Losing My Innocence Chapter 9
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: SiHae (SiwonXDonghae), featuring Yoona
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Romance, Slash
Disclaimer: Story is fictional
Note: Written in Donghae's POV
Chapter List | Work Archives
The Bird and The Fish
losing my innocence
by Jarield Lunel de Mourcerf
Chapter 9
How dare he?!!! That stupid bastard Choi Siwon was seriously making me angry. I had been holding this cauldron of intense wrath since yesterday but it was today when he finally pulled the trigger and made me erupt. I don’t know where did this all anger come from? But it all started when I received that text message and Siwon provided me the latest news of him and Ayumi on a date. Well that was just the small fire; the fuel came after that night when Eunhyuk told me that Siwon and Ayumi was an official couple. And with just one date!? They finally became an item? What the hell?! And Siwon didn’t had the balls to actually tell me, and I have to know it from Eunhyuk whom he found out from Hara whom Hara found from her friend Gyuri whom she found from her boyfriend Shindong whom he from his neighbor Soyeon who’s friends with that Ayumi bitch!
Thank you to my long term memory, I finally remembered who the hell was that Ayumi girl. Well, she’s a girl from the other class who apparently loved to act cute and sweet, and very annoying. She had confessed to me last year, but I rejected her (that was how I learned her existence). And now, she had become Siwon’s girlfriend?!
I literally went to school early to have ‘the talk’ with Siwon about the Ayumi-incident. I couldn’t tell if I’m angry because Siwon was dating Ayumi or because he did not tell me? All I knew was that I’m angry, and I didn’t want the idea of Siwon and Ayumi together!
I found Siwon in the rooftop sitting in the floor, and I did not waste any time to confront the bastard.
“Since when did you and Ayumi started going out?” I asked Siwon in a demanding tone.
Siwon shrugged and answered casually “Yesterday, when she confessed to me.”
“She just confessed to you and you said yes right away?!” I said in shocked. Seriously, Siwon’s answer makes me boil.
“So what? She’s cute, and she likes me.”
“Do you like her?” I asked back.
“Does it matter? She got what she wanted.” Siwon said like it was nothing. Words from a real player I suppose.
“Siwon, you can’t just do that!” I shouted at him.
“Why not? I just did! Did I?” he shouted back. I could tell he was also becoming irritated.
“It’s wrong! You are giving false hope. It’s like you are toying her emotions.” I meant what I said. Although that wasn’t the only reason why I’m against Siwon and Ayumi’s affair.
Siwon stood up towering me. “Could you stop lecturing me Donghae?! I’m not a child anymore! And you are not my mother! Let me handle my own life!”Siwon yelled, the kind of yell that totally tells me to fuck off and he wouldn’t listen to anything I would say.
“Yes it is your life. But it doesn’t mean that you always do the right thing in the first place. That’s why I am here…”
“To what? To act like some sort of a fuck up guardian angel? Because you always know the best? Bullshit!” Siwon scoffed “Why are you so mad anyway?”Siwon asked in irritation and I found myself not answering him because I cannot find any more words to say. “Are you pissed that Ayumi likes me now? You’re one of those aren’t you?
“One of what?”
“One of those guys who dumps a girl and get all mad when another guy got her in the end. I can’t believe you are such an egotistical douche. I asked again, why are you pissed? You didn’t like Ayumi, You like Yoona right?” Siwon’s voice was full of mockery. Somehow, the Siwon whom I learned to get along with all these times was gone and now he’s back to his old bastard self.
I didn’t know where did Siwon get all those accusations. Although none of them were true, it still stung. Did Siwon hate me now? Somehow I didn’t like the thought of Siwon hating me. There were so many things I wanted to say but I didn’t know where to start nor had the capability to speak on the first place. Why was I mad at the first place? All I knew was that I just got angry the moment I had known that Siwon already had a new girlfriend. Actually, I never thought of Yoona until he mentioned it.
“Why are you startled? Because what I said was true right? Now who is the bastard between us?” Siwon mocked me with his arrogance. Somehow, I think I might cry anytime. It was not because of what Siwon said was true; but the way he treated me. I was not expecting him to treat me well because I was the one who started this, but this was just too much. Siwon was an asshole from the very start, but after that we’ve been through. In our secret little way, I felt like we became real friends and now with just this incident, it felt like we were back to how we used to be. I was angry, and he was angry, and now this was all fucked up.
“You are hurting Yoona…” It wasn’t the utmost truth, but that was the only logical explanation I could provide him. Unfortunately, wrong to what I anticipated, those words only made Siwon angrier.
“Yoona! Yoona! Yoona! That’s all I hear coming from your stupid mouth. If you really love her why don’t you make a move to get her to like you than beg me not to hurt your precious bestfriend. All you do is whine on me and make me do the things you should be doing. Let’s set things straight. I am not fucking in love with Yoona! And if I hurt her, I don’t care. And if you are hurt because she is hurt! I don’t fucking care! So please stop with all this Yoona crap! I’m sick of it! I’m sick of your pathetic lame Yoona-ass Lee Donghae, you disgusts me!”Siwon screeched in anger, and it might be my imagination, but he somehow sounded bitter, of what? I could feel every word down my spine. A mixture of anger and sadness was what I feel right now, clenching my fist, and trying to stop myself from crying. Men didn’t cry.
