Enough is Enough
Sometimes God speaks to you through the things around you. For instance, I've been reading "She Said Yes", her mother's thoughts and reflections on the death of Cassie Bernall at Columbine High School eight or so years ago. I was in high school at the time as well, a Junior where Cassie was a Senior. At the time God and I were incredibly close-knit...I don't even know how to describe it. Every morning you'd wake up and just felt...at peace, like no matter what happened, you knew that God was in control of it all and He'd look out for yah, whether you lived or died that day. It wasn't just that I led a bible study at school -- the bible study was actually something of a byproduct of my closeness to/with God -- it was a sort of deep down knowledge in my heart that carried me through. Anyone who knew me there could tell you I was a lot more friendly and caring and not-self-centered, and just...different. I smiled a lot more back then. Sometimes I can still put on a pretty good act, but a part of me never feels like smiling. Ever. I can't smile with my soul anymore.
~Remember the height from which you have fallen...~
Six and a half years ago. Six and a half years ago God pointed out to me just how distant and wacko our Relationship had gotten, and suggested I leave UAF and go back to Idaho, to bible college. I'd made the agreement with God before that I'd go off to Alaska, but if He called, I'd drop everything and come running. Well, I did drop everything. Or more precisely, I dropped UAF, but that was it. I went running to Montana instead of Idaho, and eventually, my self-confidence and faith in the superiority of my own way shattered, back to Idaho. But not to bible college. Shortly after my return He showed me, through a friend, a bible college in Marsing, Idaho, or all things. I really kinda liked the little school, and I've felt a strong draw to it ever since. But I haven't gone. I knew (and know) in my heart that this school is where I need to be, but I've been ignoring and justifying it all away and in general just feeling miserable about myself and my life.
~...turn back and do again the things you did at first...~
Well no more. I'm done with trying to live my life atheistically, and I'm deeply sorry to all my friends for being so, well, not what I could be. I think I understand now why Bricket couldn’t stand to be around me anymore ("You're not the Jari I used to know", I think the quote was). Well, honestly, I can’t stand to be around me anymore either. So to and before God, Jesus, and you, my trusted friends... ~I sorry. For everything. More than six years ago You told me where I was going wrong and how to fix it, and I got so mad I turned my back on You. I don't like to hold grudges, but I have. There's a gaping hole in my heart, and I'm sick of trying to cram square pegs into it. So God, I may be late, but I'm taking you advice. I'm coming back to you again. Please come back to me, move back in and fill up the God-shaped hole in my heart and, like that one verse says, come in and mount garrison in my heart. I'm sorry I've hurt you, turned my back on you, but please, let's still be friends. I miss out friendship, out one-ness, and I still love You, even despite what my actions have been saying. So let's let bygones be bygones and start over from this point right here, yah? Oh, and I'm finally taking your advice.~ VBC, here I come. Next fall I'll be there.
Revelations 2:5
The tranq is kicking in, so I'd better go....
~Remember the height from which you have fallen...~
Six and a half years ago. Six and a half years ago God pointed out to me just how distant and wacko our Relationship had gotten, and suggested I leave UAF and go back to Idaho, to bible college. I'd made the agreement with God before that I'd go off to Alaska, but if He called, I'd drop everything and come running. Well, I did drop everything. Or more precisely, I dropped UAF, but that was it. I went running to Montana instead of Idaho, and eventually, my self-confidence and faith in the superiority of my own way shattered, back to Idaho. But not to bible college. Shortly after my return He showed me, through a friend, a bible college in Marsing, Idaho, or all things. I really kinda liked the little school, and I've felt a strong draw to it ever since. But I haven't gone. I knew (and know) in my heart that this school is where I need to be, but I've been ignoring and justifying it all away and in general just feeling miserable about myself and my life.
~...turn back and do again the things you did at first...~
Well no more. I'm done with trying to live my life atheistically, and I'm deeply sorry to all my friends for being so, well, not what I could be. I think I understand now why Bricket couldn’t stand to be around me anymore ("You're not the Jari I used to know", I think the quote was). Well, honestly, I can’t stand to be around me anymore either. So to and before God, Jesus, and you, my trusted friends... ~I sorry. For everything. More than six years ago You told me where I was going wrong and how to fix it, and I got so mad I turned my back on You. I don't like to hold grudges, but I have. There's a gaping hole in my heart, and I'm sick of trying to cram square pegs into it. So God, I may be late, but I'm taking you advice. I'm coming back to you again. Please come back to me, move back in and fill up the God-shaped hole in my heart and, like that one verse says, come in and mount garrison in my heart. I'm sorry I've hurt you, turned my back on you, but please, let's still be friends. I miss out friendship, out one-ness, and I still love You, even despite what my actions have been saying. So let's let bygones be bygones and start over from this point right here, yah? Oh, and I'm finally taking your advice.~ VBC, here I come. Next fall I'll be there.
Revelations 2:5
The tranq is kicking in, so I'd better go....