There's this girl...
There is a girl--woman, rather; weird as it feels, I have no right to keep calling my cohorts immature--there is a female I feel split about. It's as if there are two of me whenever I am around her.
One Jari loves her in a deep and staggeringly platonic sort of way. We connect and understand each other on levels I can't even begin to comprehend, and there is no secret I would hold back from her, no hold barred from her admittance. We're best friends--bosom friends, even--I don't think I have anyone else I know so well. I'll freely admit a deep and abiding crush on her. Sometimes I'm swept away in happy wild fantasies about high mountain cabins and walks along the beech, candlelit diners and slow waltzes. When caught up in this, I find myself trying to show my love with pleasant surprises and in doing (and allowing) things I never normally would. Yet through all of this the unaffected, unfeeling (though not really "cold") analytical back corner of my mind is quite aware of the deep and fundamental differences between her and me, that except in the very unlikely event that these differences are reconciled, a long term Relationship between us could only end in disaster.
But there is a fully removed, utterly different me than he one described above. This part of me is madly, ragingly infatuated with her. I trust her so completely and implicitly with absolutely everything in and concerning me that I feel no shame around her at all, and this freedom gives unfortunate breath and power to certain fiery insanities and compulsions within me that should never, ever see the light of day, much less be given free reign. This other me does not and cannot exist at the same time as the above, and seems to be quite the antithesis, caring about nobody and nothing but me and me alone. I would that this part of me that is not me did, but no matter how much I fight it, sometimes it leaps unexpectedly into control of my entire being. I am deeply ashamed of this...and it's a credit to the woman in question that she puts up with me, this side included.
One Jari loves her in a deep and staggeringly platonic sort of way. We connect and understand each other on levels I can't even begin to comprehend, and there is no secret I would hold back from her, no hold barred from her admittance. We're best friends--bosom friends, even--I don't think I have anyone else I know so well. I'll freely admit a deep and abiding crush on her. Sometimes I'm swept away in happy wild fantasies about high mountain cabins and walks along the beech, candlelit diners and slow waltzes. When caught up in this, I find myself trying to show my love with pleasant surprises and in doing (and allowing) things I never normally would. Yet through all of this the unaffected, unfeeling (though not really "cold") analytical back corner of my mind is quite aware of the deep and fundamental differences between her and me, that except in the very unlikely event that these differences are reconciled, a long term Relationship between us could only end in disaster.
But there is a fully removed, utterly different me than he one described above. This part of me is madly, ragingly infatuated with her. I trust her so completely and implicitly with absolutely everything in and concerning me that I feel no shame around her at all, and this freedom gives unfortunate breath and power to certain fiery insanities and compulsions within me that should never, ever see the light of day, much less be given free reign. This other me does not and cannot exist at the same time as the above, and seems to be quite the antithesis, caring about nobody and nothing but me and me alone. I would that this part of me that is not me did, but no matter how much I fight it, sometimes it leaps unexpectedly into control of my entire being. I am deeply ashamed of this...and it's a credit to the woman in question that she puts up with me, this side included.