I didn’t answer again but Siwon carried on with his mockery “So what are you gonna do ha Donghae? Are you gonna cry or are you gonna punch me.” He smirked. “That is where you are good at anyway. Pathetic whiner you are.”
“You are not worth it Choi Siwon.” I said coldly as I walked pass him and leave.
-----
Nobody bothered to talk to me the moment I was inside our classroom. It seemed that everybody in our room felt my bad mood. It was a rare sight for my classmates. Well, who else would feel odd when the famous cheerful Lee Donghae suddenly becoming grumpy and looking like ready to kill; not even Yoona or Eunhyuk tried to ask. But I could feel that everybody was curious on what brought my bad mood.
The situation worsened when Siwon also entered our classroom. Our eyes meet for a second before he proceeded to his seat which is by the way just beside me. He walked with much arrogance like a genuine bad boy. Bastard!
Guess we are back to being enemies again… And it was sad going back to square one.
-----
It was during the break that I had seen the worst of the worst. Because I had so much hate for the world right now; I decided to stay in one of the most secluded place in the school. I was just looking for a good shaded place to stay when I noticed a foreign figure among the vegetation of trees.
Oh right! Just my luck to see a couple making out! That was just the bad part, but the worst part was to actually cross path with the bastard and his new whore. To know that Siwon had a new girlfriend was one thing but to actually see them in action was like boiling lava inside my soul. Damn hell Siwon, he was not only a womanizer, he did not even have any decency.
It did not take long before Ayumi noticed me looking at them. In panic, she pushed Siwon but was not strong enough to do it fully.
“Donghae-oppa!” she exclaimed and I noticed that her blouse were unbuttoned and Siwon’s right hand disappeared inside her skirt. I controlled myself to do any action to push them away from each other. Damn! Why was Siwon touching her there?
“Hey what are you looking at!?” Siwon finally said. As I met his eyes; I noticed them to soften a little before giving another cold stare. What the hell was that? “This is not pay-per-view! Go somewhere else where you cannot disturb us!” he ordered as Ayumi bowed in apology. Ayumi appeared to be really ashamed of being caught while Siwon was just like okay with it. Such a bastard! Siwon had always been like that. He liked showing off his women.
With that, I gave them a disgusted look before walking away trying to sort out all my emotions. They can make ugly babies for all I care!
-----
Our gym teacher gave us a free day today. In other words, we could do whatever we please for an hour. We were also allowed to play any sport we wanted. Occasionally, I would go to the soccer field but I was not in the mood to play right now. Actually, I was not in the mood to do anything. So I ended up staying being dragged by Eunhyuk in the basketball court.
And once I arrived in the court, I was the least pleased to see the bastard. How could I forget, Siwon was a basketball player. So I ended up sitting in the bleachers while Siwon played with Eunhyuk. Like I care anyway.
Momentarily, I noticed the ball rolled to my direction as it halted in front of me in the ground.
“You! Bring the ball here!” I heard someone yelled at me; somebody very familiar. Was he ordering me? Oh no he didn’t?
“Are you talking to me?” I asked Siwon coldly.
“Is there any other person there? Unless you tell me you are not human.” Siwon answered me back in a fight. And I could tell that people around us were tensing. A Siwon-Donghae fight was always something they were afraid to occur.
“Guys, I think you two need to chill out.” Eunhyuk said nervously. Obviously it was not working. “I’ll go get the ball…” Eunhyuk volunteered as he stuttered in speaking.
“Eunhyuk don’t bother your self.” Siwon ordered Eunhyuk and I could feel Eunhyuk’s fear because Siwon and I are probably scary. “You let him get it.” Siwon finished eyeing at me with his evil smirk.
“It’s your ball bastard! Come and get it!” I snapped giving him the same treatment as he raised an eyebrow to show me his arrogance. I so want to kill him right now. This bastard was so full of himself. In the end, I compromised and got up lazily from the seat, I slowly bent over to pick the ball. And just when it was near my hand to grab it somebody else shoved it. As I looked up to see who was culprit when I saw the face of a bastard. I stood straight to face Choi Siwon and look him eye-to-eye. What the fuck? Was he the one who was playing boss and asking me to pick up the stupid ball? But in the end it was him who was going to pick it up? This guy was insane! What a douche!
Siwon walked away in confidence and arrogance. I made a face of wanting to smack him right now. He looked back and my eyes met his fiery ones.
“Let’s play.” he said in a challenging tone.
“Are you challenging me?” I asked him showing him the arrogance he was portraying. I was not going to back out.
“Then what does it appear to you?” he said and threw the ball to me. I managed to catch it
I walked pass him and started dribbling walking closer near the ring. I stopped when I was just near him, I held the ball with my hands and gave him a chest pass.
“Let’s play half-court.” Siwon suggested, he dribbled the ball before passing it Eunhyuk.
“Eunhyuk, serve as our referee.” he ordered Eunhyuk. The smaller guy just swallowed out of fear and nerves.
So the game started between Siwon and I. And in no time, we started gathering audience again. I could tell that we got spectators and it looked like the word was spread rather fast that there are more people in the gym now to see our match. Yeah of course, a Siwon-Donghae fight in any possible way was always an event that needed to be seen. I hate how this feud was like a drama series for my classmates and the whole school. Well, Siwon was the kind of person who always loved attention and I was always the one who was dragged to all this shit. Well, no pint in complaining now. Besides, beating this bastard in front of the whole school was a wonderful idea.
