the slumber party of the stars!
It was Friday night, and Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, and Lindsay Lohan were sitting around in Paris's Olympic-swimming pool-sized bedroom, talking about the direction their lives had all taken in the last 6 months.
"What European billionaire should I date this week?" asked Lindsay as she snorted a line of cocaine. "I've already had three Greeks! I'm thinking Italian."
"Wasn't Wilmer Valdemerra Italian?" asked Mary-Kate.
"No, dumbass," Lindsay responded shortly, "he was Spanish. Or Mexican or something. At least, he was on 'That 70's Show.' In any case, I never asked, because it's rude to point out people's shortcomings."'
As the girls chatted, Paris stealthily left the room. A few minutes later, she returned holding a large, round box, decorated with ornate flowers. It looked like a giant hat box. One by one, the girls slowly turned their attention towards their host. After a few minutes, the room of chatty, bitchy young women was-for perhaps the first time (with the exception of nights when they were all passed out or virtually unconcsious due to excessive drug use).
"Girls," began Paris dramatically, "I purchased these gifts for you to remind you how much all of your friendships mean to me and my career. I know that the American public views me as a catty, manipulative, untalented whore, but what they don't realize is that being a spoiled heiress and partying excessively is a lot of work! Sometimes, it really takes its toll on me, and I need a break. That's why I appreciate having all of you guys to create rumors about in order to steer the spotlight away from myself. To thank you all for the past few months-and some of you-" she looked at Nicole when she said this; "-years of 'friendship.' I am pretty sure that if we were all normal people and we didn't have egos the size of small cities, our friendships would be a lot like they are now, just with less backstabbing."
With that, Paris opened the box, and withdrew from it 4 party boxes that contained her new pop album, her sex tape on DVD, her new signature scent, her tell-all expose/novel, and $18,000 worth of crack-cocaine. Upon seeing the bag of cocaine, Lindsay burst into tears and began thanking Paris for her kindness. "No one will sell to me anymore because they are all afraid of getting caught! I've been forcefully sober for 6 days! OMG thank you Paris!"
Paris patted Lindsay's head and said, "Don't worry, dear. You have earned it by standing by me even after all the drama!"
Nicole looked warily at the package, and then said, "Paris, you know I don't read anymore. Not since...the incident."
"Oh, you mean the time when you had to read lines for 'The Simple Life,' and you couldn't pronounce the word 'is'?" affirmed Paris gently.
Nicole blinked back tears. "How could you rub it in like this? You know I've been working so hard-in my own way-to love myself and all of my flaws, and now, only two weeks after we publicy reunited and became friends again, you have to deliberately hurt me?"
"It's okay, Nicole, just do some cocaine, you'll feel better," said Mary-Kate Olsen. Ashley nodded her agreement. Mary-Kate, seeing her sister's support, turned on her immediately with a kind of bitterness no one knew the Olsen twins posessed. "You fucking whore, you always agree with me! Why can't you just be yourself for once? I star in Full House, You star in Full House, I date an oil-heir, YOU date an oil-heir. I become anorexic-YOU become anorexic. I turn to crack in my time of need- YOU turn to crack-!"
"I DO NOT, MARY-KATE! ANYWAY YOU'RE THE WHORE! FUCK YOU, MOM AND DAD LIKE ME BETTER ANYWAY!"
"Girls, girls!" Paris interrupted in her wise and motherly way, "You are both unique, wonderful people! Now stop fighting and pass the heroin around!"
The girls continued to eat, drink, and be merry, long into the wee hours of the morning, until they all fell into a deep, drug-induced sleep. The next day, they all awoke to the fresh sounds of an automatic defibrillator restarting their heart beats. After a few hours with their personal doctors, the girls dressed and headed out for another fun-filled night in Hollywood!
THE END.
"What European billionaire should I date this week?" asked Lindsay as she snorted a line of cocaine. "I've already had three Greeks! I'm thinking Italian."
"Wasn't Wilmer Valdemerra Italian?" asked Mary-Kate.
"No, dumbass," Lindsay responded shortly, "he was Spanish. Or Mexican or something. At least, he was on 'That 70's Show.' In any case, I never asked, because it's rude to point out people's shortcomings."'
As the girls chatted, Paris stealthily left the room. A few minutes later, she returned holding a large, round box, decorated with ornate flowers. It looked like a giant hat box. One by one, the girls slowly turned their attention towards their host. After a few minutes, the room of chatty, bitchy young women was-for perhaps the first time (with the exception of nights when they were all passed out or virtually unconcsious due to excessive drug use).
"Girls," began Paris dramatically, "I purchased these gifts for you to remind you how much all of your friendships mean to me and my career. I know that the American public views me as a catty, manipulative, untalented whore, but what they don't realize is that being a spoiled heiress and partying excessively is a lot of work! Sometimes, it really takes its toll on me, and I need a break. That's why I appreciate having all of you guys to create rumors about in order to steer the spotlight away from myself. To thank you all for the past few months-and some of you-" she looked at Nicole when she said this; "-years of 'friendship.' I am pretty sure that if we were all normal people and we didn't have egos the size of small cities, our friendships would be a lot like they are now, just with less backstabbing."
With that, Paris opened the box, and withdrew from it 4 party boxes that contained her new pop album, her sex tape on DVD, her new signature scent, her tell-all expose/novel, and $18,000 worth of crack-cocaine. Upon seeing the bag of cocaine, Lindsay burst into tears and began thanking Paris for her kindness. "No one will sell to me anymore because they are all afraid of getting caught! I've been forcefully sober for 6 days! OMG thank you Paris!"
Paris patted Lindsay's head and said, "Don't worry, dear. You have earned it by standing by me even after all the drama!"
Nicole looked warily at the package, and then said, "Paris, you know I don't read anymore. Not since...the incident."
"Oh, you mean the time when you had to read lines for 'The Simple Life,' and you couldn't pronounce the word 'is'?" affirmed Paris gently.
Nicole blinked back tears. "How could you rub it in like this? You know I've been working so hard-in my own way-to love myself and all of my flaws, and now, only two weeks after we publicy reunited and became friends again, you have to deliberately hurt me?"
"It's okay, Nicole, just do some cocaine, you'll feel better," said Mary-Kate Olsen. Ashley nodded her agreement. Mary-Kate, seeing her sister's support, turned on her immediately with a kind of bitterness no one knew the Olsen twins posessed. "You fucking whore, you always agree with me! Why can't you just be yourself for once? I star in Full House, You star in Full House, I date an oil-heir, YOU date an oil-heir. I become anorexic-YOU become anorexic. I turn to crack in my time of need- YOU turn to crack-!"
"I DO NOT, MARY-KATE! ANYWAY YOU'RE THE WHORE! FUCK YOU, MOM AND DAD LIKE ME BETTER ANYWAY!"
"Girls, girls!" Paris interrupted in her wise and motherly way, "You are both unique, wonderful people! Now stop fighting and pass the heroin around!"
The girls continued to eat, drink, and be merry, long into the wee hours of the morning, until they all fell into a deep, drug-induced sleep. The next day, they all awoke to the fresh sounds of an automatic defibrillator restarting their heart beats. After a few hours with their personal doctors, the girls dressed and headed out for another fun-filled night in Hollywood!
THE END.