Things I want to say
I don't have a poem to write,I'm not even sure of the words I will write at this moment,I just know I gotta get this out some how before it takes full control of me and that's something I can't let happen. I looked into my eyes this morning and didn't like the person I see,these eyes aren't mine,at least not the eyes that used to be and that really scares me. I don't like the way I feel,the things that feel my head,the fact that I can't seem to think right or at all anymore. I feel anger and hate inside for so many things and I'm not really sure when it started,it just like happened and I find myself not caring when it comes to certain people but just you know pretending because I know I want to care but it's hard to feel it inside of me sometimes like it went some where else for awhile. I miss the way I used to feel all the time,I loved how I was always able to share the way I felt no matter my mood but now it seems like I have to be in a certain mood to be able to do that,to be able to be myself and it seems like I don't have any control over my mood,I tried trying to figure it out thinking maybe it's a easy fix,that it's just the way I sleep or the way I eat but I'm finding it more and more that it's not a easy fix and that I'm highly and deeply depressed no matter how much I try to deny it and I try so hard to because I don't want to believe it because I don't want to say it because I don't want people thinking that I'm gonna turn into a nut,I don't want anyone to send me away because they think it's best for me when I know it's not! I hate doctors,I hate going so I don't because I'm afraid they will say it,I'm afraid they will say that I need to go on those stupid hated pills. It has been awhile since I went to the docs last and that's when there was a problem with my heart,they asked me that most hated question "Have you ever thought of suicide,have you ever thought of self-harm?" Part of me wanted to scream yes,I THOUGHT OF SUICIDE,I DONE SELF-HARM but I didn't,I just calmly said no and smiled like everything was ok,part of me wishes I didn't lie,part of me wishes they seen through my lie and tested me anyway,they didn't even have to do that,all they had to do was look at my legs and see what I done to myself..I done it there because I knew people would always look at my arms and my legs were always covered so it was ok,I didn't have to worry.
I have so much kept inside of me from over the years or at least it seems that way and it's just so hard to get it out,everytime I try I always seem to go around it instead of just getting to the problem,to the whole point of even trying,I want to tell someone but my mind doesn't seem to work that way and when I try to force it to it just makes my head hurt and adds more stress to my life. These thoughts,the nightmares,the pain,the stress,the hate and the anger hurts me inside and out. At this moment,as I'm writing this I can feel my side and back as if something was stabbing me there,it then goes to my head and leaves me with a headache for a day or a few days,I hate it so much. I try listening to soft music to calm my mind but it all seems to override it and just gives me more pain because I'm trying so hard to hold it back but it just keeps forcing itself till it gets in and then I give in,I give because I just don't care... No that's a lie,I care but I just don't feel it inside,I just know it's there some where and I'm trying so very hard to find it but I can't and I tend to find myself getting lost. I hate being here,not like in a way I wish I were dead but I just hate being here where I am,where I live,I don't want to live her and I want to get away from these people sometimes. I just want to be alone,I want to be free and not feel like I have to put on a show for them to hide the way I'm really feeling inside,they wouldn't understand and I don't mean in a no one will understand way but I mean they,just them won't understand because of the way they are,I can't explain it's just something I know.
My mind is starting to go blank,trying to erase any thought I can think of to write here,it always does this so I guess I will stop soon and try again to write more because I have so much to write,so much I want to say so I can get it out instead of keep it in where it haunts my days and night,my hopes and dreams,thank you to anyone who reads and comments this.
I have so much kept inside of me from over the years or at least it seems that way and it's just so hard to get it out,everytime I try I always seem to go around it instead of just getting to the problem,to the whole point of even trying,I want to tell someone but my mind doesn't seem to work that way and when I try to force it to it just makes my head hurt and adds more stress to my life. These thoughts,the nightmares,the pain,the stress,the hate and the anger hurts me inside and out. At this moment,as I'm writing this I can feel my side and back as if something was stabbing me there,it then goes to my head and leaves me with a headache for a day or a few days,I hate it so much. I try listening to soft music to calm my mind but it all seems to override it and just gives me more pain because I'm trying so hard to hold it back but it just keeps forcing itself till it gets in and then I give in,I give because I just don't care... No that's a lie,I care but I just don't feel it inside,I just know it's there some where and I'm trying so very hard to find it but I can't and I tend to find myself getting lost. I hate being here,not like in a way I wish I were dead but I just hate being here where I am,where I live,I don't want to live her and I want to get away from these people sometimes. I just want to be alone,I want to be free and not feel like I have to put on a show for them to hide the way I'm really feeling inside,they wouldn't understand and I don't mean in a no one will understand way but I mean they,just them won't understand because of the way they are,I can't explain it's just something I know.
My mind is starting to go blank,trying to erase any thought I can think of to write here,it always does this so I guess I will stop soon and try again to write more because I have so much to write,so much I want to say so I can get it out instead of keep it in where it haunts my days and night,my hopes and dreams,thank you to anyone who reads and comments this.