Anybody could tell that this was not just a simple game but a battle between us. Siwon and I got some cheers but I didn’t really care. All I care about was to beat the shit out this bastard. I did not win to Siwon in any basketball game we had in the past. But I knew if there was match I had to win; it’s gotta be this.
Siwon was the one who scored first with his three-point shot. How can he be so great in shooting a ball from a far distance?
“Is that all what you got Lee Donghae?”
“Shut up bastard! This is just the beginning.” I yelled.
And before I knew it, the game was settled again. And just like how it started; the battle between us became heated more than ever. Siwon had become more aggressive and so as I. After a series of defense and offense I finally got three-point-shot myself. The crowd erupted.
“Is that all you got Choi Siwon?” now it is my turn to mock him.
“You just got lucky. I just went easy with you.” he declared boastfully.
And for the second time Siwon and I kept in playing. I figured out, this was no longer a game of release of anger. This is a battle of pride. And in this battlefield, no one among us wanted to lose. It does not matter who was wrong or right, or who was at fault. It’s just that we want to defeat one another now. The game continued as both Siwon and I scored every now and then that we were still tied.
The game had become very furious. I was trying with all my might to steal the ball from Siwon’s grasp. So I did a trick and squatted while running to get the ball. I succeeded on getting it. But as I kept on dribbling, I somehow lost my balance and slipped, my body sliding to the floor. That was when I noticed that the crowd had been quiet but no one really bothered to help me.
I cursed under my breath. I hate this! I hate losing and being humiliated. I sat up. I did not expect Siwon’s face when I looked at him. I expected a smirked, and something triumphant in his face, that he finally humiliated me. But no, none of those were evident in his face, rather, he was looking at me with a noticeable worry. In that moment, our eyes met, and it felt like we were the only people in the whole court. Is he worried of me? Why? Wasn’t he angry at me? Weren’t we back to being enemies? Why was he looking at me like he cared?
It was one of the most confusing moments of my life. Siwon’s eyes and actions would always left me hanging with questions in my head.
“Okay! Stop this commotion! Class is over!” our gym teacher announced all of a sudden. I stood up immediately as the students one by one were walking out of the gym whining while Siwon and I stayed in our position.
“You sure know how to make a commotion.” our teacher further commented “It’s the two of you again…” our teacher sighed.
“We were just playing a game. It was not our fault that our classmates would love to watch.” Siwon explained. Somehow, I think Siwon was very scary. He always had the talent to act his self out of any tough situation.
“I assume you are telling the truth Mr. Choi, I didn’t want to send both of you in the principal’s office.” our teacher said his final words and walked away and left Siwon and I.
“Let’s end this later. Let’s meet at the court.” I heard Siwon whispered in my ear. I didn’t know how he came close or maybe I was not paying much attention in my surroundings. I glanced at him and searched for his eyes. All I got was a stern look. What was I looking for?
I watched Siwon’s retreating back as he exited the court.
-----
I did not go back to the classroom after gym class. Rather, I stayed in one of the benches in our school grounds. I needed to clear my head.
‘You are so messed up Lee Donghae…’ I admitted to myself. ‘And this all because you let your emotions ruled over you again… Why are you so affected anyway? Why are you so mad? What’s wrong with Siwon having a girlfriend? It’s pretty normal right? Siwon is a guy, and is single... You know it’s not just Yoona. And why are you so hurt that Siwon treats you like shit now? You are the one who started this… You deserve this Donghae…’
While sitting in the bench in my train of thoughts a towel was placed in my head. I looked up to see who did it and saw somebody I never expected. Yoona smiled and handed me a bottle of energy drink. When I did not respond, she grabbed my hand and forced me to hold it. Yoona gave me a commanding look to drink its contents and so I did comply. There was no point on being disobedient. And I think I needed a drink in the first place anyway. After drinking I placed the empty bottle to my side. Yoona smiled at me calmly as she reached to the towel and dampened it in my head to dry my hair.
“What did you and Siwon fight again this time?..” her voice was soft along with her actions, maybe trying to pacify the mood. “You two will never just get along.” That was statement. I just stayed in my position looking at the ground. I just can’t look at her right now. “Is this about Ayumi?” she finally asked and I tensed. Yoona might have felt it as she stopped in her actions, taking her hands away from my head. I did not give her a reply. “That is what everybody is saying… I just want to ask you first.” she was unsure.
“Yoona, are you still in love with Siwon?” I asked her but still looking at the ground.
“Hae, you know it perfectly. You don’t have to ask me.” I heard her say. I looked up at her to see a bitter smile painted in her face. I looked back to the ground before I say another word. “Siwon, I hate that bastard. He just does what he wants, never caring what other people feel. He does not care what you feel, or what Ayumi may feel, or the other girls he did play and was playing.”
‘He does not care how I feel.’
“Yeah, he really is an evil guy…” Yoona agreed with slight naughtiness in her voice. “Thank you Hae.” She then said.
“For what?” I asked and look at her.
“For trying to make Siwon pay for what he’s doing to me, and to all the girls he made cry. I haven’t thanked you yet didn’t I? So in behalf of the female population who had shed thousand of droplets of tears because of the player Choi Siwon, I thanked you. You know? You should be proud, you are like a hero for us in some way.” Yoona said in the most joyous manner she could but I could see she was quite hurt. I know that she said that to make me feel better but I also know she meant it.
