Notes on myself: Pain
What follows is a series of posts about myself. No, they aren't going to be in any sort of order. I figure once i've figured out how these notes are supposed to be put in chronological order then and only then will i order them into one giant super-post about me explaining why i am the way that i am. Ya'see i've slowly come under the impression that most of the people who know me don't really know me as much as they might like to. So I felt the need to fill in the gaps. Explain my mental outlook on the world. let people into my mind further then what ninety-eight percent of people have seen. because i've always felt that i'm ten percent what you see physically and ninety-percent fucked in the head.
I think the logical place to start would be pain, bceause thats how i validate my existance. I'm something of an insomniac, so my world never feels one-hundred percent real one hundred percent of the time. So logically pain became the best method of determining the real from the dream-like.....if that makes anysense whatsoever. It's like this, when i'm in pain (self-inflicted or otherwise) i feel alice. Nothing is more immediate then the pain i'm feeling right then and there. My focus sharpens, i'm aware of every little thing. It's wonderful.
Yes, i'm a sado-masochist. Call it creepy, call it fucked up, call it whatever you will. I love it and theres not a thing people can do to convince me that pain isn't good for me.
Now from my perspective there are three types of pain: phyiscal, emotional, and psychological. The physical by way of example would be punching a brick wall repeatedly, Emotional would be feeling like the son your mom and dad never wanted, and psychological would be the clinical depression that tinges my everyday existance. I'm a conniseuir of pain if you will. Like i said, thats how i validate my existence. Happy is sort of something that other people feel. i mean i can wear a happy face all you people want want. and i do, it's the only way i can socialize without coming off as one of those angry depressed emo-drones who do nothing but sit in they're rooms listening to Hawthorne Heights and slashing they're wrists. Sad? i don't really feel that much anymore. I'm not sad anymore out of feeling like sadness would be indicative of weakness. Thats patently false. Sadness is a normal human emotion everyone from little kids to grown ass men. Sadness for me is more of an emotional blank. Anger? Anger is one of the few emotions i feel with any real clarity or frequency. I get angry quite frequently and i'm glad i do. Because if i felt absolutely nothing at all i would be a fucking robot. So looking at it that way pain is my anchor to the real world. to the emotional world if you will. Infact i'd go as far to say that without anger and pain it would be very hard for anyone to tell if i'm actually even remotely human.
I should clarify. yes there are moments in my day to day life where i brighten up a little bit. These moments happen at random times, it's like just when i'm walking through some sort of emotional valley something will happen or someone will do something that genuinely touches me that i have to positively emotionally react. I'll laugh, i'll smile, and it doesn't feel so bad anymore. Of course, afterwords cynacism kicks back in and suddenly i'm back to the way i was before whatever happened to brighten my day. I thank whatever celestial forces there are for giving me those moments. Because, if i didn't have those moments or those people i would have fucking killed myself along time ago.
Further clarification: Yes i do have friends. If your reading my facebook or my livejournal then clearly i consider you one of my friends and thus my life-support system. It's you guys who keep me engaged with the rest of the world. I deeply care about you all and love having people like you in my life. and yes i used words like love. I'm not totally emotionless. It's just that my emotions have been horribly twisted from life experience. Which brings me to another issued: Trust.
As many of you that are my friends know this fact, the number of people i trust with my life i can count on one hand. thats five people that i trust implicitly not to lie to me, fuck me around, or hurt me in general. Yes thats a small number, but i have big issues surrounding me being able to trust people. Which is where my next post picks up on. It also touches on the main, principal, number one reason why i have a hard time trusting ninety-five percent of the people i know.
So i hope this first post was informative. comment. Ask questions. I promise i'll answer them.
Jason
*^*^*^*^*^TO BE POSTED TOMORROW: The five time repeat-rape victim and his issues surrounding trust.
I think the logical place to start would be pain, bceause thats how i validate my existance. I'm something of an insomniac, so my world never feels one-hundred percent real one hundred percent of the time. So logically pain became the best method of determining the real from the dream-like.....if that makes anysense whatsoever. It's like this, when i'm in pain (self-inflicted or otherwise) i feel alice. Nothing is more immediate then the pain i'm feeling right then and there. My focus sharpens, i'm aware of every little thing. It's wonderful.
Yes, i'm a sado-masochist. Call it creepy, call it fucked up, call it whatever you will. I love it and theres not a thing people can do to convince me that pain isn't good for me.
Now from my perspective there are three types of pain: phyiscal, emotional, and psychological. The physical by way of example would be punching a brick wall repeatedly, Emotional would be feeling like the son your mom and dad never wanted, and psychological would be the clinical depression that tinges my everyday existance. I'm a conniseuir of pain if you will. Like i said, thats how i validate my existence. Happy is sort of something that other people feel. i mean i can wear a happy face all you people want want. and i do, it's the only way i can socialize without coming off as one of those angry depressed emo-drones who do nothing but sit in they're rooms listening to Hawthorne Heights and slashing they're wrists. Sad? i don't really feel that much anymore. I'm not sad anymore out of feeling like sadness would be indicative of weakness. Thats patently false. Sadness is a normal human emotion everyone from little kids to grown ass men. Sadness for me is more of an emotional blank. Anger? Anger is one of the few emotions i feel with any real clarity or frequency. I get angry quite frequently and i'm glad i do. Because if i felt absolutely nothing at all i would be a fucking robot. So looking at it that way pain is my anchor to the real world. to the emotional world if you will. Infact i'd go as far to say that without anger and pain it would be very hard for anyone to tell if i'm actually even remotely human.
I should clarify. yes there are moments in my day to day life where i brighten up a little bit. These moments happen at random times, it's like just when i'm walking through some sort of emotional valley something will happen or someone will do something that genuinely touches me that i have to positively emotionally react. I'll laugh, i'll smile, and it doesn't feel so bad anymore. Of course, afterwords cynacism kicks back in and suddenly i'm back to the way i was before whatever happened to brighten my day. I thank whatever celestial forces there are for giving me those moments. Because, if i didn't have those moments or those people i would have fucking killed myself along time ago.
Further clarification: Yes i do have friends. If your reading my facebook or my livejournal then clearly i consider you one of my friends and thus my life-support system. It's you guys who keep me engaged with the rest of the world. I deeply care about you all and love having people like you in my life. and yes i used words like love. I'm not totally emotionless. It's just that my emotions have been horribly twisted from life experience. Which brings me to another issued: Trust.
As many of you that are my friends know this fact, the number of people i trust with my life i can count on one hand. thats five people that i trust implicitly not to lie to me, fuck me around, or hurt me in general. Yes thats a small number, but i have big issues surrounding me being able to trust people. Which is where my next post picks up on. It also touches on the main, principal, number one reason why i have a hard time trusting ninety-five percent of the people i know.
So i hope this first post was informative. comment. Ask questions. I promise i'll answer them.
Jason
*^*^*^*^*^TO BE POSTED TOMORROW: The five time repeat-rape victim and his issues surrounding trust.