Notes on myself: trust and the five time repeat rape victim
(or as i'd prefer to call it: why i'm so fucked up with trusting people)
Sorry it took me two days to actually build up the balls to write this note. It's just that this is something of a touchy subject for me. It's not even a question of not wanting to get these thoughts out of my head and into a forum where everyone can see a deeply personal statement made by me, quite frankly I'm all for that. I've gotten tired of people not actually being able to see one-hundred percent of me. So at some point or another this was going to be discussed by me. It was inevitable one might say. What took me time to build up the balls to do this was the fact that now everyone is going to have a brand new perception of me and i'm not sure i want that.
Fuck it, like i really give a fuck what people think. If i did, i wouldn't have done half the things i'd done in the past 12 years.
Some background on the Five times in question-
When i was eleven years old i was a scout. I was good too. i got all sorts of merit badges, i went every thursday night at seven pm. I loved it. Then i got the attention of my scout-masters youngest son, Matt Day. He was seventeen at the time. So to my eleven he had six years on me. He raped me three times: once in the back of his dads pick-up truck, once in my dads fucking church (for those of you not knowing my dad is a United Church minister), and once at scout camp with someone sleeping right next to the two of us. As for the other two times, i'm originally from St. Andrews NB (or rather my dad preached there for a number of years) and it came to be that my family became friends with another family living there called the Gowans. I became friends with they're oldest son Shane and they're young daughter Shawna, they're middle child Josh i never quite became friends with and i'm actually glad we didn't because that would have made what he did all that much worse for me psychologically. He only raped me twice. Once when my parents let him babysit me when we visited st. andrews the summer when i was eleven and again in january after my parents house got burned down (for those knowing or unknowing it was my fault that the house got burned down. I just want that stated and on the record) on my parents bed. On they're fucking bed, the complete lack of respect he not only showed me but them still floors me. And for those of you wondering: Yes i did try to tell my mom about it when it happened the first time. What happened was, after the first time with Matt Day in the back of his dads pick up i went to my mom and told her what happened. At eleven i didn't have the words to explain what happened so i told her that Matt had kissed me on the lips (which he had) and that he'd done some other things that made me feel weird. My mom, who was studying for her law exams, was sooo distracted that she actually tried to convince me that i was gay. No word of a lie. So i kind of figured that if that was the sort of response to what was essentially a terrifying experiance for anyone of any age, that maybe it was better to just stay quiet.
So in total I am a five time repeat-rape victim. Hence the title of this note. That was close to 12 years ago. You might say my life is defined by it. In a very honest way it was. Before, i was a reasonably well-adjusted tween. After, there were multiple suicide attempts, repeat mental health hospitalization, psychiatrists, social workers; the whole nine yards.
I blame most of my instability to that period of my life. I can't blame all of it on that period though, i have a good deal of responsibilty for the creation of the man i've been. My personal instability (the lies, drug addiction, being an expert at fucking people over on a massive scale before they fuck me over, near psychopathy), as much as i would like to blame it on being raped and having my personality twisted: no one forced me to do those things. No one put a gun to my head and said: "Jason, snort ridiculous amounts of coke" no one forced me to lie to people, and no one forced me to repeatedly fuck over close personal friends and aquaintences. The only person responsible for doing those things was me, and to the people who i have fucked over and hurt dearly: From the bottom of my heart, i am so fucking sorry for all the things that i've done that make it hard for you to trust me.
I'm kind of burnt out on talking right now. This is possibly the hardest thing i've ever had to write or talk about, and i've gone and exposed it to the world. Feels kind of cathartic if all truth be known. And yes i'm aware i haven't touched on my trust issues. I'll get to those in the next note. This was sort of a big thing for me, and i just wanted to touch on the one issue so that i could put all of myself in that explaining my issue rather then try to jump from one topic to another. So come back in a couple days and read about my trust issues. So like i said last time, i hope this post was informative. If you have any questions or comments feel free to ask or state them and i'll respond as quickly as i can.