I just stared at her not bothering to speak at all. Seeing her trying to stop her tears ruled my over-protectiveness in her again. “All this time, you are hating Siwon because of me. But you really don’t have to do it Hae. But at least I wanna thank you.” Yoona said and this time, I just couldn’t look at her because of guilt.
Like Siwon, Yoona also thought that I was doing this for her. But that wasn’t the case anymore. I wanted to tell her everything. To tell her that she did not have to feel obligated of my actions. That it wasn’t really her. It was used to be her, and maybe a part of it was her but it was not all about her anymore. This time, a large part of it had something to do with me, just me. But how could I explain anything when even I was confused with my own emotions?
“You need to change your clothes. Come on I’ll help you take it off.” She blurted maybe to change the uneasiness in the air.
I hesitated to do it until Yoona grabbed the hem of my shirt and gently pulled it. I surrendered and just let the fabric slipped out of my body until I was naked by the torso. Yoona grabbed the towel as she continued on damping it to my body to dry me from my own sweat.
For the first time that day, I felt peaceful. The way she cared for me by this moment, I just can’t help but be overwhelmed. When she was finished, Yoona smiled at me, one of her angelic flat smile. And I responded with a smile as well.
“Now you need a dry shirt…” she commented while trying to grab a white shirt. She always carried one extra shirt for me because she knew that I always tend to forget mine. I never really appreciated the regular gesture until now.
Without much thought, I stood up and pulled Yoona to myself and wrap my arms around her even before she could get the shirt. I didn’t know what had taken over me to do such a thing. Was it because of desperation? Or just what I really want to do right now? But damn! It felt good to embrace my bestfriend! It felt good to be close into something familiar and warm. This was one of those moments that I was not the wannabe prince trying to protect the princess, because the princess did not need me. This time, I was the needy one. I needed her - a friend, a companion, just someone to lean on.
I could feel Yoona tensed a little from my actions. But eventually, she relaxed in my arms and returned my embrace. I could feel Yoona rested his head in my bare chest and her arms tightly clinging in my back. I realized that I still had not put my shirt on and that I could feel every touch directly in my skin. I closed my eyes resting my head in her shoulders. And by that moment, I feel content. This was what I needed.
------
When I arrived at the court I noticed that Siwon was already there sitting in the ground. He was sitting there with his legs stretched wide and his hands in the ground looking into the sky. He looked rather peaceful. Looking at Siwon, I felt like all the anger I felt all diminished. I had calmed down now but seeing Siwon only pacified me somehow. A little bit unexpected because I though that seeing him would only bring back the rage I felt.
I stood there witnessing everything. Then I got scared, I was scared that I couldn’t even move my feet. So much drama had already occurred to this day; and I didn’t want to deal another one. What if, what if this will be the end? What will happen after this night? I now knew how much he really meant to me. He meant so much to me. I didn’t know what he really is to me, but he meant something. Perhaps, he could be the person closest to me now. He even knew more of my secrets than Yoona or Eunhyuk. I realized, I didn’t want to lose the bond we built over my immaturity and my selfishness.
Siwon finally noticed me and I couldn’t read his expression. He stood up, and I looked away trembling; holding my left arm with my right hand; squeezing it tightly. I didn’t know what to say. And I’m not even prepared for the worst.
“You want some gummy bears?” Siwon uttered the words softly. I didn’t expect that.
“Ah sure…”
Siwon handed me a plastic bag containing gummy bears. I took and ate some before returning it to Siwon.
“Okay, let’s have a deal.” He said giving me a long look. I did not answer and just waited for him to speak again “I’ll stop being a bastard, and you’ll stop being a jerk!”
“Just like that?”
“Yes simple as that, I don’t want to go into another long brawn battle of wills. We had done another one all throughout this day, and I’m tired for another one.”
“I don’t want another one as well.” I paused, There really was not any point in all the mess we did. We were no longer kids, although we just acted one. We should at least be civil in this manner. I should have handled the situation better and I should have not let my emotion ruled over my actions. In the end, I was aware that I was the one who cause the current situation we were in. “I’ll make the deal but before that, I…” I swallowed. “I wanted to apologize first. I mean, I don’t know, I was just so angry this morning over Ayumi, and I didn’t know how to control it. I was just angry with you for whatever fuck up reason. Siwon, I’m really sorry. Except for me liking Ayumi, everything you said was true anyway. That I’m pathetic, and disgusting…”
“Cut all the crap Fishy!” Came a sharp reply from Siwon. There was some intense glare from his eyes again. “Don’t play the goodie-goodie kid again! Everything I said was just garbage! I said those words because I wanted to hurt you. And well, you just let all those shit things that I say get into you and flip badly. ”
“But Siwon…”
“Shut up!” He was furious “You’re not disgusting, and you’re not pathetic. Just forget everything I said this morning, none of them were true! So cut all these crap now and let’s just get with the deal!”
I sighed and sat in the floor. Siwon followed suit and sat beside me.
“You really bring the worse in me Siwon.”
“I could say the same thing to you Fishy.”
“Deal…” I uttered, Siwon looked at me with his eyebrows raised. “I will stop being a jerk, and you will stop being a bastard.”
Siwon smiled at me, and I smiled back. Basketball was out of the question for tonight. We simply wanted to watch the stars.
to be continued...
Author’s Note: How was that for an update?
Thank you for the time you allotted into reading my story. You are amazing!
