...your hand pulling away and i'm deflated...
i'm starting to figure out the combination of why i have been feeling the way i have been lately. i was going to make this entry "preferred", but i really don't care. why self-censore?
WEATHER
i always thought that seattle or portland would be a great spot to live, but after experiencing the majority of march without seeing the sun, i really noticed how much i (and my students) need that light to bring energy...so funny how weather can effect us.
LINDHURST
things are finally wrapped up with my own students discussions and videos on racism and homophobia. fortunately, i was able to take 8 whole days and teach on this. how lucky? but as kristy and i were driving yesterday we spoke about how much of a downer it is to watch such depressing and personal stories for 8 days times 5 hours a day. that's 40 hours worth of hate and discrimination.
my students have seemed to have learned so much which is what i wanted. discussions were great...but i know, i really know that it drained mr. yang and i.
"ONE SMALL SIDE WAYS LOOK AND I FEEL SO UN-GOOD" - ALANIS MORISSETTE
this song completely represents the rest of how i feel. last weekend i went up to chico. and i was telling funny stories about my students and what they do. i will be the first one to admit that i am probably one of the most relaxed people when it comes to cussing or a slight blowing up. i try to give them chances. they know their boundaries and when they cross them, they're off to the office. such as yesterday.
i got side-tracked. so anyway, i was telling stories about how my students talk to me. they tell me extremely important personal information, like a big brother. and most of the time that's what they think of me as. i know in "the ways of teaching" and also by a lecture by a Vice Principal...students are not to be peers...but in everyday life, and in life with our kids they need an adult that will be their for there them. of course there are boundaries, i just have to pick and choose my battles.
for example i have 3 alpha males in one my classes. they are all football players and they always try to wrestle with me, pick me up, grab at me, and other stupid shit. they have this fascination of trying to grab my nipple. of course i say, hey! knock it off but it's like a guy thing, not some ooo let's harass eirvin thing.
i got side-tracked again. i guess people just don't understand. and i tend to get judged and deemed "inappropriate". i really wish i didn't let it bother me so much. but it has. it's a constant struggle to be a teacher and who you really are. to let them know you care without being "mr. roger's neighborhood-ish".
i really wish instead of judging, people could take a day out of their lives and see what i do on a daily basis. see how wonderful my kids are. and see what kind of relationships i have with them. but, until then...they can judge.
WHAT TO DO NEXT
i don't really know what my plans are going to be from here on out. i'm not applying for any jobs and am planning on being at lindhurst, but there is still that part of me that wants to be away...away in a bigger place where there may be an opportunity to find love. i don't see that happpening here. *sigh* i really want to be loved.
and so, once again. i apologize for not getting back to people. i'm being selfish and trying to deal with my own stuff. i'm going to get in touch this weekend. if you read this far, thanks. any advice would be superb as well.
WEATHER
i always thought that seattle or portland would be a great spot to live, but after experiencing the majority of march without seeing the sun, i really noticed how much i (and my students) need that light to bring energy...so funny how weather can effect us.
LINDHURST
things are finally wrapped up with my own students discussions and videos on racism and homophobia. fortunately, i was able to take 8 whole days and teach on this. how lucky? but as kristy and i were driving yesterday we spoke about how much of a downer it is to watch such depressing and personal stories for 8 days times 5 hours a day. that's 40 hours worth of hate and discrimination.
my students have seemed to have learned so much which is what i wanted. discussions were great...but i know, i really know that it drained mr. yang and i.
"ONE SMALL SIDE WAYS LOOK AND I FEEL SO UN-GOOD" - ALANIS MORISSETTE
this song completely represents the rest of how i feel. last weekend i went up to chico. and i was telling funny stories about my students and what they do. i will be the first one to admit that i am probably one of the most relaxed people when it comes to cussing or a slight blowing up. i try to give them chances. they know their boundaries and when they cross them, they're off to the office. such as yesterday.
i got side-tracked. so anyway, i was telling stories about how my students talk to me. they tell me extremely important personal information, like a big brother. and most of the time that's what they think of me as. i know in "the ways of teaching" and also by a lecture by a Vice Principal...students are not to be peers...but in everyday life, and in life with our kids they need an adult that will be their for there them. of course there are boundaries, i just have to pick and choose my battles.
for example i have 3 alpha males in one my classes. they are all football players and they always try to wrestle with me, pick me up, grab at me, and other stupid shit. they have this fascination of trying to grab my nipple. of course i say, hey! knock it off but it's like a guy thing, not some ooo let's harass eirvin thing.
i got side-tracked again. i guess people just don't understand. and i tend to get judged and deemed "inappropriate". i really wish i didn't let it bother me so much. but it has. it's a constant struggle to be a teacher and who you really are. to let them know you care without being "mr. roger's neighborhood-ish".
i really wish instead of judging, people could take a day out of their lives and see what i do on a daily basis. see how wonderful my kids are. and see what kind of relationships i have with them. but, until then...they can judge.
WHAT TO DO NEXT
i don't really know what my plans are going to be from here on out. i'm not applying for any jobs and am planning on being at lindhurst, but there is still that part of me that wants to be away...away in a bigger place where there may be an opportunity to find love. i don't see that happpening here. *sigh* i really want to be loved.
and so, once again. i apologize for not getting back to people. i'm being selfish and trying to deal with my own stuff. i'm going to get in touch this weekend. if you read this far, thanks. any advice would be superb as well.