The Jarian Creed
Why do I believe what I believe? It's been ages now since my Wandering. I can no longer remember where I went or what religions and beliefs I tried, or even why I eventually turned from each. My motives in each case were sound and I should probably remember them, but they were all details to me--I was searching for ME, not reasons. But I didn't need to delve very far into my search, to try on very different kinds of habits, before I felt it in me. I've tried to say many times what. Even, to my shame, occasionally said I felt and thought things I didn't truly FEEL in my efforts to quantify it. I just knew. I knew what the Truth was on a level that defies logic or grasping or even feeling, not even offering a purchase with which to reason. But when hope is gone and water gone, when madness and defeat overwhelm and everything has abandoned you, it still remains. And in that moment the bit within you, that one last shred, doesn't concern itself with reason or context or source, it just exists. It tells me who I am, because it IS who I am. Deeper than bone or heart or emotions or beliefs or even soul, it simply is. I guess I'm a Christian not because of my beliefs or actions, then...I just am. Like my species--it cannot change, it simply is. As a song puts it, it "tells me whose I am." I wish that meant I knew all the answers.