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5 Xbox Avatar Props And What They Say About You
Nowadays, you can't sneeze without hitting someone that owns and religiously uses an XBox 360. It has quickly become the quintessential piece of geek furniture, replacing Dungeons & Dragons and fetish porn. As many of you have recently discovered, because I naively believe my fan base is most likely compromised of 96% nerd, Microsoft just released a stirring new update for the Xbox interface. Included in this integral and mandatory update are features that include the ability to watch Netflix movies with friends, full retail Xbox 360 games available for download, and the utterly useless and inane ability to spend real life money on virtual avatar 'props' that enhance your three dimensional persona in ways that can only be described as 'stupid' and 'douchey'. Here are 5 that I think are not only the fastest way to piss away your well-earned paycheck, but at the same time letting everyone on your friends list know that you honestly have no social life whatsoever.
1.The Lightsaber, The Force Is Not Strong With This One
Nope, no penis references here.
Your Xbox avatar is a fully customizable virtual version of you. Give him or her wacky hairstyles, enough jewelry and accessories to make Barbie blush, and now props, aka futile, meaningless pieces of flare which add absolutely no nutritional value to your online experience. One of the first ones I noticed was the lightsaber. At a whopping 400 Microsoft points (equal to five REAL U.S. Dollars that could be otherwise spent on one and half hand jobs) your avatar can now wield a lightsaber that serves no purpose whatsoever, not that any of the props do in fact enhance any gameplay. If you do happen to purchase this item though...
What It Says About You:
I often have troubles with intercourse. Other than exclaiming to the online world that you are in fact a fan of Star Wars, which by the way is a unique stance on a movie franchise that went from awesome to dogshit in less than 60 seconds, what else does holding a phallic, glowing, stick compensate for? The exact same thing as owning a pickup truck the size of two school buses, which is to say, I have an insignificant penis and I'm unsure about how to use it. Or in the case where the user is female, it quickly translates to, I have a superiority complex and an equally superior World of Warcraft character. In a word, I am a lesbian so fuck right-the-shit off.
2.The Film Camera, I Have No Idea How A Camera Works
So this thing is a ray gun or something, right?
What is more pretentious and sleazy than walking around a local get-together with a $5,000 camera? Why of course buying one for your Xbox-self that does absolutely jack fuck, that's what! I understand that statistically 1 out of every 234,896 people who own a camera actually understand the basics of photography and that art is all very subjective, but for the love of Christ, is there any other way to convey those facts without this asinine prop? Which leads us to...
What It Says About You:
I need copious amounts of attention. Cocksuckers that do take random photos of beer bottles and burning cigarettes with your ridiculous, my-parents-paid-for-this lens filter, and unnecessary post-picture Photoshop lens flare will inevitably buy this prop. Basically it goes something like, 'I was never taught any real skill or trade therefore photography seems like one of those 'hobbies' that anyone can pick up and be good at', for people that feel the constant need to suck. Your camera serves the same purpose in Xbox as it does in real life, which is to say, it is there to bring to everyone else's attention that you are a complete toolbag (that's a douchebag but more tool-like).
3.The Cellular Telephone, Look At Me, I'm Annoying All The Goddamn Time
Where is the 'summon the forces of Satin' button?
Everyone knows the wanker in the front of the line at Walgreen's on his cell phone, fumbling for his wallet, only to find out that he does not in fact have enough money to purchase his Axe body spray gift box and corresponding DVD copy of Transformers, therefore holding you and 14 other impatient individuals for a half an hour. And we all hate him much like the how Jews have strong feelings opposing the Holocaust. As integral and important as cell phones have become to us now in the crazy 21st century, for every plus there is an exponentially worse con. Sure you can watch your favorite porn tube while you wait for your dentist appointment, but if your take a quick glance across from you, chances are there is a gargantuan dick talking dirty to his significant other as loud as humanly possible. So why the hell would you want to let people know that you are cell-phone-guy incarnate?
What It Says About You:
I am an ubiquitous and perpetual ass hat who would enjoy nothing more than to shit on your face. That is, in real life and on Call of Duty.
4.The Free Weights, Putting The Dumb In Dumbbell
The most exercise most non-Wii owners get
When you create an avatar on Xbox you have a few customizable options as far as physical features go. Basically your mini-you can either be tall or short, fat or skinny (because in real life there are only 4 types of combinations of people in the world). Since there is no 'World of Warcraft' option for your avatar's body shape this leads me to believe that Xbox owners are all attractive, young people in outstanding physical condition. Or fat and short. But that must be why the free weights are an available prop. We understand, Microsoft, that besides the fact you require a steady flow of revenue in order to constantly shit out 9 different versions of the Windows operating system every month and more importantly otiose Xbox add-ons, you have absolutely no understanding of what a hardcore gamer's schedule is like. Now I could be wrong, but anyone that spends more than twelve hours a day glued to a television is less likely to go out and exercise than Bono ceasing all efforts to become an insufferable douchebag. But dumbbells are the perfect prop for gamers because...
What It Says About You:
I want my Xbox account to function dually as a myspace profile, in other words I'd like to assure my friends and family that I am honestly in spectacular shape. Between playing Halo until my eyes bleed, jerking off before my parents get home from work and eating an entire bag of nacho cheese Doritos in one sitting, I enjoy visiting the local gymnasium. You know, because I really care about my health. And even if my abs aren't slabs of rock hard man meat, seeing my avatar lifting barbells furiously on my television is enough to inspire a hope within that someday, I might actually care enough to partake in this alien activity called exercise.
5.The Over Sized Cotton Swab, Who In their Right Mind Would Honestly Buy This Shit
Q Tip? More like GAY Tip!
I've never played Monkey Island for the Xbox, but there seems to be some props on the marketplace that are modeled after this less than popular game. One of them being a giant fucking cotton swap. You know, the thing you use to clean the shit that builds up in the holes in your skull? This is obviously some totally obscure and ambiguous reference to something in the game (maybe a common enemy is a giant ear vampire snake hybrid or something) that I don't fully comprehend, but at the same time I'm morbidly curious. Either way, it happens to be the most senile prop on this list. But...
What It Says About You:
You've finally decided to listen to those little voices in your head so that you can now dedicate your life to dressing up as Elvis Presley with a cantelope on your head in order to combat the color orange. You're batshit man, stop wasting your money on stupid shit.