WARNING: Depressed Cougar Venting
I’ve given up on trying to sleep. I’m going to hate my life even more when I go to work in a few hours, but whatever. A pebble on a mountain.
I’ve been really messed up this summer. I haven’t been able to figure out what it is, either. Haven’t been able to, anyway. My blood sugar’s been all over the place with no rhyme or reason. At first I thought it was a dietary problem. I even thought it was hypoglycemia. But the clinic so no, shut up and go back to work. In about as many words.
I’ve played a lot of scenarios back at myself, and I think it’s depression. I really do. It makes sense, and explains the horrible knots I feel inside me. And also why I feel so desperately like I NEED to get off of night shift. I don’t have any friends here. On night shift, I mean. There’s the ferret, and the fox, and the wolf. And maybe even the panda. But…they all work on day shift. Wolf and fox wanna spend all their time together. And that’s fine. But whenever I wanna hang out with them, even when I make time for it, they’ve always got something to do, somewhere to be. And it’s mostly because we’re trying to coordinate three totally different work schedules. Mine is the one that breaks it, though. Ferret hangs out a lot at night with me. But it’s never with me, it’s back in the office. And either way I’m at work, I can’t interact with them. Especially with the Troll there breathing down my neck all night long. I’m lonely. So lonely it physically hurts. And I don’t see any way out of it. Except to move to another department.
Which leads right into my second problem. I’m in debt. A lot. It seems like no matter what I do, I just go further in debt. I had a get-out-of-debt-quick plan all set up for this summer, but I’ve blown all my money on doctors. And I’ve been out of work sick enough to count as a whole ‘nother paycheck gone. I can’t afford to switch departments. The pay cut would seal the lid on my coffin. My solution up until now has been to keep putting off going back to school. Work just a little longer. All that’s managed to do is keep me at my current level. And I can’t do that anymore-my student loans are due if I don’t go back to school this year. But I can’t afford to until I get out of debt. It’s a horrible, vicious cycle and I can’t see any way out of it.
The more I look at myself, the more I see how dark I’ve become. I was this depressed once before. I turned dark and evil and I was a horrible person to be around, and I hated myself. It was awful. And it’s happening all over again. I’m failing my family and my boss and my coworkers and myself and most of all, my friends. It’s pri a good thing I’m not the suicidal type, eh? Though if my nose doesn’t stop bleeding soon, it may not matter. Stupid nose. I’ve lost a couple pints in as many days. But getting THAT fixed is over $1000 plus ambulance costs (I don’t have a car, so it’s the only way to the hospital), and there’s no way I could ever afford that. Oh well, it’s only about a pint and a half a week--my body can replace it as fast as I’m losing it.
I’m sorry, all of you.
I’ve been really messed up this summer. I haven’t been able to figure out what it is, either. Haven’t been able to, anyway. My blood sugar’s been all over the place with no rhyme or reason. At first I thought it was a dietary problem. I even thought it was hypoglycemia. But the clinic so no, shut up and go back to work. In about as many words.
I’ve played a lot of scenarios back at myself, and I think it’s depression. I really do. It makes sense, and explains the horrible knots I feel inside me. And also why I feel so desperately like I NEED to get off of night shift. I don’t have any friends here. On night shift, I mean. There’s the ferret, and the fox, and the wolf. And maybe even the panda. But…they all work on day shift. Wolf and fox wanna spend all their time together. And that’s fine. But whenever I wanna hang out with them, even when I make time for it, they’ve always got something to do, somewhere to be. And it’s mostly because we’re trying to coordinate three totally different work schedules. Mine is the one that breaks it, though. Ferret hangs out a lot at night with me. But it’s never with me, it’s back in the office. And either way I’m at work, I can’t interact with them. Especially with the Troll there breathing down my neck all night long. I’m lonely. So lonely it physically hurts. And I don’t see any way out of it. Except to move to another department.
Which leads right into my second problem. I’m in debt. A lot. It seems like no matter what I do, I just go further in debt. I had a get-out-of-debt-quick plan all set up for this summer, but I’ve blown all my money on doctors. And I’ve been out of work sick enough to count as a whole ‘nother paycheck gone. I can’t afford to switch departments. The pay cut would seal the lid on my coffin. My solution up until now has been to keep putting off going back to school. Work just a little longer. All that’s managed to do is keep me at my current level. And I can’t do that anymore-my student loans are due if I don’t go back to school this year. But I can’t afford to until I get out of debt. It’s a horrible, vicious cycle and I can’t see any way out of it.
The more I look at myself, the more I see how dark I’ve become. I was this depressed once before. I turned dark and evil and I was a horrible person to be around, and I hated myself. It was awful. And it’s happening all over again. I’m failing my family and my boss and my coworkers and myself and most of all, my friends. It’s pri a good thing I’m not the suicidal type, eh? Though if my nose doesn’t stop bleeding soon, it may not matter. Stupid nose. I’ve lost a couple pints in as many days. But getting THAT fixed is over $1000 plus ambulance costs (I don’t have a car, so it’s the only way to the hospital), and there’s no way I could ever afford that. Oh well, it’s only about a pint and a half a week--my body can replace it as fast as I’m losing it.
I’m sorry, all of you.