Pairing: SiHae (SiwonXDonghae), featuring Yoona
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Romance, Slash
Disclaimer: Story is fictional
Note: Written in Donghae's POV
Chapter List | Work Archives
The Bird and The Fish
losing my innocence
by Jarield Lunel de Mourcerf
Chapter 9
How dare he?!!! That stupid bastard Choi Siwon was seriously making me angry. I had been holding this cauldron of intense wrath since yesterday but it was today when he finally pulled the trigger and made me erupt. I don’t know where did this all anger come from? But it all started when I received that text message and Siwon provided me the latest news of him and Ayumi on a date. Well that was just the small fire; the fuel came after that night when Eunhyuk told me that Siwon and Ayumi was an official couple. And with just one date!? They finally became an item? What the hell?! And Siwon didn’t had the balls to actually tell me, and I have to know it from Eunhyuk whom he found out from Hara whom Hara found from her friend Gyuri whom she found from her boyfriend Shindong whom he from his neighbor Soyeon who’s friends with that Ayumi bitch!
Thank you to my long term memory, I finally remembered who the hell was that Ayumi girl. Well, she’s a girl from the other class who apparently loved to act cute and sweet, and very annoying. She had confessed to me last year, but I rejected her (that was how I learned her existence). And now, she had become Siwon’s girlfriend?!
I literally went to school early to have ‘the talk’ with Siwon about the Ayumi-incident. I couldn’t tell if I’m angry because Siwon was dating Ayumi or because he did not tell me? All I knew was that I’m angry, and I didn’t want the idea of Siwon and Ayumi together!
I found Siwon in the rooftop sitting in the floor, and I did not waste any time to confront the bastard.
“Since when did you and Ayumi started going out?” I asked Siwon in a demanding tone.
Siwon shrugged and answered casually “Yesterday, when she confessed to me.”
“She just confessed to you and you said yes right away?!” I said in shocked. Seriously, Siwon’s answer makes me boil.
“So what? She’s cute, and she likes me.”
“Do you like her?” I asked back.
“Does it matter? She got what she wanted.” Siwon said like it was nothing. Words from a real player I suppose.
“Siwon, you can’t just do that!” I shouted at him.
“Why not? I just did! Did I?” he shouted back. I could tell he was also becoming irritated.
“It’s wrong! You are giving false hope. It’s like you are toying her emotions.” I meant what I said. Although that wasn’t the only reason why I’m against Siwon and Ayumi’s affair.
Siwon stood up towering me. “Could you stop lecturing me Donghae?! I’m not a child anymore! And you are not my mother! Let me handle my own life!”Siwon yelled, the kind of yell that totally tells me to fuck off and he wouldn’t listen to anything I would say.
“Yes it is your life. But it doesn’t mean that you always do the right thing in the first place. That’s why I am here…”
“To what? To act like some sort of a fuck up guardian angel? Because you always know the best? Bullshit!” Siwon scoffed “Why are you so mad anyway?”Siwon asked in irritation and I found myself not answering him because I cannot find any more words to say. “Are you pissed that Ayumi likes me now? You’re one of those aren’t you?
“One of what?”
“One of those guys who dumps a girl and get all mad when another guy got her in the end. I can’t believe you are such an egotistical douche. I asked again, why are you pissed? You didn’t like Ayumi, You like Yoona right?” Siwon’s voice was full of mockery. Somehow, the Siwon whom I learned to get along with all these times was gone and now he’s back to his old bastard self.
I didn’t know where did Siwon get all those accusations. Although none of them were true, it still stung. Did Siwon hate me now? Somehow I didn’t like the thought of Siwon hating me. There were so many things I wanted to say but I didn’t know where to start nor had the capability to speak on the first place. Why was I mad at the first place? All I knew was that I just got angry the moment I had known that Siwon already had a new girlfriend. Actually, I never thought of Yoona until he mentioned it.
“Why are you startled? Because what I said was true right? Now who is the bastard between us?” Siwon mocked me with his arrogance. Somehow, I think I might cry anytime. It was not because of what Siwon said was true; but the way he treated me. I was not expecting him to treat me well because I was the one who started this, but this was just too much. Siwon was an asshole from the very start, but after that we’ve been through. In our secret little way, I felt like we became real friends and now with just this incident, it felt like we were back to how we used to be. I was angry, and he was angry, and now this was all fucked up.
“You are hurting Yoona…” It wasn’t the utmost truth, but that was the only logical explanation I could provide him. Unfortunately, wrong to what I anticipated, those words only made Siwon angrier.
“Yoona! Yoona! Yoona! That’s all I hear coming from your stupid mouth. If you really love her why don’t you make a move to get her to like you than beg me not to hurt your precious bestfriend. All you do is whine on me and make me do the things you should be doing. Let’s set things straight. I am not fucking in love with Yoona! And if I hurt her, I don’t care. And if you are hurt because she is hurt! I don’t fucking care! So please stop with all this Yoona crap! I’m sick of it! I’m sick of your pathetic lame Yoona-ass Lee Donghae, you disgusts me!”Siwon screeched in anger, and it might be my imagination, but he somehow sounded bitter, of what? I could feel every word down my spine. A mixture of anger and sadness was what I feel right now, clenching my fist, and trying to stop myself from crying. Men didn’t cry.
