(no subject)
So, I'm seeing a counselor again this Friday. I need a booster shot or something, here, because I'm not really thrilled with life. I suspect that I may have Seasonal Affect Disorder, or maybe even straight up depression in the making. I'm trying not to diagnose myself, because 1) it's hard and 2) bad.
But, I can't ignore that I seem to have some symptoms: sleep changes, eating changes, loss of motivation, anhedonia (no longer gaining pleasure from previous enjoyed things), nonexistant sex drive, irritablity, and some hopelessness.
I'm also struggling with some frustrations with my program and individual professors, which isn't helping me enjoy life more. I'm a bit gunshy now, and worry a lot about what I say, do, etc. I'm always worried I'm going to miss an assignment or presentation or something. That probably just speaks to how overwhelmed I am, and that my feelings of being out of control are manifesting in worrying about being prepared, even though I AM prepared and have almost never missed an assignment, let alone a big one!
Luckily, I'm still future-oriented. I definitely can have fun and laugh still. The end of the semester is almost here (1 month left!), and then I get a whole month off before summer classes and internship!!! And the sun will be back, and I will be awake during daylight hours. Right now I literally only get sun when I am in my car. Probably not healthy. I might consider tanning a bit to jumpstart the summer in my skin. Maybe. I need to see if the research supports that at all.
It's also the anniversary of shit officially hitting the fan with Doug, and even though I'm well past him and so thankful to be with Ian (who continues to be the most amazing rock for me to lean on), I bet it has something to do with it.
So, Friday. Appointment with counselor. Get some stuff checked out. Maybe do light therapy. Perhaps consider some meds. I don't know. Really, anything is better than this. I need to have energy and motivation and the expectation of enjoyment, because with all that lacking, I have zero desire to go to the barn and see or ride my horse. And that SUCKS. I miss him. I miss having my butt out there. My FAVORITE summer was the one between freshman and sophomore year, when I would go to the barn almost 5 days a week after work to hang out, ride, hang out, and then go home. Skibo and I were in excellent shape, we were learning a lot, and I felt confident in the saddle. I WISH to high heaven I had those hours again, and that freedom.
I also feel incredibly lonely. I know that there are many people I could be seeing, but I honestly don't feel like I have the time, and when I do think about it, time has slipped away from me before I knew it and I'm out of time all over again! I have worked EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND, evening and/or overnight, since last June. I'm sick of not going to parties, never being able to drink beer or have a glass of wine. I haven't entertained guests and I haven't beein invited anywhere. I wouldn't have time to go even if I was! And that sucks. I'm SO dreaming of the day I work 9-5 hours, go to the barn in the evenings, and socialize on the weekends.
Sigh. At least I have Ian. :) He's good people, and a wonderful reassurer that life will work out, and that even if I become Cranky McBitchypants, he'll stay by my side (and drag my ass to counseling, lol).
But, I can't ignore that I seem to have some symptoms: sleep changes, eating changes, loss of motivation, anhedonia (no longer gaining pleasure from previous enjoyed things), nonexistant sex drive, irritablity, and some hopelessness.
I'm also struggling with some frustrations with my program and individual professors, which isn't helping me enjoy life more. I'm a bit gunshy now, and worry a lot about what I say, do, etc. I'm always worried I'm going to miss an assignment or presentation or something. That probably just speaks to how overwhelmed I am, and that my feelings of being out of control are manifesting in worrying about being prepared, even though I AM prepared and have almost never missed an assignment, let alone a big one!
Luckily, I'm still future-oriented. I definitely can have fun and laugh still. The end of the semester is almost here (1 month left!), and then I get a whole month off before summer classes and internship!!! And the sun will be back, and I will be awake during daylight hours. Right now I literally only get sun when I am in my car. Probably not healthy. I might consider tanning a bit to jumpstart the summer in my skin. Maybe. I need to see if the research supports that at all.
It's also the anniversary of shit officially hitting the fan with Doug, and even though I'm well past him and so thankful to be with Ian (who continues to be the most amazing rock for me to lean on), I bet it has something to do with it.
So, Friday. Appointment with counselor. Get some stuff checked out. Maybe do light therapy. Perhaps consider some meds. I don't know. Really, anything is better than this. I need to have energy and motivation and the expectation of enjoyment, because with all that lacking, I have zero desire to go to the barn and see or ride my horse. And that SUCKS. I miss him. I miss having my butt out there. My FAVORITE summer was the one between freshman and sophomore year, when I would go to the barn almost 5 days a week after work to hang out, ride, hang out, and then go home. Skibo and I were in excellent shape, we were learning a lot, and I felt confident in the saddle. I WISH to high heaven I had those hours again, and that freedom.
I also feel incredibly lonely. I know that there are many people I could be seeing, but I honestly don't feel like I have the time, and when I do think about it, time has slipped away from me before I knew it and I'm out of time all over again! I have worked EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND, evening and/or overnight, since last June. I'm sick of not going to parties, never being able to drink beer or have a glass of wine. I haven't entertained guests and I haven't beein invited anywhere. I wouldn't have time to go even if I was! And that sucks. I'm SO dreaming of the day I work 9-5 hours, go to the barn in the evenings, and socialize on the weekends.
Sigh. At least I have Ian. :) He's good people, and a wonderful reassurer that life will work out, and that even if I become Cranky McBitchypants, he'll stay by my side (and drag my ass to counseling, lol).