Jason
*******TO BE POSTED SOON: My Trust issues********
Sorry it took me two days to actually build up the balls to write this note. It's just that this is something of a touchy subject for me. It's not even a question of not wanting to get these thoughts out of my head and into a forum where everyone can see a deeply personal statement made by me, quite frankly I'm all for that. I've gotten tired of people not actually being able to see one-hundred percent of me. So at some point or another this was going to be discussed by me. It was inevitable one might say. What took me time to build up the balls to do this was the fact that now everyone is going to have a brand new perception of me and i'm not sure i want that.
Fuck it, like i really give a fuck what people think. If i did, i wouldn't have done half the things i'd done in the past 12 years.
Some background on the Five times in question-
When i was eleven years old i was a scout. I was good too. i got all sorts of merit badges, i went every thursday night at seven pm. I loved it. Then i got the attention of my scout-masters youngest son, Matt Day. He was seventeen at the time. So to my eleven he had six years on me. He raped me three times: once in the back of his dads pick-up truck, once in my dads fucking church (for those of you not knowing my dad is a United Church minister), and once at scout camp with someone sleeping right next to the two of us. As for the other two times, i'm originally from St. Andrews NB (or rather my dad preached there for a number of years) and it came to be that my family became friends with another family living there called the Gowans. I became friends with they're oldest son Shane and they're young daughter Shawna, they're middle child Josh i never quite became friends with and i'm actually glad we didn't because that would have made what he did all that much worse for me psychologically. He only raped me twice. Once when my parents let him babysit me when we visited st. andrews the summer when i was eleven and again in january after my parents house got burned down (for those knowing or unknowing it was my fault that the house got burned down. I just want that stated and on the record) on my parents bed. On they're fucking bed, the complete lack of respect he not only showed me but them still floors me. And for those of you wondering: Yes i did try to tell my mom about it when it happened the first time. What happened was, after the first time with Matt Day in the back of his dads pick up i went to my mom and told her what happened. At eleven i didn't have the words to explain what happened so i told her that Matt had kissed me on the lips (which he had) and that he'd done some other things that made me feel weird. My mom, who was studying for her law exams, was sooo distracted that she actually tried to convince me that i was gay. No word of a lie. So i kind of figured that if that was the sort of response to what was essentially a terrifying experiance for anyone of any age, that maybe it was better to just stay quiet.
So in total I am a five time repeat-rape victim. Hence the title of this note. That was close to 12 years ago. You might say my life is defined by it. In a very honest way it was. Before, i was a reasonably well-adjusted tween. After, there were multiple suicide attempts, repeat mental health hospitalization, psychiatrists, social workers; the whole nine yards.
I blame most of my instability to that period of my life. I can't blame all of it on that period though, i have a good deal of responsibilty for the creation of the man i've been. My personal instability (the lies, drug addiction, being an expert at fucking people over on a massive scale before they fuck me over, near psychopathy), as much as i would like to blame it on being raped and having my personality twisted: no one forced me to do those things. No one put a gun to my head and said: "Jason, snort ridiculous amounts of coke" no one forced me to lie to people, and no one forced me to repeatedly fuck over close personal friends and aquaintences. The only person responsible for doing those things was me, and to the people who i have fucked over and hurt dearly: From the bottom of my heart, i am so fucking sorry for all the things that i've done that make it hard for you to trust me.
I'm kind of burnt out on talking right now. This is possibly the hardest thing i've ever had to write or talk about, and i've gone and exposed it to the world. Feels kind of cathartic if all truth be known. And yes i'm aware i haven't touched on my trust issues. I'll get to those in the next note. This was sort of a big thing for me, and i just wanted to touch on the one issue so that i could put all of myself in that explaining my issue rather then try to jump from one topic to another. So come back in a couple days and read about my trust issues. So like i said last time, i hope this post was informative. If you have any questions or comments feel free to ask or state them and i'll respond as quickly as i can.
Jason
*******TO BE POSTED SOON: My Trust issues********