I didn’t answer again but Siwon carried on with his mockery “So what are you gonna do ha Donghae? Are you gonna cry or are you gonna punch me.” He smirked. “That is where you are good at anyway. Pathetic whiner you are.”
“You are not worth it Choi Siwon.” I said coldly as I walked pass him and leave.
-----
Nobody bothered to talk to me the moment I was inside our classroom. It seemed that everybody in our room felt my bad mood. It was a rare sight for my classmates. Well, who else would feel odd when the famous cheerful Lee Donghae suddenly becoming grumpy and looking like ready to kill; not even Yoona or Eunhyuk tried to ask. But I could feel that everybody was curious on what brought my bad mood.
The situation worsened when Siwon also entered our classroom. Our eyes meet for a second before he proceeded to his seat which is by the way just beside me. He walked with much arrogance like a genuine bad boy. Bastard!
Guess we are back to being enemies again… And it was sad going back to square one.
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It was during the break that I had seen the worst of the worst. Because I had so much hate for the world right now; I decided to stay in one of the most secluded place in the school. I was just looking for a good shaded place to stay when I noticed a foreign figure among the vegetation of trees.
Oh right! Just my luck to see a couple making out! That was just the bad part, but the worst part was to actually cross path with the bastard and his new whore. To know that Siwon had a new girlfriend was one thing but to actually see them in action was like boiling lava inside my soul. Damn hell Siwon, he was not only a womanizer, he did not even have any decency.
It did not take long before Ayumi noticed me looking at them. In panic, she pushed Siwon but was not strong enough to do it fully.
“Donghae-oppa!” she exclaimed and I noticed that her blouse were unbuttoned and Siwon’s right hand disappeared inside her skirt. I controlled myself to do any action to push them away from each other. Damn! Why was Siwon touching her there?
“Hey what are you looking at!?” Siwon finally said. As I met his eyes; I noticed them to soften a little before giving another cold stare. What the hell was that? “This is not pay-per-view! Go somewhere else where you cannot disturb us!” he ordered as Ayumi bowed in apology. Ayumi appeared to be really ashamed of being caught while Siwon was just like okay with it. Such a bastard! Siwon had always been like that. He liked showing off his women.
With that, I gave them a disgusted look before walking away trying to sort out all my emotions. They can make ugly babies for all I care!
-----
Our gym teacher gave us a free day today. In other words, we could do whatever we please for an hour. We were also allowed to play any sport we wanted. Occasionally, I would go to the soccer field but I was not in the mood to play right now. Actually, I was not in the mood to do anything. So I ended up staying being dragged by Eunhyuk in the basketball court.
And once I arrived in the court, I was the least pleased to see the bastard. How could I forget, Siwon was a basketball player. So I ended up sitting in the bleachers while Siwon played with Eunhyuk. Like I care anyway.
Momentarily, I noticed the ball rolled to my direction as it halted in front of me in the ground.
“You! Bring the ball here!” I heard someone yelled at me; somebody very familiar. Was he ordering me? Oh no he didn’t?
“Are you talking to me?” I asked Siwon coldly.
“Is there any other person there? Unless you tell me you are not human.” Siwon answered me back in a fight. And I could tell that people around us were tensing. A Siwon-Donghae fight was always something they were afraid to occur.
“Guys, I think you two need to chill out.” Eunhyuk said nervously. Obviously it was not working. “I’ll go get the ball…” Eunhyuk volunteered as he stuttered in speaking.
“Eunhyuk don’t bother your self.” Siwon ordered Eunhyuk and I could feel Eunhyuk’s fear because Siwon and I are probably scary. “You let him get it.” Siwon finished eyeing at me with his evil smirk.
“It’s your ball bastard! Come and get it!” I snapped giving him the same treatment as he raised an eyebrow to show me his arrogance. I so want to kill him right now. This bastard was so full of himself. In the end, I compromised and got up lazily from the seat, I slowly bent over to pick the ball. And just when it was near my hand to grab it somebody else shoved it. As I looked up to see who was culprit when I saw the face of a bastard. I stood straight to face Choi Siwon and look him eye-to-eye. What the fuck? Was he the one who was playing boss and asking me to pick up the stupid ball? But in the end it was him who was going to pick it up? This guy was insane! What a douche!
Siwon walked away in confidence and arrogance. I made a face of wanting to smack him right now. He looked back and my eyes met his fiery ones.
“Let’s play.” he said in a challenging tone.
“Are you challenging me?” I asked him showing him the arrogance he was portraying. I was not going to back out.
“Then what does it appear to you?” he said and threw the ball to me. I managed to catch it
I walked pass him and started dribbling walking closer near the ring. I stopped when I was just near him, I held the ball with my hands and gave him a chest pass.
“Let’s play half-court.” Siwon suggested, he dribbled the ball before passing it Eunhyuk.
“Eunhyuk, serve as our referee.” he ordered Eunhyuk. The smaller guy just swallowed out of fear and nerves.
So the game started between Siwon and I. And in no time, we started gathering audience again. I could tell that we got spectators and it looked like the word was spread rather fast that there are more people in the gym now to see our match. Yeah of course, a Siwon-Donghae fight in any possible way was always an event that needed to be seen. I hate how this feud was like a drama series for my classmates and the whole school. Well, Siwon was the kind of person who always loved attention and I was always the one who was dragged to all this shit. Well, no pint in complaining now. Besides, beating this bastard in front of the whole school was a wonderful idea.
