Biological Imperative?

[jarrardi]

After much heart-searching and a thoughtful look at my past and my emotions, I've come to the conclusion that something I never was all that sure about is indeed the case. When I first found the collection of urges within me, it/they didn't surprise me. The fact that they didn't made me wonder if I wasn't only wishing they were there, and that they weren't really. That's the plastic nature of the (or at least my) mind...if you think about something, that thought is somewhere in your brain. So if you look for something in your brain, you will find it, because you have to think about it in order to look for it. Plus, if you want something, it becomes present in millions more spots simultaneously. Put more simply, I found within myself a sensitivity to pheromones, but I wasn't sure if it was real, or if I just wanted it to be real. For several years, when spring came and the pheromones were up (as I put it), I would find a very powerful knot of emotions that corresponded. But my question all along was "is this happening because it's spring (and the pheromones are up, etc.), or is it happening because I want it to happen because it's spring?" I'm afraid it is always my tendency to assume hypochondria in any situation involving myself. Everything from breaking a leg (I know it hurts, and I know it looks broken...but maybe I just really want it to be broken, and it's really just indigestion?) to searching my soul (see above). :-P Anyhow, I really wondered, and honestly doubted. Especially when it went away fro a couple years. But now it's back again, and a careful searching of my deep inner composition has revealed to me that it was there all along. Weird, but it explains much about me. I have this funky desire to be a mother. It's been there for a while, on one level or another, but I never really quite made all the connections in my head, and realized it was (at least in part) seasonal. Or at least the intensity of it. Dun ask me what that means on a biopsychological level. That was what I wanted to study, when I wanted to be a Biologist. Comparative endocrinology and biopsychology (or is that psychobiology?). Sounds like so much fun when reduced to a term or three, doesn't it? :-P
Anyhow, in related news, I'm sort of on an internal emotional/metaphysical journey with spiritual overtones. Thanks in a very large part to divine intervention, I've stayed on the path, though it's been very, very rocky in parts. This is perhaps further than I've veer been consciously on this path, and I feel in my heart that I will soon be reaching the summit, after which it will be a much easier downhill slide. But it's always steepest before the summit, though I'm hopeful this time in a way I never was before. Well, not for this long, anyways. *hugs you all tight* I love you very much!