(no subject)
I don't know how else to reach out, or to voice how I feel. I obviously can't speak to you if all you ever do is shut me down. Obviously there is nothing I can do or say that is going to fix this.
So I am just going to say:
I have given everything to our friendship. Yes I fucked up. I should not have said the things I said.
You are right that I betrayed your trust and I said some things I didn't mean, none of which reflect what my true opinion of you is.
I said them out of anger and out of confusion because you always confuse me and I thought of all people YOU could understand that.
But you keep me guessing, I always thought I understood you, but I don't. You expect me too and yet you expect me not to get angry or to hate the fact that you love me but you don't want to be with me?
One thing needs to be said: For the past 3 years, I have given you everything, my heart, my soul, my love, my forgiveness. You didn't trust me with pieter, you chose him over me. You came back, very sorry, broken hurt and I was there. I forgave you. I didn't have to, but I did because I love you, because that's what love really is.
Then you agreed to date again, after everything we'd been through and you went and started cheating on me, you lied to me over the course of those months, and to this day haven't even told me the full story of it. Then we broke up. I had finally moved on finally felt like I didn't need you in my life anymore and you came back suddenly saying how sorry you were. You said you loved me, you cared about me that we were different and special. Even after you cheated on me I found the ability to forgive you. Obviously we were so special that you were willing to date someone else who lives equally as far away, simple because they said they fancied you?!? So you want to know why I have reason to wonder, to be confused to feel angered, to say you're selfish, to say you're cold? How many lies did you tell andy and owen? How many other people have you lead on in the past few months?
Yet I am the weak one, not you. I need you. Maybe that is my blind spot. I wonder if you care I see moments glimmers of it in your eyes in your heart in your guilt. But I don't understand it you still chose a path of self destruction. You can say you love someone but just start randomly dating someone else. Are you really pulling my strings?
Yet obviously you care somewhere because you are hurt by the fact that I can't trust you? IT works TWO WAYS?
I am angered, no not angered, hurt because you are willing to throw the past 3 years away for one mistake after everything I HAVE DONE FOR YOU EVERYTHING I HAVE GIVEN to US to our relationship as friends as lovers as so much more. you just walk away. Thats it the end. That's what bothers me. You have a choice not to hurt people, not to be cold, yet you do it anyhow. And you say you too all hurt because I said you have veins of ice? Don't try and turn it around. You should fucking feel guilty for everything you've done. and should you be sorry no, because I don't want you to be sorry. Because I do fucking accept you for who you are. Because I always have understood you. Even if it means a self sacrifice that kills me.
But that's just it. I am the weak one, not you. I need you. That I will bend over backwards for you. You know this. and you just cut me off to prevent me from getting hurt?
WHY CANT YOU JUST NOT HURT ANYONE. You do have the choice you know. You don't have to go date every person that says they love you. Pick one and stick to it. FOr FUCKS SAKE TRY AND MAKE SHIT WORK. And if it's not with me or not ever with me then be fucking honest and just say it. Don't play these little games and push and push until someone snaps and then just cut them off as if they were nothing as if they mean nothing. Do you deserve to be called a selfish bitch? Yes you do. Does that mean that's how I really feel about you? No I don't. Because I love you and when you love someone that's something you don't just say. But you don't understand that and I don't think you ever will.
So, Maybe we are two different and maybe we shouldn't be friends. Maybe you are right. But if you think you're doing this to prevent hurting me. You are so wrong. You are doing it to prevent yourself from feeling guilty ever again. Well let me tell you guilt is what makes you human and it shows that you care.
I hope you know that I care. I care enough to be devastated to lose you.
But if it's the end of a friendship, of a relationship you want. Then you win. I concede defeat I will be out of your hair forever.
I strongly stand by what I say: "There comes a time in life when one who loves must make the ultimate sacrifice, to let go"
So to you my last and only true love goodbye.
Not forgotten, Always forgiven but forever a sad and happy memory.
So I am just going to say:
I have given everything to our friendship. Yes I fucked up. I should not have said the things I said.
You are right that I betrayed your trust and I said some things I didn't mean, none of which reflect what my true opinion of you is.
I said them out of anger and out of confusion because you always confuse me and I thought of all people YOU could understand that.
But you keep me guessing, I always thought I understood you, but I don't. You expect me too and yet you expect me not to get angry or to hate the fact that you love me but you don't want to be with me?
One thing needs to be said: For the past 3 years, I have given you everything, my heart, my soul, my love, my forgiveness. You didn't trust me with pieter, you chose him over me. You came back, very sorry, broken hurt and I was there. I forgave you. I didn't have to, but I did because I love you, because that's what love really is.
Then you agreed to date again, after everything we'd been through and you went and started cheating on me, you lied to me over the course of those months, and to this day haven't even told me the full story of it. Then we broke up. I had finally moved on finally felt like I didn't need you in my life anymore and you came back suddenly saying how sorry you were. You said you loved me, you cared about me that we were different and special. Even after you cheated on me I found the ability to forgive you. Obviously we were so special that you were willing to date someone else who lives equally as far away, simple because they said they fancied you?!? So you want to know why I have reason to wonder, to be confused to feel angered, to say you're selfish, to say you're cold? How many lies did you tell andy and owen? How many other people have you lead on in the past few months?
Yet I am the weak one, not you. I need you. Maybe that is my blind spot. I wonder if you care I see moments glimmers of it in your eyes in your heart in your guilt. But I don't understand it you still chose a path of self destruction. You can say you love someone but just start randomly dating someone else. Are you really pulling my strings?
Yet obviously you care somewhere because you are hurt by the fact that I can't trust you? IT works TWO WAYS?
I am angered, no not angered, hurt because you are willing to throw the past 3 years away for one mistake after everything I HAVE DONE FOR YOU EVERYTHING I HAVE GIVEN to US to our relationship as friends as lovers as so much more. you just walk away. Thats it the end. That's what bothers me. You have a choice not to hurt people, not to be cold, yet you do it anyhow. And you say you too all hurt because I said you have veins of ice? Don't try and turn it around. You should fucking feel guilty for everything you've done. and should you be sorry no, because I don't want you to be sorry. Because I do fucking accept you for who you are. Because I always have understood you. Even if it means a self sacrifice that kills me.
But that's just it. I am the weak one, not you. I need you. That I will bend over backwards for you. You know this. and you just cut me off to prevent me from getting hurt?
WHY CANT YOU JUST NOT HURT ANYONE. You do have the choice you know. You don't have to go date every person that says they love you. Pick one and stick to it. FOr FUCKS SAKE TRY AND MAKE SHIT WORK. And if it's not with me or not ever with me then be fucking honest and just say it. Don't play these little games and push and push until someone snaps and then just cut them off as if they were nothing as if they mean nothing. Do you deserve to be called a selfish bitch? Yes you do. Does that mean that's how I really feel about you? No I don't. Because I love you and when you love someone that's something you don't just say. But you don't understand that and I don't think you ever will.
So, Maybe we are two different and maybe we shouldn't be friends. Maybe you are right. But if you think you're doing this to prevent hurting me. You are so wrong. You are doing it to prevent yourself from feeling guilty ever again. Well let me tell you guilt is what makes you human and it shows that you care.
I hope you know that I care. I care enough to be devastated to lose you.
But if it's the end of a friendship, of a relationship you want. Then you win. I concede defeat I will be out of your hair forever.
I strongly stand by what I say: "There comes a time in life when one who loves must make the ultimate sacrifice, to let go"
So to you my last and only true love goodbye.
Not forgotten, Always forgiven but forever a sad and happy memory.