Anybody could tell that this was not just a simple game but a battle between us. Siwon and I got some cheers but I didn’t really care. All I care about was to beat the shit out this bastard. I did not win to Siwon in any basketball game we had in the past. But I knew if there was match I had to win; it’s gotta be this.
Siwon was the one who scored first with his three-point shot. How can he be so great in shooting a ball from a far distance?
“Is that all what you got Lee Donghae?”
“Shut up bastard! This is just the beginning.” I yelled.
And before I knew it, the game was settled again. And just like how it started; the battle between us became heated more than ever. Siwon had become more aggressive and so as I. After a series of defense and offense I finally got three-point-shot myself. The crowd erupted.
“Is that all you got Choi Siwon?” now it is my turn to mock him.
“You just got lucky. I just went easy with you.” he declared boastfully.
And for the second time Siwon and I kept in playing. I figured out, this was no longer a game of release of anger. This is a battle of pride. And in this battlefield, no one among us wanted to lose. It does not matter who was wrong or right, or who was at fault. It’s just that we want to defeat one another now. The game continued as both Siwon and I scored every now and then that we were still tied.
The game had become very furious. I was trying with all my might to steal the ball from Siwon’s grasp. So I did a trick and squatted while running to get the ball. I succeeded on getting it. But as I kept on dribbling, I somehow lost my balance and slipped, my body sliding to the floor. That was when I noticed that the crowd had been quiet but no one really bothered to help me.
I cursed under my breath. I hate this! I hate losing and being humiliated. I sat up. I did not expect Siwon’s face when I looked at him. I expected a smirked, and something triumphant in his face, that he finally humiliated me. But no, none of those were evident in his face, rather, he was looking at me with a noticeable worry. In that moment, our eyes met, and it felt like we were the only people in the whole court. Is he worried of me? Why? Wasn’t he angry at me? Weren’t we back to being enemies? Why was he looking at me like he cared?
It was one of the most confusing moments of my life. Siwon’s eyes and actions would always left me hanging with questions in my head.
“Okay! Stop this commotion! Class is over!” our gym teacher announced all of a sudden. I stood up immediately as the students one by one were walking out of the gym whining while Siwon and I stayed in our position.
“You sure know how to make a commotion.” our teacher further commented “It’s the two of you again…” our teacher sighed.
“We were just playing a game. It was not our fault that our classmates would love to watch.” Siwon explained. Somehow, I think Siwon was very scary. He always had the talent to act his self out of any tough situation.
“I assume you are telling the truth Mr. Choi, I didn’t want to send both of you in the principal’s office.” our teacher said his final words and walked away and left Siwon and I.
“Let’s end this later. Let’s meet at the court.” I heard Siwon whispered in my ear. I didn’t know how he came close or maybe I was not paying much attention in my surroundings. I glanced at him and searched for his eyes. All I got was a stern look. What was I looking for?
I watched Siwon’s retreating back as he exited the court.
-----
I did not go back to the classroom after gym class. Rather, I stayed in one of the benches in our school grounds. I needed to clear my head.
‘You are so messed up Lee Donghae…’ I admitted to myself. ‘And this all because you let your emotions ruled over you again… Why are you so affected anyway? Why are you so mad? What’s wrong with Siwon having a girlfriend? It’s pretty normal right? Siwon is a guy, and is single... You know it’s not just Yoona. And why are you so hurt that Siwon treats you like shit now? You are the one who started this… You deserve this Donghae…’
While sitting in the bench in my train of thoughts a towel was placed in my head. I looked up to see who did it and saw somebody I never expected. Yoona smiled and handed me a bottle of energy drink. When I did not respond, she grabbed my hand and forced me to hold it. Yoona gave me a commanding look to drink its contents and so I did comply. There was no point on being disobedient. And I think I needed a drink in the first place anyway. After drinking I placed the empty bottle to my side. Yoona smiled at me calmly as she reached to the towel and dampened it in my head to dry my hair.
“What did you and Siwon fight again this time?..” her voice was soft along with her actions, maybe trying to pacify the mood. “You two will never just get along.” That was statement. I just stayed in my position looking at the ground. I just can’t look at her right now. “Is this about Ayumi?” she finally asked and I tensed. Yoona might have felt it as she stopped in her actions, taking her hands away from my head. I did not give her a reply. “That is what everybody is saying… I just want to ask you first.” she was unsure.
“Yoona, are you still in love with Siwon?” I asked her but still looking at the ground.
“Hae, you know it perfectly. You don’t have to ask me.” I heard her say. I looked up at her to see a bitter smile painted in her face. I looked back to the ground before I say another word. “Siwon, I hate that bastard. He just does what he wants, never caring what other people feel. He does not care what you feel, or what Ayumi may feel, or the other girls he did play and was playing.”
‘He does not care how I feel.’
“Yeah, he really is an evil guy…” Yoona agreed with slight naughtiness in her voice. “Thank you Hae.” She then said.
“For what?” I asked and look at her.
“For trying to make Siwon pay for what he’s doing to me, and to all the girls he made cry. I haven’t thanked you yet didn’t I? So in behalf of the female population who had shed thousand of droplets of tears because of the player Choi Siwon, I thanked you. You know? You should be proud, you are like a hero for us in some way.” Yoona said in the most joyous manner she could but I could see she was quite hurt. I know that she said that to make me feel better but I also know she meant it.
