I’ve given up on trying to sleep. I’m going to hate my life even more when I go to work in a few hours, but whatever. A pebble on a mountain
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Before I begin, I'd like to just clarify that, no, I am not in your shoes, no, I don't know everything about everything, and no, I'm not some kind of shrink. I don't know where and how your life is, nor where it is going, I don't claim to be at all knowledgeable about your situation, and hell, I don't even claim to know the slightest detail about your life! Having said that... For what it's worth, I think you need to start with a release. You seem to have a lot of pent up anger and aggression, along with other emotions, and you're turning it against yourself. In this modern world one can get arrested simply for acting angry, and that does make it difficult to let out any emotion and remain within the law.(And before anyone tells me I'm wrong, I'd like to point out that yelling at someone counts as assault. It used to be, you had to hit them. Now, raised voices are assault.) However, it is extremely unhealthy to deflect this aggression toward yourself. It invariably leads to severe depression, which in turn can make one tired, cause loss (Or increase) of appetite, amplify the effects of negative stimuli, cause erratic behavior, and even go so far as to make one physically ill. It is the leading indirect cause of alcoholism, drug addiction, and other self-depreciating behavior. Pent-up anger can also lead to suicidal thought processes and vociferous, often violent outbursts. Once again, I'm not some bearer of omnipotent knowledge, and I have sure as hell not gotten inside your head, so I can't tell you what you should do as a release, but if I may be so bold as to offer suggestions: Hit a pillow, write a poem, take a walk, take a run, listen to music (LOUDLY!!!). Draw a picture, ride a bike, talk to yourself. Plant a garden, burn a flower. Take up painting, take up wood carving... Hell, any hobby! I, personally, have times when I lock myself away from the world, blast the angriest music I have, gag myself, and scream! The point is that you're never going to have the clarity of mind to fix any of the bigger problems in your life until you release your emotions and clear your thoughts. Internal serenity and focused mental clarity is quite a wonderful thing.
In the meantime, try to keep your ball in the air.
*offers warm hugs* Thank you very much for your advice. I think writing this journal was my way of channeling said aggression. It helped quite a bit--I'm honored that you chose to read it and more, to offer (very good) suggestions!
Having said that...
For what it's worth, I think you need to start with a release. You seem to have a lot of pent up anger and aggression, along with other emotions, and you're turning it against yourself. In this modern world one can get arrested simply for acting angry, and that does make it difficult to let out any emotion and remain within the law.(And before anyone tells me I'm wrong, I'd like to point out that yelling at someone counts as assault. It used to be, you had to hit them. Now, raised voices are assault.) However, it is extremely unhealthy to deflect this aggression toward yourself. It invariably leads to severe depression, which in turn can make one tired, cause loss (Or increase) of appetite, amplify the effects of negative stimuli, cause erratic behavior, and even go so far as to make one physically ill. It is the leading indirect cause of alcoholism, drug addiction, and other self-depreciating behavior. Pent-up anger can also lead to suicidal thought processes and vociferous, often violent outbursts.
Once again, I'm not some bearer of omnipotent knowledge, and I have sure as hell not gotten inside your head, so I can't tell you what you should do as a release, but if I may be so bold as to offer suggestions:
Hit a pillow, write a poem, take a walk, take a run, listen to music (LOUDLY!!!). Draw a picture, ride a bike, talk to yourself. Plant a garden, burn a flower. Take up painting, take up wood carving... Hell, any hobby! I, personally, have times when I lock myself away from the world, blast the angriest music I have, gag myself, and scream!
The point is that you're never going to have the clarity of mind to fix any of the bigger problems in your life until you release your emotions and clear your thoughts.
Internal serenity and focused mental clarity is quite a wonderful thing.
In the meantime, try to keep your ball in the air.
Best regards,
Dizzy
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Glad I could help. Hope you feel better. If not, I hope you can work on it.
Keep your stick on the ice!
Cheers,
Dizzy
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