Reflections...
It suddens me that I'm drifting farther and farther away from the "me" that I had wanted to be. I had thought that I was better and above all this superficial crap too, but I suppose it's hard to escape something when it's everywhere, on every front, from everyone
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This isn't you talking, it's your bruised ego. We all get a kick in the gut and our self-esteem goes lower from time to time, but it will get worse only if we let it. You will become whatever you tell yourself you will be, because that's the only thought in your head that stays and you have nothing positive to keep you up.
Seriously, why would you let this self-bashing continue on? LISTEN TO YOURSELF. Do you know what you sound like? You're always talking about how you wanted to be closer to God, etc. But all this negativity is weighing you down, and all you hear is Satan's voice. He makes you feel like you're not worthy, and that you're not even half of the person you are.
The way you think will affect your actions. So change your way of thinking!! Self-pity won't get you anywhere. Get out of this hole that you've dug up yourself. You're a child of Christ. And you shouldn't let anything waiver your faith. God loves you for who you are, and accepts every part of you, and if you aren't happy with the way you are, that means you are mocking God for His creations.
There is a reason why you are made the way you are, special purposes. These characteristics will help you achieve your goal. What makes you different from the others? Your faith. And as a Christian, you're supposed to be stronger in these "superficial" matters. If you really are a Christian, you wouldn't focus on things like that. One of the most important things of being a Christian is learning to care about others other than yourself, so that you can get a better perspective in life.
We can all just sit there and pick at our flaws, but that wouldn't get us anywhere or get anything done.
Pick yourself up, Pauline. You can't rely on anybody else to make you feel better. It has to start from you, you have to feel good about yourself and accept it. Sit down, and really, REALLY LOOK AT YOURSELF. Have a long talk with God, and listen to no one else but Him.
The rest of your friends are still here if you need them. But remember. Everything has to start from you.
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