I just stared at her not bothering to speak at all. Seeing her trying to stop her tears ruled my over-protectiveness in her again. “All this time, you are hating Siwon because of me. But you really don’t have to do it Hae. But at least I wanna thank you.” Yoona said and this time, I just couldn’t look at her because of guilt.
Like Siwon, Yoona also thought that I was doing this for her. But that wasn’t the case anymore. I wanted to tell her everything. To tell her that she did not have to feel obligated of my actions. That it wasn’t really her. It was used to be her, and maybe a part of it was her but it was not all about her anymore. This time, a large part of it had something to do with me, just me. But how could I explain anything when even I was confused with my own emotions?
“You need to change your clothes. Come on I’ll help you take it off.” She blurted maybe to change the uneasiness in the air.
I hesitated to do it until Yoona grabbed the hem of my shirt and gently pulled it. I surrendered and just let the fabric slipped out of my body until I was naked by the torso. Yoona grabbed the towel as she continued on damping it to my body to dry me from my own sweat.
For the first time that day, I felt peaceful. The way she cared for me by this moment, I just can’t help but be overwhelmed. When she was finished, Yoona smiled at me, one of her angelic flat smile. And I responded with a smile as well.
“Now you need a dry shirt…” she commented while trying to grab a white shirt. She always carried one extra shirt for me because she knew that I always tend to forget mine. I never really appreciated the regular gesture until now.
Without much thought, I stood up and pulled Yoona to myself and wrap my arms around her even before she could get the shirt. I didn’t know what had taken over me to do such a thing. Was it because of desperation? Or just what I really want to do right now? But damn! It felt good to embrace my bestfriend! It felt good to be close into something familiar and warm. This was one of those moments that I was not the wannabe prince trying to protect the princess, because the princess did not need me. This time, I was the needy one. I needed her - a friend, a companion, just someone to lean on.
I could feel Yoona tensed a little from my actions. But eventually, she relaxed in my arms and returned my embrace. I could feel Yoona rested his head in my bare chest and her arms tightly clinging in my back. I realized that I still had not put my shirt on and that I could feel every touch directly in my skin. I closed my eyes resting my head in her shoulders. And by that moment, I feel content. This was what I needed.
------
When I arrived at the court I noticed that Siwon was already there sitting in the ground. He was sitting there with his legs stretched wide and his hands in the ground looking into the sky. He looked rather peaceful. Looking at Siwon, I felt like all the anger I felt all diminished. I had calmed down now but seeing Siwon only pacified me somehow. A little bit unexpected because I though that seeing him would only bring back the rage I felt.
I stood there witnessing everything. Then I got scared, I was scared that I couldn’t even move my feet. So much drama had already occurred to this day; and I didn’t want to deal another one. What if, what if this will be the end? What will happen after this night? I now knew how much he really meant to me. He meant so much to me. I didn’t know what he really is to me, but he meant something. Perhaps, he could be the person closest to me now. He even knew more of my secrets than Yoona or Eunhyuk. I realized, I didn’t want to lose the bond we built over my immaturity and my selfishness.
Siwon finally noticed me and I couldn’t read his expression. He stood up, and I looked away trembling; holding my left arm with my right hand; squeezing it tightly. I didn’t know what to say. And I’m not even prepared for the worst.
“You want some gummy bears?” Siwon uttered the words softly. I didn’t expect that.
“Ah sure…”
Siwon handed me a plastic bag containing gummy bears. I took and ate some before returning it to Siwon.
“Okay, let’s have a deal.” He said giving me a long look. I did not answer and just waited for him to speak again “I’ll stop being a bastard, and you’ll stop being a jerk!”
“Just like that?”
“Yes simple as that, I don’t want to go into another long brawn battle of wills. We had done another one all throughout this day, and I’m tired for another one.”
“I don’t want another one as well.” I paused, There really was not any point in all the mess we did. We were no longer kids, although we just acted one. We should at least be civil in this manner. I should have handled the situation better and I should have not let my emotion ruled over my actions. In the end, I was aware that I was the one who cause the current situation we were in. “I’ll make the deal but before that, I…” I swallowed. “I wanted to apologize first. I mean, I don’t know, I was just so angry this morning over Ayumi, and I didn’t know how to control it. I was just angry with you for whatever fuck up reason. Siwon, I’m really sorry. Except for me liking Ayumi, everything you said was true anyway. That I’m pathetic, and disgusting…”
“Cut all the crap Fishy!” Came a sharp reply from Siwon. There was some intense glare from his eyes again. “Don’t play the goodie-goodie kid again! Everything I said was just garbage! I said those words because I wanted to hurt you. And well, you just let all those shit things that I say get into you and flip badly. ”
“But Siwon…”
“Shut up!” He was furious “You’re not disgusting, and you’re not pathetic. Just forget everything I said this morning, none of them were true! So cut all these crap now and let’s just get with the deal!”
I sighed and sat in the floor. Siwon followed suit and sat beside me.
“You really bring the worse in me Siwon.”
“I could say the same thing to you Fishy.”
“Deal…” I uttered, Siwon looked at me with his eyebrows raised. “I will stop being a jerk, and you will stop being a bastard.”
Siwon smiled at me, and I smiled back. Basketball was out of the question for tonight. We simply wanted to watch the stars.
to be continued...
Author’s Note: How was that for an update?
Thank you for the time you allotted into reading my story. You are amazing!