(no subject)
I've been thinking about stuff.
I can't be with Adrian. I couldn't mention it. I couldn't say his name, thinking someone might make somthing of it. That's not right, is it?
So I thought more and more and I don't think I love him.
It's the wolf isn't it? And that's the only reason he loves me. If he'd met the old me he wouldn't have given a shit. He wouldn't have even looked at me. I'd just have been some pain in the arse muggle not worth his time. And that's still me. Deep down I'm still that person he'd have hated. My family's not exactly rich. We're not all noble or good. Even compared to muggles or other people where we're from we're not exactly the best people in the world. We're scum. I'm scum.
The only thing that's changed is the wolf.
That's what he loves.
And would I love him if I hadn't changed?
I'd just have figured he was some snotty brat you has no sense of humour. I wouldn't have liked him.
But he made me like him. When I wasn't well he said he could make things better. He did things I'd never have allowed if I wasn't in so much pain. It's his fault.
I don't love him and I refuse to let the wolf control me!
I thought more about Pete....but I can't go with him. He's just after the same thing as Adrian. It's just he wont drop me when I fall in love.... Adrian will leave one day. And when that happens I'll make sure the wolf doesn't care.
But maybe Pete will let me just follow him? I'm not sure. Maybe it's time I wrote to him.
I hate needing Adrian so much. He doesn't even need me. He says he does but that's just the wolf again. He doesn't really need me. And I don't need him and I don't need to feel this way. Not for a boy.
I can't be with Adrian. I couldn't mention it. I couldn't say his name, thinking someone might make somthing of it. That's not right, is it?
So I thought more and more and I don't think I love him.
It's the wolf isn't it? And that's the only reason he loves me. If he'd met the old me he wouldn't have given a shit. He wouldn't have even looked at me. I'd just have been some pain in the arse muggle not worth his time. And that's still me. Deep down I'm still that person he'd have hated. My family's not exactly rich. We're not all noble or good. Even compared to muggles or other people where we're from we're not exactly the best people in the world. We're scum. I'm scum.
The only thing that's changed is the wolf.
That's what he loves.
And would I love him if I hadn't changed?
I'd just have figured he was some snotty brat you has no sense of humour. I wouldn't have liked him.
But he made me like him. When I wasn't well he said he could make things better. He did things I'd never have allowed if I wasn't in so much pain. It's his fault.
I don't love him and I refuse to let the wolf control me!
I thought more about Pete....but I can't go with him. He's just after the same thing as Adrian. It's just he wont drop me when I fall in love.... Adrian will leave one day. And when that happens I'll make sure the wolf doesn't care.
But maybe Pete will let me just follow him? I'm not sure. Maybe it's time I wrote to him.
I hate needing Adrian so much. He doesn't even need me. He says he does but that's just the wolf again. He doesn't really need me. And I don't need him and I don't need to feel this way. Not for a boy.