the following: "Sometimes as humans we can not face those whom we know we have hurt, out of the fear of those consequences accompanied by the pain we ourselves have inflicted on the person(s) of our inner circles. In addition to causing them pain we attempt to ease our own guilt by providing ourselves with a cross reality thus allowing our better self to be deluded. Furthermore, we create a false and distorted cognition. It surely must be the other persons fault when all reality presents it self as being our own. This is more comfortable, easier to live with, gives us a way of avoiding the pain we really should feel because ultimately we are selfish. Moreover, this behavior allows us to avoid facing what we truly feel for one another."
Psychologists call this fundamental attribution error. In addition to demonstrating transference and avoidance by avoiding what we cannot bare to face and transfer the guilt we feel in ourself into the hate or blame we project onto others, especially those we have inflicted pain onto in the first place. Simply because we believe that our pain has been caused-- it surely must have been caused by someone else-- other than our own inability to face our own natural instincts.
What do we truly feel? In all reality we actually fear to lose what we care most about and thus in our facade of unselfishness we grow to become very selfish and spiteful invariably pushing away those we care most about. Not only once, not only twice, but three sometimes four, five times... and so the cycle continues until we finally face ourselves.
Facing ourselves is the worst part of it all. Especially, for those who have bipolar disorder and really do not understand what is going on at all. I have found a new interest and sympathy for those I have encountered, I feel so desperate to help them realize that they are over-reacting, to what is simply a problem with neural circuitry that is causing the distortions of what is normal reality for the average person, compared to those with the BP condition.
I think the valuable lesson in all of this is something I have always preached and believe strongly. We are all humans, with red blood, we all have some level of distortions to our thought process we all make mistakes. What makes us truly human though is the ability to fight our natural survival instincts, and to show compassion, to hurt sometimes no matter how hard it is.
This leads me to my whole role in what ultimately caused me to start writing again after a month of shutting out what I wanted to comprehend in order to truly understand what I think to be the most devastating of pain (not physical, but emotional, psychological and sometimes spiritual). I decided to push myself into a situation that caused me to hurt like those who I have known to hurt. I pushed myself trying to feel what I could not understand by directly doing to myself what those who have BP do commonplace. And what I have concluded thus far is that nothing hurts more then watching the most important people in your life completely shut you out because you for once can be imperfect. For once, you need to admit that you truly fear to lose what you have never really had, and, to cause yourself pain is to push that person as far away as you could, without completely shutting them out of your life. Herein lies the punishment, the indefinite punishment. What is sick about this really lies on the heart and it really does not have to be that way, in fact it should not be.
The only way to avoid it is to be open, but sometimes that can be bad too because then you feel taken advantaged of, as if you given everything but not really been heard or received and then pushed aside.
It becomes a game of cat and mouse only making all situations worse.
Evolutionarily, humans, mammals alike are anti-altruistic. No matter how unselfish we like to think we are, we most certainly are not. Here enter the concept of distorted cognitions. Distortions range from harmless to very severe. For example one might think they are super strong and have arms of lead pipes, however they really look like spaghetti noodles-- not to intimidating. On the other hand they may think they are completely unselfish and therefore everyone else is always at fault. This is not so good. Notwithstanding, I do not actually think I am completely unselfish. I have always known otherwise and this is the fundamental error in my whole inability to understand those who have distorted cognitions about right or wrong, selfish behavior, pain, and anything else that comes to mind.
Please forgive me for using impersonal pronouns however I've always valued anonymity with my journal. What I have experienced in my life is merely a result of my own desire to understand the manifestations of living in true emotional pain, among self derived pain. This is likely due to my recent exposure to bipolar disorder or manic depression (call it what you like). [No, I don't mean me personally either].
What I am saying can be summed up in the following: "Sometimes as humans we can not face those whom we know we have hurt, out of the fear of those consequences accompanied by the pain we ourselves have inflicted on the person(s) of our inner circles. In addition to causing them pain we attempt to ease our own guilt by providing ourselves with a cross reality thus allowing our better self to be deluded. Furthermore, we create a false and distorted cognition. It surely must be the other persons fault when all reality presents it self as being our own. This is more comfortable, easier to live with, gives us a way of avoiding the pain we really should feel because ultimately we are selfish. Moreover, this behavior allows us to avoid facing what we truly feel for one another."
Psychologists call this fundamental attribution error. In addition to demonstrating transference and avoidance by avoiding what we cannot bare to face and transfer the guilt we feel in ourself into the hate or blame we project onto others, especially those we have inflicted pain onto in the first place. Simply because we believe that our pain has been caused-- it surely must have been caused by someone else-- other than our own inability to face our own natural instincts.
What do we truly feel? In all reality we actually fear to lose what we care most about and thus in our facade of unselfishness we grow to become very selfish and spiteful invariably pushing away those we care most about. Not only once, not only twice, but three sometimes four, five times... and so the cycle continues until we finally face ourselves.
Facing ourselves is the worst part of it all. Especially, for those who have bipolar disorder and really do not understand what is going on at all. I have found a new interest and sympathy for those I have encountered, I feel so desperate to help them realize that they are over-reacting, to what is simply a problem with neural circuitry that is causing the distortions of what is normal reality for the average person, compared to those with the BP condition.
I think the valuable lesson in all of this is something I have always preached and believe strongly. We are all humans, with red blood, we all have some level of distortions to our thought process we all make mistakes. What makes us truly human though is the ability to fight our natural survival instincts, and to show compassion, to hurt sometimes no matter how hard it is.
This leads me to my whole role in what ultimately caused me to start writing again after a month of shutting out what I wanted to comprehend in order to truly understand what I think to be the most devastating of pain (not physical, but emotional, psychological and sometimes spiritual). I decided to push myself into a situation that caused me to hurt like those who I have known to hurt. I pushed myself trying to feel what I could not understand by directly doing to myself what those who have BP do commonplace. And what I have concluded thus far is that nothing hurts more then watching the most important people in your life completely shut you out because you for once can be imperfect. For once, you need to admit that you truly fear to lose what you have never really had, and, to cause yourself pain is to push that person as far away as you could, without completely shutting them out of your life. Herein lies the punishment, the indefinite punishment. What is sick about this really lies on the heart and it really does not have to be that way, in fact it should not be.
The only way to avoid it is to be open, but sometimes that can be bad too because then you feel taken advantaged of, as if you given everything but not really been heard or received and then pushed aside.
It becomes a game of cat and mouse only making all situations worse.